


home is where the heart is.

by toffeelemon



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Boarding School, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Fan Dan Howell, Friends to Lovers, Gen, High School, M/M, Phan AU, Slow Burn, YouTuber Phil Lester, cringy world building, lots of youtubers, posh british boys, school cliques and cliches, sexually ambiguous nerd dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-05-21 12:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 140,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toffeelemon/pseuds/toffeelemon
Summary: Daniel Howell had always felt out of place in his dad's clinically fancy apartment or under the Singaporean sun. Life was good, but with all the changes that came with being a tagalong of a  British expat banker, there was never a home. Inspired by the only constant in his life, a similar aged British youtuber by the name of Phil Lester, Dan decides to move to his supposed homeland Britain on a whim, in the hopes of escaping his bubble of isolation, and maybe find the place where he truly belonged.Somehow Dan landed himself in one of the few notorious all boys boarding schools in Britain, one that has bizarre traditions, vicious inter-house competition and way too many attractive boys; and a roommate who had been Dan's best friend all along, even if Phil Lester hadn't known it.Dan finally found home.





	1. stuck in a rut

**Author's Note:**

> the most epic youtuber high school au of all time (phan and all your favourite boyxboy side ships are here!), now with more gay, domestic banter, and 89% accurate british culture :) 
> 
> wattpad is my main media for easy following: toffeelemon on wattpad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Top tier results is Dan’s get out of here ticket to escape his monotone and friendless life, and to chase after the boy of his dreams, AmazingPhil.

The sunset over Sentosa was glorious, peachy pinks and egg yolk yellows spilling over the artificial waters. It was just past 6:30 pm: Louise and Dan were sitting side by side on the massive leather sofa in comfortable silence, alone in the dark of Dan's apartment, both of them too lazy to commute to the light switch and content to just lay here and stare out of the floor to ceiling glazed balcony. Dan's laptop was hazardously perched on the edge of the coffee table, carelessly abandoned after the dramatic events that played out only a few hours earlier. Their GCSEs results came out today - 4pm Singaporean time, 6am in the morning in Britain like it always did every year, and Louise decided to visit Dan half an hour earlier before the ordeal, seeking emotional support (and that delicious 4G high speed internet cable at Dan's). She didn't even bother to text, so sure that Dan was definitely 1) too unbothered and 2) too socially compromised to leave the house for the twenty minute travel to Harrow on the other side of Singapore. 

They logged onto Louise's account first - nothing below a C, much to her relief; she was even pleasantly surprised by getting 3As. It was mildly disappointing that she didn't miraculously over perform, but Louise accepted the fact that she was destined to be the bottom of the class and never belonged to the prestigious environment that is Harrow School anyways (especially the Singapore branch). It was pure luck that she even managed to stay in the school for so long - well that and the fact that her distant aunt is one of the major benefactors. 

Dan Howell, in comedic contrast, got 12 A*s. Louise was more excited than him, squealing and hugging her friend before punching him on the shoulder, giving him a sly side eye. She didn't even know he did 12 subjects in the first place. It was then followed by a deep sigh of frustration. If only Dan turned up to school to receive his results, he would be an instant celebrity and it would be a great slap across all the faces of their British peers who have been obviously excluding them ever since year 9. Dan had been annoyingly passive upon seeing his results, shrugging it off and sending a quick text to his dad before returning to his sofa crease again. Louise plopped down onto the sofa as well, abandoning her grudge - deep down she knew that Dan would have hated nothing more than to dress up in uniform on a tropically boiling day in August, complete with the stupid straw hat, standing through awkward congratulations from the master all whilst avoiding all interaction with the other people in their year, none of which were friends with him. 

Which brought them to here now, wasting the day away in the dim and air conditioned living room of Dan's apartment, Louise's feet resting on top of the coffee table (which she should know better against her conscience, but Dan's always home alone and the opportunity was too good to go to waste). "So... what are you going to do now?" Dan asked casually, the question borderline rude if it weren't for how good friends they are, considering the disparity in their situations. Louise had already spent the past hour calling her parents and pacing the room, and the Pentlands reacted like how she did - not surprised, but disappointed nonetheless. They already had this conversation way ahead of results day, actually: Louise already had her life paved out for her despite her unfortunate academic incompetence. 

"Ugh I don't know, I'll definitely have to leave Harrow, go to some other school to do BTEC or something equally tragic probably," she pulled a face at that. Dan nods in the corner of her vision, face blank as he contemplated on the solemn fact that he would possibly have to face a future without Louise immediately by his side. Simply put, Louise was his only friend in school - their year was already extremely clique divided and since his supposed cohort - the sons of the other richest white expats of Singapore - had decided that Dan Howell was a key person to avoid, and occasionally pick on, he had been seeking refuge in the sweet Louise's companionship. He thought about two more long hard years at Harrow without his best (and only) friend, and shuddered involuntarily.

"They'll probably put you on the Oxbridge scholarship eh," Louise commented amusedly, at which Dan just scoffed at. "Please, what would I even apply for uni, just because I'm good at school doesn't mean I'm totally passionate about it." Dan rolled his eyes just to emphasise his point, and Louise just laughed exasperatedly. She would die to be Dan Howell or even be half as clever as him. "Has your dad said anything yet?"

It turned out that Dan's dad finally decided to read his texts two hours later, calling Dan when the two of them were sat at the market, half way through their celebratory slash eventful dinner of Hainan chicken rice. Dan was slightly annoyed as he answered, poorly attempting to keep his tone good natured. Although him and his dad were not on bad terms, they were as distant as two people living under the same roof could possibly be. 

"No dad, you don't have to come pick me up, I'm already having dinner. I'm with Louise in Chinatown. Yeah, I'll be home once we're done." Louise looked up from her chicken curiously at the mention of her name, staying silent as she watched Dan hang up. He shrugged. "Nah, he just thought he should take me out to somewhere fancy to celebrate," the air quotes were so painfully sarcastic that Louise didn't dare to comment further.

Some more hours of getting distracted in town with Louise later, Dan was finally back to the comfort of his apartment building, staring at himself thoughtfully in the mirror as the lift made its slow ascend. Louise might move back to England, or even perhaps resort to a rogue move to live with a relative in Australia, depending on where her school searching journey took her. Soon enough Singapore would be nothing more but a distant dream to her - both of them hadn't lived here for more than five years, and although Singapore was pretty and nice and had amazing food, Dan always knew in the back of his mind he was hardly close to belonging here and would also leave this city one day. Before this, him and his dad had been to Shanghai, and Hong Kong before that - it all become a blur in between hopping from one city to the next and packing everything in his life into cardboard boxes. England, where he was born and ultimately from, was nothing but a vague memory. All but the surreal and vividly hurtful divorce that his parents went through when he was six, which may or may not have contributed to his dad's current commitment phobia, especially when it came to settling at one city, one country even. 

Dan shook his head almost fondly when he unlocked the door to find polished loafers kicked off messily at the porch - you would have thought that the Chief Financial Officer of the HSBC in the Asia Pacific region would know better than to keep a messy apartment, but Dan figured that him and his dad were more similar than he thought. The room was bright, and Dan was not surprised to find his dad smashed into the sofa lengthways, snoring loudly still in his suit. He fixed the shoes, putting them neatly on the stand against the wall, despite himself stepping into the apartment without any regard, still in his flip flops that had trekked all across the streets of Singapore. Dan picked up his laptop on the way to his room, and switched the light off, leaving the air conditioning in the living room on after deciding to be civil to his dad. Dan knew things between him and his dad could sometimes be tense but it was hardly his fault - or anyone's fault really, and there was no point in being rude.

The negative emotions kicked in around midnight, when the reality of Louise leaving Harrow finally hit him. As always, when Dan was feeling down, he would pull up Youtube and watch his favourite Youtuber: lying in bed, staring at the screen and dissociating until his breathing was even again. It was going to be another usual night spent with AmazingPhil - or just Phil (Lester...? it was mentioned in one of his older videos once), a schoolboy same age as Dan, although he did seem to enjoy a much more exciting life than Dan. At this rate Phil was basically one of Dan's little constants in life, someone who he could always to count on to be a virtual friend, whenever he opened that familiar tab on his laptop. Phil was cheerful, funny in his odd ways, and even slightly eccentric at times - it was one of Dan's favourite past times (and mode of procrastination) to indulge in Phil's company through his computer screen, listening to the boy ramble about basically nothing of importance to the camera. Phil had an unusually British, rather regional accent - it was what took Dan a while to learn was a Northern accent. From what Dan gathered (through obsessive stalking), Phil went to a boarding school in Britain, and even though Dan was out of his depths, he could make an educated guess that it was probably as posh as Harrow. Phil didn't flaunt, but he wasn't especially careful not to overshare either - after all he was only 16 like Dan, and a little internet fame never harmed anyone, if you could even call a meek 1000 subscribers as fame. Phil was surprisingly down to earth and friendly for a typical well off British boy - or it could just be Dan had been extremely unlucky with the friends he tried making at school. Dan's smile faltered when he realised Phil hadn't been uploading for a while now - he wondered how was Phil's results, did Phil do some of the same GCSE subjects as him as well. Dan clicked onto an older suggested video, one that Phil still had ginger hair in instead of the now permanently dyed black hair, and let it slowly lull him to sleep. Admittedly he was slightly obsessed with Phil - the black hair was very cool but Dan's heart belonged to original Phil Lester look.

It started out as one of Dan's psycho thoughts, even way before results day. He had been playing around with the thought before - after all it's not uncommon for British kids in his school to eventually go back to the UK for various reasons, be it for good or to merge better back into the British education system. That, and another midnight internet trawl (and mandatory daily Phil stalking session) that led him to Phil's school's website, and advertisements for places for sixth form. The school was an all boys boarding school called Chicheston, and the website boasted the usual snazzy photos of a castle campus like every other private school in Britain that tempted Dan endlessly. Singapore Harrow might have been finished in a faux Neo Classic flourish but could scarcely compare to the real English aesthetic, and Dan always liked indulging in architecture that had a touch of drama. Dan immediately knew that he would outperform their grade requirements, and it had been a playful idea in his head ever since. It would definitely be an improvement from his life currently, Dan amused himself: he would be boarding so he wouldn't have to worry about living by himself in the UK, he would hardly miss his dad since they don't spend much time together anyways, and Phil Lester had always made it out to be so much fun in the school. He had always entertained the thought of living in the UK - after all it was where he was born and raised (for a short while of his life), and Dan was almost sick of never belonging in all the places that he had lived in. For someone who had always been forced to adapt quickly, Dan was weirdly ready for change - change for the better, he supposed, away from this scarily alien metropolis and unwelcoming classmates, who thought everything about Dan was lame and strange and queer. He could only imagine if he joined Phil's school instead. If someone as wonderfully strange as AmazingPhil could thrive in such a school, surely Dan would fit right in. Dan dared to imagine that he was half as cool as Phil Lester.

Dan did it on a whim. He was surprised to see the sixth form admissions still open late into August after results day, on the webpage that he hadn't visited ever since in months, and upon finding out about a ludicrous scholarship, immediately began to type out a meticulously worded email. The process was suspiciously easy: all they needed was Dan's GCSE certificates, and upon seeing those starry results, he was instantly accepted, without even a Skype interview whatsoever. Chicheston School must be more desperate than Dan thought. All they needed was for him to cash in the first bill, and Dan would be in. The thought was intimidating, and exhilarating at the same time. Dan's dad didn't even suspect a thing by this point.

It was a letter from Harrow that stirred up the conversation, during one of the rare evenings when Dan and his dad would both be awake and be in the same room at the same time. As Louise had predicted, Dan was offered the Oxbridge scholarship, which called for a letter back home and some papers to sign. Dan might be pretty independent and willing to sort his own life out, but his livelihood still depended on his dad after all.

"So what is this scholarship anyways," his dad asked, intrigued, pushing his reading glasses habitually as he peered at the fine print. "Basically I have to agree to work at a certain grade standard and apply to Oxbridge and in return, I get the scholarship," Dan replied flatly. Honest to himself, Dan knew that he was clever, but applying to the top universities of the world was unimaginable and more daunting than exciting. He wasn't even sure would he ever genuinely want to commit to the typical boring, incredibly academic degree. His dad hummed thoughtfully. 

"Is that what you want? Applying to Oxbridge?" He glanced at Dan curiously and Dan could tell that his dad already knew the answer. Although his dad was frustrating at times, Dan was lucky enough to never be pressurised to be ambitious - he was already far more high performing than his dad had ever been in school, and his dad turned out more than fine, so as long as Dan was doing something vaguely useful with his life it was unlikely that his dad would interfere. This was perhaps one of the upsides of living with his uninvolved dad instead of being with his mum instead, although it wasn't like Dan would know otherwise - his mum has been absent in his life since sometime between Shanghai and Hong Kong, and Dan bitterly never had any interest to find out why. He shrugged and his dad painfully tried at a supportive smile. 

"It's not like we won't survive without the scholarship money so it's really up to you. I am more than happy to not sign this off, if that's what you want. What do you even really want anyways? I've never thought to ask," It was a simple question but Dan was sent into a dark hole of consuming thoughts. Turning sixteen had never prepared him for suddenly being capable of making life changing decisions. 

"Actually, I've applied to a school in the UK and was thinking about maybe going to school back there," Dan stated tentatively and watched as emotions flash across his dad's face. It was not easy information to digest, and as Dan rambled he slowly began to regret not planning this out and preparing for this sooner. 

"Uh it's called Chicheston, I don't know have you heard of it before? It's boarding so you don't have to worry about my living. And school fees too, I have a scholarship from them, hopefully it's not much more expensive than Harrow now, it really wouldn't change much except the fact that I won't be here most of the time... oh fuck I forgot about plane tickets..." 

"Daniel, language!" His dad yelled in between Dan's panicked rambling. "That's okay. Everything will be fine. We'll sort it out, don't worry, the bank can pay for most things probably," the tight, poorly reassuring smile was back, and Dan slumped back into his chair. The look his dad gave him was remorseful, but not at all surprised. "If you believe it's the best for you, then I'll help you as much as I can," his dad said sincerely, before chuckling, almost cryptically: "Chicheston is no Harrow, but it was quite famous back in the day; I think you would be happy there." The uncomfortably patronising smile was back, and Dan tried his best to hold polite eye contact. "Yeah, I think I would."

The rest of the summer went in a blur. Dan saw Louise off to Australia, with a teary goodbye and promise to skype every day - although they both knew it would be a hard promise to keep once Dan moved to the UK himself and the two of them separated by a dramatic time difference. The rest of the holidays were spent packing his life into a suitcase, sorting out paperwork for his new school, and mentally preparing himself for effectively living alone for the first time in his life - without his parents, anyways; he would be living in a big boarding house with many other boys of his age. What a lovely concept - Dan wasn't even sure was he being sarcastic or not. To calm his quietly bubbling away nerves, Dan tried to hype himself up for his new British school life, in the only way he ever really knew - watching AmazingPhil videos. To his dismay Phil still hadn't uploaded since the last video in June, and Dan slightly stressed over the thought that Phil might not even go to Chicheston anymore when he joined. It wasn't that Dan only applied there because Phil Lester went there (okay maybe he did), but it was comforting to have something familiar to look for. Dan shook the disturbing thought away soon enough - he was only being paranoid, and he should be independent enough to deal with himself in a new environment, Phil or no Phil.

As the days of Dan leaving Singapore counted down, every night turned into an AmazingPhil binge. It seemed that the school was deep in the countryside somewhere down south of England near the coast, judging from the background of some old videos, when it wasn't the easily recognisable backdrop of Phil's Adventure Time poster pinned up on the wall against his bed. When Phil wasn't roaming about the cute and overwhelmingly stereotypical British small town, he mostly filmed in his room, which he shared last year with a mysterious roommate. This anonymous boy refused to be on camera or have any AmazingPhil exposure at all, although from what Dan could gather Phil and him were very close, best friends even. The year before that, Phil had shared a room with a boy named PJ, although back then Phil didn't post videos as often and regularly. Dan decided that PJ was also a certified Cool person, whom he might try to look out for when he joined Chicheston if he ever had the courage to. Identities of each boarding houses were a very ingrained part of the school, and the houses were deadly competitive against each other - Dan couldn't gauge much about Phil's house except the fact that they all wore blue school ties, but he figured that if members of a house were supposedly similar in character, Phil's house must be filled with nice people like himself and PJ. Dan was actually excited for his new school, despite the nerves. It seemed like an opportunity to get in touch with his British side again, instead of being this fake Brit who had been so removed from his own culture that he was unrelatable on both sides, both to his British or Asian peers, never really fitting in. 

Next thing he knew, Dan was bidding goodbye to his dad at Changi airport, jumping on a long haul plane by himself in a few hours. It was too awkward to get emotional about it, and to be fair, Dan didn't really feel much, as sorry as he felt about his own father. He loved his dad in some way, but not that he would miss something that was rarely present. He was more excited to see his grandma instead, who he had hazy yet fond memories of, a far away promise of him staying over at her house during the holidays becoming a more plausible reality. Dan was scared, yes, but it wasn't like he was completely plunging into the unknown by himself. After all, he was just gong home, and he was hardly alone. He had his granny waiting for him, his mum was somewhere unknown in the country as well, and obviously, Phil Lester. 

With an one way ticket in hand, Dan bid farewell to Singapore and began his journey to search for home.


	2. a new beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan makes friends with PJ, is weirded out by how good looking everyone is, and fucks up royally (as usual).

Ever since Dan has stepped off that plane in Heathrow, the only word he knew to describe every moment that followed was - totally and utterly surreal. From the chauffeur that greeted him at the arrivals, the three hour car journey through the repetitive British landscape of mountains, gravel, and endless roundabouts - it had led him to the grand entrance of Chicheston School: a castle of red bricks and white stucco that seemed to emerge out of nowhere in the otherwise quaint seaside village. Dan soon found himself in an office covered in oak panels, which belonged to Mr. Khan, not the master of the school but someone almost equally important - Dan had zoned out when the man introduced himself, possibly as the Head of Sixth Form? - who was now briefing Dan about the ins and outs of the school in a very proper news broadcaster accent. Dan felt terribly underdressed in his travelling black jeans and sweatshirt that he had been wearing for the past 20 hours, and tried harder to impress by playing up his uptight Singaporean persona to get away with any accidental rudeness.

"The rest of the new International students actually don't arrive until two days later, because of the visa we issue them," Mr Khan said to himself, flicking over pieces of paper mindlessly. "Good news for you then, Mr. Howell, gives you a couple more days to settle down yeah," Dan nodded awkwardly, generally being overwhelmed and confused ever since he settled into the uncomfortably big chair in front of Mr Khan's desk. "Speaking of, I would ask one of the boys in your house to show you around but I realised... you're not assigned a house yet! Oh dear," The man fumbled with even more paperwork that was settled at the corner of his desk.

"We usually let six formers pick their own houses, but since you're a special case, we only have spaces left for some," Mr Khan ducked down under his desk to rummage through a cupboard, before returning with a handful of school ties of different colours, each in plastic coverings, and slamming them onto the table. "We've got room left in Turing, Nobury, and oh, Stanley of course," Mr Khan laughed at his own joke, whilst the name of the houses completely flew over Dan's head, the boy too busy glaring at the blue tie that he could recognise anywhere. He grabbed it off the table immediately.

"I see you've picked Stanley as your house. Interesting choice," Mr Khan then picked up the telephone to speak into the intercom, "Can I get Mr. Liguori to meet the new student at reception please." Dan took this as his cue to stand up from his chair. "I've sent one of the boys in Stanley to take you to your dorm, you can trust him to tell you everything else you need to know about life in Chicheston. It was nice meeting you Daniel!"

When Dan made his way down the stairs back to reception, a boy was already there waiting for him, one hand resting on the handle of Dan's suitcase and absentmindedly swirling it in small circles across the floor. Dan gulped out of nervousness, both social anxiety and something else. The boy was definitely good looking: with soft brown curls, piercing green eyes and wearing an emerald hoodie to match, he looked like he walked right out of a typical British boy band. But what really caught Dan was a slither of hope and giddy excitement, that he recognised the face from somewhere. His suspicions were confirmed as his tour guide spoke with a hand reached out.

"Hello. I'm PJ, nice to meet you Daniel," Dan expected a handshake, but instead was pulled into a half-hug-shoulder-bump awkward collide of bodies, him chuckling in panic (and starstruck, of course). "Dan is fine," he grinned unnaturally, biting down his tongue to make sure he didn't blurt out something embarrassingly stalkerish, like the fact that he already knew PJ as one of Phil's roommates. "Well Dan, shall we?"

PJ rambled a lot, which Dan was grateful for, giving him an excuse to not talk much and possibly embarrass himself, having the liberty to look around and take in the new environment instead. Dan dared to flatter himself to think that PJ was almost as nervous meeting him as vice versa: Dan didn't prepare himself for finding out so soon that PJ was even more cool and good looking in real life, and would actually hold a conversation with Dan. PJ explained that he was taking Dan the long way, through the school grounds instead of walking through town, gesturing to the suitcase he was dragging behind him and had to fight Dan over. Dan only accepted PJ's hospitality after insisting to be responsible for his massive duffel bags instead, feeling incredibly guilty as he listened to the rhythmic click the suitcase wheels made against the cobblestone paving. They walked through countless paved and covered courtyards through the main school campus (which was eerily quiet since it was still empty), before leaving the building to reach a vast field with a narrow walkway in the middle. Dan's surprise at the sheer size of campus must have shown on his face, since PJ laughed apologetically as he expertly hauled the suitcase down the steps out of habit.

"I'm guessing they didn't tell you Stanley was the furthest house from main campus when they assigned you," PJ's eyes crinkled once both of them were settled on the path and walking on again. "Uh, actually I got to choose," Dan corrected him sheepishly, which gained him a wide eyed stare, followed by a hearty laugh. "No offence buddy, but that was kind of a big mistake," PJ said good-naturedly, despite himself being a Stanley boy, and elaborated when Dan only looked at him blankly in return. "To be honest with you, I love Stanley with all my heart, but we are kind of a lame house. We've been losing for ages, we're literally miles away from everyone else; basically we're always the butt of the joke."

"Oh," Dan was lost for words, not actually that bothered but yet, still mildly disappointed. "Don't worry though, I would say that the best lads are all in Stanley." 'Like Phil Lester,' Dan thought but didn't dare to say out loud. "And you get to claim you're the most edgy and artsy house," PJ smiled at him encouragingly before glancing at the buildings they were approaching. Dan could finally see a hint of civilisation after the trek through the monotonous grass and hay. That must have taken at least fifteen minutes. They passed some brick blocks, PJ peering into the long span of windows that revealed a row of treadmills inside, some occupied. Dan couldn't help but be slightly intimidated by the sight of ripped boys, despite them being similar of age, possibly younger.

"Ugh there they are, the Churchill gym rats," PJ rolled his eyes in distaste as Dan took a second glance to notice the posse in the gym were indeed dressed in matching sports kit, all in the same alarming shade of red. Churchill must be the red house then, Dan deduced. PJ further expanded without prompting. "Long story short, Churchill is the annoying house that everyone else hates: they win everything every single year, make up most of the sports teams, and generally are just frat-boy-type twats really." They left the brick complexes and were now next to what seemed to be a massive metal warehouse and a swimming pool: Dan was starting to think that they would never get there. 

"So tell me more about the houses," Dan asked conversationally, as if he didn't already previously indulge in Phil's vlogs enough to know a thing or two. PJ was more than happy to oblige. "There are five houses: Churchill, Holmes, Turing, Norbury, and Stanley obviously," Dan blinked at the names in confusion. "Don't worry if you don't remember the names right now, you'll pick them up soon enough. To make it easier, they each start from a letter that's in CHICHESTON: think it's just a coincidence probably. Anyways, you've already met the famous Churchill lads. Holmes is where the nerds are; well I say nerds, I mean more like smart posh boys who would probably end up in the best unis and befriend someone in the royal family. Our head boy Jim is in Holmes actually, great chap, always dresses like he's going for tea with the queen. You'll know who when you see him. Turing is the home of the geeks: Maths Challenge national winners, Hackathon boys, you name it," Dan nodded pensively as he tried to take in all the information, determined to navigate the social hierarchies of the school safely from the get-go. "And which one is the new one? Ah, Norbury. They don't really have a set in stone personality yet, but the trend is that the performance art and choir boys are starting to congregate there," PJ directed them around a car park, carefully pulling Dan's suitcase across the gravel.

"And Stanley is full of whoever's left! Ta da! Home sweet home," PJ gestured grandly towards the massive Victorian red brick house, arriving timely at the front of Stanley house. Dan wouldn't exactly describe it as a house: a small castle was probably more fitting for the swirling iron railings and majestic arched entrance. He took a second to marvel at, as PJ said, his new home, before hurrying behind the boy who had already begun carrying Dan's suitcase up the stone steps.

The inside of the house felt almost as empty as the main school, although the homely rugs and Ikea lampshades made it less daunting. Through the giant wooden door, Dan was immediately met by a porch area, where there was a table with various clipboards of what seemed to be sign in sheets on them, a wall full of keys and pigeon holes, and a colourful old fashioned noticeboard paired with a whiteboard next to it. The noticeboard was blank, but Dan caught traces of football results scribbled on the whiteboard for display. PJ continued his speech about the houses as he turned left to lead Dan to the Office.

"So the house is where you eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, sleep, and hang out whenever you're not in school basically," PJ explained. "You try your best to sign in and out, especially when you're going out to town, but our house staff are quite leniant anyway," he winked at Dan conspiringly, voice going softer as they approached the glass box, which must be the Office. "From fifth form onwards we share a room with one other person, but since we didn't hear about you until like a month ago my guess is you're getting a room of your own, you lucky bastard."

"Hello Mrs. Hedgers! I'm back with the new boy! This is Daniel Howell. Dan, meet Mrs. Hedgers, our house matron," Dan was slightly surprised by how PJ's casually cheery demeanour didn't switch at all at the presence of a teacher-staff-person, but was quick to act polite and composed. Mrs. Hedgers was a warm motherly figure with greying hair, albeit a bit scarily loud. It turned out that she indeed wasn't an actual teacher, but the stay in house nurse who was the only staff on duty in the Office for now, since the housemaster hadn't returned from summer vacation yet. She promised that she was a benevolent figure, which PJ scoffed at (all whilst sitting in the armchair in the corner and helping himself to the sweet jar, no less), as long as Dan didn't do anything stupid like breaking any bones or crashing into cars on his bike. She then laid down some ground rules, quickly going through Dan's future routine in and out of school (some of which PJ had already explained), before sorting out the admin and telling him which room he was in. Upon hearing the room number PJ jumped out of his chair.

"Dan's sharing a room with Phil?!" PJ seemed conflicted at the revelation, and Dan was dying to know why, secondary to dying inside in general. "Phil Lester?" He exclaimed. Although Dan did plan everything in his new school life up till now with the sole purpose of hopefully crossing paths with his Youtube idol, this coincidence came as a shock and the prospect of actually being in proximity with Phil so soon was too much to fathom. "Yes, because he didn't have a roommate for this year," Mrs Hedgers said slowly, before glaring at PJ, the two of them seemingly having a silent heated argument through eye contact. Dan was too stunned to be confused by it all.

Eventually Dan made it to his new room, after a tour to the dining hall and common room on the way, and a flight of stairs. Much to his dismay, and maybe the tiniest slither of relief, PJ told him that Phil was out for the day in town, trying to sell his bike. Dan wasn't ready to face his object of borderline creepy obsession quite yet. Otherwise, PJ didn't speak a word of Phil, which was uncharacteristic of him given how chatty he was, and Dan knowing that he must know Phil; although Dan was too paranoid about exposing himself as an embarrassing fan of AmazingPhil to bring it up at all, giving up after his first question about his new roommate was dodged completely. The door had a tag with PHIL LESTER handwritten on it, and a sticker of a Shiba Inu, on top of a blank tag. The thought of stepping into Phil Lester's actual life made Dan dizzy, but he did so anyways.

The room was still relatively not lived in, evident that Phil couldn't have moved in a week earlier than Dan. On one side of the room, there was a bed on top of a chest of drawers, obviously claimed by Phil's blue and green checkered bed sheets that Dan was already familiar with, pushed against a desk at the end of the room next to the window. Novelty plushies line the edge of the desk, amongst other room decorations of Phil's that Dan recognised, and there it was: the Adventure Time poster pinned up on the cork board next to Phil's bed, staring right across the room at what would be Dan's bed on the other side of the room. It seemed that Dan was left with a top bunk: a loft bed with a desk underneath, and what was probably his wardrobe on his side of the window. PJ helped wheeling his suitcase into the middle of the room, before excusing himself, telling Dan that his room was just next door and he should feel free to grab PJ for dinner in an hour. Dan nodded absentmindedly, too busy fascinated by the feeling of being in and walking right into, what essentially was AmazingPhil's film set. It was bizarrely surreal to say the least. Dan almost forgot that Phil was a real, existing person. 

An hour passed quickly as Dan unpacked, scrutinising what to say to Phil, now that he was finally meeting him in person, should he barge into the room at any moment. Disappointingly, Phil never came back before dinner time, and Dan dejectedly resolved to knock on PJ's door instead. 

"Uh... Hi?" It wasn't PJ who answered the door, but another not-bad-looking brooding boy with possibly straightened fringe instead. Could be PJ's roommate, Dan guessed, before attempting to be not as socially awkward as he really was, determined not to screw up his new life so soon. "Hi! I'm Dan, I'm new," the boy still squinted in suspicion as he shook Dan's hand. "Uh PJ showed me around earlier and I was wondering... do you guys wanna go down to dinner together?"

"Oh hi Dan, is it supper time already? By the way, this is Chris, my roommate," PJ finally appeared to the rescue, perking up from behind Chris at the doorway. "Nice to meet you Chris," Dan chuckled awkwardly, and all the moody guy could muster up was a quick smirk at the corner of his mouth. They made their way downstairs together, PJ breaking the ice pretty quickly as he stayed close to Dan's side and made some snide comments about the dining hall's inconsistent quality of food. Chris trailed closely behind, and Dan swore he caught a glimpse of PJ's roommate glaring at him, and cringed inwardly. Dan hoped that Chris wasn't jealous of him stepping into established friendships or anything. PJ had told him that it was rare that Stanley got any new boys joining the house at all, and Dan could only dream that he would smoothly fit into the existing social circles. 

The dining hall was surprisingly not empty, although it was obvious that term hadn't started yet, most of the tables unoccupied with chairs stacked on top of them except for the handful that was near the serving stations. Dan shadowed PJ, grabbing a tray, cutlery and plate, before loading his plate with food. He then hastily followed PJ and Chris to the table of a few boys who waved them over, although making sure that he didn't snatch what was probably Chris' place opposite PJ. Dan ate quietly at the edge of the table, sticking out at the end but not minding all that much. He didn't want to be threatening and overpowering if he wanted to blend into the circle at all. 

Half way through dinner (or supper as they called it) Dan was starting to be convinced that every single person in Chicheston must be unfairly attractive. PJ introduced him to another pair of roommates at the far end of the table, tall Jack with the glasses, and his roommate Dean, with a similar haircut as Chris, both of them also looking like they walked straight out of a British boyband. Dan was told that him and Phil, together with PJ, Chris, Jack and Dean, made up their corridor of six: maybe they were a suave boyband after all, save for Dan who would stick out like a sore thumb. Jack and Dean seemed as chill as PJ was, easily including Dan into the group. Dan couldn't be more relieved: as long as he wasn't brutally excluded, he was already doing better socially than he ever did in life. There was another boy next to Jack and Dean, who was quieter than Dan's corridor mates and more of a tagalong figure like Dan was being right now. Dan couldn't help but be a bit curious: the suspected-Asian (it would be rude to ask) boy looked way less intimidating than the friendly, but nonetheless loud British boys; although he was no less good looking either (that was maybe the one major trait of Chicheston that Dan would never dream to fit into). 

"So if you're from Singapore, how are you white?" It seemed that the unnamed boy had caught Dan staring and decided to retaliate, reducing Dan speechless. The British boys only cackled in response, Chris wiping an imaginary tear as he finally addressed Dan for the first time of the night. "Dan, meet the ever so lovely Duncan: your Japanese twin." Duncan smiled warmly back at Dan in apology, breaking the tension and letting them return to their previously harmless banter. Dan replied to the actual question after the initial shock, "Oh, my dad's an expat, but I've been hopping around Asia for a while actually." Duncan grinned, almost sympathetically. "Well I'm only half Japanese, and I always have a horrible accent when I speak Japanese back home, so I'm basically a fish out of the water just like you." 

"Hold up, did Chris call Dan my twin?" Duncan gasped dramatically in delayed motion, whilst Dan just sheepishly munched on his potatoes in silence, not wanting to participate in this weird fight. "Yeah not gonna lie, you two kinda look identical," PJ quipped. Duncan looked back and forth between them, seemingly offended, and Dan couldn't help but add, "Well obviously I'm no where near as good looking as Duncan." The entire table erupted in laughter, no one having the heart to put in a word after that, leaving the air stale in quasi-flirty tension. Dan internally facepalmed for blurting out what he had been thinking ever since he stepped into this school, that everyone here was intimidatingly attractive. That was possibly the creepiest thing he had said so far.

"Who dared to say they were better looking than Duncan?" a new voice arrived at the table from a distance, and before Dan could react, a tray was placed opposite his, Dan looking up to meet blue eyes that belonged to none other than Phil Lester himself. Dan was momentarily lost for words, glaring at his Youtube idol right in front of him, here in the flesh, and sitting right across him nonetheless. His eyes were even bluer in person - they reminded Dan of the sea in Palawan beach (on a good day, of course). Dan could drown in them, and he was sure he was drooling. "Phil! You've got a new roommate. This is Dan, from Singapore," PJ announced, almost a bit too enthusiastically. "Hello, earth to Dan?"

"Uhh nice to meet you Phil," Dan stuttered, struggling between making a good impression and fangirling until he die of embarrassment. Phil's bright smile faltered ever so slightly, smoothing into a tight line as he replied politely. "Nice to meet you Dan, welcome to Stanley house. I see that these silly lads are already making you right at home," Phil sat down and dug into his meal as the conversation resumed, after a mild enquiry about Phil's fail at selling his bike. Dan wasn't exactly disappointed, but Phil was more soft spoken than he expected, reserved even: it wasn't like he wasn't as friendly and full of sunshine like Dan had envisioned to be, and yet, he would have thought Phil would be at least be as out of his shell as his internet persona was. Dan would be naive to believe that AmazingPhil would be the real person Phil Lester really was, and yet, this was too big of a personality disparity to not be suspicious. Although, to be fair, the AmazingPhil channel hadn't seen a video since three months ago. Dan wondered what changed in these three months that made Phil so different from the one he had always known.

Dan didn't get an opportunity to speak to Phil privately until dinner was over and they returned to their room in awkward silence, after bidding goodbye to their corridor mates. Phil dropped his bag at the foot of the bed, secretly avoiding interaction with his new roommate in pretence of unpacking, before Dan decided to confront Phil and embarrass himself sooner rather than later. "Uh so I hope this doesn't sound weird but, I'm a big fan of your Youtube channel. Actually gave me the courage to leave Singapore and come to the UK, really," Dan fidgeted as he spoke, trying to hold eye contact and look nonchalant about it as Phil turned to look at him in mild surprise. "Okay," he replied slowly, pensive, and Dan couldn't gauge was Phil shocked (and possibly slightly creeped out) at the fact that he was essentially sharing a room for the next year with a stalker fan, or the impact that he had on Dan's life.

"Well, Dan, if you are a fan, and my new roommate, then you should do the honours of being the first one to watch the next video I'm going to upload next," Phil announced cryptically, still in that slightly cold and uncharacteristic demeanour which puzzled Dan to no end. This boy was hardly AmazingPhil at all, but as Phil beckoned Dan over to his laptop on his desk, Dan couldn't stop the nervous butterflies in his chest. He was going to be the first ever person to watch Phil's video: this was a wet dream of every Youtube fan. He held his breath as Phil clicked onto the viewer window, standing a careful distance away from Dan.

Phil was going to quit Youtube, possibly even take down his old content. 

Dan was beyond shattered, shellshocked and angry, his jaw falling wide open and him just barely managing to not let out any verbal reaction curtesy of said Youtube idol's presence in the room just a feet away from him. "I...You... You're quitting?! How could you!" Dan knew he would regret yelling at the guy he would live with for the coming year later, but he just couldn't hold himself back. This was devastating. AmazingPhil had been such a big part of his life and he just couldn't imagine that portion of him being ripped away so suddenly, even if he got to be in presence of the real person now. The world shouldn't be deprived of Phil, he knew that much. Taking a break, sure, Dan could understand, but this all seemed a bit brash and a terrible mistake, especially when Phil didn't even have a good reason (in the video anyways). "Why? Why would you do this?" Dan demanded, Phil's stance still steely as ever as he shrugged, as if he didn't care about his passion project that he had been investing in for years. 

"No offence Dan, but I've only known you for hours. I don't think I need to explain myself to you." Dan backed off slightly as Phil moved away from the desk, chewing on his lip but still furious and upset. "But... you don't know how much you mean to so many people! To me! Deleting your channel? That's terrible, and not to say selfish! This is not like you, AmazingPhil," Dan pleaded, the fan in him sprawling out fully now and throwing his social security in his new school in the wind. 

Phil scoffed bitterly. "Whoever you thought I was, I'm not who you think I am Dan. You don't really know me. No one does. And no one should." And with that, Phil left the room and slammed the door shut. Dan panted at his outburst, before the gravity of the situation really hitting him and throwing him into his swivel chair, slumped and defeated. AmazingPhil was going to get deleted, he fought with Phil Lester, who was also conveniently going to be his roommate for the year, before even getting to be friends. Dan really was a disaster wherever he went.


	3. hot mess and a hot topic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gets a little bit too naked in front of his new roommate, and quickly becomes the talk of the town as the new boy.

By the time Dan had finished unpacking his belongings into his new furniture, Phil was still nowhere in sight, not once returning to the room ever since he stormed out on Dan a few hours ago. Dan sighed as he stared at Phil's empty side of the room blankly, feeling like he lost his purpose in life now that he had nothing better to do. Well he might as well have, since he pissed Phil off, who didn't only happen to be the person he looked up (idolised) most to, but also his roommate for the coming year. It seemed that Dan's plan to start afresh, make friends and not sabotage his social life was off to a fantastic start indeed.

After a while of moping around (still without Phil in sight), Dan finally hopped down from his top bunk, and decided on a shower long overdue - after all, he had been travelling for the past twenty hours and it just clocked how positively disgusting he felt. Dan found his towel, realised he had nothing else and made a mental note to buy shampoo during the day, and left the room on a quest to kill time.

Dan was initially quite pleased that he only had to share a bathroom with five other people on his corridor - but that dream was soon crushed when he arrived at a locked door. You would've thought that there would hardly be any competition for showers in a mostly empty boys' boarding house, but unfortunately Dan happened to have a full house corridor a week before term began. So on he went on a hunt to find the next bathroom in this gigantic house, adventuring through fire doors and an endless tangle of corridors. Eventually Dan found a communal shower in what seemed to be a completely empty corridor, dark and quiet. The entire ordeal was slightly creepy, and the shower cubicles had no locks, but it would have to do.

Dan left the shower refreshed, and with the realisation that someone had taken all his belongings - basically all his clothes - and left him with his towel and nothing else. He couldn't help but groan out loud, the day's frustration finally hitting peak. It could be worse, at least whoever pranked him had the decency to leave him with a towel - but all the shock and confusion and Phil's goddamn bombshell about deleting finally hit Dan all at once and the last thing he needed was to trek back to his room, self conscious and in nothing except for a towel.

Ten minutes later and Dan had hit a new low: self conscious, and in nothing except for a towel that was hanging awkwardly high on his waist and being clung onto for dear life, but also lost. Dan had somehow gotten lost in the depths of the dark and empty corridors in this massive house - he wouldn't have preferred the house full of strangers that he could embarrass himself to in the light though, so he just grunted as he hit a turn into yet another unending creepy corridor, his hair frizzing up and dripping slightly, which only annoyed Dan more. Despite knowing fully well that this was not the way he came, he was already too far into this winding maze to turn back now, and could only hope eventually he ran into someone who could show him the way back (after some dreaded humiliation), or somehow miraculously turn up at his doorstep.

Then Dan saw the light, literally - there seemed to be a wider space around the corner of the corridor, possibly a staircase ('please be a staircase', Dan begged silently. At least he knew his way around once he was on the ground floor, although it would mean walking basically naked around everyone and anyone in the common room and whichever staff was on duty.) It was indeed a staircase, but there was also something else that could come to Dan's rescue. Someone else, in fact, as Dan registered the person who was sitting hunched over on one of the few armchairs in the space, seemingly deep in thought staring at the vending machine in front of him. Dan gulped. He recognised that blue polo shirt from today: it was none other than Phil Lester who Dan ran into in nothing but a towel, unable to find his own room. Dan was almost tempted to turn away and continue being lost, but it was too late. Whatever Phil was doing, waiting for a call from the payphone or buying snacks from the vending machine, he must've heard Dan because the trance was broken and he turned to catch sight of Dan, who stood painfully twisted to best protect his modesty with his towel only.

Phil was shocked, to say the least, because Dan had expected at least some of the grudge from their argument to have remained but instead Phil was openly staring at him and doing little else. Dan couldn't help but blush intensely, hyper conscious that Phil's eyes might or might not be following that droplet of water that was rolling down his neck and gathering at his collarbone right now. Dan must have looked like a mess, and it didn't help that he was 1) very aware that he was exposing way more skin that what he was comfortable with and 2) being stared down by his Youtube idol slash roommate.

"Uh... I think I'm lost?" Dan cleared his throat and spoke up at last, when Phil made no move to break out of this incredibly uncomfortable situation. All he wanted was just to get back to their room as soon as possible and into some clothes, crawl into bed and pretend none of this ever happened.

"You think? You mean you are lost," Phil's words were still slightly cold like before, but it was accompanied by a hearty laugh when the ridiculousness finally caught up. Phil's laugh was maybe the first thing Dan encountered since he stepped foot in this country that was actually vaguely familiar and not intimidating. So there it was, the Phil Lester than he knew so well. Dan reckoned there was a silver lining behind this unfortunate disaster after all, if he got to cheer his roommate up and dissipate some of the tension from earlier, and giggled stupidly with him.

"I'm guessing you'd want to go the fast way whilst running into the least number of people," Phil quipped as he started leading the way, not going down the stairs much to Dan's relief. They arrived to a set of double doors, which Phil chivalrously held open after him for Dan, who appreciated not having to lend his hands from clutching tightly onto the towel on his waist. Although Dan would have liked Phil to just keep his eyes on the road ahead of him at all times instead of glancing back at his very dangerously naked body.

"Don't look so worried! I swear we're a friendly house, this is just tradition," Phil warmed up a bit after taking on pity for the dripping puppy trailing behind him, when all Dan did was stay quiet and pouted as he followed his roommate in shame. He hated his hair frizzy, and almost had an urge to reach up with the corner with his towel, but he soon realised it would be a terrible idea to reveal more of his legs or god forbid, other parts of his body as well.

"If it makes you feel better, when I joined in year 8 they threw all my clothes into the lake. All of it. Trust me, they were going easy on you," Phil chuckled as Dan's jaw dropped in disbelief - both in the prank itself and Phil's clear lack of malice as he reminisced on once being the new kid himself. Maybe he had gotten over it, or maybe, just maybe, the "real" Phil Lester behind the camera or whoever else had been being unreasonably cold and yelling at Dan for the past few hours was hardly Phil's true character. The Phil Dan knew was friendly, carefree, and now, apparently, did not hold a grudge against pranks. Dan could only hope that Phil doesn't hold a grudge against new roommates who overstep boundaries when it came to AmazingPhil's Youtube career.

"Hey, stop looking so miserable. We're almost there," Phil jabbed at Dan's bare shoulder jokingly as their corridor was almost in sight, at which Dan flinched at. Luckily, they still hadn't walked into a single living soul. Phil had held his promise of avoiding any more witnesses to Dan's unfortunately entertaining situation. Dan sighed dramatically in return at the sight of his clothes spotted outside their door, even nicely folded on the floor for a touch of irony.

"Yeah I just... Can you please stop looking at me? I feel very naked ugh," Dan whined when Phil only laughed more. He had never been comfortable in his own skin, puberty stretching him out awkwardly and turning him from a mediocre chubby kid into a lanky and scrawny mess with love handles around his waist to shame him for the totally lack of any form of exercise. Not to mention his cringeworthy tan from his years in Southeast Asia without any knowledge whatsoever of sunscreen. Dan would make a self deprecating joke of being a hot mess, but that would entail him being hot. Dan was downright just a mess of a sight and he really needed attention away from him now (even if it was just from one person), at least until he get some clothes on.

"Hey! You're pretty decent," Phil protested, glaring at Dan despite his requests to emphasise the point. Dan ran into the safety of their room as soon as Phil swung the door open, kicking his clothes through the doorframe in the process. There was no way Dan was going to bend down to pick his stuff up in a towel in front of Phil.

"Decent both in the sense that enough is covered and that, you don't look all that bad," Phil's eyes glinted in mirth as they swept Dan from head to toe once again. Now he was purposefully fooling around with Dan. Dan scoffed as he got dressed with his back turned to Phil, ignoring his roommate cackling behind him. At least the ice was broken between them.

The jet lag finally paid its due in the morning, even though the night before Dan hadn't been feeling especially tired. He figured that it was probably because he went to bed at 3am every night in Singapore anyways, but he just couldn't go back to sleep now, rolling around his bunk bed to catch a glimpse of the sunrise peeking through the blinds. As a force of habit, Dan grabbed his phone that was plugged in on his shelf and immediately scrolled through all his social media mindlessly, logging into Youtube last. Old habits die hard, and it was almost compulsive of Dan to check every morning if Phil's uploaded - even though now Phil was less than two feet away from him. You could never trust Youtube mobile notifications, after all. 

This was the first time in Dan's life that he was relieved to see that Phil hadn't uploaded. Although the tension had dissipated last night, he was still on edge around Phil, dying to ask about the decision to shut down AmazingPhil but always too scared to mention it in the end. Phil might not be uploading any time soon at this rate, but as long as the announcement video wasn't up, officially there was still hope. When the time came, Dan might even be able to convince AmazingPhil to make a comeback, whatever the reason for the hiatus was. Dan wasn't an optimist at most things, but he was sure about this one.

The rest of Dan's day was spent doing admin and not much else. He met some more teachers of importance (whose names he had already forgotten), finalised his A Level subjects so he could have his timetable - the man had frowned at him cryptically when Dan insisted on doing five subjects. They were all crucial, Dan reasoned - he loved drama so there was no way he was giving it up, he could write essays with his eyes closed anyways and Harrow had already prepped him for advanced maths so he wouldn't even have to go to class. The teacher only sighed and threatened Dan to drop one (or a few) if ever his grades suffered and weren't as good as they were when he applied for the scholarship. Dan didn't mean to come across as cocky but he rolled his eyes anyways. They really should give him some credit, he knew his worth.

As Dan was walking back to the house from school, he got a text from PJ (well, more accurately a Facebook message - PJ had added him but it would be too imposing and downright weird if Dan asked for his number so soon) telling him that there was ice cream in the common room. Dan smiled and sped up his walk just a tad bit. There was nothing he loved more than free food (and an excuse to not hole up in his room without being extremely creepy and follow his new friends around in order not to be alone).

As promised, there was an ice box in the middle of the table waiting for Dan when he peeked into the common room, which gave him the courage to march in confidently despite the clutter of strange people dotted around the sofas. It was slightly disappointing - Dan rummaged around the almost empty box to find nothing much other than orange Calippos. Determined not to leave empty-handed, Dan settled for a lonely Feast chocolate ice lolly that was sitting in the bottom of the box - when something at the corner of his eye caught his attention. There were TV screens installed on all of the walls in the room - and since most people don't even watch TV anymore anyway, some screens in the house double as a digital noticeboard like the screens around main campus. This one particular screen, however, wasn't serving either function. Instead, there was a rather tacky powerpoint slide, with none other than yours truly, Dan Howell, on it, paired with some 2000s era WordArt that spelt "THE NEW PRETTY BOI OF STANLEY". 

"What the... what the fuck," Dan muttered under his breath in shock, anger, and a multitude of other emotions. He didn't even know when was that mugshot of him taken, but there it was - a blown up picture of him from yesterday when he was fresh off the plane and greasy. He looked around the room impulsively - to look for the culprit maybe, or to see if anyone found this school absolutely mad and bizarre like he did, anything to look at instead of that incriminating prank on the screen right now. However everyone seemed not to notice, or at least was ignoring it like it was a common occurrence - which Dan would not be surprised at by this point - except for one familiar face, Duncan, who peered at Dan passively from his armchair, barely looking up from the phone in his hand.

"What? It wasn't me who put it up there," Duncan clarified when Dan continued to glare at him and gesturing at the incriminating screen on the wall. He shrugged at Dan's exasperation - but it could've been worse, Dan guessed. At least Duncan wasn't finding it funny.

"And it's not like they're wrong. You are now the prettiest in Stanley. Oh boy, Connor is gonna be furious. I can't wait," and there it was. The tiniest flicker of a mischievous grin on Duncan's face, accompanied by some confusing remarks. 1) This had to be a joke because there was no way Dan was the most good looking - "pretty" - in the house, and 2) who the hell was Connor and 3) why would he be furious at this prank pulled on Dan. The screen then transitioned - great, there was more. It was a video now, more images flashing across the screen (including a blurry photo of Dan when he was roaming around in a towel last night - he was properly fuming now) paired with a voiceover.

"Behold, people of Stanley house! We have a new arrival and he is hot, hot, hot! Isn't this the most precious being you've ever laid eyes on since Connor Franta? Look at those big brown eyes! Stay tuned for more," it had to be PJ's voice, there was no mistaking of it. Dan was on the verge of maybe crying but mostly breaking something. Sure, this was harmless enough compared to actual bullying that Dan endured, but he thought PJ was a friendly guy. Why would he take the piss out of Dan like that? Dan was self conscious about his appearance, but he possibly couldn't be that ugly that everyone had to take the nick out of it. 

"What the fuck PJ," Dan yelled once the door was opened after his pounding, still panting for breath from storming up the stairs. PJ was stunned, a careful smile plastered on his face when he realised his harmless little joke had gone too fair, and apologised profusely. Dan usually wasn't one to confront, but having embarrassing photos of him circulating around the 50 boys he live with was exactly not how he wanted to start his new life. He only began to calm down when PJ promised to take it down immediately, pouting as he crossed his arms whilst sitting on PJ's chair, watching intently as PJ fussed about on his laptop.

"I'm so sorry man, I didn't know you would mind that much. For the record, I wasn't the one who pranked you in the shower, it was just too good to miss when I saw you wandering around you know. And it's only partly a joke, do you know how many people from the year above have been asking around about the "adorable new boy"? It's crazy," PJ rambled in an attempt to make Dan feel better and regain his trust, but it only made Dan more convinced that Chicheston was full of mad men. Well, at least this house was definitely filled with some very weird people. Dan didn't really know what to do with all this apparent attention on him - he was flattered, to say the least, but mostly weirded out. Why would people think he was "adorable" or "pretty"? Dan shook his head to himself at the ridicule. 

"Oh, and Duncan mentioned this guy Connor. Who's Connor? Should I be concerned?" PJ laughed and shook it off, telling Dan not to worry about it. Somehow Dan felt that there was more to the story, now that his curiosity was stirred, but decided against asking for more. He was subtly giving PJ the silent treatment right now, at least the best he could try as he stayed in his pout.

PJ explained that the gossip TV slash web series that him and Chris ran was a harmless little hobby - he liked making tacky graphics and weird short films, and Chris lived for the drama anyways. So whenever they had spare time, and whenever something had shocked the social world of Stanley house - they would make mock news presentation videos that aired around the house, and it was always a good laugh for everyone. It all started when Phil's videos became a hit with their friends and the wider house community, PJ wanting in on the fun of entertaining as well. Dan nodded pensively, itching to tell PJ about his embarrassing obsession with AmazingPhil but knew better if he didn't want this information ending up in the headlines of Stanley house as well as mostly naked photos. Dan never really thought about how would Phil's friends in real life respond to his Youtube fame, he would've guessed they would be slightly weird about it, or maybe even jealous. Now that he knew how popular Phil was both online and offline, Phil's decision to pull out of Youtube and even close himself off in the real world seemed more puzzling than before. Dan was determined to find out more - the real Phil Lester belonged to the screen and making people happy, there had to be something wrong for him to end up in the slump he was in right now. PJ wouldn't spill, but eventually Dan would find out anyways.


	4. flirty banter gone wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan meets a very charismatic figure in the house, flirts a bit without thinking, and gets into even more trouble.

Dan was starting to get mixed feelings about Stanley house evidently being a least favourite when it came to new arrivals picking houses - which, by the way, he still couldn't understand the reasons for. Sure, it was a 30 minute trek away from everything, and everyone in here seemed to be slightly mad and mostly eccentric and bizarre (although Dan had yet to testify was that a Stanley thing or general Chicheston culture), but Dan was getting nothing but good vibes since the two days he had been here. Well, maybe he just got lucky with having Phil Lester as the first living being he saw every morning when he woke up, which Dan still got giddy starstruck moments from; and Dan felt that he was already easily accepted into a group of friends who didn't make him feel alien. After all, Stanley wasn't a popular house and the student body was small relative to the sheer size of the actual building - the community here was tight knit, everyone knew each other and within hours Dan was already walking amongst familiar faces, if not people he had actually been acquainted with.

However, that was also exactly the downside. Everyone knew each other, so everyone could immediately spot Dan as the newcomer, and he experienced way too much unwanted attention (especially after that little stunt PJ pulled). Everyone was curious about the doe eyed white boy from Singapore - the fact that he was Phil Lester's new roommate seemed to feed this curiosity too: Dan couldn't be more wrong about never underestimating Phil's popularity in the house. There were at least a handful of boys from the year above who approached him, which was already bad news for the socially inapt Dan, and it didn't help that they always appeared part intrigued and well, just ever so slightly predatory. He didn't want to flatter himself, but there was definitely something Dan couldn't place a finger on - it wasn't like the older boys were checking him out per se - but he was now more self conscious after catching onto his whole apparently "adorable" appeal. Dan could only hope that his unthreatening and vulnerable image wouldn't make him an easy target to more pranks.

Dan was almost relieved at how underwhelming the actual new-boys-induction was - it turned out that he was the only one joining the house at Lower Sixth after all, since Chicheston's admissions had been evidently suffering anyways (seeing how desperate they were to take Dan in) and more so in the least popular house. He was sticking out like a sore thumb, when everyone were finally made to wear their uniforms in order to look proper in front of the new arrivals, except for Dan who still had nothing to wear to school other than the one tie he was given on the first day. The social hierarchies were more visible now, with all of the boys in the house suited up - Dan could tell which younger boys were newcomers like him in their own clothes, and the sixth formers were now distinguished since they wore black suits with their blue ties instead of the younger boys' blazers with the school crest on it. It was definitely a nice change from the ridiculous grey slacks ensemble Dan had to endure back in Harrow, especially with the straw hat, although his new uniform was quite overpoweringly black with the black stripes on the predominantly blue house tie as well. Funeral attire, Dan chuckled to himself, it fitted right into his usual angsty aesthetic anyway. However he did notice that PJ's version of the uniform had a shocking pop of colour, PJ opting to wear a bright emerald jumper under his suit jacket, the decision either unconscious or deliberate as it complimented his eyes very nicely. Dan wondered was this allowed at all - if so Chicheston had some interesting dress codes.

The colourful jumpers must be included in the rulebook then, Dan concluded, when a boy in a lilac jumper (and the rest of his uniform, of course) approached him after a while of Dan being left to wait around in the common room. Dan had been told that the prefect, the head of Stanley was going to meet him and give him an one-on-one induction and tour around town, the main purpose of which was to finally get Dan his uniform. He must be it then: his tie was different from the rest and had silver stripes diagonally across it, to distinguish him as a prefect. Dan couldn't deny that the look was cool and the boy definitely looked in charge - despite being miles shorter than Dan, he stood strong and proud with subtle muscles and a gravity defying quiff, and wore hipster glasses that age him well to present as a natural leader. Dan grinned stiffly as the boy marched towards him, a friendly (and almost professional) smile plastered on his very handsome face.

"Hello there, you must be Dan! I'm Tyler, your head of house for the year." American, Dan registered with shock as he was pulled into a firm handshake by Tyler, who was no less charismatic up close despite the revelation. Another surprise was spotting the faded lilac locks in the midst of Tyler's bleached blonde quiff, incredibly visible from Dan's angle. His choice of jumper colour was probably to match his hair, and Dan was astounded by how lenient the dress codes here were, to say the least. Somehow, he was relieved that even someone at Tyler's position could bend the rules like that - although obviously Dan was hardly a rebel. After some polite small talk, Tyler then walked Dan out, greeting every single person in the house along the way. They seemed close like a family, but it was also obvious that Tyler was looked up to by his peers. Dan couldn't help but grow slightly starry eyed.

Despite the first impression, Dan had came to learn that Tyler was very giggly, very American (based on the words he used and his accent), and almost flamboyant. Dan couldn't really tell was it Tyler's voice cracking or was he just usually an animated speaker with a high pitched voice - in short, Tyler was hardly the most macho leader he had ever met. Dan had nothing against Tyler, it didn't make him respect the prefect less - rather Dan was just caught off guard, pleasantly surprised that Tyler was obviously on the top of the social chain, despite not being the picture perfect masculine ideal (Tyler was picture perfect, Dan backtracked). This was certainly different from what Dan had experienced for the recent half of his life, especially concerning his repressed memories of getting picked on for every little gesture in his life and being constantly on edge. Tyler was definitely a refreshing figure to get to know. He was also very friendly and a natural people entertainer - throughout their walk to town Dan was always made comfortable in their light hearted conversation and Dan had quickly came to trust Tyler as the authority of the house. Again, Dan didn't know what to think of it, but he was possibly getting hinted that Tyler might be harmlessly flirting with him - not unlike the attention he received from some of the other older boys as well. Dan wondered if Tyler's flourish and charisma translated to something more.

"Looking good, Dan Howell! I can see it now, you definitely live up to the name of the new national treasure of Stanley," Dan blushed as he presented a little spin in his new suit, Tyler smirking at him at the counter of the uniform shop. He looked into the mirror, examining himself in the attire. Dan couldn't deny that he looked rather dapper - he felt like a real posh British boy now, and gave his reflection a tiny smile.

"You flatter me, Tyler Oakley," Dan laughed shyly, retaliating as he shrugged out of the jacket. Dan was vaguely aware that he might be, god forbid, flirting back, but didn't think much of it as they burst into another fit of giggles. It wasn't like Dan liked Tyler seriously - not like that at all - but it was harmless, it was fun, he enjoyed the attention and didn't feel too awkward to not return the favour. 

When Dan first learned that this was an all boys boarding school, he was certainly reserved, expecting toxic masculinity and having to monitor himself like he always did. But Chicheston proved itself to be different. Dan entertained the thought of him casually having flirty banter with another boy - it was never going to be a repulsive thought - but he was shocked, nonetheless; shocked at how different he had already become after coming here. Only a few days in and Dan was already starting to realise things about himself that he never knew. He shook the unnerving thought off quickly, and returned to Tyler's side, although now at a polite and friendly distance.

"So, we get the liberty to choose a jumper of a colour of our own choice, as a sixth form privilege," Tyler explained, running his hand through the racks of sweaters that were arranged by colour. Dan gulped at the expanse of the rainbow before him. He was never really a colour person - growing up he didn't have a favourite colour, and Dan couldn't think of one that belonged to him like the green to PJ, or lilac to Tyler. His eyes did linger on the baby pink sweater on the far end of the rack though, it looked so soft, and reminded Dan of a better time. He smiled softly to himself - when he was 13 he went through a pastel phase, inspired by his then tragic Tumblr blog, and refused to wear anything else that wasn't in pastel hues - although that phase was short lived. Despite his dad rarely being home to police what he wore, his "friends" at the time took the chance to instead. Dan escaped the bright colours hastily, and settled on the trusty jet black sweater. Tyler scoffed but helped him carry his pile of clothes to the register anyway.

"Don't say no, it's my treat," Tyler announced firmly when he added the light pink sweater on top of Dan's existing pile, before Dan could even protest. He must have caught Dan lingering on it. Dan could only watch dejectedly as Tyler signed the bill for the extra sweater under his tab, although Dan couldn't deny that he was secretly glad that Tyler insisted and be the devil on his behalf. Dan would never had gotten it himself, and maybe one day when he found the courage to, he would wear his pink sweater with his uniform with pride. 

"So... you're rooming with Phil Lester huh? How are you finding it so far?" Tyler asked conversationally as they walked through town and towards the back entrance of Stanley. Dan was expecting it almost - after all there was little else any Upper Sixth boys would speak to him about - it was always either 1) some borderline creepy remark about how "cute" he was, or 2) cryptic enquiry about Phil. Dan never knew how to answer, really, because everyone always made it sound like sharing a room with Phil was highly problematic and Dan just couldn't figure out why. There was nothing wrong with Phil, so why did everyone seem so on edge around him, PJ included who had shared a room with him, was quite close to him and had no problems with it back then? Dan couldn't deny that it hadn't exactly been a smooth sail trying to get along with Phil, but that was only because of the little hiccup of Dan being a massive AmazingPhil nerd. There had to be something else wrong with Phil, if it got all of his friends who had known him for years so worried.

"I mean, I don't live with any siblings so it is weird to share a room now. But it's okay, I guess, Phil's okay. He's nice... he's just a bit quiet and... he just hasn't warmed up to me yet," Dan chuckled awkwardly, unwilling to explain the frankly quite embarrassing conflict between him and Phil and tried to play it down. Tyler glanced him in worry.

"Oh hunny, is Phil causing you trouble already? If you really want to I can get you a room change, or even your own room," Tyler suggested seriously, to which Dan had to quickly turn down in panic. He assured Tyler that everything was fine, and he was perfectly happy with Phil - there was no way that he was going to give up being in such proximity of his idol. Tyler nodded pensively after several of Dan's pleas, pushing his glasses up the nose of his bridge.

"If you insist," Tyler said slowly, to which Dan nodded vigorously with an overly bright smile to reassure. Tyler pulled a tight close-lipped smile in return.

"Phil is actually a good boy with a big heart, trust me. I love him to bits. Be gentle with him, will ya? I know he could seem cold but it's just because... he's kinda in a slump right now. Which is a shame, really, I was almost hoping he could follow in my footsteps next year," Tyler sighed, looking down for the first time Dan had seen today. Dan hummed thoughtfully, dying with questions yet keeping them to himself. So it was confirmed that Phil's weird behaviour and rudeness towards Dan could be explained: somehow Dan felt more tolerant towards Phil now, knowing that he wasn't acting totally different for no reason. Dan was also relieved to know that Phil was the widely loved and popular figure that Dan had imagined him to be - it was good to hear that he didn't idolise AmazingPhil too out of hand, after all. It would break Dan's heart to realise that Phil wasn't the angel that he always looked up to.

"Hey, I haven't seen you all day," Dan commented cheerfully as he spotted Phil's back in the corner of the room, dropping his bags at the foot of his bedpost. Phil hummed noncommittally in response, which didn't dampen Dan's mood at all. At least it wasn't hostile, Dan was making progress and would take whatever he could get. As Phil turned around, Dan let out a gasp embarrassingly, muffling himself just in time.

"Nice jumper," Dan quipped, staring openly at Phil Lester all dressed up in his form fitting black suit and a muted cobalt blue sweater that only constantly reminded Dan to get lost in his breathtaking eyes again. Phil looked very, very cool in person and Dan was almost accustomed to being ungrateful for getting to know him in real life. When he left the room in the morning, Phil was still sound asleep in bed so Dan didn't have the chance to witness Phil in uniform until now. Phil had the slightest noticeable blush on his face as he thanked Dan, walking away from the mirror to prevent more abuse to his fringe before peering over Dan's shoulder.

"How about you? I can't imagine what colour would you pick," Phil rummaged through the pile that Dan had unceremoniously emptied onto his table, still reaching from behind Dan as he did so. On the inside Dan cheered at this step forward in friendly interaction, and stood frozen in hopes that Phil wouldn't realise how close to Dan he was standing.

"Ooh pink? Nice, I wouldn't have guessed though," Phil exclaimed, without any malice in his voice, but Dan still took his cue to panic nonetheless, old instincts kicking in.

"Of course not! I got a black one, Tyler Oakley got the pink for me. Not gonna wear it though, obviously," Dan defended himself, but there seemed to be nothing much to defend as all Phil responded with was a hearty laugh and a pat on Dan's shoulder, like Tyler did, as if persuading Dan he would eventually come to his senses and own the pink. Dan frowned as Phil retreated to his bed, still chuckling at Dan's antics.

"Typical Tyler," Phil said softly with a smile. "He must like you very much, like everyone else in the year above huh. Come on, let's go to supper," before Dan could protest at Phil's snide comment, Phil was already making his way to the door. Dan took a moment to agonise over whether was he supposed to get into his new suit right away, but decided against it in haste, running after Phil out of the door.

"Phil! You haven't been around for the entire day! Can't believe you skived pfft," PJ complained loudly as Phil subtly joined the queue where the rest of their corridor mates were. Dan's jaw dropped at the size of the queue - for the past two days he had been marching straight into the dining hall, he had almost forgotten that the house wasn't empty all the time. He almost felt bad that they were essentially cutting the queue, but the people behind them seemed not to mind, as well as anyone else, so he just followed Phil's lead. Dan waved back as PJ caught sight of him.

"Yeah, I wasn't really feeling social interaction. I'm so awkward anyway," Phil shrugged as Chris sighed dramatically, accusing Phil of stealing his usual line. PJ was half way through making a comment about how this was hardly Phil's usual self, but stopped himself mid sentence, muttering before anyone caught what he said. Dan did hear PJ, but was smart enough to stay silent and collect these puzzle pieces quietly to figure out his current puzzle that was Phil Lester.

The conversation between them came to a natural end when someone from behind reached up to ruffle Dan's fringe. Dan yelped in annoyance, turning around to see Tyler grinning up at him, cackling when Dan glared at him. Tyler waved, winked, before walking along again to very obviously cut the queue at the front. This was one weird school logic that Dan would need to get used to, although he certainly was not complaining if this was one of the sixth former perks as well.

"Ooooooh, what was that," his friends whistled and hollered once Tyler was out of earshot, purposefully making Dan embarrassed and even highlighting more obviously exactly what was the entire ordeal. It was at least slightly flirty without denying, who was Dan trying to fool, but his friends only teased him lightheartedly - Dan would probably live. Dan shrugged and played naive. Jack pretended to shed a fake tear, proclaiming that Dan was climbing up the social ranks quickly and would soon forget about them, which Dan laughed off. This was nice, feeling like they were really Dan's friends.

Dan was marvelling at the bowl of trifle that Phil was showing him next to the fridges when it happened: a shorter boy ran into him in the middle of the serving stations, sending Dan's tray in his hands flying and with all of its contents mostly flipped onto himself. In the split second of watching gravy splash onto himself, Dan was very glad that he didn't put on his brand new suit after all. Dan gasped to himself dramatically first, but immediately turn to apologise, despite how his shirt was drenched in all sorts of food-juice. He didn't know was it deliberate, but if it was, the situation was too familiar to ignore - usually Dan took to apologising profusely with his head down, just get on with his life and hope that it didn't happen again. Dan was no stranger to people purposefully picking on him.

When Dan looked back up, the culprit had stormed away with his head held high; but there was also Phil, who had rushed to Dan's rescue quickly with a stack of paper towels (after a jaw drop of utter disbelief - quite entertaining seeing that Dan hadn't witnessed him show that much emotion in person ever), and there was also Chris, who already took it to himself to yell after the boy who had very probably crashed into Dan on purpose.

Luckily, most of the food was caught on Dan's hoodie (which he wore over a T-shirt), so it wasn't long before he took off the disgusting hoodie, replaced his food and they resumed their dinner routine as if nothing happened. His friends were determined not to let go of the matter though, as they began to loudly discuss Dan's assaulter, who looked defiant still, sitting at the other end of the dining hall and very visibly glaring back. 

"Dan, didn't you ask earlier who's Connor? That little shit right there, that was Connor," PJ raised his voice unnecessarily as he squinted at Connor's general direction, where a herd of younger boys were sat. Dan frowned to himself, so that was what everyone warned him about, the infamous Connor who was coming after him. Dan didn't understand since when did he offend the boy, or whatever he did wrong to deserve this, but was glad that at least he had some people supporting him against this.

"Don't mind him Dan, Connor's just jealous that you're cuter than him and now that you're here you've stolen all his spotlight," Jack waved it off dismissively, but Dan didn't feel assured in any way. He took another glance at Connor, properly assessing him now - he was definitely a textbook pretty boy, with dark fluffy curls and a slick jawline. Dan gulped - he couldn't believe 1) that people actually thought he could match to that, and 2) that Connor would actually consider him a threat to whatever weird throne he was sitting on in this house's social politics. Dan could clearly see why would anyone and everyone flock to Connor and fawn over him though - he would have to be more careful to make sure he didn't land himself into more pranks staged by Connor and his army.

"Yeah exactly, especially now that you're fraternising with his bae Tyler Oakley," Chris announced as if he was analysing a major scandal. Dan could totally imagine this being Chris' presenter voice for him and PJ's no good gossip videos. Dan protested immediately, before backtracking at the new information. 

"His bae? Wait what... is Connor Tyler's..." Dan wasn't entirely shocked - after all his suspicions were there since the beginning, and it only seemed a natural match that a typical pretty boy was associated with the ever charismatic Tyler Oakley. Dan knew that he was technically in the 'liberal west' now, but he wouldn't go so far as to expect a serious school romance in an all boys boarding school, god forbid - he would imagine that something like that wouldn't survive long under the scrutiny of the boys or even the school authority. Dan's second reaction was to slap himself on the forehead in a massive facepalm - only if he had known earlier! If he had known, there was no way Dan would let himself come that close to flirting with Tyler Oakley in the first place - he kind of deserved Connor avenging on him, now to think of it. Dan had put himself into this mess. If only he didn't get so carried away by all the attention being thrown at him, for god's sake.

"Nah, there isn't actually anything between them. Connor's just obsessed with Tyler Oakley, the entire house knows this. He's basically a stalker. He would kill anyone near Tyler to be fair, so don't put it to heart. It's not personal," as always, it was Duncan's ever emotionless voice that grounded Dan back on earth. Dan was slightly relieved at that - although he still made a note to be wary of Connor, never intended to pose a threat in the first place, it was nice to learn that Dan didn't just put himself in the jeopardy of potentially home wrecking. Whatever Dan had planned for his new life, to lay low and cause as little impact to the existing social workings, it was not going according to plan at all. Attracting all sorts of weird drama was the last thing Dan had expected and he couldn't even begin to process his frustration at all this.

"Wait. But Tyler Oakley... is he... is he gay then?" Once Dan's curiosity was stirred, he couldn't help but ask the question that had been burning in his mind for several hours now. However his voice was hushed as soon as the question left his lips and Dan felt just the slightest pang of regret. It was a sensitive topic, both in the obvious setting of an all boys school, as well for himself. Dan shouldn't have brought it up at all, he didn't know how these people around him would react - after all they have only barely known each other for a day. They could dismiss it right away, angrily and in disbelief for Dan had brought up a taboo; or worse, they could confirm Dan's suspicions, but laugh at Tyler Oakley behind his back. Neither outcome was one that Dan was prepared to confront, and although he did want to know out of pure curiosity, he probably wouldn't enjoy a bitching session about Tyler. Although Dan had only met Tyler today, he did respect the prefect from the bottom of his heart and it would pain him to hear people jab at Tyler so dismissively.

"Dan, I know that you still have a lot to pick up here, but we don't disrespect our head of house like that. You might not know yet, but everyone loves Tyler here. We all voted for him, he's basically the people's hero. So watch your mouth," Chris said seriously under his breath, reprimanding with a harsh glare whilst the others on their table made an effort to turn their heads and stare into space, seemingly determined to avoid the topic. This was not any of the responses that Dan anticipated at all, as he registered that he was being told off (very inexplicably), and didn't even get the answer that he wanted. Chris looked offended that Dan would even mention the idea at all, but not in the way that Dan had usually expected people to react. Dan was confused, to say the least.

"But... but it's not an insult...?" Dan muttered weakly, but clammed his mouth shut when PJ kicked him under the table to direct Dan to notice his aggressive head shaking, warning Dan to not push further. What was more puzzling was that PJ then turned to glance at Phil worryingly, as if it were a touchy subject for Phil and hence Dan should stop immediately, which confused Dan even more and led him to turn to Phil as well. Phil stared right back into Dan's eyes knowingly, as if acknowledging Dan's point that yes, Chris shouldn't have made it sound like Dan accused Tyler of being gay, but Phil only shrugged and shook his head gently as well. Dan had little else to do except to eat his trifle in silence instead, a cloud of confusion remaining on his head.

It seemed that Dan still had a lot to learn when it came to navigating social cues and hidden rules. But there was definitely something very off about the boys around him, and it concerned Phil's many secrets as well. Dan was still very frustrated that his curiosity wasn't satisfied and he didn't get to discover Tyler's truth after all, although he now knew better to pry further, taking a cue from how tense everyone was at supper. Dan was also dying to know why was PJ wary of mentioning anything of this sort in front of Phil - Dan wasn't an idiot, he was in no way homophobic. One possibly couldn't be when you spend so much time on the internet, and it certainly would've been the same for Phil Lester himself. So what was with all that hush shush over the dining table? It was a reaction to scandalousness; it was a mutually agreed cautious, tiptoeing behaviour around someone at the table who could be blow off by a trigger word. Dan suspected that the person everyone was trying to protect was Phil. Dan surreptitiously looked down through the railings of his bunk, at Phil's back curled up away from him in his bed, as if staring at him would give Dan the answers he craved. The more Dan tried to decode just exactly who AmazingPhil was, why and how he lost his light, Dan only found more mysteries to uncover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to think my writing has evolved from three years ago - but I have a bad habit of rambling, repetition, especially with using the same words again and again! Please be gentle with me and don't hesitate to point it out if you noticed too and it's bugging you hahah x


	5. daniel the damsel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School starts, Dan very nearly gets run over if it weren't for Phil, and decides to try new things.

"Must you hog the mirror for literally an hour every single morning?" Phil whined, but he was laughing exasperatedly as he joined Dan who was religiously straightening his hair in front of the only full length mirror in the room. Dan sat crossed legged on the carpet whilst Phil stood behind him with his own Poundland straightener, mirroring Dan's actions. Despite Phil not particularly wanting to warm up to his roommate who intruded his short-lived life in solitude, he couldn't deny that him and Dan were similar in many ways, and worked well together living in the same room. They had similar bed times so there was hardly any conflict over the light switch, and Dan was used to using headphones and so never minded Phil who had a habit of playing everything out loud like an old man. Phil was especially impressed with how Dan was surprisingly good at rolling out of bed early, despite his messiness and surface level disorganisation (as long as Dan's sprawl of crap didn't invade Phil's half of the room, Phil couldn't care less. Phil had a lot of miscellaneous crap himself too). Having to fend for himself from a young age (and occasionally his incompetent adult dad), Dan was trained to self discipline, which was unusual for someone new to boarding. Phil, on the other hand, was more talented in getting up last minute and ready lightening fast, but he was grateful that Dan always woke up way earlier than him to do his hair so Phil wouldn't have to fight for the mirror (well, on most mornings anyways, unlike now). Although Phil did suspect that Dan always deliberately got dressed before he was awake to protect his insecurities - it couldn't be a coincidence that Phil hadn't seen Dan topless ever since the first night when Dan was hilariously roaming the halls in nothing but a towel (not that Phil was consciously counting the days, of course).

Sixth form classes started in a blur - Dan certainly found it easier to ease into the academic side of things than settling into a new social circle (although his friends did try their best to make Dan feel welcomed, which Dan was grateful for). After all, this was one of Dan's strengths and perhaps his only strength when it came to surviving school - being annoyingly smart. Initially Dan had panicked over the fact that he no longer had designated seats in class, since he had to go to different classrooms for each of them: when you were as severely socially anxious as Dan, any setting in school was a crisis. Luckily, Dan had people he already knew in most classes: Dean even giving up his usual seat next to Jack in Geography for Dan (which Dan was very guilty about, but Dean hardly minded sitting behind them anyways), and when in doubt, Dan had found that approaching someone else with a blue tie like his was always a safe bet. Dan made another new friend from Stanley, a pudgy boy called Tom in History who had the same satirical sense of humour as Dan. It seemed that Dan's reputation had already spread far and wide as Tom immediately felt the need to jab at his pretty boy status, but Dan simply retaliated by claiming that if only Tom gave up his dad glasses, he would instantly be half as hot as Dan, at least. Tom smacked him on the arm for that, despite smiling. (It was partly the truth, of course, Dan couldn't deny that Tom's face had the potential to match the rest of the unfairly attractive people in this school). Dan also made his first friend outside of the house - he sat next to this small guy from Holmes house called Joe (totally not because he looked like a model) during English, and although Joe was very posh, he was friendly enough for Dan to be convinced that boys in yellow ties were also safe to approach if solely based on stereotypes. Dan was most excited to start Drama classes - acting was his lifelong passion, but he had given it up a few years ago, since he was forced to focus on more "worthwhile" academic subjects. Things weren't going all that bad except for the weird attention Dan had gotten himself tangled in - it felt like he was finally on the right track to finding the life he wanted to live.

Unfortunately, Phil wasn't in any of his classes - Phil did English, Maths and Art, and their timetables hardly matched up, Phil not being in Dan's English class, and Dan wasn't even going to Maths classes since he was already ahead (and his timetable would suffer if he did anyways). Dan supposed that he couldn't get so lucky all the time - he should be grateful that he already was Phil's roommate, and it might do them some good anyways, if Dan wasn't there to bug Phil and annoy him 24/7. If Dan weren't kept away from Phil, he would have a hard time not following his idol around like a lost puppy, wanting to spend the most possible time with Phil Lester now that his virtual friend became reality. In fact, Dan ran into Phil as he was walking from one class to another in the corridors, wandering with an embarrassing print out of the map of the school since the building complex was still too big for Dan to navigate confidently.

"Dan! You don't have a free period now, do you? Poor child," PJ quipped as a group of them stopped walking to greet Dan briefly, Phil and Chris included amongst some unfamiliar faces. Phil was trailing behind the crowd quietly as usual, although he did muster up a small smile at the sight of his roommate. It was almost like he was glad to see Dan. Dan grinned brightly back.

"Yeah, I have drama now. Where are you guys off to? Back to house?" Dan asked curiously as he peered at his map quickly again, aware that they were heading to the exact opposite direction of where Stanley was, despite his bad sense of direction. The strangers in the group laughed lightly at that inexplicably - they were from other houses so Dan guessed that the inside joke had something to do with the fact that his friends were from Stanley.

"Nah, they are going back to their houses, we're just gonna hang out in the library. Stanley's too far away, it's not worth the trek to and back. You should join us sometime!" PJ explained, as if sharing a prized life hack with Dan, who was actually slightly amazed at the revelation. It didn't sound like a bad idea at all - after all Dan hated exercising and would've avoided the long walk at all cost, and it sounded like a colossal waste of time to walk to and from house anyway. He didn't even have the time to agonise over whereabouts he should spend his time as the friendless new boy when he was stranded in main school and had no other friends' houses to go to, Dan was so glad that PJ had offered. But alas, he didn't have the luxury to have as many free periods as most people anyways, since he had picked to do five subjects.

By Friday Dan's friends were starting to notice just how hectic Dan's timetable was - juggling five subjects, all inconveniently situated in different corners of the massive campus building, in addition to settling in meetings with teachers that Dan still had to attend, Dan hardly even had time for lunch (in the furthest house in campus as well). He ran into the dining hall to slam his tray at the end of their table yet again, 30 minutes late and probably obliged to leave within 5. The concern was clear on Jack's face as they all watched Dan gulf down his portion of fish and chips, not bothering to even peel his backpack off.

"No offence Dan, but this is obviously not going to work in the long run, given exactly how athletic you are. Are you seriously going to run back and forth from school every day for the rest of your time here?" Chris quipped, sipping on his carton of juice casually in comedic juxtaposition to Dan's flurried actions. Dan groaned, hardly amused that his friends who had been in Stanley far longer than he had didn't have any useful advice to give. Jack however seemed pensive.

"Phil, you still haven't gotten rid of your bike right? Why don't you just sell it to Dan then? It would save Dan so much time," Jack said slowly, Phil catching on and nodded, although hesitant to the suggestion. Phil had been trying to sell his bike since the year started, but to no avail - Dan certainly needed it more than him, Phil was almost overwhelmed by the number of free periods he had these days. He perked up to the idea to find Dan looking at him hopefully with puppy eyes. Phil sighed, but agreed anyway.

Phil's bike was definitely a good investment at thirty pounds - nothing was broken, everything was intact and only slightly rusty, and Dan didn't even have to struggle to adjust the seat since him and Phil were about the same height. Dan was quite scared at first at the idea - in theory he knew how to cycle, but he hadn't touched a bike ever since he left the country, and that was almost a decade ago. Hong Kong and Shanghai and Singapore weren't exactly cycling friendly cities, so Dan had no reason to get on a bike for the past few years of his life, and he never imagined he would ever have a reason to again. He was initially slightly skeptical when he heard how cheap Phil's bike was, but he could tell although it was old, it was well taken care of and probably trust worthy. This didn't seem like a terrible idea after all - it would save Dan half an hour at least every day.

Phil, however, was in turn unconvinced, once he witnessed how Dan immediately toppled over after giving his bike a test run in the parking lot outside Stanley. Dan looked like a 6 foot tall baby penguin learning to walk for the first time, struggling to regain his balance with his rusty cycling skills. It was painful to watch - Phil was constantly torn between laughing uncontrollably or cringing and pretending that he wasn't associated with Dan whenever someone walked past. He wondered if cycling to school would save Dan any time at all if Dan continued to fail to simply peddle the bicycle.

"Ay look Phil, I'm getting the hang of it!" Dan cried out happily, eyes crinkling at the corner as he managed to cycle in a straight line over the short span of the parking lot. So eventually Dan relearned how to cycle - Phil might be accustomed to appearing emotionless but he couldn't help but crack a smile, Dan was indeed pretty amusing to watch on this otherwise boring Saturday afternoon. Dan, lost in his ecstatics, went on to cycle around aimlessly in the open space before their house, slightly smug as he made a trip around where Phil was stood. He even made an attempt to cycle with one hand off the handle bar - which impressively didn't end in total disaster.

Dan's fun was cut short in a whirlwind - before he could see, or barely heard it, a car came right into the direction of Dan on his bike, speeding across the parking lot. Dan would have been hit right on his side - if it weren't for Phil who dragged him off course in a split second, in sync with the car that swerved just enough for it to brush past instead of running Dan over quite uglily. Dan, still entangled with the bicycle between his legs, landed painfully on top of Phil who took most of the impact, groaning once he assessed their safety in a glance. The car must be electric - it hazardously drove across campus and disappeared soundlessly before both of the boys could catch it. They laid unmoved on the gravel for a moment, Dan heaving in short pants in shock whilst Phil wrapped around his shoulder with a protective arm, unwilling to let go as Phil anticipated more danger in caution.

"Hey, are you okay?" Despite just being crushed by a jutted metal frame and Dan's entire bodyweight (that couldn't be light), Phil seemed to be more concerned by the moron he just saved than himself. Dan nodded, scrambling off once he could compose himself, before apologising profusely as he ungracefully attempted to lift the bicycle away from Phil on the ground. Phil pushed himself up, easily enough (to Dan's relief he didn't spot any major injuries except for a few scratches on Phil's exposed knee), brushing himself off casually as if he didn't just essentially save Dan's life.

"Phil I'm so sorry for crushing you! ... and thank you," Dan said timidly, gingerly pulling the bicycle back upright (impressively that damn thing was still entirely intact for some reason) and gripping onto the handlebars awkwardly without better things to do. Phil looked away, almost blushing, obvious that he didn't take compliments and gratitude well. The air was so thick with tension Dan almost felt bad for still panting slightly from the thrill.

"Uh, I guess the bike's still up for sale right?" Dan asked awkwardly after the long pause between the two of them, both lost for words after the incident. If Phil wasn't convinced by Dan on a bike before, he certainly wasn't any more convinced now. Dan was a bit shaken by the almost car crash, but the bicycle had survived, so surely so should he recover.

"Only under one condition," Phil's half smirk was unsure, and very cryptic, as Dan pondered on what that condition might be. 

Phil refused to sell his bike to Dan unless Dan promised to wear a helmet whenever he was on it - courtesy to the little accident to be they just encountered - which Dan lightly protested at. The risk was real, Dan wasn't blind - but he also realised how disastrous he would look in a stupid helmet (and more importantly, after wearing it), potentially ruining his hair that he straightens meticulously every day. It was definitely not a good look. Phil scoffed at Dan's whining.

"It's just eight quid. Eight quid, in exchange for your life," Phil stated, unimpressed, when Dan still hesitated at the aisle of Tesco's. Phil having succeeded in dragging Dan this far out into town to commit to the helmet, right after they locked his bike (still Phil's) back at Stanley, just in case Dan tried to back out of the idea again. Dan squinted at the ugly polyester helmet, covered with tack plastic, unattractively displayed before him. In the back of his mind he knew it was the sensible thing to do, the memory of his near death experience earlier today still fresh, but he just couldn't get over how unflattering the cheap thing was. Of course, Dan could do a better investment than a Tesco piece, but he'd rather not spend one penny more on what he hadn't wanted in the first place anyways. Phil was adament that he wasn't getting the bicycle otherwise, so Dan eventually came to and brought the helmet to self checkout defeatedly. Phil let out a small exclaim in triumph, Dan's mini row with the self checkout machine (as usual) not dampening his spirits at all.

"Looking good, Howell!" Chris yelled across the dining hall snidely, bursting into laughter as Dan was spotted coming in for lunch, fringe slightly flat and less straight from before from wearing his helmet. Dan rolled his eyes excessively as he joined the table with his tray of food - finally on time for once - pointedly ignoring his friends' harmless teases and hollering. Deep down Dan knew they were only turning the teasing a notch up because he was so easily offended and admittedly too self conscious about his appearance - Dan probably willed this attention upon himself for being a good sport in the first place. He just wished he didn't earn more quality time with his mates only to get laughed at for the sacrifice - his terrible helmet hair. Dan sulked and ate his pie quietly in the corner, ignoring them.

"You guys have to thank me for this, never forget," Phil quipped, joining in on everyone's still incessant laughter, eyes crinkling in the corners and poking his tongue out unconsciously. Dan glared back at his roommate, naturally, but couldn't help but notice how weirdly endearing Phil's stupid habit was. Dan vaguely remembered seeing Phil laugh like this in videos, but didn't really pick up on it until now. Perhaps the silver lining of this entire unfortunate situation was that at least the ever so passive Phil found it amusing. Phil shared another apparently hilarious inside joke with PJ, before excusing himself from the table to get popcorn from the vending machines. The banter eventually dissolved away, thank god, and PJ peered at Dan in curiosity.

"Wow, was that the first time Phil Lester so much as to crack a smile since term started this year?" PJ stated conspicuously, with everyone else agreeing seriously, all sobered up from the laughs earlier (even including Chris, who watched Phil from afar as if trying to decipher him). Dan shrunk into himself in self consciousness under the scrutiny, although on the inside he couldn't help but feel slightly giddy at the fact that he might just be getting closer to crack Phil Lester the iceberg. Phil was always so special to Dan, he couldn't ever fathom it being the other way round, even if it was something as trivial as being Phil's joke to giggle at. Dan would also entertain himself with the thought that Phil actually cared about his personal safety instead of just forcing the helmet on Dan for laughs. 

"Well, I guess you're more than just a pretty face huh," PJ said as he reached to ruffle Dan's hair further cheerily. Dan huffed, he figured that the moment was over then. The boys went back to their teasing chatter, which Dan walked away from soon enough, under the pretence of helping himself to some more water, rolling his eyes as he got up. It seemed that his humiliation session was far from over though, as he was met with Tyler Oakley at the water fountain, who glanced and took note at Dan's mess of a fringe as soon as he was in view. Dan surreptitiously peeked around, making sure a certain Tyler fanatic was nowhere in sight - Connor Franta still shot hostile glares at him whenever there was a chance, and Dan would hate to give him more reason to.

"Serving looks with that hobbit hair, Daniel," Tyler cackled, whilst Dan scoffed exasperatedly in response. It seemed that no one in Stanley had any interest in letting him off for his terrible hair, not in the near future at least. Dan couldn't even be bothered to retaliate anymore, just accepting his fate as he filled up his bottle in silence, only scrunching his nose up in distaste as a response. Dan hated Tyler for looking nothing less than perfect all the time - his quiff only made Dan's hair look even more sad. Tyler glanced back at him, seemingly pensive. Dan hoped that he wasn't scheming anything that would put Dan into further humiliation.

"Anyway, rumour has it that you could play the piano. Is that true?" Tyler asked, out of the blue, and Dan was too surprised from the change of topic, too far absorbed in himself to respond except to nod. Tyler wasn't really interested in making conversation with Dan before, ever since the day they met, probably aware of the unwanted attention it brought onto Dan, so it was unexpected for it to start now. Dan gulped before replying awkwardly.

"Uh, I kinda can I guess. I'm not amazing per se," Dan said humbly, so humble that he was basically lying through his teeth. Truth was, like the overachiever Dan was, he was a grade 7 piano prodigy before he even turned 12, but it was forgotten promptly after one of his moves from one country to another. Dan still played on a keyboard at home, occasionally for fun, but nothing too fancy and he wouldn't be comfortable in performing difficult pieces or anything like that anymore. Tyler beamed as Dan confirmed the rumour.

"Fantastic! How do you feel about playing for the Inter-house song competition? It's weeks away, but I wanted to be prepared for my first ever house event. It won't be anything difficult, it's gonna be just some pop songs. I don't know which yet, but we have some ideas," Tyler reassured as Dan frowned, considering the offer. It didn't sound too daunting, but before joining Chicheston Dan was never one to get involved in school at all. His goal was always just to blend into the background and get through school as peacefully as possible. He wondered was this an opportunity for him to start now. Tyler was adamant.

"It means that you don't have to sing on stage when everyone else have to! Also you won't be alone, I'm trying to get together a little band, there would be others playing with you," Tyler pressed, before gently nudging Dan away, aware that they were in the way of other people trying to get to the water fountain. Dan agreed unsurely, to which Tyler cheered to enthusiastically, waving goodbye afterwards. 

That was one surreal encounter. Dan would never have thought himself one to be shining on stage, but maybe with new beginnings come a new Daniel Howell as well, so why not try new things. Dan wasn't entirely sure what would riding out the wave of him being a celebrity in the house entailed, but he hoped that the future was bright ahead. He was already meeting new people and making friends, so surely there was no harm in pushing himself further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by chance i finally got to see the town that i got the namesake from - chichester. and oh my god i almost forgot what british little towns were like: in the middle of nowhere, cute but unexciting and full of white people. seems fitting to be the closest thing to civilisation to a posh school setting hmm
> 
> that being said i love britain: i was at london pride and it was so great my heart is so full of gay pride and love!!!


	6. sing!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan plays as part of a band, Phil introduces him to Muse, and he learns more names (including Tyler's old flame).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be warned this is a boring chapter in hindsight: can skip if you want the summary basically says it all :) a lot of character introductions happen here but most characters don't appear until later

"So, do you think we have a chance of not losing this year?" The noise was deafening from beyond the curtains of the stage: effectively the entire school was waiting for them in the audience, cheering (more like booing enthusiastically) to the bad MC - an irrelevant teacher whose name Dan couldn't remember - who was failing to be a hype man. From the sounds of the audience it was almost like everyone else was excited to see Stanley fail. Dan stood closest to the stage, awkwardly clutching onto his keyboard, along with his little band, followed by a queue of Stanley boys behind them trailing down the stairs to backstage. This entire house competition setup was chaotic - mostly student ran, tailored to an ad hoc schedule on the Saturday before half term, and no one really knew what they were doing. Dan was nervous, to say the least, but it wasn't like any of this really mattered. After all, from what he gathered, the stakes couldn't be lower and if they ended up an embarrassment, people expected them to be anyway.

"Come on Benny boy, have some faith!" Dan assured Ben cheerily, lightly punching him on the shoulder when the younger boy shot him a skeptical glance. Ben was playing guitar along with the band that Dan was in, a small and easily impressionable soft-faced boy in year 9 who in no doubt was probably coerced into this by Tyler Oakley. As Dan had expected, it was awkward as hell when he first started rehearsing with these random strangers in the band - it didn't help that when in Stanley, everyone else already knew each other beforehand - but luckily the bubbly and outgoing Ben had befriended Dan soon enough. Ben J. Pierce, he had first introduced himself as with a faint Texan accent, was three years younger than Dan and pretty with dark curls, dark eyes and nice as heck eyebrows. Dan bemused himself with the thought that Tyler had a type and liked pretty boys, but quickly stifled that train of thought when he realised he would probably fall into that category too. Like Dan, Ben didn't have many friends in Stanley, despite him having been in the school since the beginning in year 7. He explained that when they reached year 9, boys were allowed to change their allocated houses for once, and unsurprisingly many chose to leave the doomed (and frankly, quite inconveniently far) Stanley, most of his friends leaving him behind. Dan didn't pry, but was curious to know why did Ben decide to stay - after all, he didn't seem impartial to the house at all, seeing how pessimistic he was about their bleak outlook in competitions.

The line up was announced in the morning, dramatically arriving on a printed sheet that Tyler came running into the common room with, where a last minute rehearsal was underway at best disorganised efforts. Everyone groaned when they heard that they were going last - they were even hoping to go first (although that would've terrified Dan), at least that would've let them set the (impossibly low) standard. Chris, with his tie tied around his head ("they said wear your uniform, they didn't say how,") was properly hollering, amongst the uproars in the room.

"Norbury is a new house! Why the hell are they going before us?" Someone informed Dan that the running order of the first competition was always according to the ranking of the houses last year - which made sense and explained a lot. He couldn't read the meek piece of paper from where he was in the room, but Dan could just about make out the bands of colours - red, yellow, green, purple, then blue. So the running order must be Churchill, Holmes, Turing, Norbury, then Stanley last. From what Dan had gathered over the weeks, Churchill was almost a sure winner by the end of every year, with the other houses pretty much level with each other, whilst Stanley almost exclusively run last, at least for as long as people like PJ could remember. It was a daunting thought to even hope to up the game from the other houses, or even shine through in and hold their own as the last act at all. Tyler could only reassure them that since they were the last, they would be memorable to the judges, his fear of Stanley being remembered for all the wrong reasons going unsaid. (There was an even darker time in Stanley house, when Tyler was still a young and unimportant boy in year 7, a pantomime had gone so wrong with inappropriate jokes and bananas thrown into the audience that they were cut short mid performance.)

Dan didn't think he had seen every possible person in this massive school, not until now - almost one thousand of them all crammed into the hall, shoving each other, settling on floors and ledges when chairs ran out, yelling uproars that were intelligible when all swarmed into one noise. It was chaotic and disorientating to say the least - Dan quickly lost all of his friends, even though he spotted some fellow blue-tied boys in the far corner of the room who he couldn't trek to, save for Phil who had been kind enough to not abandon Dan when on a quest to store his keyboard safely in backstage before it was their turn. Noting how panicked he was, Phil gently led Dan by the elbow to a good spot he promised to not be too crowded. The light but firm grip on his arm and the glimpse of the electric blue of Phil's sweater that pulled him through crowds were the things that grounded Dan and kept him from having the quasi panic attacks that he was so used to when in any inconvenient social situations. Despite Phil being the most apparently unfriendly of the corridor (unfriendly was a strong word - Phil was just void of any extra friendliness), he was quietly caring and wasn't actually that bothered about keeping an eye on Dan at all, always remembering to look out for Dan who could be lost in new situations like this. Dan wouldn't go that far to say they were close to heart, but simply based on the sheer amount of time they spend together, albeit in silence and maybe not exchanging life stories like Dan had initially wildly fantasised about, Phil could technically be his best friend in Chicheston so far. After all, Phil was his roommate - they were bound to be good friends with each other, like every other pair of roommates, certainly. Dan was glad that out of everyone, it had been his then imaginary friend who stepped into this position, guiding him along whenever he needed it.

As promised, Phil lead Dan up to the row of chairs at the corner of the balcony, where there were scarcely any seats left, but at least it wasn't suffocatingly packed. High up from there, the stage was in clear view, and they were conveniently situated right next to the steps that brought them here, so Dan need not to panic when it was his turn to try and navigate his way to backstage. 

The crowd cheered and roared, ready for the highly anticipated reigning champions to take the stage. The audience was already loud, in addition to the hall's admittedly crap audio system and how far they were from the stage, realistically Dan and Phil had not much chance of hearing any actual singing. As the boys in red took the stage, Phil especially scooted closer to Dan so he could commentate and explain whilst the show went on without it being lost to the noise around them. Dan could just about make out the backing track of Ed Sheeran's Shape of You playing through the speakers, squinting at what was supposed to be choreography and some actual singing happening on the stage. Not exactly a particularly impressive spectacle, Phil commented, explaining how Churchill was merely built on hype and reputation that had accumulated over the years, most of the members of the house more muscles than brain or talent. It was a cold remark, Dan noted, but Phil balanced it out by pointing out Caspar Lee, the frontman of the group (very noticeable with a sandy quiff and more importantly, his shirt unbuttoned all the way), who Dan didn't make much of except for being the typical attractive buff lad - Phil however thought there were admirable qualities in being a successful hype man, although Caspar was famously known to be an air head. Next to him was Joey Graceffa - the head of house, the man with the heavy responsibility of wearing the crown to lead the reigning winner house - Caspar was the spirit of Churchill, whilst Joey was the mind behind it all, Phil explained. Dan listened carefully into all this social analysis that Phil had shone light on, feeling like he should maybe jot notes. On a more serious note, he was just maybe slightly relieved that the winning house didn't seem as difficult competition as everyone made them out to be. Phil was right - most of this, in the end, was down to psychology and confidence.

Next up was Holmes - their song equally not shockingly amazing, although it was very cutely positive to match the overwhelmingly bright yellow decorations that they brought on stage with them. Again, Phil pointed out the key persons of the house on stage for Dan, muttering competitive house politics into Dan's ear - there was the head boy, Jim Chapman, who Dan had already heard about (Dan thought that he did look as posh as advertised by everyone, almost adorably out of place even in a school like this), and Dan was bewildered to spot a pair of dapper twins on stage. Jack and Finn Harries, Dan was told, although Jack was head of house and whilst you could barely tell them apart, once speaking to them it was obvious who was used to being in charge. Dan couldn't help but be slightly curious at Phil's omniscience of the social workings of the school - sure, maybe all these people were popular enough that most would know of them, but Phil had even named some of the people in the background, boys a few years junior to him in other houses that Phil would never had crossed paths with. Phil turned away, embarrassed.

"Well, I guess I do know a lot of people. Did know a lot of people. Back when AmazingPhil really kicked off on Youtube, a lot of people in school who I didn't know would come up to talk to me. Well obviously, the really popular ones just wanted to check out the competition or something, but I felt bad for always saying hi to strangers so I did try to learn a lot of names, so I could say hi back and stuff," Phil pressed his lips tightly once he was done explaining, shifting ever so slightly away from Dan at the uncomfortable topic of his Youtube channel that Dan hadn't dared to mention ever since that disastrous first confrontation between them. Dan nodded, not wanting to pry further, despite him already beginning to wordlessly theorise over all this new information that Phil would rarely feed him. 

Dan knew Phil was no small deal on Youtube, especially would've been when in this tight-knit community, but nonetheless he was quite impressed at Phil's popularity. It was also incredibly sweet of Phil to actively try to befriend his viewers (or fans, although that dynamic was slightly weird in between schoolmates), getting to know the people who followed him on a personal level. Dan could only imagine how lucky these little year 8 boys felt, their hearts being touched by The AmazingPhil, their own idol within school. But then Dan realised he was exactly in that position now - lucky enough as a fanatic to be blessed by Phil's friendly kindness, even getting to know him as a friend, kind of. It wasn't that Dan couldn't believe Phil being this school idol who oversaw everyone and knew everyone's names, actively engaging with them, but that person certainly was some distance away from the Phil Lester before him now - still benign and unthreatening, but closed off.

Phil diverted the conversation as Turing took the stage - Big Group of Asians, the team in green introduced themselves as, before the leading man dropped the mic. Dan was shocked, to say the least, at how unapologetically honest and almost uncomfortably racially aware that entrance was - although there was some truth to it. Turing as a house, as it seemed, did have a lot of East Asian members. Even back in Singapore, anyone who tried to acknowledge the fact that there were disparities between races, instead of adhering to the easier colourblind attitude of "we're all the same and equal", was always considered a taboo, and it was refreshing for Dan to see a change. Phil only laughed heartily at Dan's initial shock, clearly used to these antics, before both of them settled down since their attention was caught by the stage. The song itself was some weird EDM remix, not exactly the best for what essentially was a singalong competition, but the five obvious leaders of the house - BGA as they called themselves - were dancing to an impressive choreography that had everyone applauding and roaring. Phil watched in amazed wonder, whilst Dan smugly took over the chance to commentate - he recognised some of the moves, they were stolen off famous K-pop music videos that Dan used to have a fever for. As Dan listed off the K-pop boybands that he was reminded of - BTS, EXO and even the colossal Super Junior, Phil finally found his way back to coherency again, filling Dan in on who exactly these astonishing dancers were. 

The man who pulled the group together (as well as the entire house), the visual, if you may, the most striking amongst them, was the charismatic Ryan Higa, the head of Turing. Phil then named the rest of the five dancers, albeit with slight difficulty - David, Philip, Jun and Justin, although he really wasn't sure who's who - before exclaiming that it wasn't racism. He hastily explained that the boys of Turing were very mysterious people - self aware nerds who were nice and approachable, but didn't necessarily branch out of their safe ethnic circle except for the sociable comedy king, Ryan. Dan pulled a face at that - you could hardly blame them, it wasn't as if the white people of Singapore Harrow wasn't an exclusive clique. Dan cheered loudly as the performance came to an end - that was throughly enjoyable and he dared say, the first interesting competition he had witnessed so far. Phil agreed, although he did bet on how they might be marked down for focusing on spectacle instead of actually singing. It was one more act to go before the finale.

Norbury was evidently a new establishment, their numbers meek compared to the hundreds of people (literally) in the other houses, barely filling up the large stage. Dan watched intensely as they began - from what he had gathered through Ben's gossiping, apparently the new house was going to attempt an entirely a Capella number, ambitious but not impossible for them, Ben had described. As soon as the singing started Dan was moved to the core - he simply couldn't apprehend the sheer talent before him. It wasn't half arsed a Capella at all, so far it was already sounding like it was Britain's Got Talent worthy. Competition aside, he scanned the front row of the choir in awe, desperate to gage the boys in purple sashes, who had more talent in their little finger alone than Dan could fathom. Phil took it as his cue to keep Dan informed: the blond in the middle was Scott Hoying, who stepped up to be the head of the new house; next to him was the soprano and his best friend, Mitch - both of them were famously known for not getting along with the Churchill boys before they left the slightly obnoxious house altogether. Jon Cozart and Thomas Sanders, both who were in their year, had moved from Holmes. Bold choice, Phil remarked, but Norbury did have a music culture going on strong which was attractive to some. Sam Tsui was from Turing, and before Phil could reveal about the last of the five lead singers, Dan beat him to it.

"Let me guess, is this one from Stanley?" Dan inquired as he turned a sharp eye to the skinny brunet at the end of the row, remembering Ben mentioning one of his friends (who low key turned on him to move houses, Ben added bitterly) being the main asset of the new house, apparently having a voice of angels. Ben dramatically named him his greatest musical enemy.

"Yeah, good guess. That's Troye, who left us when he got to year 9 this year. It's really not that deep, loads of people leave Stanley at year 9 anyway," Phil stated, trying not to be the slightest bit bitter about how most the faces he spotted on stage were ex-Stanley boys who had abandoned ship. 

"If Troye didn't move houses, you would never be crowned the new pretty face at all. Connor was no real threat compared to that boy, obviously," Dan felt a jab through his heart at Phil's offhanded comment, which was probably the truth. He took a good hard look at Troye on stage, whose big blue eyes were barely visible at this distance - there was no doubt that Troye had an angel's face to match his singing voice. Dan never took his honour of being considered somewhat attractive to heart, but somehow, hearing Phil Lester, someone who he looked up to so much, dismiss it so casually, made Dan's chest pang in pain of confusing emotions. It would be weird anyway, Dan comforted himself, if his roommate were to coo him like the creepy guys in the year above.

"Well Tyler obviously has a type then. I wonder how did Troye hold up to Connor Franta's drama," Dan joked lightheartedly, attempting to distract himself from the self conscious hurt he had just experienced. Phil didn't react as if it was a joke of poor taste, but he didn't laugh either, and Dan cursed himself for saying weird things and insinuating people's sexualities once again.

"Tyler does have a type, I think," Phil smiled neutrally, but continued on in seriousness, "Troye was very under the radar, he was sneaky, you see, and Tyler was Tyler, unsuspicious as usual. They were very under the radar, right under everyone's and even Connor's noses... but it's nothing now, I guess," Phil stated, as cryptic as it could get. Dan's head was spinning from all the connotations that Phil had just provided his imagination with. If what he suspected was right, Phil must be implying that Tyler and Troye were together, indefinitely, for some period of time. Dan wasn't all that shocked at the revelation, really - Tyler Oakley, a bubbly magnetic force of nature paired with this dark yet doe-eyed talent didn't seem that odd of a match. Dan watched Troye closely again, now with this new concept.

"No one really noticed, but it was obvious to me. I could tell. I know exactly what to look for, they're painfully obvious when you do. I know what it's like to try and slip under the radar," Phil was rambling now, his words catching on with Dan, although Dan had no chance in deciphering them. Maybe Phil meant his attempt to pull away from his Youtube popularity, to "slip under the radar" as he said, but it didn't make much sense to Dan. Dan could only hope that this wasn't a key clue to figuring out Phil's mysterious attitude towards his sometimes resentful, sometimes rueful Youtube career.

"Anyway I think you fit into the category of Tyler's type too, don't you think so, pretty boy," and Phil was uncharacteristically being annoying again, probably to distract from that curious outburst earlier. Dan rolled his eyes, although the idea was stuck to the back of his mind: Phil wasn't wrong, Tyler did seem to have a liking for lanky white boys with dark curly hair, they could both see a pattern. Dan's hair wasn't entirely back to its natural curls yet, although he had been abandoning the straightener more and more as of late (thanks to the damn helmet), him slowly accepting that he would just to have to live with his true form. Dan backtracked at the idea and wondered if he should start putting an effort to straighten his fringe again, but quickly agonised over whether it was homophobic of him to actively avoid Tyler's attention. After all, he didn't really minded Tyler that much and this train of thought all seemed a bit extra.

Fortunately and unfortunately, Phil yanked Dan out of his dilemma misery and into motion down the stairs - it was almost time for their performance. The nerves barely had time to kick in before Dan was shoved around, hastily pushed to backstage, and before he knew it, they were behind the curtains. Seconds before they deliver the finale of the day. People cheered, more people booed and laughed maliciously, before Ben nudged Dan onto the stage, following behind with his guitar. 

The audience's reaction began to pick up as soon as they recognised the intro that the band played - even if most of them would fail to remember the title of the song, these were the kind of songs that everyone knew the words to. Dan smiled bravely at the not too terrible first response, before the herd of Stanley boys broke into song in noisy unison.

"IMAGINE ME AND YOU, I DO, I THINK ABOUT YOU DAY AND NIGHT..." the crowd began to grow more lively as people sang along, albeit the wrong words, to the song that they all somehow know despite not remembering from where or when. The band grinned at each other eagerly, skipping onto the chorus after one verse as they rehearsed.

"I CAN SEE ME LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU, FOR ALL MY LIFE!" by the time they reached the chorus, the audience was wild, having a good time of their own and yelling the lyrics. It didn't matter if they paid attention to the actual performance or not, Stanley's tactic only aimed to create a lit atmosphere, and it clearly worked. Tyler was beaming at the front as he marched in part of the ad hoc choreography.

"Da la da la da la la la la, da la da la da... I LOVE YOU BA - BY, AND IF IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, I NEED YOU BABY..." Duncan was right, there were always several old, sometimes lame bangers that white people could always get turnt on, quote unquote. Although for this particular song of the medley, they had made some creative tweaks to the original, Ben improvising and working off the version that Phil had suggested: his favourite band, Muse's cover of the song. As soon as the the band heard it, whilst still at the early stages of rehearsal, everyone's eyes lit up - it was now Dan's favourite version of the song. For the weeks leading up to this, Dan played it all the time in their room, playing air keyboards and guitars to it, until even Phil couldn't stand him anymore.

The third and last song of their three minute slot, of course, had to be YMCA. Dan would've cringed, but everyone was obviously having a good time, on and off stage, making letter shapes with their arms, so he let the thrill carry him away. It was over before he knew it, and as Stanley stood with baited breath, they were met with genuine cheers from the uproar below. Stanley had seemed to resurrect from the dead, and this was only the beginning. Tyler made his last bow with a flourish, cheering along, before leading everyone to run off the stage. Now they wait for the results.

Stanley finished second for their first competition of the year, behind Norbury and closely followed by Turing. Obviously, Norbury's singing talents couldn't be matched, but the not so authoritative judges had declared Stanley's "audience participation" commendable, whilst Turing had veered off singing slightly, despite being amazing. As it was announced, Tyler ran up from the midst of the crowds to collect their plastic trophy, as well as the real prize - a big tin of Celebration chocolates to be devoured amongst the people of Stanley. 

Dan, now reunited with his friends after the show, was surrounded by shrills and cheers - and a hug out of ecstasy from Phil. Dan hugged back easily, jumping up and down with his roommate in the contagious giddiness, although the sentiment of not being losers for once not really hitting Dan the newcomer. He was just happy and embracing his good friend, that was all. It was with delayed realisation that Dan noticed it was his first hug from Phil (the AmazingPhil! His mind unhelpfully supplied), the first time Phil really outwardly showed any affection towards him with intent. They had been this close before, when Phil had to save Dan from the car running into him, but otherwise, Phil had always been at a cold and friendly distance, as far as Dan was painfully aware. Surprisingly, Phil was a good hugger - there was no awkward gap between their chests, his arms circling Dan's torso tightly and Phil not particularly pulling away prematurely before Dan did himself. It felt like Dan was actually someone close to Phil. Dan grinned from ear to ear, although with more reason than just pure joy and patriotism to their house like his corridor mates. Maybe, with Stanley's doomed fate slowly turning around, Phil Lester was thawed slowly and surely too. Dan felt like he was part of something new and very, very important.

When the day was finally over, and they were treading back to the house, Dan was still slightly high on adrenaline, skipping along and humming the tunes from the day to himself. Dan would've never thought that getting involved, being a part of something bigger than yourself could ever be such an amazing and fulfilling experience. He was happy that they didn't lose, after all, despite Ben's pessimism. In the evening victory speeches were made and the chocolates were distributed - by the time Dan and Phil finally returned to their rooms to rid themselves of uniform, it was already after supper. Dan opened his laptop once he settled into his swivel chair, before smiling brightly at the screen at what he discovered, turning his laptop around to show Phil, who was loosening his tie.

"One more time?" Dan asked, sickly sweet, and Phil only groaned defeatedly in response, pointedly ignoring Dan but not denying him either. Dan let out a satisfied hum.

Can't Take My Eyes Off You by Muse started blasting in the room again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the three songs were happy together, can't take my eyes off you and obviously ymca if i wasn't being clear! this could be a bit of boring world building and shoving in more and more characters but i love all of my two dimensional babies equally so they all had to make the cut sorry


	7. roadtrip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The corridor squad goes to Reading Festival during half term, and sleeps over at Dan's childhood home.

"I can't believe it's basically half term, thank god!" Chris exclaimed loudly at their dinner table, happily munching on the unusual Wednesday sweet potato chips. It was their sixth week since the term started, and only a few days before the weekend came and their holiday began - Dan couldn't believe it either. He had slipped into a routine so easily, now even memorising the weekly menus unconsciously without him realising. Just over a month of being in a new school, a new country and trying to make friends with people who he saw 24/7 had been exciting but also overwhelming, and Dan couldn't wait for his well deserved break, especially from school. He might even Skype his dad over the two-week-long holiday if he was in a particularly good mood - they hadn't been speaking much except for texting.

"So what are everyone's plans for half term?" PJ asked. PJ lived the nearest out of their corridor, his house only an hour's drive away, so logically was the one who almost never stayed in house during holidays, even week long half terms. Most of their friendship group were going home and not doing much, as it seemed, including Phil who had a six hour journey ahead of him. Dan was astonished - he knew Phil was from the North: but a bus, and then a train, and then an hour's drive sounded so far away. The attention was turned to Dan then - Duncan's staying with the British side of his family, so he wasn't flying all the way back to Japan, and everyone wondered if Dan was going for the distance to Asia instead.

"Uh, my grandma lives somewhere just out of Reading, so I'll probably stay at her's," Dan said meekly, and everyone cooed. Phil looked at Dan incredulously.

"I didn't know your grandma was in the country... actually, I don't know much about your family at all!" Phil stated, pensive, and Dan couldn't help but get slightly startled from the unusual attention. Phil hardly ever took any interest in Dan's personal life, not because he was self absorbed or rude, but naturally Phil just avoided conversation of any weight if not necessary. Dan realised that he was an expert on all things surrounding Phil Lester (well, most things that he could get his hands on anyway), yet Phil knew next to nothing about him, except that Dan watched AmazingPhil, religiously (okay maybe Phil didn't know the extent of his obsession either). Phil felt just a little bit guilty for not getting to know his roommate at all, even though they were already half way through the term.

"Oh my god, speaking of Reading. I was actually thinking of going to Reading. As in, Reading festival. Who's in?" PJ announced enthusiastically, but most of the table only blanked him in return. Reading festival was one of the, if not the most popular music festival in the country, and surely it would be impossible to get tickets merely a week before - people usually got them in a year's advance. It sounded like an amazing idea, but obviously it wasn't happening.

"My uncle has a handful of spare tickets!" PJ supplied helpfully, stirring his friends on. PJ's mysterious uncle (who some of them still thought was made up) was apparently a talent manager and produced records, being in charge of some not very impressive up and coming small grime artists. Any how, everyone started getting excited at the prospect of maybe actually getting to go to Reading - save for Duncan who rejected the offer, claiming that large events stressed him out. Dan wasn't entirely sure, but he supposed he wasn't opposed to the idea either: he had no idea what to expect of these music festivals, and would quite like to find out more.

"Panic! At the Disco is headlining on Saturday! Of course we're coming," Jack and Dean cried in unison, grabbing onto each other's arms furiously in excitement. They were mad for Panic - apparently they became friends because of the band some years ago, and Dan could testify that their room was nothing short of a shrine to pop rock and most especially, their lord and saviour Brendon Urie. Dan perked up at that information - he was almost just as bad as them, and although Phil would deny it, he would come too, solely for seeing Panic live.

"And Fall Out Boy. I was thinking, if you guys stay in house after we break for half term, I can come pick all five of you up in my van and drive us up to Reading on Thursday or something?" PJ suggested, thinking on the spot and eager to make their plan into a reality. There were so many logistic questions and organisation to be done, and PJ was always a worrier when it came to making plans.

"I don't know if we can camp there or not, and we can't really sleep in my van so... Dan would it be okay if we all stayed at your grandma's for the weekend?" Dan was immediately put on the spot by a roundtable of hopeful puppy eyes staring back at him, so he couldn't muster up any excuse except for promising that he would ask. The plan didn't sound like there was an exit clause - it wasn't like Dan had any real objections to inviting all his friends to his childhood home, now big and vacant except for his grandma still living there, but he wasn't used to having close enough friends for this to happen so it was slightly daunting. Surely Nan wouldn't mind, she might even be happy for once that Dan actually had any friends. Despite their infrequent phone calls, Dan's closest family member perhaps was his nan, the one who really raised him as a child between his absent mother and helpless father. His dad perhaps wasn't very good at parenting after his mum left them, bless the man, but at least he did a good job of leaving Dan in his grandma's care, up until they had moved away from Britain.

"...Yeah, would that be alright? Of course nan! Hahahah... Yeah okay goodnight, see you soon, love ya," Dan paced around the room as he spoke, slightly self conscious, although his joy was barely hidden through his eye-crinkling laughs and warm whispers through the phone. The three hours after supper were always designated prep (a fancy word for homework? Dan still hadn't managed the proper lingo) time, leaving the house in a supposed noise free lockdown. Although they were sixth formers who had a lot of freedom anyway, Dan was cautious enough not to chatter loudly to his grandma on the phone. 

Phil had been rolling around distractedly on his wheely desk chair, clearly procrastinating since the end was near and they hadn't been set any work for before half term began - and subtly prying on his roommate's conversation. Despite holding a private life himself, Phil couldn't help but be a bit intrigued - after all, Dan had moved here from Singapore, allegedly with divorced parents (it wasn't really spoken of so far, and everyone had been too polite to ask), and presumably had family all over the globe. Dan probably had an interesting story to tell of his background, like some people in school, unlike their boring homegrown British friends (which included Phil). Dan was used to calling his family in private too - usually during his rare free periods, roaming the school grounds when dialling the number to his childhood home. His nan didn't have a cellphone, but thankfully she didn't do much except stay at home and watch TV or read all day. It wasn't that Dan was uncomfortable around Phil, jumpy even (who was he kidding, he was totally still tiptoeing around Phil, too shy to even be seen topless that he had started wearing pyjamas to bed), but the thought of Phil being in the background whilst he childishly babbled about everything and nothing to his grandma was too awkward of a concept to entertain, at least not until now when Dan was pressed for time and had a massive favour to ask. 

Obviously she had agreed, gleeful that Dan had made good friends so quickly and not even the slightest concerned about five possibly rowdy teenagers invading her house. Dan slightly dreaded the encounter between his elderly grandmother and his likeable, but sometimes overwhelming corridor mates, but was mostly excited for their plans.

"She said yes," Dan chuckled awkwardly after he hung up, forced to say something since he caught Phil watching him, almost expectantly. Phil hummed quietly in celebration, and Dan deemed the conversation over, but Phil didn't make a move to turn back away, still holding uncomfortable eye contact. Dan gulped.

"So... is most of your family in Reading then? Except for your dad... who is still living in Singapore?" Phil asked tentatively, gathering as much as he could from deductions and previous conversations. Dan was pleasantly surprised at Phil's sudden interest in him, more than happy to explain how his entire family was from a village close to Reading - his dad's parents included, although after the divorce his mother moved away to be with another man somewhere nearer to Oxford instead (Dan hadn't really cared enough to find out more), before his dad brought Dan with him to Asia. Dan was fond whenever mentioning his early days with his grandma and his late grandpa, and even the chaotic time when him and his dad first settled in the strange continent. Although Phil was upset to hear about the bitter stories about Dan's mum, Dan realised that he was slowly making his peace with that part of his past. Dan was less restless now, he supposed - he was slipping into a routine of a life of his own, far away enough from his dad to not hold a strained relationship, and he even got to look forward to seeing his grandmother again, his slightly neglected childhood only a distant memory. Phil smiled when Dan overshared his thoughts out loud, glad that Dan was willing to open up to him even though Phil himself was close to hostile at first. Phil couldn't help but feel slightly guilty about his initial attitude towards his new roommate; he really should have cut Dan some slack.

"By the way, when you talk to your grandma your posh accent really comes out, it's cute," Phil mentioned offhandedly, earning Dan a blotchy blush on his cheeks. Dan spluttered - so many outrageously flirty comments thrown at him every now and then around the house, and somehow he was startled by Phil Lester's simple "cute". Perhaps Dan could never get over the fact that he idolised his current roommate - still did, to be perfectly honest.

"I... I love your accent too... it's so... Northern?" Dan returned the compliment lamely, although it wasn't half a lie. Lancashire, Phil helpfully supplied with a chuckle, before returning to the dog vines on his laptop.

Staying in house after most of the locals have left was weirdly liberating - Dan wasn't used to the house being so quiet and empty, but enjoyed having more space to himself and more of the people he actually knew. The uneventful days of sleeping in till noon and occasionally going to Starbucks in town to pass the time flew past quickly - Phil was still intent on procrastinating the holiday work as it seemed, even going out of his way with excuses like washing the bike that was no longer his. Dan let him be - evidently Phil really loved that bicycle.

On Thursday PJ finally returned to Stanley - in new, warmer clothes that Dan hadn't seen from his wardrobe before, no doubt packed from his brief trip home - and with his glorified "van" that was more of a six seater car. They didn't pack into the car until after lunch was finished, determined that they eat as much free food as they could instead of buying meals on the road (it was paid for, not free, Jack deadpanned). Dan fully expected his five friends to expect being fed by his nan, sighing to himself. It wasn't like he could ask them to pay back for groceries anyway.

Once they were all strapped in and PJ eventually drove them out of the cobblestone streets of their little town, the sea slowly disappearing behind them, Dan realised, rather excitedly, that this would be the first time in a long time that he actually got to see the country. Chris sat at the front with PJ, and Dan and Phil, despite being the tallest and lankiest of them all, were bullied into cramming into the last row, behind Jack and Dean. They couldn't help it - Dan was still eager to please as the new boy, and would hardly ever say no, and Phil was always too quiet to form an opinion or protest. At least they could all agree on Jack putting on Too Good To Die, Too Weird to Live on the stereo, settling down once they hit the highway.

"Hey guys, we're heading to Reading Festival today! PJ's driving," Dan was surprised to catch Phil swiftly pulling out his phone, right before Dan dozed off, apparently starting to vlog. Dan tried not to overreact - this was an emotional moment for him: not only because he finally got to witness the magic behind the scenes, but also, not so long ago, he was convinced that Phil was going to quit Youtube for good. Phil's Youtube voice was just ever so slightly higher pitched and intonated than him in real life. Although he appeared unsure and rusty at the first greeting, Phil easily slipped into his articulate, albeit whispering (Jack and Chris had fallen asleep) narration, as if vlogging was his second nature. Dan, despite cringing inside, smiled curtly when the camera caught a glimpse of him. He shouldn't let his vanity come into the way of AmazingPhil's great comeback.

"PJ sure is driving," PJ announced cheerily, glancing back through the mirror, a big smile on his face. PJ was glad that Phil had picked his vlogging back up, although didn't make a fuss out of it and let him get on. No one dared to question Phil's sudden change of heart, playing along as if Phil had always done this as a ritual and it was hardly surprising. Although Dan, who had never been blessed to be part of his long idolised bubble, was dying inside. After Phil put away the camera, Dan opted to attempt napping then, deciding that ignorance was bliss and Phil would hopefully not film him when he was a dead pile of limbs in the boot of the car.

When they were woken up for a pit stop at a service station, Dan groggily opened his eyes to find Phil Lester smushed against him from shoulder to knee, neck stretching with his head flopped to the other side painfully, fringe and mouth askew quite unattractively. Dan was initially flustered to find another body touching so much against his, but quickly found the humour in Phil's dishevelled appearance. PJ was filling up the tank, Chris off to raid the snack shelves whilst Dean went for a quick wee - unless Dan really wanted to, he couldn't exactly climb past Jack's sleeping form to escape the vehicle. Dan debated waking Phil up, but PJ gently stopped him, explaining that Phil had terrible carsickness and it was better to leave him fast asleep.

Dan crept away to his corner then (still not very far away from Phil considering how they were relatively giants in this small space), chuckling softly to himself as he considered his idol before him, sprawled out and unconscious. Dan supposed he should find Phil uglily funny - hair flopping away from his forehead, mouth threatening to fall wide open, figure crooked awkwardly - but somehow Dan couldn't help but fixate on the pale expanse of Phil's neck stretched before him, some cheeky collarbone even on display given how his shirt had tugged, along with his limbs. Dan was flustered by being flustered - he had seen far more of Phil Lester than this little slither of skin (he really had, Phil was never particularly shy, despite always returning from a shower in no less than three towels), yet Dan couldn't pull his eyes away, or fight the urge to brush Phil's fringe back in place. Better pull himself together before anyone noticed how he had reverted back to a creepy fanboy, Dan reprimanded himself. After all, they weren't in the privacy of their own room where Dan could ogle all he wanted.

The journey was under three hours, putting them in Dan's very, very old living room just before dinnertime. They were all welcomed with a bone-crushing hug and was soon acquainted with both Dan's nan and the fluffy dog, Colin. Dan was told off for almost being more excited to see Colin than his actual grandmother - who then proceeded to spoil and feed all of them Dan's favourite homemade Yorkshire pudding anyway. There were a lot of rooms in the Howell family home, but some of the boys still had to share, and Dan laughed so hard at Jack and Dean's horror at having to share one bed (reasonably it was a massive bed) that Colin jumped at the noise. It was nice to be back home, despite it now mostly empty and more like a guesthouse for Dan's big sleepover party. The warmth hit Dan from within - he felt less lost in the world now, somehow.

They were pumped when morning came, on the short drive to the actual festival. Most hadn't been to one, especially not Dan, and even if PJ had been to BBC Big Weekend before, nothing really beats Reading. Dan even subtly made an effort to dress up, in black dungarees that he felt was rather cute with an arguably skimpy white top - Phil had laughed that Dan the fake Asian would get cold very, very soon in that thin fabric. The only flaw in the outfit had been the ugly green Welly boots that Dan had found in the shed, although he didn't fight it since everyone stressed that it was British festivals survival essential. Phil himself was equipped with galaxy printed ones against the muddy fields.

Later than they would have liked, eventually they got through queues, bag checks, and claimed their wristbands. There was nothing much to entertain each other with when attempting to save batteries on phones, save for Phil pulling out his old and cheap videocamera to vlog enthusiastically, as if he never took a break from the Youtube life at all. After all, the excitement of being at Reading festival had gotten through to Phil too. Dan, honoured (and incredibly flustered), was introduced to the camera, although Phil had emphasised afterwards (when the filming was done) that nothing Dan wasn't comfortable sharing had to go on the internet. Dan of course couldn't care any less: the starstruck feelings had returned in their full intensities once the AmazingPhil was in the picture again. Phil could sense it too, grateful that Dan didn't materialise any of his internal squealing out loud. This was overwhelming for Phil as it was, braving it out again.

Once they got in, the boys realised that it wasn't all high school movies and confetti: the main stage was so crowded and chaotic, it seemed an impossible task to ever edge close enough to get a glimpse of anything. However the promise of Brendon Urie being on stage soon and the hope being stirred on by the growing cheers gave Jack enough courage to lead the way into the crowd. They followed, pushing around and navigated the crowd with difficulty, slowly but surely getting closer to the stage. At one point, Dan was almost terrified that he would lose his friends and never find them again, despite having the advantage of being slightly taller, but thankfully Phil, pushing along before him, dragged Dan along by his wrist so he wouldn't get lost in the crowd. Phil didn't let Dan go until they finally settled on an emptier spot, good enough to see Panic just starting their set. Dan clumsily nodded his thanks for being dragged along.

Dan believed that this was the best time of his life, coming of age film cliches be damned. 

The bands they all loved were amazing live - loud, enjoyable music and a lot of people who also loved that music was always the key to happiness. They were dancing (hopping up and down to the rhythm, more like, considering the lack of space on the field), yelling lyrics to each other, and Dan himself was beaming with eyes crinkled, straight into Phil's occasional camera recordings. Jack and Dean, in short, lost their shit over Brendon Urie, which made the day even more hilarious. It was like a scene out of a modern day teenage fairytale, except for the occasional stranger spilling drinks or feedbacks from the mics.

When the acts switched out to the artists that they didn't really know, and Chris eventually got tired of screaming and flailing around maniacally, they waded out of the crowd to hang out on the fields as the sun began to set. At one point someone arrived with a six pack of cider that appeared out of nowhere, and then they were all pleasantly tipsy (save for PJ the poor sober driver), swaying and singing along to the jumble of songs that drifted from the stages. Dan discovered that when tipsy, his social skills suddenly increased exponentially, talking to strangers and joining in on random banter with ease. Somehow Phil found blue glitter on his cheeks, to match his T-shirt and his eyes, after blessed by some friendly strange femme man who was fairy godmother for the day. Phil giggled as he played air guitar with Dan at a distant Muse tune playing somewhere, eyes crinkling and tongue poking out slightly in a laugh again. Dan's eyes were fixed on the sight as he gravitated closer, nose almost touching Phil's: he thought of nothing other than how incredibly pretty and breathtaking the scene before him was, Phil glimmering in the afternoon sun without a care in the world, and quickly stole Phil's videocamera to record a short clip. Dan hoped that the footage wasn't too blurry. He wanted to remember this moment forever, even if it never saw the light of day on a Youtube channel.

Finally, everyone got tired and cold in the autumn night wind (especially Dan, in what Chris called a "hoe shirt"), so ruefully PJ had to drive everyone back home (to Dan's, obviously). More than half of the vehicle completely passed out from the exhaustion of the day immediately, and only stayed away for a short snack for dinner. Dan could only wish that the best time of his life didn't end so soon. Thankfully, they still had another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i know i fucc up!!
> 
> 1) sorry for some reason i always thought reading was in october! oh well it's too late now. also i've never been so i'm making everything up
> 
> 2) don't ask me why pj can drive. i know uk driving age is 16 but he shouldn't have a license and probably shouldn't be on highways but ho hey maybe pj's older than the rest i don't know
> 
> 3) dan and phil's home locations are vague af. i tried. i'm not a brit
> 
> 4) cheeky booze? okay it's not really illegal you can drink at 16 they probably shouldn't be able to get hold of some but hey it's a festival they're rich white bois you should be grateful they don't do drugs -don't do drug kids-


	8. homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AmazingPhil finally makes a comeback, and Dan is a giddy fan boy again.

"Daniel's really grown out of his shell ever since he started going to this school and met you boys," Granny Carol commented with a warm smile, after a curt silence between her and PJ in the otherwise empty living room. PJ smiled back. He remembered how timid Dan had been when they first met - nodding along, trying hard to impress, and ended up being the lovable mascot of the house anyway. PJ was glad that they were a force of good in Dan's life - Dan had added to their friendship group as well, despite mostly being the butt of the joke.

It was finally time for them to leave Reading - the two days flew past within the blink of an eye and Sunday morning arrived before anyone noticed. PJ was up early, when the sun was still barely up and shining into most of the living room at a low angle, and busied himself with packing things into the car as Carol made breakfast. It seemed that Dan's nan had taken a liking to the boys in Dan's corridor, and likewise - although everyone was eager to go home now, reminded of the long missed familiarity and warmth that were waiting for them. After breakfast PJ would drive everyone to Reading station on their separate ways home, except for Chris who he was giving a ride back down South. And Dan was already home, of course.

It was hardly a teary goodbye - they were going back to school in a week again, after all, and some were actually fed up with the lack of personal time after a long half term at school. Dan wasn't sure how he felt - he discovered that being at home didn't make him anymore less uncomfortable than when in dorms. Despite Dan being back in the house that he had grown up in, he was now a teenage-almost adult, in the vacant shell of a home by himself, trying to connect with his lovely grandmother and the life he thought he had. He was home, but he had yet to adapt. This transitionary period of having Dan's corridor mates, the familiarity that he had built for himself first once he stepped off the plane, for all five of them to invade Dan's home, was weird but helpful in some ways. Phil surprisingly emphasised with Dan's ramblings, listening intently whilst packing his bag in the corner. This was the first time he would be home without his older brother Martin around, Phil explained - he would be glad to be home, but it would be weird with Martin off to uni now. Dan stored that little trivia about Phil Lester along with the others at the back of his brain.

The house was painfully quiet once everyone was gone - Dan's nan had left him to his own devices, leaving the house for some fresh air and to tend to her garden. Dan figured that it was a freedom he should probably be grateful for, despite him possibly dying of boredom in between browsing the internet and failing to start his holiday work. Dan had forgotten how absolutely plain and quaint village life could be - although it wasn't that he ever felt at ease in the busy humdrum of exotic metropolitan life either. At least both settings could agree with having great wifi reception - the Howell house wasn't that backwards just yet, even though Carol was colossally behind on technology. One day Dan hoped to teach her to Skype him.

Eventually Dan had found a way to make peace with the old stone cottage, as an antsy teenager: it was nice to take life slow again, lounge around, and take Colin walking. Dan found that solitary time might even do him some good, give him space to breathe and process the whirlwind of a new life he taken on. But sooner or later, as Dan always did with a lack of better things to do when alone, he wandered back to the most familiar place of them all: youtube.com/amazingphil. Obviously, there wouldn't be anything Dan hadn't seen before - he lived with Phil, he would know if there was a halt to the unspoken hiatus - and yet, Dan missed some of the videos he used to love. In fact, he hadn't really visited the channel ever since moving into a room with Phil Lester himself - after all it was rare that he got time to devour the videos by himself without turning it into a massive awkward and admittedly creepy situation. It was like watching Phil in a new light now - knowing how his real voice was actually slightly deeper, his character equally unthreatening but just a tad bit playfully snarky, and he interacted ever the same with PJ, no matter on or off screen.

Carol had to be incredibly unobservant not to notice that she had met the boy Dan was obsessing over in his alternative internet television. After all, when it came to raising one sensitive soul (read: extremely secretive and keeps to himself) like Daniel Howell, as a parent - grandparent rather - one would have to keep a sharp eye and read between the lines just to get a glimpse of what was in that boy's head. Philip Lester, apparently.

"That's your roommate right! Oh wow, is he famous?" She chuckled as Dan turned beetroot red, stammering and trying not to dig himself a deeper hole. To his nan who barely touched the internet, this probably appeared entirely bizarre and more or less creepy. He was spending his free time away from school watching videos of his roommate pretending to converse to the camera. Dan explained that just exactly how famous Phil was - just under 2000 subscribers, half of them probably just their entire school's population - and no, Dan wasn't doing this because Phil was his roommate, he had been doing this for years. In hindsight Dan wasn't sure which was worse - him missing his roommate who he had last seen approximately two days ago or him missing his routine entertainment. It was clear that Carol was puzzled, but Dan looked happy, so she let him be, nodding distractedly and pretending she wasn't confused.

"Well I must say he is a very polite young chap, and apparently cuter as he grew older! Didn't really notice he is a ginger boy hmm," Dan slammed his laptop to avoid further humiliation, steering his nan's sight away from prying on the nostalgic video on screen. Carol hummed and walked away with the laundry, deciding to put Dan's embarrassment to rest. She was glad that Dan finally made friends that he deserved - she was hardly oblivious, the number of kids she hosted the weekend before was probably more than all of the friends Dan had ever introduced to her through the phone over his years in Asia, combined. To think of it, Carol was pretty sure she didn't knew of Dan having any friends except for that one girl who picked up the phone once (Louise was cheerful and loud and very entertaining). She knew Dan had it hard - as a child he was sweet and without a care in the world, but was always slightly different from the other kids and never fitted in. It seemed that Dan finally could take care of himself, at least was starting to. Carol couldn't be more proud.

The day before Dan was due to go back to house, a miracle happened. AmazingPhil, after four months of inactivity, posted a new video. Dan should've seen it coming - after all, he was there when Phil was filming their whole weekend. But Dan was scared to get his hopes up, so much that he had almost forgotten it was still a possibility. He almost could have lived with never seeing another AmazingPhil video again. Almost.

Dan had missed this feeling - the giddiness as you prepared to be amazed (no pun intended) after anticipating for so long, his fingers buzzing as he clicked on the play button and prayed for the video to load all the way through. He remembered always feeling empty once he finally finished watching a new video for the first time, and yet, he could never wait to draw out the anticipation any longer. And now, Dan finally got to relive that moment again.

"Hey guys! We're heading to Reading Festival today! PJ's driving," the starting scene was familiar and surreal to watch, Dan having been there first hand. PJ cheered in the background. It was weird, Dan thought, now that Phil's vlogs would no longer be a glimpse as an outsider and instead a memento for himself too. Dan felt like he was in on a secret that he didn't even know he wanted to be in on for a very long time.

"So PJ and Chris are here, Jack and Dean also - going wherever Brendon Urie went, and oh, this is Dan, he's new," Phil turned the camera around the crowded vehicle, documenting most of his friends' unguarded, unattractive sleeping faces during the journey. Dan cringed at the camera being turned to his drooling napping form in the corner of the van.

"Oh by the way guys this is Dan, my new roommate! Dan, introduce yourself," the editing jumped to the footage from the day after suddenly - it was one of Phil's predictable habits. Dan was standing in the queue with windswept (slightly curly) hair, laughing nervously. At least his see-through-shirt-and-black-dungarees outfit did prove to look cute on screen - Dan was also glad that Phil was taller than him and so unusually caught him in a not too unflattering angle that would often render Dan to a potato.

"Hello internet! My name is Dan and I'm Phil's new roommate... uh fun fact I'm from Singapore?" Dan found scrutinising himself from this perspective incredibly disturbing. He could only hope this wouldn't become an usual occurance on AmazingPhil. Phil turned the camera back onto himself, pitying Dan for being put on the spot and directing the attention back onto himself. The festival queue certainly looked way more glamourous and less boring than it actually was.

"Hey Dan, if you're from Singapore, why are you white?" Chris snickered in the background, followed by the camera shaking slightly due to Phil's own laughter, and a faint "piss off" coming from Dan in the corner of the screen.

"Disclaimer, I can't have Chris take credit for that, we've heard this joke before, it's old," PJ winked at the camera, obviously more used to cooperating with Phil's filming than the group of them obliviously bickering in the distance. Dan laughed: it was good to relive the fun they had.

The timeline was jumbled and once again they were back in Dan's childhood home, exploring the house and Colin did a trick on screen. Dan's nan made a cameo, waving at the camera innocently. As per tradition, Phil narrated everything he filmed, sometimes going off track and adding anecdotes as he rambled along. Dan realised that Phil had been very uncharacteristically quiet all month long - chattering to himself when the camera was on was as easy as breathing to Phil.

"I am, so excited," Phil's laughing to himself once they settled on a patch in front of the main stage.

They screamed, and the camera wavered slghtly. Panic! at the Disco just got on stage, the feedback was terrible and you couldn't really hear any music, covered by the cheering and hollering.

It seemed that Phil was having too much fun to document most of it, save for a short excerpt of Chris' dramatic lip snyc to I Write Sins Not Tragedies. The camera zoomed in and out to Chris' ridiculous face and Dan cackled out loud. They had a great time indeed.

"So, just now these strangers - some beautiful men in pink tutus, came up to us with a massive tub of glitter... well and this is what they did to me," Phil beamed at the camera, giggling with his tongue out, giddy but not obviously drunk ( Dan wouldn't be able to tell if he weren't there). Phil was referring to the light blue fairydust on his cheeks, of course - it made his cheekbones pop and complimented his eyes. Phil looked particularly cute at one frame, that Dan had to pause the video and savour the moment just a bit longer. He saw this in real life, lucky Dan.

"Oh no, the cider has hit Dean," Phil commentated cheekily, relatively sober to his wavering friend in frame. It was just so slightly cringey to watch - Dan somehow thought that if he returned to that state of intoxication to relive it he might even enjoy this part of the video.

The footage Dan filmed made the cut in the end - just a flash of Phil smiling goofily to the camera, eyes twinkling in unison to his glitter make up. Dan felt a pang of pride in his chest, and something else. It was a breathtaking sight, after all.

"I forgot to charge my phone last night! Today we saw Fall Out Boy... and I almost lost everyone! And I didn't have my phone right... thank god I'm so tall Dan spotted me soon," Phil's hair was dishevelled by the end of the second day, his fringe pushed up to a messy quiff.

"Bye PJ! Bye Chris... We're going home today," the camera panned to track Jack and Dean trudging behind Phil, the three of them hopping off PJ's car in front of Reading Station. This was the part that Dan missed: but it seemed that Phil's ride home was uneventful except for the guide dog on the train.

Once the video was over, sooner than Dan had hoped, Dan immediately watched it again. And watched it again after dinner. Just like any other time when Phil finally uploaded. Oh, it's Christmas.

"So... did you get a notification when I uploaded? Youtube's acting weird lately," Phil mentioned awkwardly, eyes still glued to his laptop screen and never making a move to break from his comfortable cross legged position on his bed to look at Dan. It was Sunday evening and everyone gradually populated the house again - Dan had just walked back into the room from a shower, in trackie bottoms and a half zipped up hoodie. The temperature was starting to drop but the radiators hadn't been turned on yet. Dan turned in shock to Phil's purposefully offhanded question - as much as Dan was dying to acknowledge AmazingPhil's comeback, he didn't expect Phil to bring it up at all, knowing Phil. Dan wanted to express just how much he loved the video, even without prompting, but he figured that this indirect question was as good as he would get from the reserved Phil.

"Yeah I did, it was a great video! What's wrong with Youtube now... it's the weird new function, isn't it," Dan glossed over his praises quickly, playing it cool and hoping he wouldn't scare Phil off so much as to close down the conversation entirely. Phil didn't seem fazed so far, still immersed in his laptop.

"Yeah, now you don't always get notified even if you're subscribed? It's the stupid bell thing..." Phil trailed off, clicking around in slight frustration. The thought of Phil engineering his channel's settings put Dan into an excitable mood. It was still so surreal to know that his roommate self made all the magic that was the videos that Dan was obsessed with.

"I've been away for too long, I almost can't keep up," Phil chuckled drily. Dan remained silent at that - the possibility (read: threat) of Phil leaving Youtube perhaps forever was very real just not so long ago and was no laughing matter to Dan at all.

"Uh... anything I can help with? I... I've actually been trying to figure out Youtube's new algorithms as well," Dan ruffled his damp curls gingerly when the conversation died abruptly, feeling incredibly stupid and imposing immediately afterwards. Maybe he should just climb up to bed and remove himself from the situation.

"Actually, yeah, there was something else... they keep trying to claim copyright from the songs playing in the background in Reading? I don't know how to get rid of it and not have them mute the video..." Phil was genuinely interested in Dan's offer, still furiously clicking around the video publishing page on his Youtube account. At that Dan approached Phil eagerly.

"Hey, I might actually know how to fix it," Dan claimed enthusiastically, leaning over the side of Phil's bed and attempting to get a glimpse of the screen. Phil perked up at that and shuffled over to give Dan a better view.

"Here, can you give it a try?" Phil nudged his laptop towards Dan, who stared at it blankly, unsure of what to do. Did Phil expect him to tinker with the laptop still in Phil's lap, or should Dan pick it up? Phil blinked in understanding, before patting the spot beside him, indicating Dan should settle on the bed next to him. Dan clumsily climbed up the awkward height of the bed (which sat on top of a chest of drawers), side burning under the expectant gaze next to him. Dan coughed and got to work, navigating around the page.

"Don't think you should 'file a dispute' until it's worst case scenario... here, let's try this instead," Dan clicked around in concentration, whilst Phil watched intently to learn the trick for himself, side pressing against Dan's. Dan, acutely aware of the contact, chewed on his lip nervously and tried hard to ignore it.

"There you go!" Dan announced cheerily, once the video was republished without any problems. That was maybe his greatest accomplishment to date, working on the AmazingPhil channel, Dan gloated to himself. Phil let out a small exclaim of awe - it seemed that Dan should not be underestimated just because he was hilariously (and slightly awkwardly) an avid fan of Phil's. Dan passed the laptop back to Phil. Phil caught it, setting it down on his lap, still curious about the magic Dan just did.

Phil's phone rang out of the blue. Out of instinct, Phil blindly reached for it - he had left it at the far end of his bed, buried in his duvet - and in the process, trapped Dan's body between himself and his phone. Phil remembered Dan was still pressed against his side after he had already went for his phone - Dan would just have to be awkwardly held back by the extend of Phil's body and an arm reaching before him to stifle Phil's phone. Phil grabbed his phone to check on the cause of the ringing quickly - it turned out to be a reminder he left for himself earlier to sign in, nothing important. Phil was going to drop his phone once he turned the alarm off and sit back up briskly, letting Dan free - but it was too late. Phil lost his balance and fell right into Dan's lap.

Dan froze as soon as Phil fell on him with a thud, heart running miles per second. Phil was close, way too close - radiating warmth and elbow jutting dangerously into Dan's inner thigh - Dan, flustered, had his arms free in the air but not quite sure what to do with them. Was Dan supposed help Phil up? Dan wasn't sure if he should touch Phil at all - most of Phil was already touching Dan right now and Dan probably couldn't handle any more.

Personal space bubble being broken aside, there was some other inexplicable reason that rendered Dan speechless and breathless. Phil turned to lock eyes with him, quickly mouthing an apology - "Just get up and leave already, for God's sake," Dan screamed to himself internally when he was met with Phil's mesmerising eyes that never failed to reduce Dan to putty. However when Phil finally climbed up and off Dan, Dan stupidly mourned the loss of body heat and somehow wish Phil hadn't left the compromising position sooner.

"Uh it's my reminder to go down and sign in... Have you signed in yet? Okay I'm going," Phil muttered weakly as he jumped off the bed and escaped the deafening silence in the room, leaving Dan still unresponsive on the bed. That made sense, Phil came back earlier than the house staff so he wouldn't have signed in when he arrived. As Dan slowly blinked his way back to awareness, he frowned at his surroundings and hastily left Phil's bed, before climbing the ladder to his own to avoid any awkward confrontation when his roommate returned.

Dan's heart was still threatening to burst out of his chest when he laid down on his own mattress. Just when he thought he had finally gotten over the initial starstruck of Phil Lester being his roommate, finally able to interact with Phil at ease, Dan was once again sent back to a spiral of being hyperaware and flustered, all because of this little incident. Dan couldn't process it - why did it make him so nervous? He thought he was fine with being close with Phil now - happy, of course, to have slightly cracked Phil's initially cold facade, but Dan was slipping into a comfortable stance in Phil's friendship. Dan rolled around in bed, frustrated. Maybe his giddy fan boy feelings all came back with AmazingPhil's uploading, that must be it. Dan really needed to get his act together and extinguish this tension in their dynamic, if he wanted the easy friendship with Phil still. Everything was going so well.


	9. reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan learns of the secret behind Phil's unpredictable and mystic character, and Louise reappears in Dan's life.

"Hey Dan, here you go!" PJ chirped as he marched into Dan and Phil's room, after a brisk knock. Dan beamed at PJ, turning in his chair to see that his neighbour had came with gifts. As October drew to a close it had been getting dark earlier than before, and Dan was on a hunt for bike lights - it seemed that Phil's paranoiac cycling safety awareness had rubbed off of him - so Dan wouldn't have to cycle in the dim sunset when he occasionally returned to house late. Thankfully PJ happened to have some: and had dutifully delivered them after Dan himself procrastinating the matter for long.

"Cheers PJ," Dan answered nicely, picking up the items to play with them, surprised at the back light's blinking options. If Dan was mildly disappointed that it hadn't been Phil entering the room, it couldn't be obvious - Dan knew it was unlikely to be Phil anyway. He hardly ever knocked - after all it was Phil's room as much as Dan's - and lately Phil had been occupied in staying after school in the art department. PJ knew as much, unsurprised by the lack of Phil in the room after a quick look around.

"Yeah it's no problem," PJ replied, but made no move to leave even though the conversation was obviously over, glancing around distractedly and hovering unsurely in the middle of the room.

"You've seen Phil's new video right? Pretty good stuff," PJ changed the topic abruptly. Dan nodded curtly, startled by the question. PJ knew that Dan watched Phil's videos, but that was the extent of it - Dan was weird enough as he was, without letting everyone know he was his roommate's biggest fan. PJ's face was blank, evidently holding back words that he was building up to.

"Uh, listen yeah, I know Phil seems happier than when he first started the year, and I'm pretty sure you're one of the reasons why he brightened up, but. But I'm just here to warn you, there's something all of us know but you don't, Dan," PJ said cryptically, and Dan was already shocked into seriousness before he could gloat over the fact that he had an impact on Phil.

"I usually don't feel like gossiping," PJ defended himself, despite the image of his public embarrassing of Dan early in the term saying otherwise, "but I feel like you have the right to know. Because Phil could always close himself off again and it's not fair on you or him or any of us if you don't know the whole picture." PJ sighed. Dan had no idea where this was going, but had a faint idea that he was getting close to some answers that he had been craving for ever since coming here. Dan wondered what was Phil's big dark secret.

"So, if you couldn't already tell, Phil used to be like, actually happy and popular. There was an accident. Well, Phil didn't get into an accident. Last year Phil had this roommate, Charlie - we weren't really friends with him - but him and Phil were really close. Like, closer than I am to Phil... anyway they were inseparable. But then at the start of summer, Charlie got into a nasty car crash when he was mountain biking. He made it, eventually, but there was some ... side effects: amnesia thing going on. He had totally forgotten the last two years of his life, including Phil, obviously," Dan gasped as he took in the dramatic happenings. Things like this never happened to real people, Dan always thought that they were only plot devices for sitcoms. He couldn't fathom anyone around him going through with it, much less Phil.

"You see, the thing is, understandably Charlie's mum pulled him out of school to somewhere else so he could start a new life without the amnesia stress right. But when the accident happened, Phil wasn't here in school, he was in Florida with his family. So Phil doesn't know... definitely not about the amnesia, and probably not about the car crash either. For he knows, Charlie left Chicheston suddenly without any explanation. When he kept trying to contact Charlie and got blanked afterwards, he was heartbroken. We didn't dare to tell him about the whole picture, so yeah, we've all kept this from Phil," PJ explained guiltily. Dan sunk into his chair, trying to process it all. If he were PJ and their friends, he wouldn't have known what was best either. It seemed that either way, Phil would get hurt. It wasn't fair on anyone involved, even on Phil's friends who had to bear this burden of hiding it from Phil.

"Anyway I had a point. My point is, now you know why Phil is so distant and cold sometimes. He probably feels betrayed and has trust issues now, so don't take it personally if Phil is ignoring you and stuff again I guess? You're doing great though, don't be too hard on yourself Dan. And you have us of course huh," PJ moved to pat Dan's shoulder condescendingly. Dan smiled, not sure what else to say, his mind too preoccupied. Dan wasn't sure what to make of all this, now that the burden was on him too.

"Thank you for telling me this PJ... and I'll keep it a secret from Phil as well, don't worry," they shared an awkward hug, deeming the heavy conversation over. PJ waved stiffly before stepping out of the room, leaving Dan in his thoughts by himself.

Dan felt a lot more sympathetic towards Phil now, to say the least. He couldn't begin to imagine how hard it was for one of his closest friends to forget him completely - putting himself in Phil's shoes, Dan wouldn't even take Phil forgetting him well, and they had only known each other for just over a month. Between processing this, and wary of getting close to new people, Dan could certainly see why Phil had purposefully kept him at a distance since day one. Nonetheless, what PJ had said flattered Dan - it seemed that Dan was doing something right to pry Phil out of his shell. Maybe Dan deserved to be warned, to be cautious and keep tiptoeing around Phil for Phil's sake. Dan learned that Phil was well loved and cared for by the people around him, and Dan could understand why - now Dan would have to join them too, to protect Phil from more harm's way.

Phil wasn't back in time for dinner again - it seemed to be the norm now, him always staying in the art department till late every other day of the week. Tonight, however, was different - Phil had texted Dan out of the blue to bring him supper in a takeout box and honestly, who was Dan to refuse. Phil was his idol first, and over-protected roommate second, of course Dan was going to cycle back to school at night to bring him dinner.

"Hey," Dan announced his presence softly as he peered past the art department's entrance, where it was dim and empty. In the middle of the room was Phil, sitting alone at a studio bench as he scribbled something into a sketchbook, tools and his laptop sprawled up before him. Phil nodded, to acknowledge Dan, but didn't pause his work as he continued to look down intensely. 

Dan took it as his cue to invite himself in and walk over to peer over Phil's shoulder. Phil was sculpting some clay figurines, based off the paper puppets he already had before him and, presumably, the sketches intelligible to Dan. The laptop had a sequence of photos of drawings and figurines lined up, like frames in a movie. From what Dan could gather, Phil was probably working on some sort of stop motion film. It was fascinating to watch Phil work.

"Hey, I remember this little guy," Dan pointed out the dinosaur character out of the stack of paper puppets excitedly. He had seen it before, in one of his favourite videos of Phil's - it was more experimental than the usual vlogs, a silly little story with animation and over the top special effects that were cool enough to blow Dan's mind at the time. To be fair, they still did, now that Dan knew how much work went behind Phil's videos. Phil stroked it fondly at the mention, before returning to his current piece.

"Yeah, it's mostly PJ's creation, back when we did it for fun. That's why I'm remodelling it now for my serious work, I can't just take credit for his work," Phil scribbled even more, brainstorming ideas as he went along. Dan's eyes followed eagerly, which made Phil chuckle nervously.

"Uh... my drawing skills are terrible, if I'm honest. That's why I'm trying to get by with all this video stuff, they're not very impressed with me actually," Phil laughed to himself ruefully. "I'd love to do something like digital media or film for A Level instead, but oh well, our school hasn't gone down hill enough for subjects like that yet right?"

Phil kept busying himself with the art, evidently not in a mood to stop right away, which gave Dan the liberty to sit down on an empty stool in the other corner of the table to entertain himself, not bothering Phil anymore. They sat in comfortable silence as Dan scrolled through his phone, another hand cradling the Tupperware, whilst Phil worked in silence.

Eventually, Phil decided that he was hungry enough, and got out of his seat to take the Tupperware from Dan. Dan had expected Phil to take the food back to his seat, or another free space, so didn't think much of it as he continued to scroll boredly.

Phil surprised Dan by pulling out the stool right next to Dan, not even batting an eye as he settled as close as possible, shoulders nudging Dan's as he helped himself to the food. Dan spluttered, but couldn't bring himself to protest - ever since Phil had breached Dan's personal space, it was like a switch had been turned on. Phil had gotten more brazen with the physical contact every time Dan didn't speak up about it, and to be honest, Dan wasn't sure if he wanted to deny himself of it either.

"Meat loaf pie?" Phil asked curiously; not entirely disappointed, and yet, not exactly impressed with the Stanley kitchen's new inventions.

"Yeah I know, you wouldn't like the other option though. It was a cheesy chicken thing," that had shut Phil up easily enough, earning Dan a smile of triumph.

This was nice - the casual intimacy that had grown between them, the proximity that Phil sometimes initiated out of the blue, it made Dan fuzzy and yet, peaceful on the inside. Phil ate his supper in silence with his other arm resting on the table, right against Dan's right arm lying unmoved. Dan stayed on his phone in fake nonchalance, enjoying the tranquility in being in Phil's and only Phil's company, in this massive empty room, being connected at the hip just because Phil wanted to stay close to Dan. Dan felt honoured, to say the least. He wished the moment would draw out forever.

It was one of the unusual afternoons when Dan got to go back to house with all of his friends - most of his corridor, and even Phil, whom he didn't have any classes in common. It was maths last period - and funnily enough, Dan's first ever attended math lesson, because everyone in the year had to take a quiz to rank them into sets for the rest of the year. Dan might have gotten out of maths classes so far, but the test was unavoidable, to his dismay. So here Dan was, pushing his bike on the way back to Stanley so he could walk together with Dean, PJ, Chris and Phil, after taking the test together. They had just reached the corner of the parking lot when Dan's phone rang, forcing Chris to hold onto his bike whilst Dan fished his phone out of his blazer pocket.

"Louise?" Dan exclaimed in confusion once he picked up the phone, having read the contact display. It was a pleasant surprise. Him and Louise hadn't spoken since half term when Dan had more free time, but it was weird for Louise to call Dan after school. If Dan wasn't wrong, it should be well into the middle of the night in Australia right now - and last time Dan checked, Louise was still going to school in Australia. Unless she was exiled back to Singapore after getting kicked out of school again, Jesus Christ.

"Hey Dan! School's finished right? Are you back in your boarding house yet?" Louise asked suddenly, not providing any explanation at all. She sounded urgent, and Dan was so lost that all he could do was answer her questions, his own not getting answered at all in return. Dan frowned to himself as they continued to walk towards the entrance of the house.

"Yeah I'm on my way now actually... oh MY FUCKING GOD," Dan yelled, dropping his phone from his ear when he spotted a familiar blonde girl waving at him from a distance, right in front of the house. Louise squealed in return as Dan sprinted towards her, in the midst of confused boys around them.

Dan squished himself into his best friend for a good long hug. Dan had missed Louise, despite settling into his new life fairly well, and he particularly missed female friends in his life, to be honest, after being accustomed to the testosterone filled Chicheston. Dan didn't notice until he pulled away that Louise was dressed in uniform - white shirt, black pinafore with a slant-striped dark and light blue tie. Meanwhile, Dan's friends behind him were astonished, scandalised even, at the sight of Dan running into the arms of, God forbid, a girl!

"Oh my god Louise, what are you doing here?" Dan was close to crying tears of happiness. This was the last thing he had expected after a gruesome maths test - the best thing to cheer Dan up, really. Louise wad equally excited, beaming back at him.

"I'm not doomed, Dan! I'm going to university here! Well, not yet, but I'm going to do a foundation at Liverpool next year, and they'll take me anyhow, so I just have to do AS exams this year. I have to try to, anyway. I'm going to St. Trinian's for the year! It's just twenty minutes away from here, Dan! We're gonna see each other and hang out again!" Dan squealed with Louise, the two of them grabbing onto each other, before realising, embarrassed, that his friends had caught up behind him and were now watching curiously.

"Uh everyone, this is Louise! My best friend from Singapore. Louise, this is... everyone," Dan muttered awkwardly as Louise beamed at the boys who smiled meekly back at her, PJ even managing a pathetic wave. They were all standing outside stupidly and Dan realised something probably should be done.

"Louise you should come inside for a bit! Come on, let's go," everyone sprung to action as they laughed lightly and not so subtly trying to impress the only girl present. Louise chuckled as she followed the boys up the steps, clearly overwhelmed by the attention. Dan was the centre of the attention, too - no one would have missed how close he was to his lady friend and how they had been linking arms all the way - everyone was jumpy with questions.

Dan had meant to smuggle Louise into his room, but to no avail - Mrs. Hedger, with a sharp eye, called Dan out for his visitor as soon as he signed in. It was only then Dan learned that guests (female guests especially) were supposed to stay downstairs. The cohort decided to settle in the common room then, ushering Louise along and all fighting to talk to the girl.

"Louise, this is PJ, Chris, Dean, oh and Jack! Come join us mate," Dan finally got to proper introductions once everyone was comfortably snuggling into the sofas, including Jack who had just walked in following an intriguing text from Dean.

"That's everyone on my corridor... oh wait," Dan looked around like a lost puppy, only noticing now that Phil had vanished out of his sight some time in between the shenanigans. Coincidentally this was when Phil showed up behind Dan, grasping his shoulder in reassurance as Phil made his way to join the others.

"Don't worry, I've locked your bike back in the shed," Phil whispered into Dan's ear, dropping the keys into Dan's lap. Dan blinked - in the midst of this excitement, he had forgotten about his bicycle's existence at all. Chris must have abandoned Dan's bike once he spotted a girl in the distance, how utterly predictable. Dan rolled his eyes at Chris, who only shrugged nonchalently and not seeming the least bit guilty. It seemed that Phil had wordlessly took responsibility for Dan instead.

"Thank you so much, Phil," Dan said softly as he looked up at Phil, grinning warmly and patting Phil's hand (still on Dan's shoulder) in an appreciating gesture. Phil only grinned back before moving away. Louise, sitting right next to Dan, was observing the entire exchange curiously in silence. If Louise recognised Phil as Dan's previous object of obsession, she didn't let it show - Dan was hoping that she hadn't recognised Phil at all. Louise vaguely knew of this Youtuber that Dan had been following feverishly, but she wasn't really into Youtube like Dan and he never thought to tell her that Phil was his roommate now. Thankfully, they glossed over the exchange easily - their corridor mates had long since been used to Phil's particular liking to Dan, and Louise casually introduced herself without skipping a beat right after as well.

Catching up with Louise had been fun, but also slightly exhausting in the presence of all of Dan's new friends. Everyone was curious as to why did Dan deserve a pretty girl as a best friend (in Dan's defence he would like to consider himself at least in the same league as Louise - after all he wasn't Stanley's prettiest boy for nothing innit), so Dan had to explain that Harrow school in Singapore was coed. Luckily, everyone had fell for Louise's charming personality, and she hadn't made fun of Dan too much for suddenly becoming this semi popular persona who upper sixth boys occasionally walk past to fawn over. He was still the same old Dan - only now with more than one friend. He hoped that Louise wouldn't feel offended for that.

Louise had to leave quite soon after the brief chat - St. Trinian's, she explained, was slack but just not slack enough for her to not go back before curfew. She had a bus to catch in town to get back to her boarding house if she wanted to make it in time. Dan had only been informed that St. Trinian's was unofficially their sister school - an all girls boarding school, somehow even more scandalous and degenerate than Chicheston within their rank of schools, known for the hottest yet rowdiest girls about town. Dan was surprised that he hadn't noticed their presence until now - although it did sound like Louise had to make an effort to get here, they weren't exactly next door. He thanked her again, sharing another hug before sending Louise out of Stanley, with the promise that they would hang out again very soon.

Once the boys were back to their own privacy, Dan was interrogated throughly about the nature of his close friendship between him and Louise. Dan insisted yet again and again that it was platonic - and it wasn't like they were boarding back in Singapore and spent every waking moment together - but his friends had none of it, edging Dan on. They were convinced that Dan and Louise were either dating, or Dan was delusional to the delicate dynamic between opposite genders. Only Phil was sensible enough to not join in on this madness, passively nodding when Dan begged for some support. They would never let the teasing go down, now that Louise was back in Dan's life again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't mean for charlie's character to be charlieskies at all, but take it as you will. he's a oc to me, i guess  
> louise is back! i love girls i missed her. when i say st trinians i do mean that st trinians you're welcome


	10. realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise comes to a conclusion after observing Dan's interactions with Phil.

"... I have a room to myself, which is nice. But the girls on my floor are friendly, so I've made some friends easily. It seems that they antagonise the teachers more than one another hahah," Louise finished filling Dan in on what he had missed, before taking a sip of her tea. Dan took her out to the seaside cafe for lunch - it was the weekend when they finally had time to meet in person again, to really chatter without the presence of Dan's nosy friends. Louise had only started school this half term, and wanted to reveal the surprise to Dan as soon as possible. It was a happy coincidence that the only school in the country who would take Louise in happened to be so close to Chicheston, but they were both glad that it worked out. Dan told Louise about the rumour that they were together, which resulted in a snort filled laugh from Louise.

"So, when were you going to tell me that your roommate is that Youtube crush of yours?" Dan choked on his coffee as Louise raised her eyebrows, before retaliating, "he is not my Youtube crush!"

"What, you thought I wouldn't recognise him. He's the best looking out of all your friends," Louise deadpanned, still munching on her scone nonchalantly. Dan found this topic embarrassing to discuss.

"Phil is not the best looking..." Dan was about to say Jack, or maybe PJ, but backtracked. Even the thought of Phil's twinkling blue eyes made Dan flustered. "Okay maybe he is. But that's besides the point."

"Lucky you then! Anyway, what's the deal with everyone being obsessed with you? Look at you, Mr. Popular," Louise teased. Dan had to, quite bashfully, explain his weird social standing in the house to his best friend. Louise was cackling by the end of it - she just couldn't fathom how anyone would find her painfully awkward, style disaster of a best friend a heartthrob of any kind. Dan claimed that it wasn't like the attention girls gave boys: he wasn't really sure what the hype over him was. Surely Dan wasn't attractive... adorable in the funny kind of way, he supposed. Thinking about it any more would just make Dan feel self obsessed.

"Hey are you in house? I think I missed lunch"

Dan took a glance at his phone to see that Phil had texted him. When he woke up this morning (near noon) Phil was already absent from the room, presumably working hard in the art department as always. Dan shot an apologetic look to Louise, typing out a reply.

"sorry i couldn't keep lunch for you today! i'm in town with louise"

Dan bit his lip in consideration, before braving out a double text after a split decision.

"i'll ask louise if u can join i'm sure she wouldn't mind (non creepy smile emoji)"

"Is it okay if Phil came to join? He just texted about lunch," Dan asked out of the blue, knocking Louise out of her own thoughts. She was more than welcome - thrilled, actually. Out of Dan's new friends, she had liked Phil the most - she wasn't joking about him being the cutest, and Phil, being the quietly amicable one, was the least daunting stranger to bond with. She couldn't wait to get to know Dan's Youtube obsession (and roommate) more.

"That'll be great! Tell me where you guys are at if it's ok"

"we're at the cafe on the beach   
take my bike if u want. i left it in the shed, keys are on my table"

"and don't worry the helmet is in the basket captain safety"

Phil replied with a thumbs up emoji and nothing more. Dan assumed that he was on his way, and was immediately jumpy with nerves that Louise would tease him about Phil all the time.

"Hey guys! Sorry I made you wait. Hello Louise, nice to see you again," Phil's smile was unusually warm as he pulled up a chair to their table, dutifully handing Dan his bike lock keys as reassurance. When Phil briefly left the table to buy a donut, Louise took the opportunity to comment that Phil looked just as cute out of uniform. Dan had to smack her on the shoulder to shut her up.

Luckily the whole ordeal wasn't too painful for Dan - Louise had behaved, unexpectedly, and Phil seemed to be making an extra effort to be more approachable as usual, not unlike the AmazingPhil persona that Dan had missed for a while now. Phil was either trying to impress Louise, for obvious reasons (she's a girl), or trying to impress her because she was Dan's friend. Either way Dan was equal parts stunned and thankful for this more outgoing version of Phil, who easily chatted away about all things under the sun without really revealing anything deep about himself and laughing at Louise's jokes politely. The thought of two of his closest friends getting along was something that Dan didn't realised he had hoped for.

Somehow Dan became excluded from the conversation naturally instead, left to watch this exchange in awe, his two cherished friends interacting without difficulty. Louise seemed utterly charmed, although she didn't start to flirt like Dan had almost expected her to, thank God. Phil was really charismatic through and through - he seemed to have this magnetic pull on everyone around him, eyes twinkling and giggling adorably every now and then, although Dan could be biased. Maybe now Louise would understand his obsession too.

"Dan... Dan! You've been staring at my cupcake for ages. Are you sure you don't want it?" Phil was smirking at him - Dan had been caught. Whilst daydreaming, Dan had definitely been drooling over Phil's leftover heavenly baked goods - Dan was never one to deny sweet foods, even though usually Phil was the only one brave enough to order a dozen of everything with sugar in it. Dan glanced back guiltily, not saying a word. He wouldn't want to impose, obviously. Phil only rolled his eyes fondly, nudging the cupcake closer to Dan. Louise had to stifle a laugh.

"Thanks," Dan muttered weakly, fingers brushing Phil's in a haste to receive the cupcake. Dan had no mercy in devouring it - he basically inhaled the entire chocolate icing in one go, and went on to munch on the sponge messily. Phil took his liberty in laughing heartily at Dan, which Louise deemed acceptable to join in on. Dan would be cross if he weren't already so distracted by food, goddamn it.

"Here," Phil reached up tenderly to stroke Dan's cheek, apparently brushing off stray crumbs at the corner of his lips. Dan stopped in his tracks, blinking dumbly at the gesture, blushing profusely. Dan knew better than to hold eye contact with Phil, but it was too late. Before he knew it, he was drowning in the soft and gentle waves in Phil's eyes and reduced to a stoic statue. Dan wished that Phil would stop touching him nonchalantly all the time (he didn't really, Dan was inexplicably conflicted.)

"...Cheers," Dan choked out a broken chuckle, willing himself to look away despite his entire being protesting the moment being shattered. Phil didn't seem fazed or bothered at all as usual, turning to speak to Louise again as if nothing of significance had happened at all. Louise had to be blind to not notice the incredibly intimate gesture - but she returned to her senses quickly, playing along with Phil. Dan felt like a fool - maybe he was the only person overreacting after all.

The awkwardness finally dissipated when they parted to send Louise to the bus stop - she glared at her best friend more than once, clearly having some opinions and questions that weren't convenient to voice. But, as it was a blessing and a curse, Phil hadn't stepped away from the pair ever since to give Dan a chance to be interrogated. Louise smiled politely and boarded the vehicle -with a promise that she would see Dan next weekend, when everyone around the town would gather in the village centre for Bonfire Night. Phil waved her goodbye amicably, and they walked back to Stanley with Phil offering to walk to bike back the entire way. Dan was almost skeptical of this evolved and ever more charming Phil - maybe it was a plot against Dan to never stop being a flustered fanboy around his roommate.

Bonfire Night had always been an event of fascination for Dan - he vaguely remembered celebrating it when he was small and still at home, but Dan never really considered it as a designated date. Somehow, his blurry childhood memories seemed to consist of nothing else but fireworks and caramel apples and the rich smell of smoke. Dan wasn't even old enough for fairground rides back then, even on that one rare occasion when his nan and grandpa brought him to one of the big fireworks in city centre. This Saturday, however, Dan revisited this tradition in an entirely new way - as a sixteen year old, going to town with boys his age and not supervised by any adults whatsoever. It already was a great start of a night.

The village might be quaint, but it was a port town after all, so on Guy Fawkes Night it never failed to gathered the many that lived near Chicheston. There were all the boarding school kids as well, eager to jump on the makeshift fairground rides and raid the food stalls - it wasn't every day that the party came to them. Dan's corridor didn't leave house until after dark (which wasn't very late to be fair, and the fireworks didn't start until 9 anyway), slowly walking downtown from Stanley wrapped in cozy scarves and coats. Dan hadn't worn proper winter clothes in ages - in fact, it was his first time bringing out his coat tonight. It wasn't exactly freezing yet, but since they were on the coast, it was rather windy, and Dan was accustomed to tropical weather.

Jack and Dean made no delay to rush to the hot dog stall once they arrived the park, getting lost in the queue right away. Dan, Phil, PJ, Chris and Duncan all had a go at the table games - they eventually gave up with not much luck, although Duncan did win a massive Minion plushie, despite cursing at how these games were a scam the entire time. The gamekeeper was not amused to say the least.

It got more crowded as the night progressed - even crowded enough to make Dan anxious, like most social situations do, so it wasn't before long that Dan was clinging onto Phil's elbow as he was guided through the carnival. Obviously, Dan wanted to stay for the fireworks, so they killed more time by going for a round of bumper cars. Dan's innate streak of competitiveness never failed to distract him - purposefully targeting each other within a pool of confused town folk and families, Dan and Phil left the bumper car victorious against Chris and PJ's car. PJ was screaming for his life shortly after the fifth time the Dan-driven vehicle rammed into his' - PJ was almost mad at Phil for indulging Dan. Phil just sat beside Dan, laughing the whole time whilst letting Dan have full reign.

They still had some time before the fireworks began - everyone else had scrambled to be near the bonfire for warmth after a long night of being outside, but Dan was tempted by the ferris wheel (and to be away from the crowd), dragging Phil with him when their friends had disappeared. Dan was zoning out before the queue, contemplating whether it would be a good idea (and Phil was rather distracting to look at too, features soft under the various twinkling lights in the dark), but was tackled by a hug from Louise out of nowhere. She had finally arrived after being colossally late.

Louise didn't get to see Dan all the time, after all, so Phil let her steal Dan away without much protest, after initial greetings and a cryptic request from Louise. She whisked Dan away, sending Phil on his way to find the rest of his friends instead. Phil smiled warmly at Dan, gesturing at his phone and promising to read his texts if Dan got lost, before walking towards the bonfire.

"I have a question," Louise announced seriously once Phil was out of earshot, the two of them standing at a free space away from the crowds. Dan frowned, eyes still wandering away to follow Phil. He had no idea why was Louise suddenly so serious.

"You like him, don't you? You like Phil," Dan stammered as soon as Louise voiced her suspicion cautiously, shaking his head right away but not quite finding the words. Louise was weirdly encouraged to go on at Dan's inability to speak.

"Dan, you know you can tell me everything! Oh my god, this is so exciting, you haven't had a crush since Lily..."

"What?! I don't like Phil! No, I'm not gay! What the fuck," Dan almost shouted in panic, quick to deny and thinking Louise was being absurd. Louise only blinked at him, dumbfounded, before sighing in exasperation.

"I didn't say you're gay. Dan. It's okay, you've always liked boys, and I've always knew... we've been talking about boys since forever! I just never pointed it out because I didn't want it to be a big deal... which it isn't! Dan, I just want to help you."

Vaguely behind Louise people began clamouring - the fireworks must be starting very soon, but either of them couldn't care less, caught in the moment.

"That wasn't... that's just... No. I like vagina!" Dan's near hysterical proclaim was paired with the first firework going off, a disturbing boom that shook him to his core.

"Jesus christ Dan it's not that simple..." Louise was exasperated at Dan's ridiculous words.

"You just think I'm gay because our kiss didn't work out that one time! For God's sake, stop being so self centred Louise! Just because I don't find you attractive doesn't mean I don't like girls!" Dan glared defiantly, panting once he was done with his outburst, not considering the gravity of his actions. Another pop went off in the sky.

Louise gasped, stunned wordless, and looked as if she was about to cry. That was a low blow - they never spoke of the time when they were locked in Louise's dad's liquor cupboard and drank a bit too much. It had meant nothing, it was just a fun and harmless mistake, that was what Louise always thought - before Dan harboured it into a weapon against her.

"You don't say things like that to a girl, Dan Howell... Heck, is this what your best friend, your only friend, deserves? I was always there for you, Dan! You've changed now, haven't you, now that you don't need me anymore! Fine! If this is how it is. Goodnight, Dan. You're the ugliest boy I've ever known. In here," Louise's hand trembled as she patted where her heart was, wrenched in sobs when she was done with her monologue. Her mascara faded and ran down her cheeks, inky eyes staring right into Dan's soul.

By the time the next firework had gone off, Louise's back was turned to Dan, walking away and not once looking back. Dan slumped into himself, alone in the fields, as he registered what had just happened. He stood, dumbfounded, tears beginning to spill in frustration and maybe, he was also genuinely upset.

Dan's not gay! Or whatever Louise was implying. No he wasn't, or at least he thought he wasn't. Dan had pissed Louise off, upsetted her - this would be the first fight in ages between them. Dan shouldn't have said those things, it was terrible of him to do that Louise when all she had ever done was care for him dearly. Dan's mind was a jumble.

"What have I done," Dan muttered to himself weakly as he cried, his steps picking up to run away from nothing in particular. Dan just needed to get away - from the noise, the annoying happiness radiating from the crowds, all the problems in his head. His pace picked up to a sprint as Dan charged towards the house, still sobbing and clutching at his face to hide from the world. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in the safety of his own room and cry his heart out, since there didn't seem to be much else choice in this hopelessness.

Dan didn't bother to turn on the light once he barged into his own room, collapsing at the foot of the ladder to his bed into a ball to cry into his knees. Dan didn't know what to think of all the things that Louise was trying to make him see - all he knew was that he was hurting, and he had hurt Louise. The house was empty and quiet, Dan's surroundings filled with nothing but darkness and the sound of his own sobs.

He didn't know how long he stayed there like this, breaking down in the darkness, unmoving. The fireworks must have been over by now. Dan felt his phone vibrate several times in his jean pocket, and was set on ignoring it, still heaving and crying. He was almost entirely sure that it couldn't have been Louise anyway - Dan was in the wrong and it would be too soon for her to forgive. But eventually the device digging into his hip bone was too uncomfortable to ignore, so Dan shimmied slightly to pull it out of his pocket, before pulling his knees back toward himself.

Dan had several text messages, understandably from Phil who had lost him for a while now.

"We're right at the front!! Fireworks is starting soon"

"Where r u and Louise?"

"Can't find u guys r u ok"

"Dan I'm worried just reply to say you're not lost please"

Dan chewed on his lip, debating whether to reply. He reckoned that if he rode on the rumour that him and Louise were together, surely no one would suspect them too much for disappearing by themselves. But Dan felt bad for making Phil worry, when Phil was always so attentive to his crowd-induced panic.

Dan didn't have a dilemma in the end, because Phil had decided to call at this instant.

"Dan! Are you with Louise still? You guys are not lost, right?" Phil was slightly embarrassed when Dan actually picked up, trying his best to sound not too over-worrying and panicked. After all, Dan and Louise could well be distracted by having some alone time, and Phil had no right to intrude.

"Uh, no, I've gone back to the house. Don't worry about me," Dan choked out, before hanging up on a confused Phil.

The last thing that Dan wanted whilst dry heaving on the carpet of his room was to be reminded of Phil, which sent another wave of fresh distressed tears to Dan's bloated eyes. Deep down he knew Louise had some truth to her words - it was no secret that he had always found Phil attractive, and had a bit of an obsessive streak with the Youtuber. Now that Dan was actually in Phil's life, the adoration ran a little deeper than just the superficial - maybe it was finally time to face the feelings that had always made Dan feel a little bit odd.

But what would this mean for Dan: to try and figure himself out in this still terrifyingly new, testosterone filled place, not to mention share a room with Phil? Dan felt doomed. And now without Louise by his side, despite against the odds, they have winded up together within a mile's radius. Dan truly had screwed up. Every time Dan ran away from his problems, they just come knocking on his front door, eventually. Even when he escaped six thousand miles.

The sobs were wracking his frame again when Dan was startled by Phil sneaking into the room and switching on the lights without much thought. Dan hid in his arms, terrified of how much of a mess he must look like under the light. Phil shuffled closer to crouch in front of Dan, quiet and cautious.

"Oh Dan... trouble with the girlfriend?" Phil asked softly, hand smoothing over Dan's shaking back soothingly. Dan cried harder at the confirmation, the usual "not my girlfriend" denial dying on his tongue. Phil's palm was steady between Dan's shoulder blades, drawing small circles and slowly venturing to stroke Dan's hair. Even at times like this, considering the origin of Dan's distress, Phil was still the person to comfort and embrace Dan, touching him softly no less. Dan wanted to scream, bolt and run. But he was tired, and Dan probably had enough of rash actions for one day.

"I'm fine... please don't touch me... I'm okay, I promise," Phil didn't seem convinced, but immediately retracted his hand respectfully, watching Dan with concern in a distance instead. Dan wiped his tears away messily with the back of his hand, before attempting to stand up, ignoring the pins and needles in his feet from squatting too long. He grabbed onto the ladder, trying to compose himself.

"I'm really tired, so I think I'll just sleep now," Dan announced quietly, with a scratchy voice, before climbing up into his bed, despite still in jeans and his coat. Phil didn't dare to ask, only agreeing gently and turned off the main lights in courtesy. Dan rolled into a ball under covers once stripped of all his clothes and throwing them off the railings of his bed, falling into a deep slumber after that exhausting breakdown. Dan just wanted to forget everything that happened today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never had a sexuality crisis i hope i did okay!! i'm a lesbian so i can't really speak for the bi/pan experience, if anyone wants to shed light on it i am eager to listen!


	11. reconcile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan makes up with Louise, but maybe not with his mother.

"I think Dan and Louise might have broken up, so take it easy on him you guys. Don't mention it," Phil whispered to the crew when Dan was out of earshot, watching him bolt out the door once lunchtime ended, running around as usual. Their friends murmured and agreed solemnly, and even Chris nodded in seriousness, willing to keep his mouth shut for once. Dan hadn't spoke of it since the morning after, and Phil didn't feel that it was in his place to ask, going about their lives casually as if nothing had happened instead. When Dan was being unusually antisocial to Phil (which was rare), it only gave Phil more time to plan for his next video, so he hardly minded.

Dan, on the other hand, was zoning out next to the bike racks, not particularly pressed to hurry back to school. He was supposed to have Drama now, back in main campus, but they had been told it was a cover teacher today anyway - Dan doubt he would be missing anything important if he just walked in twenty minutes late and pulled the "I'm from Stanley" card instead. Tyler Oakley, on his way to the gym, spotted Dan loitering outside the house.

"Dan! I hope you're not skiving. You've only been in this school for two months," Tyler reprimanded cheekily, winking at Dan. Dan, recently not high in his spirits, only gave a weak smile in return. Tyler sobered up at that, coughing before speaking in a more serious matter.

"By the way, house panto is coming up soon. You know, pantomime, it's basically a comedy play. I thought you'd be interested," Tyler explained when Dan stared blankly back at him, leaning against the pole that held up the shed roof and watching Dan expectantly. Dan perked up at the offer - he did rediscover his passion for acting after doing it in school again, after all. Dan was excited to finally put it into practice.

"Yeah of course!" This might even be a gateway for Dan to get into the school plays - it was hard when he was new so the teachers didn't know him, but too old to be cast as small parts. Dan was eager to prove himself on stage.

"Good. Come to audition on Thursday? I already know that you're a theatre veteran, I trust your experience, we're just gonna discuss what part you should be," Tyler chuckled to himself authoritatively, stepping forward to pat Dan on the shoulder as a friendly gesture before running off. Dan, in the midst of his deep and distracting thoughts, almost flinched as Tyler merely tapped him. In light of his recent fight with Louise, Dan had been wary of any physical contact since - the thought of him being attracted to boys and girls alike unnerved Dan, but Dan knew it was a thought that needed to be tackled, sooner or later.

Dan scolded himself once Tyler was out of his sight, skipping to the gym innocently and not catching onto Dan's turmoil. Christ, Dan needed to stop being so homophobic. He knew that Tyler only meant no harm, and obviously didn't pose as a threat - Tyler had always been overtly friendly since the first day they met, extremely camp vibes or not, and Dan had even played along with the flirting back then. Dan had no reason to be suddenly so guarded now - well, except for the fact that he was now aware of the similarities between him and Tyler. Not that it meant that Dan should think of anything between them differently - or Dan's relationships with any boys, for that matter - after all, he had no problem keeping it friendly and platonic with Louise before. 

But then there was also Phil. Dan winced at the thought. Phil, who he had always idolised before meeting in person, who Dan had definitely found attractive for the longest time, who also liked to torment Dan with casual invasions of Dan's personal space every now and then. Dan didn't know how to act around his roommate anymore - and on top of that, he probably should try and make his best friend forgive him. Everything was a headache.

"Dan? I found a letter for you," Phil said as he placed the envelope on the corner of Dan's desk, before turning to his side of the room to undress. Phil didn't dare to approach Dan much out of the blue these days - it was pretty clear that Dan was quite beaten up over whatever he was going through with Louise, being more vacant and melancholy than usual, so Phil had let Dan to his own devices most of the time, as long as he wasn't bawling his eyes out again. What Phil didn't know was that Dan had been ignoring him and avoiding their room as much as possible for other reasons too, but Dan didn't have a reason to be rude right now. He responded slowly, peering at the envelope curiously as he stopped writing his history essay. Dan couldn't think of anyone off the top of his head that would send him a letter to school - even his nan had his mobile number and would call instead. Dan picked it up, inspecting it before trying to rip the envelope open.

"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have gone through your stuff, but I saw it sitting in your pigeon hole for a few days now, so," Phil tugged at his loosened tie uncomfortably, antsy at Dan's silence. Dan was reading the letter, face stoic as his eyes scanned through it frantically.

"No, it's alright. Thank you, Phil," Dan tried to stay calm, but his voice was shaky as he put the sheet of paper down, mind running lightning fast, trying to process what he had just read.

His mother was coming to visit Dan, here in school, in merely a few days. Dan's heart dropped at the sudden surprise - he really didn't look forward to meeting his mum again, after so many years, when she had not given a shit about his life at all. Dan had nothing but resent for the woman, and even if she did decide to show up, Dan wished he had more notice to emotionally prepare himself than a stupidly impersonal letter received a few days prior. Dan supposed it made sense - his mum surely wouldn't have his mobile number, and his dad wouldn't have said much about Dan beyond the name of the school he was going to, if his mother even cared for his life updates at all. Dan should remember to check his mail more often.

This was the final blow at Dan to his currently, already couldn't be anymore troubling life. His fall out with Louise, his looming sexuality crisis revolving his roommate whom he spent time with literally every waking moment, and now, his mother reappearing in his life (not unannounced, but might as well be), God knows why. Dan imagined the encounter: he knew he would be bitter, no matter how hard he tried not to. And she was never pleasant in any of Dan's memories - maybe she had came to be a good and involved mother again, and Dan might even find it in him to forgive her, but Dan could dream. She would have the decency to call if that was the case. Dan tore the letter pointedly and threw the shreds into the bin. Phil turned to stare, but didn't say a word. That was quite an outburst after days of a mostly unresponsive Dan.

"My mum's coming to visit this Saturday," Dan's voice was unrecognisable to himself, cold and emotionless. He stared at the shreds he just threw into the bin.

"Oh?" Phil perked up at that, but didn't dare to follow up the questions in his head. Dan almost never mentioned his mum, so Phil had just assumed the worst - maybe she was dead, or Dan had never met her. She did sound very much alive now - although Dan's parents had to be divorced at least (they were in two separate continents), and from what Phil could gather from Dan's current seething, he probably wasn't on good terms with his mum. Better if Phil didn't speak of it and just wait for Dan to open up about everything that had happened lately, once he was ready.

Dan's phone rang in the middle of supper, when everyone's been eating quietly, without the usual cheer that Dan brought to the table. Upon reading the contact display, Dan jumped up from his seat, running for the door to answer the call before the catering staff could yell at him for using his phone in the dining hall. This was a call that he couldn't miss. He turned heads in the dining hall, but couldn't care less.

"Louise?" Dan asked shakily once he was out of the crowded dining room, standing in the corridor and distracting his eyes with the view outside. It started raining heavily after school today - the raindrops were glowing in the lamp light in the midst of darkness. Louise's line was filled with static and noise, and Dan struggled to hear.

"Dan. We need to talk," was all he could make out. Dan took in a deep breath, composing himself and trying to not blurt everything out at once. He had thought about his apology before, but it wasn't best to throw it all out in a jumble, over the phone.

"Yes we do. Uh how do you wanna do this? I..." Dan mumbled, but got cut off quickly.

"Come outside," Louise's request was bizzare. Dan peered out of the window, at the pouring rain, feeling puzzled.

"Wait, what? Like now? I'm in house..." Dan trailed off, although he didn't waste time to speed up his walk to his room, ready to wrap himself up in a coat and leave if that was what Louise meant.

"Yeah. Hurry," Louise hung up on him then, leaving no room for questions or an argument. Dan groaned in annoyance, but pulled his raincoat on and retied his shoelaces anyways, before going down to the front of the house. Dan didn't bother to sign out - he wasn't allowed to leave the school premises at this hour anyway, and if he ever got caught, Dan would pass with some shitty excuse about going to the gym or collecting homework he had left in his locker in school. Dan would probably go for the latter, who was he kidding.

The rain was crashing down onto the pavement - Dan hadn't seen such dramatic weather since Singapore. Sure, English weather had always been known for incessant rain, but it was more of daily showers and mild inconvenience than the tropical storms and typhoons that Dan was used to. Dan stood at the porch, lost. Louise had told him to come outside, but didn't specify where. He fumbled for his phone to call her again, but it seemed like he didn't have to. Right below one of the lampposts in the parking lot, he spotted a bright pink umbrella. Dan ran towards it in shock.

"Jesus Christ Louise," Dan exclaimed instinctively at first, but seeing how startled she was, he suddenly remembered he still owe her an apology. Dan stuttered, hands balling into fists in front of him nervously.

"I uh... Louise, I am so sorry. Look, I..." Dan was beginning to babble, but Louise beat him to it.

"I'm so sorry too Dan! I'm sorry, I..." Dan chuckled humourlessly as they repeated each other's words. At least it meant that Louise wasn't that mad at him. Meanwhile, they were still standing in the middle of this dramatic downpour, Dan getting half drenched under Louise's small umbrella. He assessed the absurdity of the situation, and sighed.

"Let's get to somewhere dry first, shall we," Dan nudged Louise's elbow as they stepped towards the house, but he thought better of it. He had already walked out of supper without a warning, Dan guessed that the house staff wouldn't appreciate him dragging Louise in at this time of the evening (if he were to get caught). Dan rather not risk it. He whisked Louise round the corner, and into the bike shed. The rain rattled loudly on the metal roof, but at least they were dry (mostly), and the lighting's more decent that the lamppost outside the main door. Louise watched Dan meekly, as if not sure how to improvise from her rash decision to ambush Dan outside Stanley, once they were both undercover. Dan took a deep breath and decided to go first. This had been long overdue.

"Louise, you are my best friend. And I'll never forget that. I'm so sorry for all the terrible things that I shouldn't have said... I was overreacting. And I've hurt you. And I really don't want to lose you. So. Sorry," Dan pulled his lips into a tight and awkward smile as a peace offering. Louise returned an equally curt smile, looking across the floor. It was a nice apology, but she wouldn't deny that she was owed one.

"Apology accepted. But I owe you one, too. I shouldn't have jumped on you like that, and pushed it even when you clearly didn't want me to... Look, there's this girl on my floor right, Tracy - and she found me angry crying in the kitchen so I told her everything. So, Tracy's a lesbian, and she said, straight people would never understand the struggles and how hard it is... Anyway I'm getting off track. Whatever I said, about Phil," Dan gulped at that, wishing that they wouldn't have to address it at all. Louise caught him in a steely gaze, and continued.

"Whatever I said, about Phil, or whoever... I don't mean to impose at all, Dan. I'll be here for you, no matter what, and you can talk whenever you're ready, if you ever need to. But I won't push anymore, okay? No questions anymore. I'm sorry about before," Louise looked genuinely remorseful at that, and Dan nodded, taking in her words seriously.

For the past few days, without Louise in his reach, Dan had been thinking hard by himself. He knew that he could deny again, and Louise wouldn't pry anymore, as she promised, but Dan also knew that there was no more point in denying when he had already slowly accepted the truth within himself. Phil Lester aside, Dan was now aware that he was undeniably attracted to boys, despite his valid past with girls. It was a difficult thought to wrap his head around, but eventually Dan got there. Maybe it was time to acknowledge it - and once Dan started talking about it, he feared that he perhaps wouldn't stop. He really needed to get it off his chest, after all this time.

"Louise, I... I think I'm bisexual," Dan choked out, gnawing on his lip immediately after nervously, staring at the ground before him. Rationally he knew he shouldn't be worried about her reaction - after all it was Louise who planted the idea in him in the first place - but nonetheless Dan's heart lurched out of his chest the moment he spoke those words out loud for the first time.

"Dan, I'm proud of you," Louise sounded genuinely happy, ambushing him with a bear hug before Dan could look back up.

"And it's not because you get good grades," Louise added lightheartedly, patting Dan on the back. He chuckled, leaning into the embrace. That wasn't all that bad. They pulled apart, smiling at each other. Dan felt even closer to his best friend now, despite having to part a few months ago.

"So... is it Phil then," Louise wiggled her eyebrows once Dan seemed emotionally stable enough to take a tease. He was in no mood to deny this time, only blushing and smiling softly to himself.

"Honestly, I don't know. I think so? Maybe?" They giggled like little girls as Louise nudged Dan on his side. Louise winked, promising to be Dan's wing woman or what not, if he ever needed one. Dan hadn't thought that far yet - he was taking it in baby steps. Acknowledging his sexuality fully had been difficult, he would have to let it sink in for a while. Before actually thinking about his prospect with boys. Dan hadn't even been lucky with girls in the past, this was definitely a step up.

"Oh, by the way, my mum's apparently coming to see me in a few days' time," Dan mentioned offhandedly, when the rain showed no signs of stopping. Louise entertained herself by kicking the spare tyre around, turning to look at him.

"The old hag? Yikes. Why is she suddenly showing up?" Louise had heard about Dan's mother for a lot of times now, and had antagonised her almost as much as Dan had. After all, Louise had a loving family and anything less seemed horrible and unacceptable to her. She only tolerated Dan's dad because he seemed almost as helpless as his son half of the time. Dan laughed, coldly in sarcasm.

"I don't know. Maybe her conscience has suddenly hit her and she remembered that she has a son?" Dan couldn't be more spiteful if he tried. Louise pulled a face at that, but didn't care to comment.

"Whereabouts is she nowadays anyway? I didn't even know she was in the country," Louise asked curiously, to which Dan shrugged.

"I don't know, think she remarried somewhere near Oxford. Hey, the rain's stopped," Dan stepped out of the shed, peering up at the sky. Louise followed behind him, taking it as her cue to leave. Dan, for split second, had considered offering Louise to stay the night (in secret, of course) when the weather had shown no signs of lightening up. But it was a bad idea anyway - Dan was sure Phil would cover for him, but he couldn't afford getting caught (it sounded like a lot of trouble), and doubted that letting Louise sleepover in a house full of teenage boys was the best thing to do. 

Louise had snuck out, like he did - obviously she had a longer journey to go - but she stressed that it was fine, she would pass with excuses about buses breaking down and her friends would cover for her when questions arose. Dan nodded, unsure - but better to send Louise on her way sooner rather than later, so with a quick hug, they parted ways. Dan released a breath that he didn't realise he was holding in for days, as he watched Louise walk into town. At least one thing was off his chest.

"Fucking hell," Dan cursed to himself as he yanked his bike free from the chains in a hurry, hopping on and sped his way back to main school. His mother had turned up at the main's school reception, quite embarrassingly - of course, she wouldn't know where else to go, because she knew next to nothing about Dan's life right now. So main school had called the Stanley office, who grabbed one of the nearest younger boys downstairs to run for Dan, and now Dan was furiously cycling back to school. He hated being ambushed like this, for his mum to decide to suddenly care and drop in on him whenever - but he only had a two minute cycle ride to clear his head so Dan tried not to agonise over it.

She looked uncomfortable and disoriented, standing in the middle of the slowly emptying campus. Dan composed himself before making his presence known - she certainly obviously aged - it had been a while since he saw her in person, after all, and Dan was surprised that he had recognised her at all. She dressed way more expensive than Dan's simple mum that he remembered, which he scoffed at, because whoever she was trying to impress, or intimidate, it wasn't working. Dan usually wasn't one to brag, but he was almost tempted to stress how him and his dad had lived like kings in a life of luxury in Singapore as well - determined to prove that they were better off without her. Dan huffed, and finally walked towards her.

"Mum," Dan said, a matter of factly, and took her by surprise. She took in the tall boy before her - basically man size, all six foot and lanky - and took a moment before recognising the familiar brown curls, big eyes and squishy cheeks.

"Daniel! Why didn't you tell me you came back to the country? Oh!" her perfume was intense and very decidedly not motherly, Dan scrunching up his nose as he was pulled into a tense hug. He kept his mouth shut, just about keeping those snarky remarks back: he hated how his mum made it sound like he was the one actively keeping out of touch and avoiding her. He had no means of contacting his mum, so he had no idea how did she expect him to tell her anything at all, if she even wanted to listen.

"Well done, Dan. I heard that you got 12 A*s in GCSEs. What a clever boy," ah. So there it was. The reason to her sudden interest in her son that she hadn't bothered to keep tabs with for the last decade. Dan scoffed to himself quietly, barely nodding in acknowledgment. He knew that his dad sent her infrequent updates every now and then, such as when they moved countries or when grandpa passed, but it took something that she could boast about to show up again. Dan wondered what exactly she could use him as leverage.

"And you transferred here! Hmm, why didn't you go on to Harrow instead... If I had it, you should've applied to Eton," she looked around disapprovingly, which made Dan growl (again, to himself, he was scared of that woman just a bit). He was perfectly fine at Chicheston, had grown to love it, even, and didn't want his mother to look down on his chosen path. His new home. Because he didn't have one, thanks to her.

"I'm happy here. And it's too late to change schools now, right? Unless you want me to take a year out..." Dan smirked as his point dawned on his mum, who shook her head ruefully and agreed. 

"True... but Chicheston, out of everywhere! It's very... well known, and not exactly for the right reasons. It's gone downhill from the other schools that you deserve to go to, huh. Just now I saw a boy with green hair. Green! And another boy was wearing makeup, God forbid..." she clicked her tongue in disgust. Dan tightened his jaw, too tired to argue his mother whom he hadn't seen in years, but silently fuming, nonetheless. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the liberal culture in Chicheston - that was why Dan had grown attached to here, partly. Here, in Chicheston, anyone could be anything they wanted, without much condemn. Dan certainly didn't enjoy his mum breaking that bubble for him.

"Anyway, it's good that you're back, right? You'll get into much better universities here, Daniel, than if you stayed with your dad," Dan frowned at that. Despite how estranged his parents were, his dad never gone as far as to antagonising her, and she had little right to do so to his father. Besides, he had little idea about universities anyway.

"We need to talk about that more, universities! I care a lot about your future, Daniel," Dan rolled his eyes. She sure did, more than caring about his wellbeing. He had no idea what he wanted, but one thing for sure, he would go against her will just out of spite. Dan would rather be unemployed than let his absent mother dictate his life. He did not look forward to the inevitable conversation on this - somehow, Dan even wished she went back to not caring as usual.

"I can't wait to catch up with you more now that you're in the country. You're coming with me for Christmas, by the way. Your father had said that you weren't flying to Singapore anyway, and I already told Carol you're coming with us. It'll be great! You can meet your new dad," Dan pulled a face so sour at that that she had to backtrack, "...you can meet Kevin. And your little brother Adrian. We can talk more about your grades and stuff!"

Dan's head was swirling by the end of her sentence. Dreadful Christmas plans that he did not have a say in aside, he was shocked by the surprise that he apparently had a half brother. He knew that she married someone else, but this was news, and Dan had no idea even for how long he had a brother. If his mum hadn't planned to tell him up till now, Dan wished that she had kept that part of her life away from him forever. Dan wasn't exactly sure how to stomach the news - in his eyes, his family had always just been his dad and his nan, and the thought that his mother had found someone else, a better son to love perhaps, really didn't sit well with Dan. He really wished that he could just stick with the original plan of going to his Reading home again, or even stay in Stanley. Anything but this. 

But alas, his mother was a woman who always got what she wanted, whenever she wanted an in on her ex husband and firstborn's lives, and escaped whenever convenient for her. Dan didn't even get to protest before she left a disgusting kiss on his cheek and was on her way again. After all, she always controlled how much a person should occupy her precious time, and Dan was no different. Dan stood at the empty porch in despair, mourning his nan's Yorkshire puddings. Suddenly he wished the term would draw out longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that was a sufficient coming out scene! i mean, don't worry, there's more to come. fellow gays will know you have to dreadfully come out again and again in your life  
> fyi tracy is a self inserted character (my alter ego)  
> i don't mean to make divorced parents to sound so awful but someone has to be the villain am i rite
> 
> advise me on whether should i add breaks in between "scenes"!! my brain works like a movie but i feel it could be confusing to read, i dunno


	12. plot and device

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise has a conspiring plan to help Dan with matters concerning Phil.

It turned out that Stanley's Christmas pantomime, to much of Dan's dismay, was Shrek. Pantomimes usually ran on the themes of fairytales, and Dan would had been fine with Three Little Pigs or Aladdin or whatever - but not being some green meme. Tyler assured him that the story choice was sound - everyone needed the comedic relief, they laughed at their house anyway, and it was always refreshing to bend the rules on the fairytale themes a little bit. But of course, Dan, the actor Tyler had handpicked, was playing the leading man - Shrek himself. It didn't help that PJ was directing, too - Tyler explained that most people in his year couldn't care less and, he thought Dan and his friends would appreciate the opportunity. Dan was ready for PJ to abuse his power just to get the nick out of Dan.

Again, like getting involved often entail, Dan saw a lot of new faces, amongst some people he already knew. Jack, annoyingly, was playing Fiona against his Shrek - yes Jack might not be unattractive but Dan didn't really felt like his mates being his romantic interest on stage - but he might just about survive because Jack had minimised his stage time as much as possible anyway, to ease both of their suffering. Thomas Ridgewell, hilariously, was the dragon; and the only other familiar face in the cast was Connor Franta being an annoyingly adorable Gingerbread Man. Dan still thought that Connor got a better treatment because of whatever was going on with him and Tyler, although from Connor's glares and deliberate run ins, it seemed that he was equally convinced that Dan didn't deserve to be here either. Well, whatever Connor believed it to be, it landed Dan a big green part, so Dan couldn't really see how was that enviable to anyone.

Time flew when one was busy in school - between cracking on with the A Level syllabus, getting involved with house stuff, and maybe having a social life outside of the dining hall - the leaves had fallen and they were approaching the end of the year full throttle before Dan could notice. Days after Tyler recruiting him they were already having the first script read for the pantomime - and Dan, still determined that Stanley wasn't as doomed as everyone advertised it to be, worked hard in his duty to scout for costumes, learn his lines, etc etc. With his hectic schedule he could barely fit seeing Louise in, but they made it happen. Louise had asked to meet in Starbucks once Dan was free after school, followed by dinner in town; and although it was a weird request, Dan obliged. It would be a nice night off, and he was on the house staff's good side lately so he knew it wouldn't be a problem for him to stay out on a weekday. Dan was eager to complain about his life to Louise as per usual in their friendship, considering recent events of his mum looming, his unconfirmed crush on Phil Lester, and general stress.

"I have an idea," Louise sipped on her latte cryptically as she said so, and Dan was already preparing for this to go south. Maybe she would propose him running away for Christmas instead of going with his mum, and Dan probably would agree. Sadly, it was no preposition of that sort.

"...about Phil," Dan groaned. He really felt it was too soon to get into this, and much rather leave things as they were. He didn't even know if he actually liked his roommate like that or not. Dan could almost be sure that perhaps Phil was a big part of his bisexual awakening (it was more AmazingPhil than his actual, real life roommate, Dan reminded himself), but it didn't mean that Dan was actually crushing on Phil hard. And even if he were, he dreaded to pursue it - it all sounded like one big, giant mess: his roommate, aka his long time Youtube crush, who he was stuck with for the rest of the year, who had a complex with letting people close, and who definitely wouldn't return Dan's feelings (if Dan were ever to be sure about them, that was).

"There's no point, Louise. I don't even know if I actually like like him or not. I don't even know if he likes boys at all. Probably not," Dan argued, pouting and tugging his lips downwards. Louise seemed pensive.

"Well... would you say that if you knew the answer to your last question, it'll help you make up your mind?" Dan wanted to deny, but the idea was tempting in his head. Maybe he was only so scared about the prospect of him and Phil because he was convinced it couldn't happen and he should detach himself before he got hurt. Dan hadn't even entertained the idea that maybe Phil was available to him: the far away fantasy of dating his Youtube idol sent a chill down Dan's back.

"I... I guess. But it's not like I can just rock up to him and be like, Hey dude, are you gay? Or at least a little? Imagine if he freaked out, I would die, Louise. I actually would," Dan worried his eyebrows, hoping that Louise wouldn't jump in and offer to ask Phil herself instead. Louise had promised to be as empathetic as she could about this whole ordeal, as a straight girl, and Dan would really appreciate it if she actually held up to her promise. Louise smiled cryptically.

"Well, maybe not. But what if there's a way that we can try and find out does he like boys, more specifically, does he like you. Two birds in one stone. Trust me and my plan, Dan," Dan was hardly convinced. But Louise didn't suggest him outright ambushing Phil with awkward questions, so Dan guessed he was forced on board with whatever disaster Louise had been plotting on.

Louise made him to ask Phil out to dinner (immediately, like, right now) - and to make sure not to mention her presence. Dan was skeptical of this admittedly, terrible idea, and prayed for Phil to have a genuine excuse to not turn up. It wouldn't be odd of him to be busy as usual, and Phil was slowly getting back on track with filming Youtube videos as well (he always tried to when Dan wasn't in, awkwardness but also keeping the Disney magic real for Dan and all that). Unfortunately, Phil had agreed to turn up at their local Zizzi's at 7 - Dan would murder Louise if she planned to just run away and make it into a surprise date for two. She assured him that that wasn't her evil scheme, no - she had been waiting to try the seasonal special pizza and Dan's happily ever after would not get into the way of that.

Dan and Louise sat down (at a table of three, no tricks there) first, having exhausted their welcome in Starbucks for the past few hours and had a barista give them the stink eye. Dan texted directions for Phil to find their table in the small restaurant, him and Louise sitting on same sides of a booth awkwardly as they waited for Phil's entrance. Dan still had no idea what Louise had in store, but she insisted that it would just be a nice, normal dinner. Dan rolled his eyes in suspicion.

Phil was definitely mildly surprised to see Louise next to Dan, as they locked eyes in a distance and Phil waved, walking over to sit down opposite the two of them. Dan already felt incredibly guilty for tricking Phil into this (for an unknown reason that Louise wouldn't spill), although a rational part of his thoughts told Dan that Phil surely didn't expect and agreed to an one-to-one quasi romantic dinner date anyway. Phil recovered quickly, shooting a million watt smile to Louise as usual.

"Louise! Hello! This is a nice surprise, so happy to see you two," Phil said, genuinely, before muttering to himself, "back together." He supposed that Dan and Louise's break up must have been resolved then -although Phil was slightly puzzled by to the reason for his presence here. Phil wouldn't deny himself Italian food, but he didn't see why was it necessary for him to crash their date. Dan was about to joke, something about Phil flirting with Louise, to ease the tension - but she had beat him to it, grinning sickly sweet at Phil.

"Lovely to see you too, Phil. But not too happy, alright? Don't flirt with my boyfriend too much," as soon as she stressed on the word, Dan turned to her incredulously - having no idea where that came from, and where should this ridiculous act lead. It seemed that this was Louise's scheme then, and Dan was expected to play along - although he didn't see how portraying himself as taken in a heterosexual relationship was going to help his cause in any way. Louise kicked him under the table when Dan was met with no response (she should be glad that he didn't call her out right away), so all he could do was put those acting skills to use and grin dopily back at her, kicking her back in the dark nonetheless.

If Phil was taken aback by the revelation, Dan thought he did a good job of hiding it, politely leaning away and into his chair at Louise's jab (keeping a distance from him or her, Dan couldn't quite gage). Phil actually was hardly surprised at all - it only confirmed his suspicions (which were ironically established only when the couple had broken up and Phil had seen how broken Dan was). Nonetheless, Phil became more self aware after being accused (friendly reminded) of flirting with Dan by his girlfriend, who otherwise didn't seem hostile at all. Phil would have expected Louise to pick up on his impropriety towards her (a now supposedly unavailable girl) rather than to her boyfriend, who hardly ever said anything or even blinked at whatever boundary crossing action Phil might ever had committed. Maybe Dan had only met Phil post-crisis, after he had turned reserved and antisocial, but Phil had actually always been tactile in nature and, even when it came to genuine, self aware flirting, Phil had been a natural who never thought much of it. Phil never doubted himself in what he was allowed as a roommate, so for Louise to challenge him like that, out of the blue, Phil felt as if he had metaphorically lost his footing. He shot a quick glance at Dan, who only looked almost as lost as Phil was.

The dinner was not as disastrous as Dan would have imagined so far - it was tense at places, sure, but Phil was magnetic as usual and the banter flowed easily, Phil even seemingly hadn't minded being summoned out specifically just to be a third wheel. Of course, Louise didn't let the chance to be dramatic go to waste, after setting up this little lie - she was plastered to Dan's side all night, calling Dan "honey" at one point whilst booping his nose, and even fed him a slice of pizza. Dan was starting to think she was trying to get back at him from that comment he made about him never liking her that way - maybe Dan did deserve this bullying, after all. Dan had a suspecting idea that Louise was doing all this to try and rouse a jealous reaction of some kind from Phil, which Dan couldn't fathom - Phil being protective over him, and this was the only thin thread that kept Dan obliging to Louise's ridiculous theatrics.

Then Louise had the audacity to threaten to kiss Dan, on the lips, for real. Dan wanted death before the humiliation could ever happen. He had gotten chocolate ice cream on the corner of his lips, and Louise, obviously close enough to notice, had pointed it out whilst wiggling her eyebrows authoritatively, leaning in ever so slightly with a challenging glint in her eye. Dan was genuinely fearing for his dignity at this point - he crinkled his nose with a pained expression on his face, knowing it was way too late to blow their covers off and he should just take whatever punishment his best friend sent his way now.

Unexpectedly Phil decided to intervene - cackling amicably like he did throughout the evening, despite being excluded in this disgusting PDA show. Phil reached over the table to rest his palm on Dan's right cheek, thumb caressing his lips to get the spot of chocolate off. This was the first and only physical contact he initiated since Louise dropped the bomb on him - her and Dan both froze at the gesture, Dan for obvious reasons, Louise shellshocked that this was Phil's response to her little attack, unexpected and frankly, quite outrageous.

Outwardly, Louise didn't seemed fazed, clapping back by fawning over Dan even more, as if fighting for her fake boyfriend's attention. Phil wasn't bothered by Louise's affection, not showing his jealousy (if he even had any in him) yet also obviously not taking the hint of Dan not being his to touch. Phil still smiled brightly at Dan as if Louise wasn't right there, eyes shimmering and hand brushing against the back of Dan's on the table. It confused Louise to no end - so all she could do was attempt to get more out of Phil Lester so better to analyse him in any way possible.

This left the trio in the most ridiculous situation ever - Dan, in the middle of a battle of affection between Phil, his roommate and Louise, his best friend. The waiter who came with the check was so low key disturbed that he had to turn away awkwardly at the sight. It was like Dan's unknown, twisted dark fantasy had come true - and he wanted nothing more than running away and pretending this disaster of a somewhat date never happened.

Louise frowned to herself, when Phil had excused himself from the table and finally gave this silent fight a brief moment of peace - the results of this experiment was non conclusive and she ended up even more confused than before. Either Phil was truly this obliviously flirty by nature and incredibly thick headed, or he was into some weird polyamourous shit with Dan in the middle and thought he could live with ignoring Louise's existence, as long as he could kind of get a piece of Dan too. At least Phil didn't act thrown off by Louise's comment about him "flirting" with Dan - she wasn't quite sure what that could confirm from her theories of Phil Lester, but it was a good start. She wouldn't want Dan rooming with a homophobe in the midst of a sexuality awakening anyway, least crushing on said roommate. Secondly, Phil was very, very comfortable with being affectionate with other boys - Louise was convinced it was directed to Dan only, but Dan himself had reservations. After all, there was a whole world of pre-Charlie, outgoing and overfriendly Phil Lester that he didn't know about. Either way, Phil could be not straight, or very comfortable in his sexuality, and they hadn't gotten closer to the answer.

Dan's torture finally ended when they parted with Louise in front of Zizzi's. Just to make the story still slightly believable, Louise gave Dan a kiss on the cheek - Dan rolled his eyes as he leaned in but let it happen anyway. It was almost over, he gritted his teeth and convinced himself. Phil went in to hug Louise too, which was bold, given the night's events, but not totally out of character, so she obliged. It was a real hug - Louise had still been holding onto a shred of hope that this could be a display of power that would align with her conspiracies, but to no avail. Phil Lester, it seemed, couldn't show any malice or hostility if he tried. What a misdirecting enigma. Louise didn't know what to expect anymore and to be honest, she would not be too shocked if Phil did propose an offer of joining her and Dan in perfect polyamory. She wouldn't say no to that - after, Phil was indeed a catch.

The air was chilly during Dan and Phil's walk back to the house - Dan wondered when would it be cold enough for snow. He always thought that the scenery would be rather romantic, Dan barely remembered snow. He daydreamed and looked around the town distractingly, praying for not many questions from Phil after that bizarre night out they shared.

"So... Louise was actually your girlfriend all along, huh?" Phil quirked up casually, curious after the initial silence when everyone else had gossiped about the matter to no end. Dan cursed Louise under his breath - this lie just dug deeper and deeper! - as he conditioned himself into an improvising mood, spinning out plausible stories as he went along.

"Uh, no, actually; we only got together after our fight during the fireworks," Dan knew his story sounded counterintuitive to being convincing, but the truth was rarely straightforward and simple, so maybe this would do the job. Phil cocked his head towards Dan, intrigued.

"It's been a long time coming. Sometimes when you've been close friends for a long time, you really click, but you don't see it as it is right away. It's... it's weird to be dating your best friend. I hope it's a good weird, we're still trying it out," Dan chuckled awkwardly, trying to give himself a way out for when this lie was over. He ensured to make his fake relationship sound like it was unstable, but not suspicious for him and Louise to have an amicable break up, which would be staged sooner or later.

"You're lucky to have found someone who already understood you so well," Phil's smile was not forced but remorseful, the saddest smile on Phil that Dan had ever seen. Dan couldn't decipher why - a wild corner of his brain told him that this was the jealous reaction he was looking for, but Dan knew it wasn't it. Whatever it was, it was upsetting. Spending time alone with Phil again, in light of this lie that Louise had crafted for them, the air was just ever so slightly thick with tension. Phil didn't seem to shy away from their usual proximity, and yet, he was inexplicably melancholy and quiet. Phil was far away, when it came to his mind from Dan's. Dan wondered what triggered such an episode.

It seemed that Dan could never enjoy a day in peace, because his mum had called him yet again. Phil was startled, to say the least - Dan didn't really like talking on the phone and much preferred texting so even when it was Louise (his fake girlfriend), she never called unless it was an emergency (or when she was like, directly outside the house). It wasn't hard to tell that either Dan's mum didn't know him very well at all, or she just didn't care about what Dan liked. He sighed dramatically as he picked up the phone, letting his annoyance seep into his voice.

"What do you want," Dan groaned into the phone, falling into his chair in a defeated stance. Dan wanted to be a polite and respectful child, he really did, but this sudden attention from his mother was overwhelming and also, Dan longed for some control over the entire situation. He was done with his mum constantly calling the shots on whether should they be in each other's lives. He was entitled to not indulge in her wishes all the damn time.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to another school? It's not too late. I've been looking around..." As usual, she gave no regard to whatever Dan had to say. He closed his eyes in frustration, crinkling his eyebrows.

"Yes I'm sure. Chicheston is perfectly fine and I'm doing great so don't you worry," Dan attempted the reassuring tone that he usually reserved for his nan but it just came out sarcastic. His mum was insistent.

"Well, I just don't want you making friends with the wrong sort. Boys at your school..."

"Have nothing wrong with them! Mum, I have good friends here, who actually like me and care about me, I'm happy, so would you please leave me alone!" Dan hung up right at the end of his outburst and threw his phone onto the table. He swivelled in his chair angrily, turning around to find Phil watching him in worry. Dan sighed yet again, rubbing his temple at a ghost of a headache.

"You okay?" Phil asked tentatively, pausing his daily episode of anime, having been alerted some moments ago but pretending to give Dan space. Dan shrugged, before apologising for being so loud that Phil probably overheard his entire conversation. Phil gave him a small smile, shaking his head and telling Dan to not worry about it.

"It... it's just," Dan cut himself off, blinking at himself frustratedly when he realised he didn't really want to talk about it. It just always put him in a bad mood and exhausted him emotionally when Dan could spend his time on better matters.

"It's fine. Can I have a hug please?" Phil couldn't reject Dan's tired puppy eyes if he tried, so he just nodded, moved to slide off his bed and stride towards Dan. Dan looked so small and lost despite being a giant in his chair, miserably glaring at the ground.

"Sure thing, Dan," Dan stood up to meet him, collapsing onto Phil's sturdy shoulder once Phil's arms caught him. Phil was just a smidge shorter than Dan, pretty tall himself - Dan buried his face into the nook of Phil's neck, breathing in deeply. It was a bit drastic to cry, Dan reprimanded himself, and continued to focus on his breathing, clutching onto Phil. Phil reached up to gently pat Dan's curls, comforting him silently. Phil got the obvious memo that words weren't what Dan needed.

This was nice - just being close to Phil, having him there as someone reliable and comforting - no tricks, no awkward distance, no mysterious maybe flirting. Dan held onto the warmth for one last time, before letting the hug become creepy.

"Thank you," he said softly as he pulled away, not lingering before it got weird. Phil shot him a sunny smile - not deliberately soft that made Dan weak at the knees like before, but heartwarming, nonetheless.

"Always."


	13. confirmation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally comes to terms with his feelings, with the help of Tyler (and maybe also Connor Franta).

Tyler Oakley, beneath all the exuding confidence and carefree demeanour, actually always worried that was he up for the job of being head of house. Sure, it was Stanley anyway and there was not much expectation in the first place, but Tyler still put pressure on himself to try and shine some light and hope onto his dear house, before he left. Luckily, if there was one talent that Tyler was actually proud of, it was his ability to put the right people - the other boys who were actually good at something - into the right jobs, in order for the team to run like clockwork. He knew that he hadn't made a mistake in picking Dan as the leading actor and PJ as the director, instead of being too controlling himself - the two younger boys had chemistry and worked well together, edging each other on and Dan especially taking the lead when PJ sometimes fell short. Tyler had a good feeling about the new boy Dan Howell - he had spotted Dan before the teachers in theatre had, and also took note of the effect he had on other people quickly. Of course, most of it came down to Dan's boyish good looks - Tyler couldn't deny that - but there was something about the slightly awkward boy that drew people to him and made them want to listen to the ramblings that came from his obviously bright mind. Tyler would be blind to not see just how much Dan had affected Phil, out of all people - Phil had been a popular figure in the house, even more so than Tyler, but once he fell into a slump there was no one who could help him. It was a tragic sight to behold. But then Dan came along and pulled everyone closer again - Tyler couldn't deny that it was rather impressive. He had a feeling that he would be leaving Stanley in good hands next year.

Dan supposed that he had a slightly controlling streak, desperate to keep his life intact and relatively satisfying after being thrown off by his mum's unwelcoming entry into the safe haven that he had built for himself. Dan was working harder than ever on the panto now, improvising and making it even funnier and constantly building off the ideas that PJ had suggested. Dan couldn't deny that PJ was very admirably creative - they collaborate well and Dan was happy that he felt like he was finally part of the team, a crucial member of Stanley. He was busier now, even picking up the jobs of sourcing costumes for the other cast members and had a little input in set design - it was nice to put his mind to something other than his annoying life problems. Dan dared to say that he was almost akin to popular in the house, with more people from other years getting to know his name and appreciating his help - although obviously not as well known and loved as Phil Lester - Dan would always be known as Phil's roommate first, and Dan wouldn't complain. Phil had slowly eased back into the routine of making Youtube videos now, and Dan was so excited that he did - Phil always kicked him out of the room when he filmed, but Dan hardly minded, more than happy to just be a silly little fan watching the videos once they were live on Youtube. It was distracting in a good way to focus on that part of their dynamic instead of Dan's confusing crush on Phil.

Still confusing crush aside, Dan had finally gathered the courage (and the effort) to fake break up with Louise with the sole purpose of notifying Phil that he was available and not attached to a girl. The more he dwelled on it, the more Dan just felt that getting tangled in this lie was ridiculous - he was making up stories about him and Louise every day, and not really knowing what for when it just made Phil turn into the politely distant, happy-for-Dan platonic friend (damn it Louise your plan backfired) - and Dan was so relieved when he delivered the last ever story he would make up. He and Louise had an amicable breakup, they were convinced that their friendship was far better off untouched and pure like before, so they would remain the best of friends - Dan blamed it on some "personal reasons" that wasn't Louise's fault, hoping Phil would catch onto it and suspect something vaguely gay. Phil, unexpectedly, was more upset than Dan would anticipate - Phil hadn't particularly cared about their pretend relationship until now, but he was disappointed to hear about the breakup for some reason. Phil had tried to persuade Dan that he "belonged" to Louise and they were soulmates or whatever - which was so ironically funny that Dan wanted to cry hysterically inside. For Dan, the line between friendship and romantic feelings had always been so starkly clear - but he started to doubt himself then, ever since his sexuality revelation. Maybe it had been a false alarm after all, what did he know - even if he had found boys attractive, happily connecting with his friends didn't necessarily mean something more, and Dan still had the slightest shred of denial in him that convinced him he was only getting carried away in these close friendships he had formed in the boarding house. It didn't help that his mother had been occasionally nagging him about alleged impropriety of the boys in his school and probably feeding him internalised homophobia subconsciously. Dan was better off drowning himself in work.

The production was coming on schedule, and Tyler Oakley was positively falling harder in love with PJ Liguori and Dan Howell everyday, amidst all the stress. Without the duo being the creative leaders that Tyler was struggling to be, he would possibly go mad, and Tyler was never shy to show his affection for his two helpful juniors, engulfing PJ in a bear hug whenever something was resolved, or even when nothing had went wrong. They had low standards here in Stanley after all. Dan always couldn't help but laugh nervously when Tyler pinch his cheek in adoration or praised him for his comedic acting - even after almost a term, Dan was still terrible at taking compliments, especially when they were less creepily condescending and more genuine. Although Tyler was more of his friend now, Dan still couldn't shake off the initially flirty nature of their friendship, becoming a blushing idiot whenever Tyler was around. Dan often found his wandering gaze following Tyler, in between runs and breaks - Tyler was always so upbeat, yelling after people in his slightly high pitched, flamboyant manner. Dan wondered if accepting that he himself was queer would make him different from the average straight boy and so visible as well: although a rational part of Dan reasoned with himself and focused more on the fact that Tyler, being gay aside, had more to his personality and was just like everyone else - an overenthusiastic member of the house. Tyler looked so confident in his skin, and Dan couldn't imagine him not ever being himself like this, bubbly and colourful and full of presence - Dan pondered whether did Tyler always know he was gay, and was always at peace with it (well, relatively, seeing that he wasn't particularly hiding it but wasn't shouting it from rooftops either). How exactly does one figure out, anyway, Dan's feelings were so muddled up that for the first time in his life, he couldn't tell apart platonic and something else, and it was frustrating him to no end. Meanwhile Tyler was flirting with boys easily without agonising over his friendships whatsoever - or so it seemed, anyway.

The pondering continue to plague Dan's mind as him and Tyler ended up in the same room alone, late at night painting some set pieces in the telephone box lounge. Tyler had soft indie music playing from his phone speakers, and Dan had been sipping on the bottle of Ribena that he got from the vending machines; the two of them enjoying the comfortable relative silence as Dan squatted to paint the bottom of a piece of cardboard, getting distracted and brushing over the same spot every now and then. His questions surrounding his newfound sexuality crisis seemed to be the only thing in his mind every time Tyler was near, and a stupid part of him almost wanted to voice his questions once and for all, knowing that there wouldn't really be repercussions coming from the friendly Tyler. Dan chewed his lip worryingly, unbeknownst to an oblivious Tyler who was humming along and working away on the pieces, trying to gather the courage to seek his answers. It was now or never - they were alone in a seldom frequented place, it was late at night and Dan could easily escape back to his room if the situation ever goes south.

"Tyler? I think I like boys..." Dan ended up muttering it under his breath, immediately regretting blurting it out when Tyler did a double take and turned to look at him, exclaiming a little in surprise.

"Come again?" Tyler asked, although from the look in his eyes Dan was pretty sure he was heard clearly the first time round. Tyler watched him, unfazed, but also gentle as if approaching a scared animal. Dan gulped, his heart lurching in his chest. He was put on the spot, there was no turning back now. Just like when he came out to Louise, his chest felt tight and Dan's words were so heavy on his tongue that he felt like he was choking. Dan wished that this would get easier with time, now that he was committed to repeat this awful experience again and again for probably the rest of his life.

"Uh... you heard me. I think, I like boys? I think. And I really don't know how would I know, for sure," as Dan rambled, he slowly realised that he had been assuming that Tyler was gay (or otherwise not straight) the entire time. Oh God, Dan had directed this question to Tyler assuming that he had been in the same position as Dan, and he could've gotten it all wrong instead. Tyler probably thought that Dan was 1) very rude for insinuating that Tyler was gay, and 2) out of his mind for his sexuality crisis. Dan wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. Everything was a mistake.

Tyler didn't seem furious at the question, only slightly out of his depth and surprised, both at Dan's unexpected coming out (he presumed this was a coming out of sorts) and Dan's trust in him. Tyler wasn't really sure what was the answer Dan was seeking after, although Dan did sound like he was in denial, more than anything else. Tyler stood before him, considering Dan for a moment. He looked so young and terrified it was almost heart breaking.

"Hmm. Well, I'm not gonna lie, I think you already know," Tyler smiled cryptically as he walked towards Dan, who had dropped onto the floor cross legged across the room. Dan looked up, frustrated at the answer but also, just the slightest defeated. Deep down Dan knew that Tyler was right, he had already accepted himself, he just had to stick with it, determined. Dan pulled a face back, a pained and rather annoyed smile, indicating that he really didn't know any better. Tyler continue inching closer, stopping at a crouch before Dan. Dan wondered if Tyler had more wisdom to share, the initial panic dying down as Tyler didn't react negatively.

Tyler conspicuously crowded into Dan's space on purpose, inching closer and closer with a smirk on his cheek until Dan was blinking up at him, barely an inch between them. Dan's breathing hitched, his heart hammering for different reasons now - Tyler was very, very close; close enough that Dan could see the freckles that sat right under the frame of his glasses. Tyler still didn't move, neither closer or pulling away, not saying anything: for a terrifying moment Dan wondered if Tyler was going to kiss him. Rationally, Dan knew that he could always shove Tyler away, if that were to happen - Tyler didn't seem like the kind of guy who would force himself on anyone, and even if Dan had read into this right, and rejected Tyler, it would've been awkward, but not fatally. 

But Dan realised he wasn't even really sure if he truly wanted to push Tyler away or not, and that thought was even more terrifying than the notion of what was about to happen. It wasn't like he _wanted_  to kiss Tyler, because of who he was or that Dan fancied him (no offence Tyler), but Dan was just maybe a bit curious. Just, for once and for all, he wanted to know what it was like to kiss another boy, and how he would feel about it. Dan clenched his eyes shut, holding in a sharp intake of breath. This was it, it was going to happen. A boy was about to kiss Dan.

Luckily Tyler ended Dan's agonising dilemma, pulling away and giving Dan space again, rising to his feet without really doing anything. Dan sighed in relief - but maybe also the slightest smidge of disappointment, and sat there, puzzled. Above him Tyler only shook his head, shooting him a million watt grin amicably, with a rueful gaze. 

"I think you got the answer you wanted," Tyler suggested kindly. Dan turned his head away to glance to his side, ashamed for being led on earlier, but more importantly, was letting Tyler's word sink in. Tyler was right, he couldn't lie to himself when he already knew himself so well. Dan very certainly liked boys the way he liked girls. Dan belatedly realised how disastrous it was that he was ready to accept a kiss from his older friend Tyler Oakley, and was quick to argue for his innocence, but Tyler beat him to it.

"For the record, I do not see you as anything more than a cute new boy who also happens to be very talented. No offence," Tyler chuckled and poked his tongue out at Dan, who was blushing like a tomato. At least the sentiment was mutual; Dan would hate to get anymore confused by the boys around him. Dan was glad that they could still be friends, as if nothing happened. He returned the gaze defiantly.

"Likewise. And I don't see you as anything more than our very cool Head of House." Dan reaffirmed, earning a chuckle from Tyler. They nodded to each other as if in friendly truce, acknowledging the awkward moment was over, and returned to the work. That was an eye opening moment of self discovery for Dan, but he could only be worn out by so much dramatic social interactions in one day. He blinked into focus, before starting to paint again, trying not to dwell on how he was subconsciously staying out of his room till late to avoid an awake Phil.

Dan didn't see it coming at first - before he knew it, Connor Franta had yanked him from the corridors and into one of the communal bathrooms, backing him up into a wall with a glare that suggested he was not afraid to commit murder right now. Connor was smaller than Dan, both physically and in actual age, so Dan had no excuse to be so carelessly tossed around like that - but Dan never exercised and was about as weak as any six foot tall sixteen year old could humanly possibly be. It didn't dawn on Dan right away, not quite sure what had he done to deserve Connor's wrath - until he remembered, leaning back into the wall to groan at himself. As usual, like all the feuds between him and Connor went, this was probably about Tyler Oakley. And Dan had just so conveniently have a near kiss incident with said Tyler Oakley several nights ago, and by the looks of it, Connor must have caught wind of it. This was a disaster - and Dan probably deserved it.

Connor didn't punch him in the face like Dan had half expected him to, just clutching onto Dan's collar and yelling at him senseless. Connor was just a sweet little boy who couldn't do much harm if he tried, and Dan was relieved that he wasn't gonna get beaten up after all. He would appreciate it if this terrorising would stop, though. Connor had been hassling him ever since Dan had been barely speaking to Tyler, and it had escalated to this now, the final straw. Dan had to end this madness.

"You were with Tyler! I saw you! You're taking him away from me, you twat!" Connor's scream was deafening, making Dan scrunch his eyes up. He had had enough.

"Connor Franta, in case if you weren't aware, since when is Tyler  _yours_? But don't worry, he has no interest in me. For the record, nothing even happened. So keep your hands off me!" Dan was finally properly furious by the time he mustered enough strength to push Connor off him. Connor stumbled a few steps backwards, yet still glaring at Dan in defiance.

"Well even so, you were seducing him! Or whatever! Man whore," Connor rolled his eyes, continuing to accuse Dan, although tears were beginning to form in his eyes, Connor unable to hide the hurt from Dan's jab. Dan was right, Connor had no right to confront every single boy that got tangled up with Tyler after all, no matter how intense his hopeless crush on Tyler Oakley was. Connor was angry at himself as much as at Dan, so he retaliated by hurting Dan more with words. Dan was seething and maybe even a bit upset - the words from Connor, however untrue, had caused more damage than Dan would like to admit. Dan was overcome with an urge to prove himself, although he knew he didn't have to explain anything.

"Why would I go after your precious Tyler anyway? I like Phil, you idiot!" As soon as the words left his lips, Dan gasped at his own revelation in time with Connor freezing at the unexpected news. It did manage to shut Connor up though, but as Connor's tears remained staining his cheeks, Dan's own started to form. He was crying together with Connor Franta in the bathroom for Christ's sake, Dan reprimanded himself in frustration, but he couldn't get the tears to stop. 

He liked Phil. The truth was out now, at least to Dan himself (and the unwanted audience of one). Funny that it had always been there, at the back of his tongue, but Dan had been in denial all along. Louise was probably going to hear about this for two hours, and Dan would cry even some more, in distress or in sadness, he wasn't quite sure. This sounded like the beginning of a nightmare, but Dan was also slightly relieved, to finally figure out what was the confusing knot in the bottom of his stomach. Now he just had to ... untangle it. This was going to be fun.

"Come on," Dan said, unwillingly harmless, once he composed himself. Connor was still a mess, but at least he wasn't harassing Dan anymore, so they probably had to call it a day and make up. Dan gently nudged his shoulder, guiding Connor out of the bathroom. Connor quickly dabbed at his eyes, grudgingly stepping out of the room.

"We have a script to revise, so let's go," Dan said, determined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure if the kiss thing is problematic or not! i'm big on consent and consent is important kids~~  
> sorry daniel and connor sound like catty girls that's really the only characterisation i can do lmao


	14. it's cold outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a disastrous time with his mother's new family, Dan found himself homeless on Christmas Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possibly triggering homophobic family alert!

Dan was so glad that he had finally made it through the term - academic wise he hadn't really struggled, as per usual, and Stanley surprised everyone again by finishing third in the house pantomime, so it was a good time so far. Dan winning best actor had been one of the achievements he was actually proud of - being applauded by everyone as the hero of Stanley, as well as no doubt increasing his chances for school plays in the coming terms - Phil even cleared one of their shared cupboard surfaces to put Dan's plastic trophy on. It looked cute together with Phil's stash of deteriorating Christmas decorations. Dan had laughed when he found it there after washing the green face paint off from playing Shrek.

After his little outburst with Connor, it seemed that Dan and him were begrudgingly on good terms again - if not acknowledging each other and Connor not putting Dan into any trouble anymore could count as that. Dan was grateful, nonetheless - he had spent two whole days breaking down over his admittance to his sad crush on his roommate, and it wouldn't have helped at all if word had spread in the meantime. Dan would have to be more careful from now on - this had to be an absolute secret. Sometimes Dan would suddenly grow paranoid that Connor would come back to bite him in the arse with what he knew, or even Tyler, to out him before he was ready - but luckily, the term ended and the boys began to vacate the house before more drama evolving Dan erupted. Dan didn't mean to be self centred but he was relieved that no one had talked about him recently - the voices inside his head had been more than enough.

Then there was the other impending headache - Dan's mother was coming to pick him up when the house finally closes for the holidays and kicks everyone out, a week before Christmas. It was the only thing that Dan could dwell on in between packing and waking up at noon every day - after all there wasn't much else to do when most of his mates had already left for home. Phil and him were the only ones left in the corridor, Phil waiting out for cheap train tickets for his journey back home, so Dan was forced to get even more stressed and flustered in solitude with Phil.

Dan could never get over how breathtaking Phil always looked in front of pretty things - he first really noticed when they were at the bonfire, before everything went to shit (with Louise, and it's resolved now so it wasn't that bad in hindsight), but Dan had been too deep in denial to really accept and enjoy the sight. They decided to go to the Christmas market one afternoon, and then the ice rink there - not to skate together, of course, that would have been too much of a date and Dan's poor heart would probably combust. Phil wrapped himself in his holographic silver puffy coat - Dan was so fond of it. Phil, despite his quiet demeanour (he was improving now, slowly growing back to be himself), had always dressed so loud, in shocking colours and bizarre pieces that was weird on someone else otherwise but just worked for Phil. Dan found it incessantly endearing. The holographic coat definitely added to how Phil's eyes always twinkled under glittery things like Christmas decorations too - Dan was almost tempted to come back with fairy lights for their room so he could recreate this vision all the time. 

It was cold and they were blowing out condensation smoke rings over their piping hot churros in the late afternoon chill - Dan hadn't felt this festive in a long time. Although him and his dad did celebrated Christmas, when it was an actual holiday at some of the cities they were in, it was always slightly off with a plastic tree in an air conditioned apartment and the city adorned with capitalist Santas. Dan had forgotten that Christmas could be so... cold yet warm at the same time, especially with Phil's comforting presence next to him. This was the calm before the storm, Dan reminded himself - in a few days he would be in battle with his mother, her new husband, and his strange brother. Phil was vlogging their little outing again - Dan rolled his eyes playfully when Phil turned his camera to capture him deep throating the churro - Dan couldn't wait to watch this back, just to cheer himself up, in times of need when he was inevitably being driven mad at his mother's house in the outskirts of Oxford.

Thankfully, Dan's mum only arrived by herself, giving him a few hours' drive's time to mentally prepare himself for the rest of the family (not that Dan considered them  _his_ family, of course), after receiving a brief hug from Phil for farewell. It was one of the rare hugs that Dan and Phil exchanged - despite being close roommates, and Phil always infuriatingly touching Dan casually, somehow hugs were of a rare occurrence and were always very awkward. This time, Dan took the liberty of leaning right into it though, basically inhaling Phil's warmth. Dan had a feeling he would need this, a teeter to reality as he undoubtedly threw himself into weeks of passive aggressive arguments and general unhappiness. As they pulled out of Stanley's driveway, Dan got a sinking feeling in his chest - this was the first time since flying to England that he had really left the safe bubble of Chicheston. Sure, Dan had gone to his nan's in Reading before - but that week felt more like a retreat than going home, going back to somewhere that he supposedly belonged. Wherever he was heading right now, with his mum, it certainly didn't feel like home to Dan. Dan almost wished he had splurged on that air ticket back to Singapore instead.

Dan's mother lived at a comfortably big semi detached in the town of Banbury - one of those houses that were newly developed and identical to all the other houses on the street. Dan was definitely slightly creeped out and unnerved at how unwelcoming this strange environment was - his childhood home in Reading might be tatty and old, but at least it was homely and lived in, and he was somewhat familiar with the neighbours. Dan dragged his duffle bag behind him as his mum busied herself with the door. On the inside it was even more disturbing than the cookie cutter exterior - everything was pristine and organised like it was a serviced apartment; Dan would have no difficulty feeling like an outsider staying here for several weeks. Dan was shown to a room of his own - thank God he didn't have to share with his half brother - it was an airy attic room on the third floor that he had to climb a lot of stairs to get up to, and the slanted ceiling dangling low meant that Dan had to bend his neck in the room half of the time, but at least it seemed that he were to be as antisocial as he could possibly be in the house, and that was what Dan had wished for.

Dan met Kevin and his apparent brother Adrian over dinner when he was inevitably summoned from the safety of his temporary room. Kevin was actually a decent guy - incredibly awkward with teenagers aside - much to Dan's surprise, although he was even less comprehendible than Dan's own dad and even if Dan tried, he didn't think he could get very far with the polite small talk with his mother's new man. Dan was expecting himself to be spiteful of the man who may or may not have been the one to break his own family apart, who certainly had what Dan didn't - a whole family; but Dan ended up indifferent to Kevin. It was hardly his fault that he should unfortunately end up in Dan's mother's wrath - Dan's habit of antagonising his mum certainly ran deeper than he realised. 

Adrian, their son, was a twelve year old brat, simply put. Dan had attempted to play nice, but it was quickly out of the window when Adrian didn't hesitate to voice their mutual grudge against suddenly having a sibling and also complaining about Dan "leeching" off their home. Dan started hating this little brother of his about two seconds into meeting him - he liked to think that his mother was punished justly by having this pain in the arse replace him as a son. After dinner Dan swiftly returned to his room, once it was socially acceptable to do so, and he tolerated another week like this - staying in his room and making the most of the wifi until it was absolutely necessary for him to socialise for meals.

Polite isolation could only last Dan so long - eventually he had to leave his cave for the dreaded Christmas dinner his mother had planned for Christmas Eve. Dan already felt like he was intruding and didn't see any point in whatever family inclusion his mum thought this arrangement could do to him - he had hid in his room whilst they watched TV, whilst they decorated their tree, and now Dan was just going to sit at the end of the table whilst they eat turkey, feeling like an outsider.

And that was exactly how Dan's Christmas Eve was going so far - sinking into the chair at the far end, being bullied by Adrian into swapping their plastic toys from the Christmas crackers. In an alternate universe, if things were more amicable between him and his mother, or between his parents, maybe Dan would have liked to have a sibling. But currently he was just stuck between the desire to strangle Adrian or strangle himself out of this misery. The clock in the living room rang six. Dan sighed. This was a terribly long night.

"Dan, are you a sissy like my mum said?" Adrian's smirk was downright evil when he turned towards Dan, mouth still full of chewed food. Dan stopped his tracks at that, glaring at his younger brother incredulously. What a fucking brat, Dan cursed to himself as he clutched his knife, anger filling his chest.

"Adrian!" Dan's mum intercepted before Dan could rise from his chair to scream at Adrian, her voice level and calm. It drove Dan mad - making him more furious as his mum tried to be the reasonable one so he would seem like the overreacting hotheaded teenager. It definitely stemmed from something she had said to Adrian - and yet she didn't sound guilty at all trying to play peacemaker here.

"Quite some time ago I was just saying how some boys in your school are rather... peculiar," she chuckled awkwardly, still attempting to make light of this sticky situation despite Dan's blood visibly boiling, "But you're not like that sort right? And I know you said you're staying in Chicheston, that's fine..."

"What  _sort_?" Dan clenched his jaw, afraid that he would let all hell loose if he didn't try to hold himself back. He knew clearly well what his mother was insinuating - her paranoia about gay teenagers had been haunting Dan ever since they came into contact again, how would Dan ever miss it in any conversation.

"What your mother is trying to say is that there's totally nothing wrong with your school! Boys like that are like weed right, they infect everywhere they go... the other day I saw two Radley boys kissing each other in broad daylight in town..." Dan couldn't believe that Kevin genuinely thought he was easing the tension here. His mother made a gagging motion at that, clearly disgusted. Dan had had enough.

"So what if I'm of  _that sort_ , huh?" Dan muttered defiantly under his breath, ending in a shout that stunned the entire table to silence. Kevin was in pure shock, Adrian just looked scared for having started this mess in the first place, and his mum, well; Dan's mum was ready to kill him.

"Excuse me, Daniel?" The flaming fire in Dan died down and was immediately taken over by acute fear. Dan could tell that it was already too late to bite back his words and pretend nothing had happened - the impact was made and either way it didn't look like his mother cared to spare any casualties. If Dan was going to stand up for himself, he might as well see this through. He gulped.

"What's your problem? So what if I am... fooling around with boys, or whatever it is that you think I'm doing at school all the bloody time. So what if I am  _gay_ ," Dan choked out, equal parts furious and upset. He had enough. He was done being shamed into feeling guilty and feeling like he had to hide it from his mother all whilst join her in attacking his very own existence, just because he wasn't what she wanted him to be. Dan had enough of trying to impress her for his entire life, when she had hardly made the effort.

"Daniel... Stop talking nonsense right now! Nonsense! My son, like the rest of  _them_?! I... I can't believe it..." His mum was nearing hysterical now, standing up and screeching at him as she slammed the table. Kevin moved to console her, glaring at Dan disapprovingly. Dan only got more irritable when provoked, rising up from his chair to tower over her as well.

"Yeah, your son! Why do you care? Certainly doesn't feel like I'm  _your son_  for a long time now!" Dan's focus shifted entirely to the deep rooted bitterness now, tears spilling as he yelled back at the top of his lungs too. His mother did not appreciate being offended like that at all, not in front of her current family as well.

"You... you... if you don't stop talking all this...  _nonsense_ , I'm gonna call your dad to tell him all about it," that was the trump card to get Dan to shut up in the midst of his seething. Dan spiralled into panic as the idea hit him - he wasn't ready to tell about his bisexuality yet, he hadn't planned to, but it just... escaped. In hindsight he didn't really care about his mother knowing, it was almost freeing, really - to retaliate from all the indirect hate she had dumped on him. But now she threatened to tell Dan's dad about it - his dad, who was his only real parent, who Dan still basically depended on. Dan couldn't lose him as well. Dan simply couldn't have him know, he had no idea how would his dad react to it. His dad could disown him and Dan would truly have no one then.

The thought hit Dan like a freight train and his lungs constricted dramatically, not letting him breathe. Dan had never been so afraid in his life. His world was spinning and he couldn't feel anything except for an overwhelming sense of panic. Before the room could close in on him and suffocate Dan, he bolted out, ignoring his mother's cries, and sprinted right up the three storeys of steps to his makeshift security of a room.

Dan paced around the small room, his train of thought running thousands of miles per hour and way too fast for him to process a coherent line of action. He glanced at the duffle bag sitting on the carpet, a wild thought appearing in his head. Dan didn't know anything else, but simply that he couldn't be here in this house anymore. Good thing he always lived out of the bag and never unpacked. In a split second, he wrapped everything up and ran.

The three of them were in the living room, still arguing when Dan left. Thankfully they weren't in his way - Dan wasn't really looking for a confrontation right now - and they didn't stand a chance when trying to chase after him. Dan just bolted out of the door and kept running. It was cold and dark outside, but by the time Dan came back to his senses, he had already reached the centre of Banbury. It was Christmas Eve, after all - the town was as dead as it could be, save for the twinkling lights blinking back at Dan mockingly. The panic hadn't faded the slightest - Dan still had no idea what his next step would be. He slowed his footsteps, but never stopped walking away from the direction he came from. Anything to get away was Dan's plan right now.

Dan flagged down a bus the last minute as it drove past him, the only sign of life in the quiet streets. The bus driver had a row at him when Dan got on, but Dan couldn't care to mind. He knew he was lucky that there was still anything around to take him away from this goddamn suffocating village at all. Dan settled into a seat at the back, sighing at the significant warmth. The bus was heading to Oxford, the closest to civilisation Dan had a shot at right now, and more importantly, en route to Reading, to his real home. Dan pulled out his phone to call his grandma, hoping that he wouldn't have to explain all too much.

By the third try Dan remembered why his attempts were to no avail and smacked himself in the head from frustration. Since there was no one else at home, his grandma had always spent her Christmases with her in-laws, siblings of Dan's late grandpa. Of course no one was picking up the phone at home - and Carol didn't have a mobile so Dan had no means of reaching her. Even if breaking and entering was an option, Dan had a slim chance of getting home at all - his grandma lived in the middle of nowhere, where it couldn't be reached without a car from Reading city centre. Dan realised with a sinking feeling that he had nowhere to go. He stared out of the window in despair, empathising with the pitch black that he saw.

Without anyone else he could turn to, Dan called Phil on impulse. On most things trivial and annoying, whenever Dan had a problem he had always gone to Phil, so it was a natural instinct now - Phil was always exceptional at things like kicking the washing machine until it worked. Maybe by some miracle he would be able to save Dan from this too.

Phil picked up at the third ring - Dan was tempted to cry out of relief. Phil was always reliably easy to reach, unlike the sporadic Dan - he actually answers calls, and texts back at light speed usually. Dan breathed shakily as the line connected. Phil never lets him down.

"Hi Dan, what's up?" The background was noisy - Phil was probably with his family. Dan was momentarily hit with guilt, before being tragically reminded of the  _family_ that put him into this position in the first place. Phil had sounded surprised, but not annoyed at Dan's unexpected calling. Maybe Phil was shocked that Dan would ever talk over the phone voluntarily over texting, that's all.

"Hi Phil! I was wondering... if I could crash yours? Like, right now?" Phil was completely silent on the other side, probably incredibly confused. Dan rushed to explain, before Phil could write this off as a prank and hang up.

"I uh... I kinda ran away, and have nowhere to go right now, so would really appreciate your help. Please. If it's not too much to ask," Dan cringed at himself as he let how doomed he was sink in, biting his lip as he waited for Phil's response with baited breath.

"What?! Yeah, okay, okay. Can you get here alright?" Phil quickly agreed, despite the initial exclamation, no questions asked. Dan let out a long relived sigh, leaning into his chair on the bus. Phil seemed to be walking around his house, thumping up some stairs by the sounds of it. Dan looked around, noticing that they were approaching some sort of civilisation again, driving past a dark shopping street.

"I'll try? I'm getting to the Oxford train station right now, I can get there by train," Dan said slowly, speaking out loud as he thought. He would be lucky if there were still any trains running this late on Christmas eve.

"There's a train to Lancaster leaving Oxford at eight thirty. The last one if you wanna catch the change in Manchester. Do you think you can make it?" It seemed that Phil had already beat him to it - Dan could hear the familiar sound of Phil clicking furiously at his laptop faintly transmitted through the phone. Seriously, where would he be if it weren't for Phil Lester. He pulled away to check the time - Dan had fifteen minutes, and the bus was already pulling in.

"Yeah," he answered breathily, jumping off the bus once he was allowed to. The train station was just in front of Dan. He ran up the steps, impatiently jumping through the automatic doors.

"Great. Keep me posted. Text me. I'll be there for you at Lancaster station. Good luck, Dan," Phil hung up, fully aware how close Dan was cutting it, not wasting his time any longer. Dan looked around, before speed walking to a ticketing machine - he still had time, he knew that he would make it. The Oxford rail station was shabbier than one would expect - or maybe Dan was just creeped out because of how the only lights in the stores were the fridges in Marks & Spencer and the station was basically empty. Dan winced as he saw the price, but rang up with the HSBC credit card his dad gave him when he left anyway - he did say it was for emergencies. Dan dare say this was the biggest emergency of his life.

The train was pulling in when Dan made his way through the gates - luckily it was at the nearest platform and he didn't have to sprint for the steps on the bridge. Dan stepped on to find it was dotted with depressing people commuting at this time on Christmas Eve, looking just as hopeless and aimless like Dan did. Dan sighed, walking through the aisles. At least Dan knew that he was running with a destination in mind now.

Dan dropped into a seat, and for the first time of the night, finally gave himself the chance to breathe, to exhale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dramatic bad coming out eek sorry  
> also largely inaccurate depiction of british transport i can bet on my ass you won't be able to even leave your street on christmas eve, and crosscountry trains does not give a fuck


	15. the weight of snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil exchange secrets on a snowy Christmas Day.

Dan didn't dare to let himself fall asleep until he got on the train in Manchester - he didn't text Phil like he promised, or think about what he had done at all either, except for dwelling in the full fledged panic. The further up North Dan travelled, the more it was chilling to the bone, an uncomfortable mix with the dry warm air blowing out of radiators. Manchester was frosty by midnight - Dan was more than glad to fall into a deep dreamless slumber in the warm and slightly scratchy train seat once he got onto the train to Lancaster.

It was five thirty in the morning on Christmas day when Dan's train finally pulled into Lancaster station - he was jolted awake as the wheels clicked and locked, barely registering his surroundings before stumbling off the train. Dan hadn't realised it was such a long journey that would take up an entire night - he felt incredibly guilty for having Phil waiting for him now, in the wee hours of Christmas morning, no less; although Dan still fully expected him to be there outside the gates. Dan would probably turn Lancaster upside down if he made it all the way here only to lose Phil, his only chance at a somewhat safety net.

True to his word, Phil was there, waiting for him - a holographic silver coat was incredibly hard to miss in a dim arrivals lobby. Phil had his glasses on and was wearing a pair of thick jogging bottoms - he looked like he just rolled out of bed and honestly, Dan didn't blame him. Dan marched towards Phil, which turned into a sprint when Phil had finally spotted him too, genuinely feeling relieved for the first time of the night (early morning) and not panicking anymore. Phil engulfed Dan in a warm hug, which Dan happily melt into, tears of relief threatening to spill - Phil was obviously understanding. He still hadn't asked Dan any questions about this erratic move yet, but from what Phil had known about Dan's mother and her relationship with Dan, he could have guessed a thing or two.

"Merry Christmas," Phil chuckled in slight ridicule, chin buried into his scarf. Dan only then realised then that they were out in the cold on early Christmas morning and both really needed a bed. He owed Phil a lot more than he deserved. Dan smiled, before pulling away to nudge Phil in the direction of the exit, trying not to drown in guilt when he caught Phil yawning.

"Thank you so much for everything. I'm so sorry for ruining your Christmas, I can explain this mess. I swear I'll make it up to you sometime," Dan whispered once they settled into the backseat of one of lone cabs that Phil hailed for them. It was still dark out and Dan could barely make out what Lancaster looked like, although he did notice the sharp chill and blanket of snow when they stepped out of the station - it seemed that they were travelling through some sort of white fortified maze from a historical drama. Phil shrugged, tired eyes free of malice as always and the warmest thing around in the snowy morning.

"Don't worry about it, Dan. We can talk later; sleep first. I already told my parents to leave us alone when they wake up, so I don't know about you, but I'm crawling back into bed once we're there," Phil sighed to himself, messily pushing his hair up into a quiff and leaning back into the seat in exhaustion. Dan, in delayed realisation, reached up to touch his own hair. As he suspected, his hair was completely curly after commuting across the country for an entire night. Dan cringed inwardly. It wasn't anything Phil hadn't seen (or laughed at for Christ's sake) before anyway - these days with his helmet hair Dan was almost tempted to retire his straightener one day.

"What _did_  you tell your parents then?" Dan asked curiously after Phil paid the fare (much to Dan's protesting) and they climbed out of the cab. Dan had hardly told Phil anything, so he wondered if he would have to explain his quite embarrassing situation to Phil's parents eventually too. Phil busied himself with the front door, trying to make as little noise as possible.

"Oh, I said that your flight to Singapore was cancelled," Phil winked at Dan when his door clicked open, "Welcome home!" Phil could never cease to surprise Dan with how wicked he was behind that innocent facade. Phil could always lie convincingly and get away with it - it was unnerving.

Phil's house was a little cottage with thick stone walls - in the dim light of the lamps on the porch and nothing else it looked like a snowy scene from a fairytale. On the inside, it was dark too, but in a warmly hue lit by the calm fireplace and multicoloured string lights around the Christmas tree in the corner, instead of harsh LEDs out front. Phil ushered Dan inside, the two of them tiptoeing up the stairs and into the furtherest room down the corridor that Dan assumed must be Phil's. Phil's room was an exaggerated version of his side of their shared room back at school - messy, full of pop culture references and colourful chaotic energy. A badly self assembled giant poster of Buffy stared down at Dan from the headboard. Dan looked around, dropping his duffel bag next to the radiator and taking it all in - Phil's room wasn't occupied by much furniture except a desk, a mirrored wardrobe and his bed. Dan was stepping on a blanket-fort-sleeping-bag pile on the carpet next to Phil's bed. He assumed that was what he would be sleeping in tonight (morning), and honestly the radiator-warmed air in addition to the thick blankets on the floor looked pretty inviting right now.

When Dan came back to Phil's room from the bathroom, Phil had rid himself of his coat and shoes, plugging in his phone and getting ready for bed as it seemed. Dan burrowed himself into the pillow mount to get comfortable - he could fall asleep right now, the exhaustion hitting him right away. Phil was going to offer Dan the bed, but Dan had already sunk into the spot on the carpet before he could, so Phil only chuckled before switching off the lights, whispering a soft goodnight (the irony). Dan fell into a deep dreamless slumber right away.

Dan woke up feeling a bit too warm buried in a mount of blankets and lying less than a feet away from the radiator. He took a peek at the daylight seeping through the drape curtains on top of the radiator - it was unusually bright for a snowy winter day. Dan was impressed that he was awake during daylight at all. He shifted slowly, reaching for his phone abandoned in the middle of the carpet - it read one in the afternoon. Dan quickly scrolled through his phone then, wincing when he saw the missed calls from his mother. She had given up some time before he reached Manchester last night, but it seemed that she wanted to wish Dan a Merry Christmas this morning. Dan sighed and flopped back into his sleeping bag.

"Hey Dan, you finally up?" Phil whispered from his bed after hearing Dan's rustling down below. Dan tilted his head upwards to find Phil rolling over in his bed, one arm stretched out and hanging over the bed and curling towards Dan whilst with his own phone in hand, held dangerously close to his face (probably because Phil was basically blind. Sometimes Dan forgets because he was so used to Phil wearing contacts every waking hour.) Phil dropped his phone to peer at Dan intensely.

"So... can you tell me what brought you here now?" Phil asked gently, unmoved and still watching Dan from his bed at a careful distance. Dan bit his lip nervously, although he was itching to talk about all that had happened. He had sent Louise about five thousand texts (she didn't reply, of course - Dan already knew she was on a retreat with her distant relatives in God knows where in Ireland. If not he would've gone to her first) but the self indulgence didn't quite cut it. Dan had so much pent up panic, sadness, and anger - and he really just wanted to unload. He understood that this could potentially mean coming out to Phil all over again - the now familiar unease in his stomach resurfaced at the thought, especially after the horrible affair merely hours ago. But this was Phil, Dan reminded himself - not only Phil Lester of AmazingPhil fame, but Phil Lester his roommate of a term who had always looked out for him and even took him in on Christmas Day without question. Dan would probably trust Phil with his life right now. (Dan chose to ignore how his crush on Phil would be intrinsically affected when he comes out to Phil.)

"So I was already having a horrible time with my mum and her new husband and new son," Dan began, earning a half shrug of sympathy from Phil, who was listening intently.

"And then at their Christmas dinner an argument just kinda escalated. My mum..." Dan gulped. This was now or never. He could gloss over it, or tell Phil the truth. He turned away from Phil to roll on his back and stare at the ceiling, trying to even his breathing. Phil's ceiling had glow in the dark stars on it.

"My mum was not happy at all about the news that I'm gay," Dan blurted out in a surge of bravery, still refusing to glance away from the ceiling to gage Phil's reaction. Phil didn't move or make a sound at all.

"Well, bi actually. Anyway I just couldn't be in that bloody house anymore so I just. Ran away," Dan chuckled nervously, slowly realising how much he had overreacted and how stupid his reasoning sounded.

"I should've thought it through huh. I feel stupid now," Dan spoke to himself awkwardly, finally turning back to look at Phil after the lack of reaction. Phil was staring at him seriously - so serious that it threw Dan off and he wanted to shrink into the blankets. Dan always hated this moment, right after the moment of truth - the spotlight was left on him when he just wanted to run away all over again.

"Dan, you're not stupid," Phil said to him in all seriousness, blue eyes piercing into Dan's soul with so much sincerity that made Dan choke on his tears slightly. Dan felt like tearing up without really knowing why, before swallowing the tears with every fibre of his being. He wasn't sure exactly what reaction he was expecting of Phil, but it wasn't this swerved non-reaction that hit Dan's gut in a weird fuzzy way. Dan gulped and returned his gaze to the ceiling once again, overwhelmed by the emotions. Phil took the cue and joined Dan in staring at the ceiling in his own bed too, finally pulling his eyes away from Dan. (How did Phil manage to stare at Dan so pointedly when he was about as blind as a bat, Dan would never know.)

"Dan, can I tell you something too?" Phil was still whispering, not yet breaking the serious, intimate bubble in the room. Dan was jolted from his distracting thoughts (mostly a byproduct from the adrenaline still), and couldn't help but be surprised. His racing mind unhelpfully supplied some outrageous ideas - this was it, the revelation from Phil that he had always been in love with Dan. No, that was ridiculous - Phil probably was going to reject Dan and kick him out of the house. Dan waited with baited breath, heart still hammering in his chest from the earlier thrill.

"I'm bi too," Phil said casually, without all the nervousness that Dan harboured. Dan was shellshocked from the revelation - this wasn't what most people would expect when coming out. He was mostly thrilled, of course - his mind already running with all the possibilities.

"More accurately, pansexual probably. I never do well with labels so whatever. Anyway that wasn't the point. There's more," their eyes met again. Phil looked genuinely nervous now, eyes fleeting around and avoiding Dan's confused expression. There was more? At this point, Dan's self centred concerns were properly out of the window, replaced by intrigue and the suspense that Phil's sentence had left him with. Phil composed himself, shifting around his bed to get comfortable and didn't speak again until he was in a blanket cocoon safely obscured from Dan's view.

"So before you joined, there was this boy: my roommate last year - he's called Charlie. We were best friends... well we were something more... not exactly uh, dating... there was something between us. But then I was so scared of what people would say, so we kept it a secret, and no one knew about us," Phil said slowly, trying to keep his voice level. Dan's heart sank immediately when he heard that there was another boy involved, but quickly caught on - he knew about this Charlie. It was the boy PJ told him about, the one who got into an accident and unintentionally broke Phil's heart. Dan had a vague idea where this story was going - he braced himself for what Phil was about to tell him. Phil didn't know that Charlie had forgotten about him, he was going to tell Dan how this boy just disappeared from his life.

"Long story short - Charlie got into an accident that gave him partial amnesia so he had forgotten about me completely. Least to say what was between us, of course," Dan gasped, appropriately as one would when listening to such a dramatic turn of events. Phil didn't make much of it - what he didn't know was that Dan was actually surprised by the fact that Phil had known about it all along, despite everyone else believing otherwise. Dan couldn't fathom which was worse - to be heart-wrenchingly yanked away from someone you loved by circumstance, or blindly believing that they just decided to leave you one day. Dan couldn't imagine what Phil had to go through.

"It's like it never happened, you know? No one ever knew, and now... I'm the only one who knows that it was actually real, and after  _that_ happened, sometimes I doubt it was ever real myself too," Phil said wistfully, spreading into a starfish on his bed in a surrendering kind of stance. Dan thought Phil would be upset, but he just sounded tired and fed up. Like he had given up on all prospects of romance because of this one occurrence that had gone wayward. Or maybe Phil was still bitter that he had held himself back and kept it a secret from everyone (which Dan could totally understand) - Dan couldn't really grasp what was Phil's moral of the story. Maybe there wasn't one - maybe this was Phil Lester truly opening up to him, for the very first time. 

The real Phil Lester, Dan decided, was more complex than you could ever imagine, but also unexpectedly vulnerable behind the entire AmazingPhil spectacle. Dan felt a sudden wave of protectiveness over Phil, despite his own usual uselessness.

"I'm so sorry about Charlie, Phil," Dan said, as sincerely as he could, glancing up at the pile of limbs on the bed. Phil rolled closer to the edge, mustering up a small (and slightly pained) smile in reassurance.

"After it happened, I just couldn't do Youtube anymore. I don't know, a selfish part of me thought that - that if I let more people into my life, let more people get to know me - if, when something happens to me, I would be hurting a lot of people. I don't know. It made sense in my head back then. I guess I didn't want to let people in because I might get hurt again too," Phil said sheepishly, looking genuinely guilty for being closed off after being so traumatically hurt. Dan's mystery was finally solved - and he couldn't say that he blamed Phil at all. People deal with grief in different ways - not that Charlie was dead, but it might as well be worse. At least Phil was letting people in again, and making Youtube videos again. It seemed like he was healing.

"I'm glad you're doing Youtube again," Dan chuckled, attempting to lighten the mood. Phil let out a wet chuckle in response.

"Me too," Phil grinned. They stayed in bed in a short comfortable silence.

"I hope you don't mind me asking - when did you figure out you were bi?" Phil asked amicably, genuinely curious.

"Uhh..." Dan's voice died in his throat, panic settling in once again. It wasn't a trick question, but they had enough revelations for one day and Dan was nowhere near ready to confessing his crush to Phil right now. He wondered if he could answer without including that pivotal piece of information.

"Hey, hey, it's okay... Is this why you and Louise broke up though?" Phil tried again, easing up on Dan after seeing him visibly hyperventilate. Dan saw his chance to divert, and took it gladly, lying through his teeth in poor attempts to not get busted.

"Yeah, something like that," the conversation came to an end then, Phil turning to check the time. Conveniently, someone (who probably was Phil's mum) knocked on the door then and told them to come downstairs when they were ready. The moment was deemed over when both of them crawled out of bed to get dressed.

"We better go down soon," Phil said cheerfully, changing out of the jumper and sweats that he had collected Dan then slept in, into a truly hideous Christmas jumper and jeans. It seemed that the festive sentiments had finally caught on with him now, after their exhausting early morning adventures. "We only have a few hours of sunlight before my mum forces everyone to sit in the living room and watch Love, Actually again."

"I've never watched Love, Actually before," Dan said, feeling very underprepared in his decidedly un-festive black sweater. Phil scoffed, throwing another ugly Christmas jumper at him (Jesus Christ how many of these did Phil own). At least it was black - it had Darth Vader and Stormtroopers wearing Christmas hats on it.

"Come on, you're about to have the best, terribly cliched Christmas ever," Phil announced, yanking Dan out of the room by the sleeve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was longer than i expected phew! dialogue and the deep bits are always so hard for me so please excuse  
> also in chapter six when phil said that he knew "what it felt like to slip under the radar", that was foreshadowing! kinda  
> disclaimer: in light of recent events, i’d just like to reiterate adrian is considered an oc of mine and not reflecting real life! (so is charlie)


	16. love actually is all around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lesters shower Dan with festive love and affection.

Phil's dad was a friendly, tall and handsome blond guy in his 50s who laughs at his own jokes, and decidedly a good cook, judging by the roast he just served Dan. The rest of Phil's family were all ginger and had light coloured eyes - Mrs. Lester in particular, her hair was a brilliant fiery red. "It's just Kathy to you, dear," was what she tutted Dan about, before heaping a scoop of pigs in blankets onto his plate. Phil's brother Martyn was hardly as scary and unapproachable as Dan would have imagined - he was only two year older than Phil and obviously the two brothers were very close, bickering aside.

Phil was evidently embarrassed by his family in front of Dan, almost groaning into his palms at how they took turns fussing over him. It was sweet - Dan wanted to feel bad for intruding, but Kathy wouldn't even let him, spoiling him rotten with food and infecting Dan with the Christmas cheer. They didn't seem to mind Dan crashing their private family time at all: happy about it, even - Phil's mum shed a fake tear at her empty nest syndrome when both Martyn and Phil weren't at home during term time. Dan hadn't let his guard down around  _adults_ and had this much fun for a long time - it was honestly refreshing and almost overwhelming.

"Phil said that your flight home got cancelled last minute! Stressful business. You're welcome here for as long as you need, Dan," Phil's mum said seriously, clutching on Dan's arm firmly. Dan chuckled with a light blush on his cheeks, thanking her for the hospitality, before Phil excusing them both to avoid any further embarrassment on his part. Phil had wanted to take Dan on a walk around in the snow before they lose the daylight anyway. As they pulled on their coats, Dan assured Phil that he would be well on his way once he got hold of his grandma in a few days. Phil told Dan that he didn't have to worry, laughing lightly.

"My mum likes you, you know. Stop with your cute boy charms, we're not in Stanley anymore," Phil reprimanded playfully, grabbing a handful of snow off a hedge out front to throw at Dan. The snow was too fresh and soft to make an impact and landed lamely on Dan's back. Dan yelped, attempting to retaliate but failed to scoop snow off anywhere that wasn't frozen.

"I'm not trying to be charming," Dan pouted, a blush rising to the tip of his ears (it was the cold, he told himself). Dan wasn't an idiot, practically everyone had been flirting with him since the day he joined the school, so he had learned to not to take it to heart - and yet, with new revelations, he couldn't help but be on edge again. Obviously, Phil was just being his usual self and hardly meant anything special - Dan was almost disappointed that their dynamic remained the same as old after coming out to each other. He should just count his blessings that his roommate wasn't kicking him out anytime soon.

The snow had stopped in the morning, but it was still cold enough to settle - Dan was easily fascinated with making fresh footprints in the untainted white, despite Phil trying to forbid Dan from stomping into the neighbours' driveways. Shops wouldn't be open and the city centre would be dead anyway - so they kept to strolling around Phil's street.

"Your family seems very close," Dan observed, a small smile on his face as he was reminded of the Lesters' antics, "So why go to Chicheston? It's about as far as you could get, and you can't go home often." Phil shrugged, a neutral expression clouding over his features.

"When I was little I did go to prep school here, the same school that Martyn went to. But I was getting made fun of all the time - even Martyn couldn't do much to help and it was getting out of hand. So I just ended up changing schools in the middle of the year. Unsurprisingly Chicheston is the only school in the country always admitting students all year round," Phil chuckled, distracting himself with brushing little snowflakes off leaves. Dan took in a sharp intake of breath - Phil was obviously glossing over it, but the bullying must have been pretty bad if a child had to leave school mid-year. Dan wasn't at a lost of reply because he didn't know how to respond to such things - he accepted himself as a victim of bullying and it wasn't that bad (okay maybe it was, but the past is in the past). But he just wouldn't have imagined Phil Lester - the outgoing and assertive boy who made himself famous and popular in school, the boy who was confident in himself enough to create AmazingPhil, to have been in the same shoes as Dan himself. Humble beginnings was an understatement.

"Was it... do you think it was a  _gay thing_?" Dan asked, genuinely puzzled. Ever since he got over the hurdle of his sexuality confusion, everything about his life so far started to make sense and Dan couldn't help but believe his life has always been shaped by who he was. Dan realised how abrupt his question was, backtracking and chuckling nervously in attempts to ease the tension. "It sure was for me!"

"Nah, I think I was just plain weird. Still am," Phil laughed to himself softly, eyes crinkling in the corners. Dan noticed that Phil had been wearing glasses all day, unlike at school when wearing contacts seemed to be a ritual like Louise putting makeup on daily, no matter the occasion, even on weekends. Phil, with his tussled hair, all day square frames, and the genuine fond silliness he only reserved for his family, was a discovery to Dan. Dan learned that there was a still a slight gap to breach between living with Phil day to day, and getting to know Phil when he was actually at home and at ease. Phil looked soft and truly comfortable in his own skin when he wore his thick glasses, casually perched low on the bridge of his nose - Dan thought he looked rather dapper in a counterintuitive way, the focus directed to his blue eyes (Dan's favourite) more than usual. Obviously, Dan thought Phil was outrageously cute looking like this - he felt honoured to have witnessed this rare version of Phil.

"You definitely are very weird, I can testify," Dan smirked, laughing fondly despite himself. Phil was offended - Dan wasn't supposed to join in on the self deprecation.

"Hey!" Phil pouted, before shoving Dan into a pile of snow with no remorse. Dan couldn't manage to squeal before he stumbled and fell.

As promised, dinner was over Love, Actually on plastic trays - Dan had maybe surreptitiously cried a bit during the film, laughing wetly when he got caught by Phil lightly teasing him. Surprisingly, Phil's dad was the biggest sap in the family: Phil's mum made fun of him endlessly for it, whilst Phil swore off romance confidently, despite snuggling into the pillow anytime anything vaguely heartbreaking happened. Martyn was a good sport throughout the bickering, and was friendly enough to Dan too - but he excused himself once he finished dinner, climbing the stairs with his head buried in his phone. Dan was confused to see that the Lesters were totally fine with it, allowing Martyn his independence - the dynamic kind of reminded Dan of what he and his dad could have been. He did love his dad, despite the man being a bit awkward and stoic at times - but it didn't mean that Dan didn't want time and space to himself sometimes. The Lesters made Dan miss his dad a bit - but he felt comfortable here, Phil being the bridge between him and the family. Besides, Dan had no doubt that Phil's mum would probably agree to adopting him if he only just ask.

Dan resorted to hide in Phil's room to take a call from his dad. He was terrified of picking it up - it must have been the middle of the night now in Singapore, and his dad hardly ever called so it had to be urgent. Dan wondered how much did his mum tell his dad, how would his dad react to his surprise coming out - but also Dan should probably tell someone about where he was before his parents call the police on him. So he clicked answer after the third ring.

"Thank God! Daniel, are you alright? Where are you?" His dad's voice sounded unfamiliar over the phone - Dan guiltily realised he hadn't spoken to his dad ever since him leaving Singapore. He might have liked his independence, but it wasn't fair to worry his dad like that. Dan sighed, steeling himself for the dreaded conversation.

"I'm alright, dad. Merry Christmas, by the way. Uh... what did mum tell you?" Dan bit his lip worryingly, considering damage control.

"That you ran away in the middle of the night?! Well, Merry Christmas to you too. She didn't tell me much, as always," Dan relaxed at that, together with his dad who had now accepted that Dan wasn't lost or in imminent danger. Dan felt bad, but he was relieved that his dad was only mad at him for disappearing from the face of the earth. He couldn't handle his dad knowing the truth of his sexuality (and disappointing masculinity), at least not now.

"I'm so sorry, dad. She's just... a bit much. I had to get away. And the husband and the kid? Ugh," Dan ranted lightheartedly, pacing around Phil's room. He could just about hear Martyn's movements next door.

"I know, tell me about it. Where are you anyway?" His dad laughed over the phone, half exasperated but also, maybe just the tiniest bit amused by his dramatic teenage son's antics. Both of them could agree on Dan's mother not being a pleasant woman. Dan assured him that he was safe at his roommate's home and would find himself safe and sound back in Reading within the week, and got approval from his dad to "spend as much as you need" on his credit card of emergencies. Dan was relieved to hear that his disappearing hadn't kept his dad up and his dad was only caught up in work. (During Christmas, Dan reminded himself - he felt bad that he had left his dad to an empty nest of a family. Dan made a mental note to make it up to his dad somehow. Maybe a card or a Skype.)

Phil slipped into the room when Dan was just about to hang up, flashing him a small smile. Dan waved at Phil as he bid his dad goodbye. It was getting late - it started snowing outside again. Dan walked over to the window to take a glimpse. He could never get over how magical snow always was to him - it was like the British equivalent to Dan watching the twinkling lights of a city that never sleeps: mesmerising but also inexplicably melancholy. Phil's gentle voice guided him away from his wandering thoughts.

"We should get ready for bed - and then we could maybe watch another festive film on my laptop?" Phil was already pulling his sweater over his head as he said so, assertive as always. Dan gulped as the T shirt began to come off too, exposing the expanse of Phil's pale skin.

"Yeah, good idea," Dan muttered, eyes never once leaving Phil's bare back. Phil was lean but not skinny in the way that he had really visible collarbones and shoulder blades - which Dan could never stop staring at before he gets caught. Phil was obliviously rummaging through his drawers to find pyjamas, possibly for Dan as well. Dan blinked out of his trance, reprimanding himself. He had always thought of Phil as attractive - but Dan was suddenly hit with how fucking hot Phil Lester was. Dan hadn't let his thoughts wander that far before, not until now, when his bisexuality was somewhat normalised within his head (Phil's mutual coming out definitely helped) - Dan now had the liberty to ogle over Phil properly, as long as he didn't get caught. Who was he to deny himself of Phil Lester.

"You look great in those," Phil was laughing at him, eyes crinkling behind his glasses and tongue poking out, sitting crosslegged in the middle of the bed. Dan looked down at himself in Phil's Sesame Street matching T-shirt and pj bottoms - he hated how they fit perfectly and he didn't even have an excuse to get out of Phil's ridiculous, brightly coloured clothes. Dan pouted at Phil, who was still grinning at him like a goof. Dan distractedly thought of what it would be like to kiss Phil like this with his glasses on - the smallest corner of Dan's mind was filled with temptation to kiss the smug expression off Phil's pretty face. Dan rolled his eyes at himself, before calming his breathing to bring his heartbeat down. Dan didn't need invasive scandalous thoughts when he was about to curl up next to Phil for the next two hours watching Elf.

Dan woke up buried in Phil's colourful duvet - he blinked groggily as he processed his surroundings, slightly confused. Dan probably fell asleep in Phil's bed before the film was over, since he couldn't remember much after settling beside Phil to watch the film. The bed was empty beside him, and Phil was nowhere in sight - Dan fumbled for his phone to look at the time. He wondered if Phil was forced to sleep in his spot on the floor instead - Dan felt like an incredibly bad crashing guest if Phil actually had - but was even more startled by the thought of Phil having fallen asleep beside him in the same bed. Dan cursed himself for being such a deep sleeper - once he fell asleep, he was often dead to the world and would never had any idea did Phil crawl out of the covers or remain glued to his side throughout the night. 

Phil walked in, hair wet from a shower, greeting Dan as he stopped by the bedside table to scroll on his phone. Dan smiled meekly, feeling very awkward for still making himself comfortable in Phil's bed, swinging his legs over in true determination to get up.

"I'm sorry for stealing your bed," Dan offered dumbly, on his way out to follow Phil's suggestion to a shower. Phil shrugged amicably, drying his hair with one of his many towels (Dan couldn't believe he had even more towels at home, Phil Lester was unbelievable). Stupid Dan - he realised in delay when he was in the shower - he would never find out if Phil did sleep in the same bed as him or not. There was no point in knowing anyway, Dan comforted himself - clearly nothing would have happened and Dan wouldn't have remembered anyway.

Dan eventually felt like an outsider, when the Lesters did their ritual Boxing Day gift exchanging, sitting in the corner of the room quietly fidgeting as the family exchanged hugs and exclaims. When they were done, with Phil's dad already venturing outside to test out the "automatic snow shovel" that Phil and Martyn had both chipped in for, Phil approached Dan with a terribly wrapped Christmas present, making Dan feel even worse. It was Phil's original The Origin of Symmetry album CD - in its cracked plastic case and all - Dan loved it so much he knew he had to reject it. It was too much for Dan to take, after crashing his home and leeching on the amazing food in their house. Phil firmly shoved it into Dan's hands.

"Phil, you really shouldn't have! I feel so bad for not getting you anything now," Dan grunted unhappily to himself,  _'I didn't think we knew each other well enough and when I came here it was too late to get anything'_  going unsaid. Phil was insistent.

"Dan, you ran away from home on Christmas Eve. I think you at least deserved this," Phil deadpanned, squeezing Dan's hands in his. "Plus, I let you into my family - I might as well follow through."

"Okay. Thank you," Dan's voice was wobbly as he pulled Phil into a hug, mostly to hide his face from Phil. Despite the impromptu running away, Dan's Christmas was actually far better than if it had gone to plan. Dan was so, so glad that he had met Phil - he didn't know so much good could exist in the world until then.

Dan reluctantly bid the Lesters goodbye two days before New Year's Eve - his grandma had finally returned home and had hurried Dan to do the same in paranoia. The sensible part of Dan knew he shouldn't overstay his welcome - but it had been so much fun staying with the Lesters that he hopefully took it to heart when Mrs. Lester invited him to return next Christmas. Everyone hugged him before he left, even Martyn - and Dan was almost overwhelmed by the amount of unusual attention on him - the amount of love, for the lack of a better word. 

Phil was hardly as sentimental as his parents, clapping Dan's back cheerfully as they parted each other at the train station. After all, they were going to see each other every day again in a few weeks time. Phil did make Dan to promise to actually text him updates though, stern eyes boring through Dan's soul behind his glasses. Phil's glasses really were Dan's weakness.

Dan rolled his eyes, immediately typing out a text as he walked away from Phil.

"hi. i'm not dead, getting on the train now. happy now?"

"Very (blushing smiley emoji) (blue heart emoji)"

Dan stared at the heart graphic, blushing despite himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> snowy scenes is always a homage to *insert v day video references* x


	17. resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil both step out of their comfort zones in the new year.

"What happened to your hair straightener?" Phil asked a few days into the new year, noticing that Dan had stopped joining him in front of the mirrors during their morning ritual, opting to only quickly ruffle through his natural curls instead. Phil was debating whether he should loan his own to Dan to share between them. Dan shrugged, slightly self conscious as he reached up to tug at his hair. After two weeks of reflection at home in solitude (well Dan's grandma was there but she pretty much gave him independence all the time), Dan decided that he should give this change a go and hence abandoned his hair straightener at home as a last resort - it took a lot of struggling to make up his mind. He desperately needed a change, having been restless at home and plagued with his mother's looming threats, his self-accepted sexuality, and new revelations. Dan figured that an attempt in boosting his confidence in the new year would steady him a bit - his calming mechanism of binging AmazingPhil videos could only block out the real world to an extent, and his nan teased him all the time for it.

"Oh, I was just thinking I should try out this new look," Dan smiled meekly, feeling very awkward and unattractive. "There's no point straightening it anyway because I get helmet hair."

Phil considered Dan for a moment, making Dan uneasy under the scrutiny. He stopped in front of Dan on the way out,  to reach up and gently tug and tuck Dan's curls to better frame his face. The haircut Dan got in Reading certainly helped - his messy hair was somewhat contained now. Phil grinned once he was done, proud of his handiwork. Dan looked like the pretty boy he was supposed to be - he could probably audition for the next Netflix teen feature.

"There. You don't look that terrible now. Until the helmet gets you, anyway," Dan blushed at the tender gesture, turning away to grab his helmet and keys, just to avoid Phil's gaze. Phil was getting more understanding and accommodating about Dan's acute insecurity over his appearance now, letting Dan off from the teasing and replacing it with more genuine compliments instead. Dan definitely didn't take the change well though - he was always prone to a heart attack when Phil was suspected to be flirting with him (Of course Phil wasn't, Dan rolled his eyes at himself - just because Phil likes boys didn't mean he instantly fell in love with Dan with the revelation).

"Is Charlie's accident why you're so paranoid about bike safety?" Dan asked in faux casualness, blurting the question out before he registered how insensitive it was. Dan vaguely remembered PJ mentioning it as a cycling accident and his mind just ran from there. Phil was hardly affected, expression neutral as he peered at the breakfast queue.

"Yes and no; it was his own fault anyway. But I'm still taking the bike away from you if you're being dangerous. I don't want your life on me, dude," Phil complained seriously, brushing over the mention of his ex easily. Dan supposed he had truly moved on - Dan wasn't quite sure why he was more fixed on Charlie than Phil was: it was a confused mix of concern for Phil but also, maybe the tiniest tinge of jealousy. Their friends joined them in the queue and the conversation was deemed over. After all, they all still believed Phil to be in the dark about Charlie's amnesia - it was a secret between Dan and Phil and there was no reason to complicate things. Everyone was just glad that Phil Lester was slowly growing back into his usual, sunshine self. Life moved forwards as spring term began.

Dan was used to Phil missing dinner or disappearing afterwards by now - Phil had always been this hardworking, and work got more serious once they started spring term - so Dan didn't think much of it when he returned from a shower to find the room empty. However, when Dan overheard what sounded like Phil and PJ chatting outside their door animatedly, Dan couldn't help but get distracted from his Maths exercises. He wouldn't deny being slightly jealous - although PJ had always been the closest to Phil, Dan liked to believe that now that he was the only person Phil was out to in school, he was maybe promoted in the list of Phil's friends. Dan couldn't bear feeling left out, so against every fibre of his body telling him to just sit down and mind his own goddamn business, Dan wandered to the door and intruded them both with an obnoxiously bright smile.

"Hey guys! Hope you don't mind me joining the party," PJ genuinely didn't seem to mind, innocently laughing in return and waving at Dan, who had his head peeking out of the door. Phil, who was immediately behind the door and had been leaning on it, was initially startled, yelping before smacking Dan in the head in retaliation. Dan only then noticed that Phil was inexplicably dressed in his sports kit. The plot thickens.

"Dan, can you believe that Phil just went to the gym? You've changed our Phil," PJ teased, catching onto Dan's incredulous expression. Dan exaggerated his shock even further, squinting at Phil in mock suspicion.

"Me? I don't know this guy anymore. He goes to the gym?! Phil whom," Dan played along, expertly ducking before Phil could shove him for the jokes. Phil did not look amused, but tolerated their ridicule anyway.

"Nah, I know exactly who this Phil Lester is. He's buff, he's disastrously handsome, and he's ready to get twenty phone numbers from St. Trinian's girls like he did back in the year 10 dance," PJ wiggled his eyebrows at Dan, who, unbeknownst to this information, gasped at the scandalous tale. At this, Phil actually blushed, and not from whatever torture exercise he decided to go through this evening. There was always something new about Phil that Dan could uncover - finding out that Phil's a ladies' man made Dan's heart sink even further than it already had, to the point he couldn't really care anymore - but Dan was hardly surprised. After all, Phil was a catch, and Louise did say that he was easily the cutest out of all of Dan's friends. (She was only stating the facts.)

"Anyway, I gotta jump in the shower before you get there first so, sorry Phil. Bye guys," PJ excused himself when the laughter died down, ending his detour. Dan pulled the door open to let Phil in after an awkward pause.

"So, the gym huh," Dan commented with a teasing edge to his voice, watching Phil flop onto the carpet ungracefully in the space between their beds. Phil pulled his lips into a forced smile, unamused.

"Stop! I wasn't doing anything much anyway. Just sitting in the corner and pretending to lift," Phil thought his excuse was explanatory enough, but it didn't stop Dan from classing it as highly erratic behaviour from Phil. Dan rolled his eyes.

"Sure... for the girls?" (and boys, Dan didn't say.) Dan curiously wondered who was Phil trying to impress - he really wasn't the kind to voluntarily engage in any physical activity. If Phil Lester was the protein-shake-drinking health freak sort Dan might actually unsubscribe. Phil tried to convince Dan nonverbally with a stare - Dan, by default, now retaliates with an unamused pout whenever him and Phil held eye contact. Dan refuses to be that easily swayed anymore. Phil sighed, throwing his arms up in surrender, before groaning in pain and dropping them immediately. Dan cackled. 'Lifting' must've hurt.

"Okay! The truth is, I went to the gym only to hang out with certain people. More like talk to - hanging out is an overstatement," Phil said honestly, almost feeling sheepish about his explanation.

"Huh. Who?" Dan was confused, to say the least. Phil might have bid farewell to his antisocial phase in the new year, but going out of his way to socialise with people sounded drastic. Dan couldn't help but be offended that he didn't know of these  _friends_  that Phil had - he had to remind himself that he had only known Phil for a few months. Phil Lester had a life before Dan rudely intruded.

"Uh, mostly Churchill people? Joey Graceffa, Caspar Lee, Marcus Butler and that lot... Ryan Higa was there too. Jim Chapman, and Scott Hoying. I don't know those two very well though," Phil counted off the top of his head, making Dan's head spin with all of the names he was barely familiar with in the first place. Dan had no idea how Phil was acquainted with so many people from the year above - knowing of them was one thing, but Phil made it sound like he could actually  _talk_ to these people - it was all too bewildering and intimidating for the recently out-of-loser-zone Dan. He was barely used to having friends at all. Dan blinked at Phil, the  _why_ going unvoiced. Phil shrugged, already sensing the unending confusion on Dan's part.

"What if... what if I told you I'm thinking of maybe running for Head of House next year? ... Or... or even Head Boy?" Phil suggested timidly, sitting up to more properly gage Dan's reaction. "I was asking around. For opinions. For advice, I guess."

"Phil, that's great!" Dan yelled, eyes wide like saucers. "Yes, fuck yes! You'd be incredible at it."

"You're not the only one who gets a say," Phil chuckled, embarrassed by Dan's enthusiasm - but he couldn't deny that Dan's support had sparked his hope. "But you really think I'm cut out for it? Even Head Boy?"

"Well, everyone seems to like you, you're popular enough..." Dan considered for a moment, before sticking with what he knew best, "as long as you stick with the chatty vlogs. And the revision tips videos. And definitely the social justice rants, people like that."

"You're just asking for yourself, aren't you," Phil laughed, rolling his eyes good naturedly. Dan shrugged playfully - there was no hiding that AmazingPhil videos was his lifeline.

"But yeah, I totally support your decision. I would totally vote for you - even though you're not a ripped Churchill lad," Phil threw one of his towels at Dan before he left for the shower.

After that boost of confidence, Phil truly blossomed from whatever emo recluse Dan met him as to the social butterfly he was now - or at least that was what Dan told himself, that it was all his credit. Everyone could surely notice it as well - Phil Lester actually smiling and laughing, even saying hi to younger boys and the catering staff that no one else paid attention to. Phil was a force of nature of infectious cheer - but no one really gawked at it more than Dan did. Maybe Phil had always been like this - it just took the right person to pull it out of him. (Dan was flattering himself yet again.)

Dan knew for sure that the confidence was here to stay when one Saturday, after agonising in front of the mirror for a good twenty minutes, Phil turned to Dan with his fringe messily pushed up and asked Dan should he start wearing his hair like this. Dan momentarily forgot how to breathe. It was that exact moment when Phil Lester upgraded from a long term boy crush to certified heartthrob - Sugarscape approved. Dan felt himself die a little inside. Phil was still looking at him, puzzled - eyebrow arched, quiff high, eyes blue - Dan wanted to grab him by the lapels of his coat and melt into his kiss like in an 80s cheesy romance film. He blinked back to the real world, coughing awkwardly after minutes of choking on air.

"Yeah...? Maybe if you, like, made it more into a proper quiff?" Dan just about choked out. Phil had the audacity to smirk - satisfied with the approval, he returned to the mirror, taking Dan's advice. Dan resumed to sneak glances at Phil once he was sure that he wasn't in immediate danger of getting a heart attack. Dan had really enjoyed Phil's homely, glasses and ruffled hair look back when he crashed Phil's Christmas and took a preview of this - but this was an entirely different aspect of Phil's hairstyle switch. Phil was doing it deliberately, it wasn't just adorable bed hair anymore - Phil knows that he looked damn good like this, and he was using it to his advantage. To be entirely honest Dan was rather terrified by the power that Phil had over him - and yet he couldn't stop himself falling deeper into the rabbit hole.

Everyone riots when Phil debuted his new hairstyle - their friends, obviously, all of them couldn't stop fawning over Phil and telling him how dapper he looked. (Dan was convinced that at least some of them had to be pity compliments to encourage Phil's sudden outgoingness - there was no way Chris could ever genuinely be that nice.) Phil Lester was turning heads in the Stanley dining hall - even Tyler had to make an exception to flirt with Phil - just so Phil would know that his change was definitely noticed. It had never happened: Tyler and Phil were two opposites on the scales of popularity and for Tyler to acknowledge Phil like that, well. Phil had to be looking quite delicious. Dan felt very weird about the entire exchange, knowing what he knew. PJ couldn't help but slip in a teasing word, amidst of all this overwhelmingly positive attention.

"Has anyone noticed that Phil is like, a new man recently? Be honest, Phil, are you getting ready for a girlfriend? Because if you are I can introduce you to some people," PJ smirked, and the table went into an uproar. Phil was dumbfounded, lost for words. Dan felt secondhand frustration bubbling in him - it must be awful to constantly be assumed as straight. Or maybe he was just projecting.

"Hey, you guys didn't even bat an eye when I stopped straightening my fringe," Dan complained, a joke appearing in his head to console himself.  _It was a metaphorical coming out to say that I'm not straight,_ he didn't dare to say. Anyhow Dan had to be at least a little bit responsible for inspiring Phil's new fuckboy look. Chris frowned at him, before rolling his eyes.

"No one cares, Dan. Stop being so self obsessed, we've seen your hobbit hair since like week two," Chris deadpanned, making Dan gasp and slap himself in the chest in mock offence. Dan was indeed, slightly offended on the inside. It wasn't fair, they were friends with Phil for years and way easier on him than on Dan, the squad clown.

"Yeah. Shut up, Dan, before I make another feature film with the title: Pretty Boy of Stanley Rivalled! Phil Lester Makes a Comeback for His Throne," PJ described animatedly, whilst Phil blushed and laughed, clearly amused. Dan pouted - this bullying campaign against him was never going to stop, all because he wanted to stop hearing and thinking about Phil's rediscovered gorgeousness.

"I'm not gonna lie, PJ's right: at this rate Phil might even win Prom King, who knows," Jack chirped, munching on his bacon.

"Okay, now you've gone to far. No way," Phil finally spoke up, shaking his head in denial, after basking in the compliments the entire morning.

Dan was effectively shut up by that, looking blank as he pondered on the ridiculous idea of a 'prom king'. Dean helpfully filled Dan in on the details: they had a leavers' ball every year right before Easter break - curtesy to the annoying 0.01% population that did IB and started study leave early, Dean explained - but both years from the Sixth Form, and St. Trinian's girls were invited as well, so it technically wasn't a  _leavers'_  ball, and had taken to be called prom instead. Every year, a prom king was elected - anyone from any house was free to be nominated, there was no limit - but only one winner would be voted, and whichever house the prom king was from, gets a ridiculous amount of house points, and the prom king himself, bragging rights. It was a silly competition of popularity and maybe attractiveness on the girls' part, but no one had tried to scrap the Chicheston tradition, so it stayed. Dan hummed and nodded: the chance of Phil winning truly sounded slim. He was more excited at the prospect of a legitimate excuse to get dressed up and get drunk instead.

Dan realised that he was subconsciously competing against Phil to outshine him, reclaim Dan's usual attention maybe, out of bitterness for Phil driving him crazy - when he was losing his temper in front of a pile of wet laundry (some idiot had pulled his load out of the washing machine before it had drained), an idea dawned on him. Dan peeled out the black jumper from that he wore every day to school from the bundle, disgusted when the drenched garment dripped across the floor. Dan remembered owning another jumper - Tyler Oakley had bought one for him against his will, back when Dan had just started school. It was memorably baby pink. 

Dan pulled the pink jumper out of his wardrobe, considering it for a moment. Phil had his bright blue, PJ had his green - Dan wasn't going to be the most eye catching even if he did start wearing his pink sweater under his blazer. He knew that his hesitation was irrational - gender politics messing with his head and attacking his illusion of a masculinity. Colours didn't mean shit, Dan reeled himself. He even fondly remembered of a time when he would dress in pastel colours only - so why stop now? Dan found a deep rooted internalised homophobia that had been there for years: he figured maybe it was time to tackle it up front, to reaffirm his recent self acceptance. Plus, he would look cute. Dan actually wanted to catch everyone's attention now - he almost had to judge himself for being a completely different person ever since coming out (sort of. He's out to two people: Louise, and Phil, and his mum had opted to ignore whatever he said as a coping mechanism.) Damn Phil Lester stealing the limelight with his dazzling smile and stupid quiff. Maybe Dan could catch  _Phil'_ s attention as revenge.

No one really batted an eye, much to Dan's conflicted relief, when he turned up in his pink sweater one day and every day since. Tyler, the man responsible, was obviously happy to see Dan coming to his senses - even claiming that he always knew that Dan had the potential to be the soft twink he was transforming into now. Dan scoffed and turned to ignore him. Tyler was partially right though - in a pretty pink and his natural curls, Dan looked  _soft_. Phil, in more than one occasion, had casually mentioned that he "digs Dan's new  _cute_ look" - but always behind closed doors, because Phil obviously never took the spotlight away from himself when younger boys flock to him and fawn over  _the_ AmazingPhil. Dan was flattered nonetheless. Maybe being  _soft_ , being the dramatic, very non-heterosexual sensitive soul that he had always been wasn't that bad after all. Dan could learn to be comfortable in his skin like this.

Phil's motto of  _try new things_ wasn't just a silly catchphrase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this feels like a sorta filler? from now on time jumps might be more drastic just to,, ya know speed things up
> 
> shout if there's a gap somewhere that you'd like to be addressed!!


	18. taking back the throne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When faced with his old friend - bullying, Dan attempts for revenge by coming up with an outrageous idea to take the crown at prom.

Dan had almost forgotten what it was like, his life back in Harrow in Singapore seemed like a lifetime ago - the snickers, the unnervingly loud laughter, then comes a shove (it was usually from behind his back. Not a lot of people were tall enough to reach for Dan's shoulder, anyway.) But today, Dan wasn't the victim like he was so used to be - Thomas Ridgewell, his desk mate in History, was the one more or less being abused instead as the class sat and waited for their habitually late teacher. Dan didn't know them by names - they were Churchill boys, amusing over Dan and Tom's statuses as Stanley boys (the losers, basically), but there was also something else. They were targeting Tom in particular, hollering even more animatedly when Tom pointedly ignored them, refusing to give in and be a good sport. Or maybe he  _was_  being a good sport because Tom wasn't the kind to kick or bite back. Dan, by force of habit, ignored their existence as well, forcibly conversing with Tom as if nothing unusual had happened. But no matter how hard Dan tried, he just couldn't block it out - he closed his eyes and all he could see was the clan of white boys who used to sit behind him in the classroom in Harrow, and how miserable he had been.

"... You Stanley wankers are good for nothing, except maybe for being a joke huh. I don't know, maybe Tommy here might win something on Sports Day eh? Rolling to the finish line," jock number one snorted, his mates replying with loud cackles. Jock number two joined in - "Actually, I think Tom is perfect prom king material, am I right?"

Dan first excused it as competitive dominance going too far, just lads being lads. But the personal jabs at Tom made his blood boil, and before his cowardice could shove Dan's arse back on his seat, he already bolted up, turning to glare at the bunch behind them. Dan clenched his fist, ready to blurt out an entire speech in defence. Tom pried at his fist gently, trying to diffuse his friend with urgent whispers.

"Dan, just let it go; it's not like they're wrong, I  _am_ a fucking fat dude," Dan could not be tamed. He disregarded Tom's panic entirely, glaring at the group who had since shut up to watch Dan curiously, wondering how would the tall and skinny new boy try to clap back. Dan knew he had to earn Tom's some justice back, one way or another - not only as his friend, but for Dan himself too, for all the times when he had been too afraid to stand up for himself. Those days were gone for good.

"What makes you people feel so entitled and superior? Is it your absolute inability to be a fucking decent human being?" They were momentarily lost for words, blinking at this unexpectedly bratty pretty boy. Dan took advantage of the upper hand and braved on.

"And what's so surprising with Tom - or even anyone in Stanley, rather - winning prom king over you twats anyway? Because your ugly crusty faces are definitely way off from what Tom here has to offer," Dan puffed out in one go, panting triumphantly once he delivered his soliloquy. Tom all but yanked Dan back down onto his seat before the teacher arrived and class began. Dan flashed a winning smile to his side when the crowd behind them remained suspiciously silent. Tom looked vaguely annoyed, but also undeniably impressed.

"Did I sound like I was gay for you? I feel like it sounded kinda gay," Dan pondered a moment later, half serious but also half amused. Tom rolled his eyes at Dan, after a short lived impression of being flattered. Dan laughed to himself quietly, with his eyes still directed at the blackboard.

"Oh well, so what if I did sound gay," fuck it. Dan was feeling extra sassy today, and getting those people off him and Tom's backs had definitely lightened up his mood. It was worth a little sass.

Throughout the day Dan couldn't stop thinking about that blank threat that he had thrown towards those nameless Churchill boys. Realistically, he knew that the chance of Stanley winning the crown was slim - but Dan was a creature of spite (and maybe hidden competitiveness that he hadn't notice before) and now that the idea rolled off his tongue he was stubbornly attached to the idea. There must be a loophole somewhere that their house could manipulate - Stanley had been riding on a wave of surprises so far this year anyway. Dan didn't need Churchill to lose, he just needed Stanley to win as well, just to prove a point that they can - he wracked his brain for answers as he walked to Drama, day-dreamt in the library, distracted himself with the melting frost on his cycle back.

Dan played around the idea for a while, pondering on it again, when he ran into Tyler Oakley in the kitchen that night. (Dan was the kind of pretentious zen hippie that craved green tea every now and then, and it  _was_ cold, so sue him for always having a mug in his hands.) He wondered what Tyler would think about his frankly ridiculous idea - if Dan had to test the waters with someone, Tyler seemed the least judgemental out of everyone he knew. Plus, he was the Head of House and wanted to push their miraculously optimistic scores further more than anyone else - it was reasonable for Dan to run the idea through Tyler first. He gulped, coughing awkwardly to make his presence known. Tyler easily smiled at him, despite the tired eyes that shout  _save me from the hell of stressing over university offers._

"Totally random, but I was just wondering how many points do we get if someone from the house becomes prom king?" Tyler blinked at Dan, intrigued.

"Twenty points, why?" Dan's eyebrows shot up at that - he only got  _five_ for being best actor from the panto.

"Don't tell me you're planning on aiming for prom king. No offence, Dan, you are attractive, but there's still a long way to go. Only one person gets to win," Tyler chuckled, peering at Dan curiously. Dan didn't blush or falter - that wasn't his plan at all. Dan smirked.

"What if there was another way we could win at something... if there was another category somehow," Tyler squinted at Dan quizzically. Dan bit his lip, speaking on slowly.

"Call me crazy but... what if we crossdress to compete as  _prom queens_ instead? I mean, I don't know if the St. Trinian's already had something in place, but yeah. Just a thought," Tyler gaped at him incredulously as soon as the word  _crossdress_ escaped Dan's lips. He stood in the middle of the kitchen sheepishly, awaiting Tyler's response. Dan knew it was a stupid idea anyway.

"No, they scrapped it a few years earlier on because their FemSoc said it was  _pitting women against each other..._ Danny boy, you  _are_ cray cray!" Tyler laughed, pleasantly surprised and maybe just slightly teasing.

"Been watching too much RuPaul lately? I mean, no judgement, it's a crazy idea, but I could take it to the prom committee and see what they think... maybe you  _do_ have a chance now," Tyler winked at him.

"I don't even watch RuPaul!" Dan protested, before registering what Tyler was implying. "And no, I don't mean  _me_! We should get someone like, Connor, I don't know."

"Eh, we'll see," Tyler dismissed him, completely ignoring Dan's pleas after he had suggested the idea himself in the first place. Dan might have dug himself a hole here - but he was determined to get some justice back on Tom's behalf, and on Stanley's behalf. As long as he wasn't the one taking the crown.

Much to Tyler's surprise, Jim Chapman was actually on board with the idea (Tyler was convinced that he was probably guilty about the time he didn't stand up for Tyler when Tyler started dying his hair rainbow colours in year 10 and some of Jim's friends gave him a hard time for it. No one expected him to sit with them at the prefects meeting a few years later - Tyler never cease to rise up against all odds.) Tyler had to laugh and explain that  _no, he's definitely not precariously fulfilling his drag fantasies, it's just some silly boys in his house,_ and Jim had approved of it. As long as they explain to their sister school that no girls were being forced to compete against each other under the misogynic male gaze or anything like that. So a prom queen nomination was established, along with the prom king - and each would win their respective houses the same amount of points.

Once word got out, all hell broke loose - most people were excited to be entertained, to make fun of whoever would step up to this challenge; whilst others speculated who would even dare to at all. Tyler himself got pestered pretty often, ranging from friendly teases to sneers at the idea of him in drag: and no one even knew that he was the person who made it happen. Dan better actually step up to this, now that they had created so much noise - Tyler should've never taken that boy seriously, he was more trouble that he was worth.

The next time Tyler walked into Dan, he took note to grab him by the elbow and confront Dan before he could run away. Dan had half an hour free in the morning - they were waiting around for the coach to take them on what would be Dan's first school trip: it was for both Drama and English, something vaguely related to Shakespeare. Dan was just glad they got a day off lessons.

Dan blinked at Tyler, only looking the slightest guilty about having started this uproar in school in the first place. He knew immediately that Tyler was here to complain about his admittedly terrible prom queen idea.

"Dan! You better actually go through with this whole prom queen thing now, I've put my neck out for you," Dan looked startled, shaking his head profusely. Tyler sighed in great annoyance.

"You started this, Dan.  _You_ wanted us to win something, now you just gotta do it. No one else would even join you on the crazy, you'd be queen automatically. You just have to turn up," Tyler pleaded. His reign as a prefect so far had been a surprisingly smooth sail and he wasn't about to break that record only because he couldn't deliver on a promise and broke his trust with the Head Boy. It seemed that Tyler had trusted Dan wrongly - he had to put some sense into that boy, no matter what it took.

Dan dared himself to imagine that possibility for a split second, and didn't like what he saw at all. Him, being the only boy in a dress and makeup at fucking prom, suffering all the eyes on him and the voices around him, all because he went way over his head. At first Dan thought that taking a small step in tackling femininity, such as wearing his beloved pink jumper now, was going to lead him into the brave new world that he so much craved ever since coming out - but actually going to prom in drag was way out of his comfort zone. Not even close, Curiosity and condemnation aside, Dan wasn't even sure he would enjoy it at all, being all dolled up and unnaturally pretty. The glory, the justice (Dan still couldn't shake the fury at Tom's bullies), the crown - all of it didn't sound that tempting anymore. Dan knew he couldn't do it.

"As you said, no one would be doing it! You just need  _someone_ in the house to be the queen, it doesn't have to be me! Connor Franta should do it, he's  _the_ pretty boy, people would actually vote for him. Or... or Ben J. Pierce, he likes wearing makeup, right," Dan argued in panic, anything to shrug off responsibility. Tyler glared at him, unamused.

"Ben? Ben's only in year 9! And Connor's barely a year older... you really want to put them through what could be public humiliation? It's not gonna be easy, Dan, I don't think they can handle it. It's not fair on them. And we all know Connor's already struggling anyway," Tyler grimaced in the end, referencing how he was probably at fault for Connor's suspected not-heterosexuality being a worldwide known fact. Dan crossed his arms, defiant despite knowing that Tyler had a point. It wasn't fair on others to step up for the shit Dan had stirred.

"And you think  _I_ can handle it? I'm scared shitless, Tyler," Dan seethed through his teeth, slightly bitter about how Tyler was more protective over some pretty boys and particularly not him. Tyler stared back pointedly.

"I don't  _think._  I  _know_ you can do it, Dan. It was your idea. Are you really going to tell me there wasn't a tiny part of you that was prepared for this when you came up with it?" Tyler turned to leave as the bell rang, leaving Dan dumbfounded in the corridor. Phil was walking towards him as Tyler walked away, Tyler holding onto Phil to whisper a quick word into his side on the way. Phil watched Dan closely as he approached, clearly intrigued. Dan cringed - this debate of whether or not he should go for prom queen was getting out of hand.

Phil didn't address it until they had gathered, got their packed lunches and settled on the coach. Dan sat next to him, obviously. The coach rumbled down an A road when Phil whispered to him conspiringly, before Dan could plug his earphones in and block him out.

"Tyler said that the prom queen thing was your idea," Phil asked in curiosity as Dan sighed loudly and slammed his head into the headrest. Prom was a few months away - and he would probably spend the entire term being haunted by it.

"He said, you're being  _stupidly stubborn_ and that I should  _talk some sense into you_. You know, to go for it...?" Phil sounded as unsure as Dan felt inside, not judgemental but, not entirely understanding Dan's motive behind this either. Dan sighed again, not saying a word and being obviously defiant.

"Why did you tell Tyler to make it into a thing anyway?" Phil tried again, asking gently. In hindsight Dan felt incredibly stupid for acting on his impulse then. Why indeed. He looked out of the window dramatically, glaring at his own reflection to channel his anger towards himself.

"I... I'm not so sure. It was a stupid idea. I was just so desperate for a way for Stanley to win something, just to get back at these people. Uh, these people who were being a piece of shit to Tom. They're Churchill guys," Dan described vaguely, and Phil nodded, easily filing in the gaps with what he knew Tom had always had to deal with every now and then. Dan was hot headed, passionate, and undoubtedly idiotic at times; but Phil dared say Dan was just so slightly admirable for speaking up when he wanted to. He shot a small smile at Dan encouragingly.

"Well, don't you want to win twenty points for us then. And also serve justice for Tom," Phil coaxed. Dan pouted.  _Twenty points._ Phil knew the house system better than he did - he was possibly running for Head of House, after all - and knew that this would really give Stanley a head start. From what Dan had heard, Sports Day in the summer term had always been the nail in the coffin for them, and it wasn't hard to see why. Dan personally hated exercise, and he didn't think any of his friends around him were particular sporty either. Twenty points was a lot - but at what cost. Dan weighed in on the humiliation, the speculation, the attention - everything that he had tried to escape from his life back in Singapore. He wasn't sure would it be worth it, would he be able to reclaim his self confidence back, or lose everything he had worked building up. Pulling off a stunt like that, it had connotations - he might as well be coming out to the entire school. Kind of. Dan laughed at himself bitterly - he had already made the mistake of blurting it out of impulse in front of his mum, so what more could he lose, really.

"I want to, but not as much as I want to stay out of the spotlight. I'm so fucking scared, Phil," Dan opted to be brutally honest with him. Phil had to understand his inner turmoil, all the little complicated reservations that one got when in the process of coming out of the closet. They were in a boarding school, after all - Dan saw these people every single day, every waking hour. They would be there to judge him and say horrible things to him and, do even worse, if they didn't react in the way Dan wanted to. He had hit the jackpot when he got Phil as his roommate - but unfortunately Dan's world involved more people than just Phil Lester, no matter what he wished for. Phil clicked his tongue.

"Dan Howell, house panto Oscar winner, wants to stay out of the spotlight? Huh," Phil chuckled to himself sarcastically, earning an unamused hum from Dan. Phil shrugged half apologetically. "What are you so scared of, Dan?"

Phil was being a little shit - he had to know exactly what Dan was so afraid of. Dan took in a deep breath, annoyed. And maybe unwilling to verbalise it - all of the fears that he kept trying to convince himself was irrational.

Dan didn't want people to see him looking girly and pretty, and think that Dan was a certain sort of people. Or  _know_ what Dan was. There shouldn't be anything wrong with looking girly and pretty, Dan thought ruefully. He just didn't want to be seen.

"Well, if we really get down to it, I guess, I'm scared of  _looking gay,_ " Dan said honestly, not bashful to admit this much to Phil. Ever since their little heart to heart during Christmas, Dan found it easier than breathing to lay everything out on the table when it came to Phil (well, except for  _that_  one thing) - sure, Louise was incredible and had always been his best friend and offered a helpful outsider perspective, but she was also a straight girl who could only understand so much. Phil was always so perspective and smart and insightful - he had never let Dan down.

In reply Phil didn't say a thing, only hummed thoughtfully as he slumped into his seat. After a moment, Dan deemed the conversation over, finally plugging his earphones in. (Correction: he put one earbud in - part of Dan was still hopeful that Phil was going to say something next.) Dan opened his packet of Doritos and they shared it wordlessly.

"Hey, you mind me napping? Might lean onto your shoulder," Phil said casually, when there was no signs of them arriving anytime soon. (They were heading to London, after all - even the train took bloody two hours.) Dan hummed nonchalantly, despite his heartbeat spiking and every muscle tensing up - it was routine to every occurrence of Phil being in his proximity now. Phil grinned happily as he nuzzled into the nook of Dan's shoulder, his quiff tickling the side of Dan's neck. It was a comfortable position when they were so conveniently similarly tall, so Dan didn't really blame Phil. He was used to Phil being this tactile anyway, it affected Dan, but didn't bother him as much.

"You really don't mind? We could  _look gay_ ," Phil jabbed slyly, peeking to look at Dan, who huffed and rolled his eyes at the same time in return. Now this was deliberately flirting - Dan momentarily agonised over the dilemma of maybe smacking his friend hard on the head or leaning in to kiss him senseless just to get back at him. (Definitely not because of his own desires.) But he supposed Phil had a point. It was hardly enough for Dan to pull away from their comfortable cocoon though.

Dan and Phil had always been like this, ever since they sparked up this relatively new friendship - if people were to talk, Dan had nothing to hide. (Or that's what he told himself - it's not like he acted on his crush anyway.) Dan and Phil were both bisexual, and that was the undeniable truth: the truth was going to come out (pun unintended), sooner or later, no matter Dan wanted it to or not. He could, however, have a say on how it becomes known, before it was too late and all tumble out in a mess. Dan realised he maybe cared less about  _looking gay_  than he always believed himself to. 

But still, the fear was so real and settling in Dan's gut uncomfortably, when he entertained the idea of taking the crown like he had intended to - so he only grunted unhappily at Phil's comment, his body betraying him when it remained glued to Phil's side for warmth. They stay like that for the entire coach ride. It felt like eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i laughed at the prom queen plotline i outlined ages ago when i was going through my hana kimi phase - sorry guys i know it's ridiculous  
> i hope it's not problematic??? i mean i don't think it is but like looking back hana kimi is so cisnormative so i don't know


	19. heavy is the head that wears the crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Phil team up to conspire against Dan - or so Dan thinks, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight time jump warning ahead but unless you really wanted to know the unimportant details of dan's day to day life i just wanted to push the story forward. if you really wanted to know: dan probably spent his half term with louise catching up with her and ranting about his mess of a life.

After half term, prom preparations were properly underway - ticket money was collected, plans were finalised (after all, the upper sixths wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible, with life altering exams looming), and prom court nominations finally open. The popularity contest went wild - every other day a blanket email was sent to the entire school elongating the list of names. Locally, in Stanley, PJ was busy broadcasting social news on the common room TV, proud to be always the first to deliver rumours and live updates of predicted vote counts to the people of Stanley. Tyler Oakley was nominated, of course, along with most well known names off the prefect board, but almost everyone wasn't counting on Tyler to take the crown home. After all, it usually belonged to someone more representative of the ultimate lad ideal - someone like Caspar Lee, probably. To his genuine surprise, Phil was nominated by enough people to have his name submitted to the list as well - he was embarrassed by the flattery, but no one could deny how more people of all houses had taken a liking to Phil Lester lately, every since the AmazingPhil channel had been resurrected and was now thriving.

On the other hand, nomination for prom queen was still suspiciously silent - there had been a rumour that Troye Mellet would be the first to appear as an option to vote for, simply because he was, quite frankly, the prettiest face around Chicheston. The rumour was quickly quenched by the people in charge (Jim Chapman was always here to stop a mess, bless him), after the uproar it had caused - prom queens can now only be self nominated from this point onwards. Troye obviously hadn't want to do it, and definitely didn't like the attention when he was dragged into the spotlight - Tyler didn't appreciate that either. Tyler Oakley might be out and proud, but he still couldn't help but feel guilty every time someone around him got  _accused_ of being gay (and deep down Tyler really loved himself and knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, but still), and hence he always tried to steer away from anyone who tried to get too close. An all boys enclosed environment was hardly one for finding love anyway - no matter whether it was the hopeless, probably confused Connor Franta, or Troye, who Tyler had crossed paths with several times and really rather keep in the dark. Tyler felt like an army general picking his boys for the battle - but it was completely reasonable that Dan should take responsibility for all this. To protect those that he actually cared for, Tyler quite shamelessly would sacrifice Dan Howell for social suicide. Dan probably deserved it for being the new boy who just couldn't stop finding himself trouble.

It was a dirty move, Tyler would admit: he was the theatre club president, and very obviously the casting director for the upcoming Les Mis production. The school was definitely over ambitious with this one - Tyler Oakley was about the only boy around here who could qualify as a not so amateur in the field of music theatre, hence his involvement in the drama department, despite the show dates being a week away from Tyler's A Level exams. Conveniently, Dan Howell had been desperately auditioning for a part - that boy truly couldn't survive without theatrics, no matter in or out of his social life, and was determined to aim higher than before, after the boost of Best Actor. But Dan had been struggling with trying to snag Javert or Jean Valjean like he wanted - he was a pretty good actor, yes, but Dan's singing wasn't exactly up to par. It wasn't like Dan  _couldn't_ sing - and this was where Tyler came in and could use his influence to his advantage. (And the house's, of course - Dan wouldn't argue against that, right?)

So Tyler didn't hesitate to grab Dan in the theatre and pulling him aside after the second round of audition callbacks (it wasn't that they were that serious about a school production, everyone was just really  _that_ bad that they had to keep reconsidering which  _less bad_  singers to keep). Dan never looked pleased to run into Tyler these days, knowing fully well he was probably going to be talked into nominating himself for prom queen - but today he plastered on a bright fake smile in hopes of charming the casting director. Tyler grinned at him equally plastically.

"You wanted Jean Valjean, right?" Tyler asked, feigning casual as he flicked through his clipboard. Dan nodded enthusiastically, eyes glimmering hopefully at Tyler. Tyler smiled back cryptically.

"How about I make a deal with you?" Dan momentarily forgot that Tyler believed he was owed a favour, and was almost ready to agree eagerly, "You can be the lead if you go for prom queen."

"Nope. No can do. Forget about it, I can stick to chorus or non speaking parts, it's fine," Dan scoffed, turning to leave as if to make a point. The entire prom queen idea was a mistake - and he would rather die than own up to it. Tyler frowned.

"Come on, Dan, are you sure? Listen to me. I know drama means the world to you, and you probably want to apply to drama school next year, right?" Dan chewed on his lip, shrugging as an answer. To be entirely honest, he had never thought about his future after school until this moment - now that Tyler had mentioned it, it sounded like a shimmering possibility for the near future.

"Okay," Dan said, and Tyler didn't even have time to yelp in excitement before he continued, "only if I'm not the only one going for it."

Tyler groaned dramatically, feeling utterly defeated. Dan might as well have rejected him - trying to find someone else crazy enough to nominate themselves to public humiliation was impossible. Dan was too much headache for his worth.

Dan smirked in victory, already brewing up an exit clause as he watched gears turn in Tyler's head. Whether his terms were fulfilled or not, this would ensure Dan's escape from his beauty pageant fate. If Tyler somehow miraculously found someone else in the house to do it, the crown would go to Stanley anyways and Dan was obviously no longer needed, once he had a pawn in his shoes. Dan smiled to himself, patting himself on the back for his ingenious plan.

"What's the point anyway," Tyler rolled his eyes, clearly not amused. "Do you not want your precious lead part?"

"Yeah I do!" Dan argued, feeling rueful that he might have to give up on Tyler's offer.

"It's just, if I wasn't alone it would look less like a  _Dan Howell Freak Show_  and more legit, you get my point?" Dan's excuse was only half a lie. He really would have been way less intimidated if there was someone else to share the attention with him, however selfish that was. Tyler squinted exasperatedly at him, before turning away to his more important matters, deeming this hopeless negotiation over.

"I'll be back, Howell. I'm not letting you off yet." Tyler did an  _I'm watching you_  finger motion as he backed away into the backstage, leaving Dan alone (for now). Dan sighed, staring up at the stage lights blankly. Now that the idea was planted in his head, he was actually tempted to consider drama more seriously as a career now; and by Tyler's reasoning he really needed a leading part in the musical. Dan knew that he would never be happy doing some socially acceptable degree in some socially acceptably great uni that his grades no doubt would take him to - Dan didn't have much to be passionate about, and maybe his future in theatre was worth fighting for. Dan, deep inside, was almost relieved that Tyler hadn't given up on bribing him just yet. But right now being insecure in front of the entire school sounded like a bit too much than worth it.

Tyler Oakley and Phil Lester was one of the most unlikely friendships - but desperate times call for desperate measures, as it seemed. Tyler wondered why hadn't they been close friends for so long, not until when their mutual mess of a friend (to be fair Tyler mostly felt like an exasperated mentor over Dan) pulled them together by circumstance. Phil was helping Tyler count the votes they collected from a house meeting (it was something stupidly stressful like keeping the hot water in showers running till midnight, Tyler was an insanely bad Head of House for not remembering) - not a long time ago Tyler had believed that Phil would be a good successor to him, and it seemed like it rang true again. Phil was charismatic, good with people, and fought against unjust in his own, subtle way with the platform he had (unlike the chaotic Dan who comes up with weird ideas, goddamn it) - Tyler was sure that he could recruit Phil on his side to fix this mess, for the greater good of the house. Tyler filled Phil in on updates after the last time he made Phil try to convince Dan - Tyler was basically ranting to Phil as an outlet by the end of it. Phil listened attentively.

"Dan said that? He would do it if someone goes with him?" Phil frowned, unconvinced. "You know he's probably scamming you right. Once someone else goes for it Dan would pull out."

"At this point I don't know do I even care anymore, as long as someone does it," Tyler sighed forlornly. "At first I wanted Dan to take responsibility because you know, this is going to be a hot pile on whoever does it."

"Yeah," Phil winced, too understanding of the homophobic micro-aggressions that were hidden everywhere in their social lives. He was almost quite sure that Tyler himself would've signed up for this sort of stuff too, under more liberal circumstances - Phil didn't mean to stereotype but Tyler would probably agree. Phil thought about himself, of his own cowardice - and thought about Dan voicing his own fears before. Phil knew Dan way better than Tyler did - Phil knew that Dan was brave enough to honestly break up with his girlfriend when he knew something was wrong, and he had the courage to come out to his mother, then to Phil. Dan even embraced his more feminine side, despite his known obsession and insecurity over his looks. Phil knew that with the right push, Dan would eventually succumb to his own actions. Phil was convinced that maybe that push would do Dan some good.

"Don't fret, Tyler; I'll see what I can do. Either way, someone from Stanley is definitely taking the crown, I'll make sure of it," even Tyler couldn't resist that charming smirk, so sure of himself. Tyler nodded tiredly, smiling at Phil.

"Don't make empty promises hah. Unless you're thinking of being queen yourself, Lester," Tyler laughed heartily as he imagined the sight. "You have potential, but I think you're more suited for king after all. Maybe you would be crowned, who knows."

Tyler bumped shoulders with Phil playfully (shoulder to elbow bump was more accurate, Phil was a giant after all), which Phil returned a million watt smile at. Two could play at that game. Phil was never one to back down from boys casually flirting with him, the opportunity arose so sparsely these days. (Phil blamed Dan for snatching everyone's attention.)

"You flatter me, Tyler Oakley."

Phil confronted Dan a few days later, when he confidently had a strategised plan in place. Dan was innocently sorting out his notes, therapeutically hole-punching and stacking papers when Phil snuck up from behind, resting elbows on the back of his chair.

"You should nominate yourself for prom queen," Phil stated firmly, without room for arguement. Dan groaned, pausing in his task and not bothering to turn to look at Phil.

"I thought we had this conversation before: no, I am not going to," Dan announced resolutely, staring ahead. Phil rested his head on his folded elbows behind Dan, slightly breathing into Dan's space. Dan hoped that it meant Phil was close to giving up.

"Well, that was before the shocking news that you agreed to if you're not alone in this," Phil smirked in Dan's periphery vision. Dan clicked his tongue, unamused: he really didn't enjoy his roommate teaming up with Tyler Oakley to conspire against him.

"What if I told you... I've managed to make Connor and Benny agree to join," Phil announced proudly, making Dan whip around in surprise to look at Phil.  _That's great,_ Dan thought - it was time for his exit clause. But before he could voice it, Phil beat him.

"They agreed to join - only if you go through with it together," Dan groaned loudly, having been played by his own terms. He pouted at Phil, who had seen through Dan's cunning counterattacks long before. Phil smiled winningly.

"Ugh, why Phil? The whole point of them going for prom queen is so that I don't have to! What's your goal in this except to torture me?" Dan looked extremely unamused, retaliating Phil's classic icy stare with puppy eyes of his own. Dan was now more than convinced that Tyler and Phil were just conspiring against him and wanted Dan to be punished by public humiliation. It would be a bit too despicable of Dan to take back his own words and also refuse Tyler's offer on his lead part. But Dan still had the right to a tantrum.

"I only persuaded those two to join you so you'll be less lonely. Dan, you have to stop being a coward and own up to your own actions. Everyone in Stanley would be very supportive anyway, once they know how noble it is of you to get us another twenty points  _and_ prove a point to the people who wronged Tom, right," Phil batted his eyelashes down at Dan annoyingly. Dan huffed. It seemed that there was no room for negotiation on Phil's terms - after all Phil must have been pretty persuasive in order to make this happen. Dan knew exactly how much of a social suicide this move was: sure, Connor Franta might be a little drama queen, but Dan knew Ben J. Pierce well enough to know that Ben was hardly one to love being in the spotlight at all. Dan wondered how Phil did it, what he offered in return - maybe Phil promised them sufficient social protection. Phil had that kind of influence and power thanks to AmazingPhil - his content, being relatively safe for work (very predictable of Phil as a person) was well known amongst teachers and thrived despite the school keeping a close eye on it, which often gave Phil a chance to call certain things and people out and draw attention when he wanted to. No one really dared to cross with Phil Lester and his friends - most people would like to be on the good side of an audience of a thousand students (and staff) of Chicheston. Dan knew he was guaranteed protection from Phil too - for the first time of his life he didn't have much to be afraid of.

"You just want to see me all dolled up and pretty," Dan pouted grumpily, giving in but still determined to hold a grudge. Phil laughed heartily at him, eyes crinkling in the corners, clearly amused. Dan didn't understand why Phil was so set on shoving him outside of his comfort zone. "You know, I might not even win. It could be Connor. Or Ben."

"Nah, I have faith in you," Phil smiled warmly at Dan, moving to tuck a strand of curl behind his ear and cupping Dan's face as if genuinely admiring Dan's beauty. Dan dreamily blinked back up at him for a second, feeling hot all over - Phil's thumb was soft and gentle drawing circles on the side of his cheek. Dan hated how Phil always knew exactly how to get Dan weak and melting in his arms - Dan was convinced that Phil was doing this on purpose. Flirting mercilessly to manipulate Dan's poor bisexual soul.

"Is this how your  _powers of persuasion_ worked on Connor and Ben? You woo and flatter?" Dan asked skeptically, frowning and squinting at Phil once he broke out of the trance, although never making a move to pull Phil's touch away. Phil only chuckled casually, not acting guilty for having been called out at all.

"Trust me, if I knew this worked so easily on you, I would've just gotten Tyler to do it instead of going through so much trouble," Phil finally pulled away, but not before he booped Dan's nose to make a point. Dan flinched, waving Phil off.

"Ew no," Dan had to gag at the thought of Tyler trying to charm him into this - Phil pretended not to notice that Dan seemed to genuinely have a soft spot for him.

"Jokes aside, I really think it will be good for you though. Might work wonders for your self esteem. I just wanted to see you be happy - in the long term, of course, you're not talking your way out of this," Phil poked a tongue out at Dan. Dan blinked, lost for an answer - he didn't realise that Phil had known about and accommodated for his insecurity for so long. The prospect of putting on a confident facade and becoming prom queen was daunting, but if Phil thought it was good for him, maybe Dan should man up and be brave. (Ironic choice of words, but Dan truly believed it would take the most masculinity out of him to muster the courage.)


	20. god save the queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan becomes prom queen, and save all his dances for Phil at prom.

Phil had never really saw the appeal in Dan's baby face, ever since his annoyingly adoring, loud and lost roommate whirl-winded into Phil's life. Everyone raged over how "pretty" Dan was, making subtle comparisons of his features to a girl's - but Phil didn't see much past Dan's maybe above average doe eyes and soft cheeks. To Phil, Dan was just a white boy carbon copy of their friend Duncan. Phil definitely didn't find Dan anymore than conventionally attractive, not to mention pretty or  _beautiful._ Not until now.

Phil felt his lungs constrict in his chest. In the yellowish lighting of their room, Dan, with rosy cheeks and strawberry red lips, blinking up at him bashfully from his spot on their carpet, was a sight to behold. Phil couldn't remember when was the last defining moment when he was struck with the clear panic of sexual confusion. Phil gaped at Dan, but Dan had already turned his back on Phil again, not granting Phil anymore of a view than his side profile, a strand of curly hair dangling right between Dan's eyebrows. Of course, Phil wasn't actually confused about his sexuality - he had long gotten past that - but the thrill of being surprised by how his heart could momentarily halt at the sight of someone so extraordinarily beautiful, elegant, confusingly androgynous - it feels new every time. Phil patted himself on the back for having successfully coerced Dan into this - maybe he did have ulterior motives behind it after all.

The last few weeks of spring term had been crazy - between the upper sixths getting wound up over looming exams, and the uproar that was inspired by the news of Connor, Ben and Dan being nominated for prom queen, Stanley hadn't seen a day without unrest up till the night of prom. Properly dressing up in drag would enquire a lengthy prep session, of course, and the younger Connor and Ben would rather die than be taunted and humiliated by their many roommates - hence why they were camped out in Dan and Phil's room in the late afternoon of the day of the ball right now, transforming the tight room into a chaotic beauty pageant backstage. Phil was possibly the friendliest (and unthreatening) guy in the house, and Dan was in trouble as much as the two other boys were - so Connor and Ben didn't hesitate to make themselves at home at all. The three of them had formed a weird sort of solidarity alliance over the gossip that surrounded them wherever they went - the younger two weren't pleased that they were basically dragged into this by the troublesome Dan Howell, but Ben had always looked up to Dan like a brother despite his flaws and had quickly forgiven him. Phil was even surprised to witness a bizarre, grudging sisterly bond between Connor and Dan, as if their feud over the title of "Stanley's pretty boy" (and Tyler Oakley, Phil suspected as much) was long behind them. Phil was just glad and slightly impressed that Dan manage to finally make friends instead of enemies.

(These days Connor was much more civil and friendly to Dan than before - it was unnerving, if Dan were to be honest. When they had gathered to pick out dresses from ASOS, Connor conspiringly told Dan that Phil  _sure cared a lot about him,_ the confusing revelation completed with a wink. Dan had no idea what it meant, of course, never really knowing how did Phil manage to negotiate with both Ben and Connor, what Phil said behind his back. Dan knew very well that Connor was in on the secret that Dan was hopelessly head over heels for Phil though - and blushed madly at Connor's remark.)

Ben J. Pierce, as a thirteen year old atypical boy, was far braver than Dan ever was - it was obvious that he was clearly familiar and talented in the art of makeup, and although he didn't wear makeup often, he wasn't scared to flaunt his artistry every once in a while. Dan sometimes wonder would he have blossomed like Ben if he were raised in an environment like Chicheston instead. Obviously, Dan and Connor counted on him to make them over. Dan requested for a minimal mascara, blush and lipstick look, veering away from Ben's usual theatrics of blended eyeshadows according to the colour scheme of his entire outfit, the season they were in and the positions of the stars (which he was sporting beautifully tonight) - whilst Connor refused any colour on his face entirely and was only touched up by glittery highlights and contour. Dan squirmed, sitting on the carpet as he got his makeup done, nervous to see himself in the mirror looking less masculine than he ever had for his entire life. (Man up, Dan reminded himself - it was an ironic but necessary mantra to keep at times like this.)

Dan regretted once he turned to check his makeup with Phil, who was quietly lounging in the other end of their room, before Dan had seen himself in the mirror. Phil stared at him for a moment, gulping and seemingly out of words suddenly. Dan worried if that was a good reaction or not - he hastily turned back to Ben and away from Phil's attention. Ben was packing up his products back into a pencil case, cleaning up the sprawling mess they've made under Dan's bunk. Dan picked up his phone to inspect himself on the front camera - he could barely recognise the boy staring curiously back at him, although the makeup had been minimal by Ben's standards. Dan looked fancy and sophisticated - like a complicated rich woman - although Ben didn't bother to conceal his boyish eyebrows and deep set eyes. Dan was toying with the boundaries of the gender binary more than he ever imagined he could ever pull off. Dan decided that he wasn't comfortable, but he loved it nonetheless. He looked  _nice_ , albeit a bit silly still in a tattered T shirt with an all dolled up face. He thanked Ben sincerely, still turning his chin up and around delicately at his ad hoc mirror to admire Ben's handiwork.

Ben changed into a bright orange jumpsuit that matched his eyeshadow, more comfortable in his attire than his other two comrades. Connor, in stark contrast, picked a risqué floral dress with a shorter skirt than Dan had seen on most girls - Dan wouldn't have dared to be caught dead in that outfit ever: he thought his thighs were too big for that. Dan couldn't deny that Ben and Connor looked cute in their outfits - he was even starting to doubt the security of the throne that was supposedly his. Dan himself opted for something that showed way less skin (and he didn't have much choice in the first place due to his size anyway) - he found a black, (just ever so slightly) off the shoulder long black dress with sheer long sleeves and sexy little slits at the sides of his thighs. Dan was body conscious, in drag or otherwise - he admired girls for having to dress in stuff like this everyday now.

Dan kept stalling changing out of his comfortable dressing gown attire - he knew his insecurities were irrational, but the nerve from putting on the dress, in addition to getting mostly naked in front of Ben and Connor (who were nice people, but not really close to Dan. Dan hardly even appeared shirtless in front of Phil), made Dan procrastinate as usual. Phil took pity on him and shooed the two boys away, claiming that  _he_ needed to get changed without an audience instead, already more than familiar with Dan's shyness. Connor and Ben grudgingly obliged, promising Dan to meet him at the ball. Phil took out his suit under the pretence of actually busying himself with getting ready, leaving Dan to his own devices. By the time Phil was putting his tie on, Dan finally managed to bypass his internal struggles and put the gown on.

"Phil? Come help me please," Dan asked weakly, worrying over himself in front of their full length mirror. Phil stepped closer to find Dan's bare back exposed to him, Dan reaching (and failing) to zip the dress up. Phil wordlessly held the seams together carefully and zipped it up in one fluid motion. Dan huffed, happy that the dress wasn't too constricting. He stared at himself in the mirror - he looked ridiculously feminine, but also undeniably classy. Dan could live with this for one night, he convinced himself, pouting into the mirror grumpily.

Phil joined Dan in examining his reflection in the mirror, staring at Dan intensely from behind him, with hands gently resting on Dan's hip after zipping up the dress. Dan's breath faltered slightly at the touch, but mostly at how Phil was gazing at him through the mirror - Dan would've said something but his throat was all clogged up.

"Stop worrying; you look beautiful," Phil whispered earnestly, voice void of any sarcasm. Dan found it even harder to speak, gawking at Phil's sincere compliment and the scrutinising attention. Phil couldn't stop staring - his heart was lurching at a similar pace as Dan's. The room was suffocatingly quiet and the air thick with anticipation, although Dan wasn't quite sure exactly what he was anticipating.

"Ben really missed an opportunity when he didn't put that glittery highlighter here as well," Phil laughed, slightly breaking the trance as his hands fleeted upwards to thumb Dan's barely visible collarbones. Dan didn't stop hyperventilating (not obviously, of course, that would be very embarrassing), blinking dumbly at himself as he relished in Phil's touch. Phil was being extra flirty and touchy tonight - Dan couldn't decide was it boosting his confidence or making him more nervous than ever.

The moment was over before Dan knew it - Phil backed away to put his tie on, and Dan smiled when he spotted Phil's choice. It was a sky blue tie with tiny little orange corgis on it - Dan had gotten it for Phil as a belated Christmas/birthday present, after feeling insanely bad about Phil overdoing himself as a host during Christmas. Phil had proclaimed that he loved the gift, but Dan didn't get a chance to see it on Phil with his own eyes until now, since Phil didn't exactly have an occasion to wear it. Phil looked suave as always, the perfect blend of effortlessly cool and authentically dorky with his tie at the same time - he was already the king of Dan's heart, prom king or else.

Dan struggled into his chunky black wedge boots, regretting immediately once he stood up and started wobbling. He shouldn't have succumbed to the temptation of wearing heels - he didn't have much choice with big feet and these ones he ended up wearing weren't even as elegant as he envisioned his entire orchestrated outfit to be. Phil chuckled at the sight sympathetically, offering an elbow dramatically for Dan to loop an arm into. Dan was hardly too proud to oblige - relieved to have Phil as his walking stick (and arm candy, of course). With a deep breath, they stepped out of their room linking arms, slowly descending the steps of Stanley and getting scrutinised by everyone. The younger boys were mostly awed and cheering - no one dared to cross paths with Phil Lester, after all, and many admired Dan for the sacrifice for the twenty house points that were surely in their grasp now. Dan and Phil looked striking as a couple, and Dan was more than glad that he had Phil beside him - at least the attention wasn't all on him, and the murmurs around them seemed to be more positive than Dan expected.

Dan already had to stop for a rest immediately after stepping out of the house - heels might look cute but they were definitely not worth the effort. The ball was set up in the massive atrium in main school - Dan and Phil had a very long way to go from Stanley. Phil laughed as Dan groaned, patiently waiting for him to recover.

"Can I be really vain and say let's take a selfie?" Phil asked cheekily, not really giving Dan room to answer as he pulled out his phone and leaned closer to Dan. Dan pulled an unsmiling selfie face as Phil snapped some photos of them, inspecting them afterwards. Dan grudgingly asked Phil to send them to him - he wouldn't admit it, but they did look good tonight. Phil smirked at Dan. "Let's go pretty boy."

The open air atrium was now transformed into a massive marquee, covered by multicolour canopies draping across the courtyard. The sun was just setting and the entire space was decorated with string lights and candles. There was some sort of a stage and dance floor set up in the middle, surrounded by ad hoc little coffee tables and stools that were supposedly enough to accommodate all of Chicheston and St. Trinian's sixth form students. The corridors surrounding the courtyard were equipped with a buffet of sweets and more importantly, what Dan heard to be a free flowing Prosecco bar (it was Tesco branded, Dan was told). Dan could never get used to the low drinking age in the country - it was one of the only merits of ye olde England. Once they arrived and joined their crowd of friends, everyone took their turn fawning over Dan. Tyler almost turned Dan and Phil's appearance into a dramatic entrance by sprinting across the hall to sqawk at Dan's look, catching everyone's attention in the process. Dan didn't say much to everyone except blush a lot and sit in the corner, quietly sipping on the one glass of white wine that they were allowed.

It was the upper sixth's sort of leaver's ball after all - the night started with a round of very serious (and emotional) speeches delivered by Jim and the other prefects, before the annual event of theatrics and ridicule was carried out - announcing the prom royalties. Not surprisingly, a lower sixth from Churchill (Marcus Butler, Dan didn't really know of him and didn't care to) was crowned Prom King, amidst all the rowdy cheers from his friends and a considerable amount of St. Trinians girls screaming. A blonde girl ran up on stage to tackle Marcus as photos were taken - Dan wondered if that was his girlfriend. One of prom's main purpose was to  _socialise_ with the St. Trinians, after all.

Dan was half pushed, half ushered onto the stage along with Connor and Ben as the crowd started hollering. The girls' screams were deafening, although Dan could see Louise in the crowd cheering the loudest (and snapping photos on her phone all the while, damn her). Dan couldn't understand why were the girls absolutely losing their heads over three puny boys taking over their usual spot - maybe they're enjoying the reverse misogyny, or this was some dark fantasy fetish teenage girls were into these days. Anyway Dan didn't really want to know - he just rather obliviously relish in the temporary love right now. The Stanley boys wolf whistled loudly, with PJ in front of the crowd documenting the whole process for later broadcasting. Dan pulled a face at PJ's camera, whilst the two younger boys beside him squirmed under the spotlight with shy smiles. It took Jim, the MC of the night, to put all the commotion to an end.

"Okay guys, calm down. It is now time to announce our prom queen of the year. So this is something that we haven't done a while now, and uh, what's about to happen is going to go down in Chicheston history. Who will be Chicheston's first queen?" Jim pointed the mic into the general direction below the stage, trying to create suspense. Obviously, Stanley boys cheered the loudest: they were bound to win by circumstance, since there were no candidates from other houses.

"The prom queen of the year is... Dan Howell!" As soon as Jim shouted the announcement, Ben and Connor rushed in to push Dan into a sandwich hug, Louise and Dan's friends screamed their heads off, and a plastic crown was shoved onto Dan's head waywardly. Everywhere Dan glanced at, people were screaming at him. He actually felt like a beauty pageant queen. Jim handed him a plastic trophy, and Dan waved it in the air, grinning widely at the cohort of his Stanley pals, before bowing dramatically with a flourish, curtsying with his skirt lifted.

"As usual, this grants Churchill... and Stanley, twenty house points each. Have the greatest night of your life everyone!" Finally everyone was shooed off the stage, and the music began. The drama was deemed over as everyone started mingling and heading to the food and beverage. Once off stage, Connor and Ben congratulated Dan excitedly, squealing and laughing at the adrenaline they shared. Even Connor, who was pouting and complaining lightly that he should've won, cooperated and posed for photos whilst they were still dressed up silly - it was a rare occasion, after all. Eventually the two younger boys excused themselves, finding it awkward to crash a sixth formers' party (and in drag, no less), so Dan let them go. Dan continued on a journey of being congratulated by his friends and surprisingly posing for a lot of photos - Louise wanted an entire photoshoot (for blackmail, of course).

When Dan was no longer swamped with an overwhelming crowd of admirers, he made sure to make his way to Tom Ridgewell next. With a plastic champagne chute in hand, Dan felt like he was doing toasts table by table.

"Hey, do you remember that time in History when these douchebags said you were never gonna get a crown? Well, here you are," Dan pronounced seriously as he plucked his plastic accessory off to place it onto Tom's head instead. Tom was initially confused, but soon touched beyond words, engulfing Dan in a bear hug. Dan chuckled with a blush and left Tom to his friends once Tom started loudly proclaiming his undying love for Dan. Maybe this was worth it after all - Tom was so happy.

"You're not gonna ditch me because you don't want to stay in your dress like Connor and Ben right," Phil asked, a while into the night when it was just the two of them perched on two stray stools in the corner, happily munching on chocolate fountain marshmallows. Dan smiled, and shrugged - he was still feeling rather self conscious, although he was only received with welcome and no hostility at all so far. Their friends had since abandoned them to chatter with girls, or even, god forbid, join the dance floor after a few drinks. Dan laughed heartily as he spotted Jack failing to impress a girl with his supposedly seductive moves, obviously having a bit too much free flowing alcohol to drink. Dan's mind was starting to get light and hazy from the cheap booze too - it reminded him of their time in Reading. Dan grinned goofily to himself at the thought.

"You're not going to go hang out with the girls like everyone else is? That blondie over there has been eyeing you for a while now," Dan said conspiringly, ignoring the little thump in his chest at the thought of Phil getting some action with a pretty girl (instead of staying by his side). Phil chuckled, never once leaving his seat.

"I think I'm fine, I'm enjoying the one and only prom queen's company right now," Dan's scowl only faltered when Phil reached to clink glasses with him.

"But Dan, we really should go dance sometime tonight," Phil's ultra blue eyes were always difficult to ignore when they were shimmering in low light, like under the string lights right now. Dan could never deny Phil like this.

"Okay, fine. But only after I finish my drink, I'm not drunk enough for this." Dan offered. Phil quickly chugged his wine, hurrying Dan to do the same. Dan eventually did and stumbled into the crowd in the middle of the courtyard with Phil, giggling when he almost tripped over his own feet in those goddamn high-heeled boots.

It was properly dark as the night went on - Dan didn't remember seeing much except for Phil's eyes close to his own, always glimmering in the darkness. The live band had a bass that was always too loud, and Dan sang along (shouted) lyrics that he didn't really know. At one point, Dan grabbed Phil into a sloppy hug when he almost fell on his feet again, laughing bubbly with cheeks flushed from the wine in his system. After that, Phil's hands never left Dan's shoulder or waist, always guiding and steadying him gently as they messily swayed and bopped to the cheesy tunes the band was playing. Phil was as bad a dancer as Dan was - but Dan didn't really care much in the state he was in - he was having the best time ever with Phil in his hands, and he never wanted to let go. Every catchy anthem that was blasted around them about some preppy teenage romance seemed to ring true in Dan's hazy meddled mind as he sang along loudly, foreheads touching Phil's. Dan didn't know what love was, but he swear he had a taste of it in that moment.

The ball ended earlier than everyone had wanted to - soon it was midnight, and the band they hired were packing up to leave. Dan and Phil's pals were nowhere to be found since long ago - some had disappeared with St. Trinians for an extended night of promised sin and trouble, whilst most had already retreated back to house for the night. When the venue went pitch black, Dan was lying on the ground, unwilling to move, pouting up at Phil who only pulled a face at him, unamused. Phil evidently could hold his liquor better than Dan - he looked tipsy, but was definitely still somewhat put together. 

In the end Dan took his cursed shoes off and was rendered barefoot in the chilly April midnight air. Phil offered a piggyback ride, which Dan happily obliged to, letting out drunk hiccups once he was settled on Phil's broad back and they were moving way quicker than before.

"I hope I'm not too heavy. I'm kinda impressed you haven't dropped me yet, actually," Dan whispered loudly into Phil's ear as they passed the fields, empty except for the two of them. Phil chuckled, squirming slightly from Dan's breath tickling his ear.

"Don't forget that I  _lift_ , Howell," Phil said, lowering his voice to be as husky as possible, cackling slightly drunkly when Dan shivered in surprise. Dan was a steady and squishy source of warmth on his back - Phil could hardly complain about this workout at all.

"Wait wait wait, let's get a selfie," Dan wailed suddenly, breaking the short lived silence. They  were so close: Stanley was in a visible distance now. Dan's hand fidgeted around his grasps at his shoes in front of Phil's chest, before he got a good single hand grip on his phone, all whilst still safely plastered on Phil's back. Phil bounced Dan upwards slightly in his arms just to make sure he didn't fall, pausing his walk as Dan stretched his phone in front of them to get a good angle. Dan squished his cheeks next to Phil's as the camera clicked, the screen flashing white several times and blinding Phil slightly. Dan pulled his arm back, wrapping it securely around Phil's shoulders again as he squinted at his screen to admire his photography.

"Perfect," Dan slurred as he leaned his head on the back of Phil's neck again. Dan's phone was clutched in his hand, too far back to be in Phil's line of vision. Phil just took Dan's word for it.

Dan was flopped onto Phil's bed once they finally touched down safely their room - Dan's bed was obviously unaccessible high up beyond the ladder, and Phil would never risk it with an impending wave of tipsiness surging over him. It soon proved to be a mistake - Dan was a boneless pile of limbs once he hit Phil's mattress and refused to even blink an eye, no matter how much Phil cooed him. Defeated, Phil gently manoeuvred Dan around the bed, tugging him in; he even went the lengths to dab at Dan's skin with the makeup wipes that Ben had thoughtfully left for Dan. Dan smiled innocently as his skin was brushed softly by mysterious material, keeping his eyes closed the entire time. Phil stood helplessly beside his own bed, watching Dan snore softly into  _his_ pillow once Dan's face was acceptably void of mascara.

Dan, quiet and unconscious, rather resembled a sweet little angel who was sent to pull Phil out from the rubbles of his heartbreak instead of the whirlwind disruption that he actually was to Phil's life. Phil reached out to ruffle Dan's curls gently, smiling to himself when Dan relaxed at the touch. Overwhelmed with a fondness in his chest, Phil impulsively leaned in to plant a featherlight kiss on Dan's forehead. Dan's nose twitched, but otherwise continued in his comfortable deep slumber. Phil sighed in relief, pointedly ignoring his confusion at his own unpredictable gesture. Sheepishly, Phil struggled and crawled up into Dan's bed for the night instead, once everything was settled and Dan was safely tucked in. Phil fell into a dreamless sleep engulfed in the familiar scent of Dan's washing powder.


	21. distance makes the heart fonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some phone conversations between Dan and Phil during the holidays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> transition filler chapter ahead! (drama will ensue v soon in coming chapters tho don't worry)

Dan woke up feeling groggy, still in his dress, and realising with a start that he was rolling over in Phil's bed. His throat was dry and a headache was growing at the back of his head - not enough to hurt, but Dan was uncomfortable enough that falling back asleep wasn't an option, despite him feeling absolutely shattered. Dan scrambled around in Phil's bed to find his phone - it hadn't fallen far from where Dan had been clutching it in his hand. Habitually, he unlocked his phone like any other morning - he was met with a blurry, heart wrenchingly adorable selfie of him and Phil's faces squished together, Dan seemingly strangling Phil with his free arm. Dan laughed, startled by the photo, just before his phone died with the 2% battery it had left. At the noise Phil sat up abruptly in Dan's bunk, looking equally dishevelled but slightly more awake than Dan. Dan felt bashful for the weird role reversal, for having apparently stolen Phil's bed, and grinned at Phil awkwardly. Phil quickly scurried to climb down the ladder.

"Uh, how do you make your bed up here?" Phil chuckled to himself, giving up after trying to somehow tidy Dan's covers. Phil landed marginally safe on the ground, hopping off the ladder.

"Simple. You don't," Dan managed to choke out, surprised at how scratchy his voice was. He really needed some water, like, two hours ago. Dan winced when he tried to swallow.

"What were you laughing at just now?" Phil asked casually, already springing into action with getting ready and packing. Right, Dan had forgotten that Phil was going home on the first day of their easter holiday: his train was at 12. Dan smiled meekly, struggling to sit up himself too. It was too much effort - he immediately collapsed back into the comfort of Phil's mattress.

"Oh, I just found selfies from last night. What a nice surprise," Dan said, chuckling to himself again. Phil peered at him, alarmed.

"Oh wow, did you not remember last night? Here, have some water," Phil hurried to pass his water bottle to Dan in the fashion of a worried mother. Dan gladly reached for it, gulping hungrily and instantly feeling much better.

"Nah, I remember everything, I think... I made you carry me back right? Oh god. Yeah, I remember now, it's just all a bit hazy," Dan announced, but Phil still looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, clearly unconvinced. Dan didn't sound like he was very conscious of last night - Phil wasn't sure should he be relieved, thinking about how he overstepped last night. He made a mental note of calculating how much Dan had to drink for future reference.

"That is... low key worrying. I usually need much more to drink before I completely blackout," Phil said, trying to lighten the mood. Dan only laughed weakly, still unwilling to move from his blanket burrow. Alcohol was still a relative stranger to him - thank god he had Phil to watch his back as always. Dan was touched to realise that Phil probably was responsible for removing his makeup - his heart swelled with fondness at the thought.

Too soon for Dan's liking, Phil had to leave for home (whilst Dan was still comfortably wrapped in Phil's duvet, body aching everywhere inexplicably). Phil wasn't bidding a tearful goodbye per se, but he was obviously reluctant to part with Dan as Dan was pulled into a long, bone crushing hug.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come with?" Phil attempted to joke, referencing to his mother's overenthusiastic invite from several weeks ago. Dan laughed into Phil's neck, shaking his head gently.

"Nah, the train's a bit too expensive. Have a good easter, Phil," Dan said earnestly, lightly holding Phil's head in place behind his neck to take one last stare into Phil's eyes. They were always so blue, Dan amused himself. Phil left the room with a little wave, smiling at Dan ruefully.

"Call me sometime, Dan!" Well, that was new. Dan stared at Phil's Adventure Time poster, feeling empty at the sudden silence in the room. Something between the two of them had changed, but Dan couldn't quite place his finger on it. He missed Phil already.

Dan's nan came to pick him up in her car on the next day, and Dan was plunged into the peaceful solitude of his home once again, this time for a long six weeks. Dan knew that he should appreciate the break away from his hectic school life, and enjoy the rare quality time he got to spend with his grandma, but Dan couldn't help but feel bored and lonely soon after a few days. Louise had to fuss over her AS exams if she ever wanted to keep her place at Liverpool, so barely had time to entertain Dan. Dan knew that he should be busying himself with preparing for his actually important Maths papers, or trying to write his showcase for Drama - but he just couldn't be bothered and there was so much time on his hands! Dan was almost pathetic enough to commit himself to another AmazingPhil marathon - that was how bored he was (and how much he missed his roommate, of course).

Phil ended up calling him first, which made Dan's over-worrying clingy self feel marginally better for missing him so bad. It was an otherwise uneventful afternoon, a few days before Good Friday.

"Hey, have you started doing any Maths past papers yet? I'm just doing C1 papers and I'm already stuck, oh my god," Phil groaned over the phone, as if out of the blue phone calls were a normal occurrence for the two of them. Dan usually hated phone calls - he hated being put on the spot, and being over the phone just meant more opportunities for misunderstandings, given how socially awkward Dan was - but he couldn't deny how relieved he was to hear Phil's voice again, despite it being slightly distorted. Dan had already committed all of AmazingPhil's lines to memory and the real thing was a refreshing change.

"Uh, of course I haven't."

"Okay genius. But please help me, how on earth am I stuck on every single question?"

"Have you tried the mark scheme?" Dan's laugh was as obnoxious as Phil remembered, but Phil couldn't help but laugh exasperatedly with Dan too.

"Yes, but it makes no sense."

"Wait up. Which one are you doing right now? I'll get it up on my laptop," Dan switched on loud speaker as he moved to his desk, gleefully springing into action after finally having some sort of purpose in life.

The next two hours were spent with Dan and Phil both diligently doing Maths past papers together over the phone, more often than not Dan tutoring Phil after he had solved the problem himself. After a handful of questions Phil gradually improved, leaving the two of them calculating the same questions in relative silence - neither hung up though, enjoying the virtual company of the sounds of each other's pencils scribbling travelling through the phone line. Eventually Dan started playing Radiohead softly, and chatted whilst he worked, always getting a delayed response from Phil moments after his monologues. Phil was hardly as good as maths as Dan - Dan imagined him concentrating seriously in front of his papers, occasionally getting distracted by Dan's babble over the phone, and smiled softly to himself. They eventually hung up because it was time for dinner. The two hours spent with Phil left Dan sated from his boredom, feeling like he missed Phil a bit less now.

The next time Phil called again, it was because he felt the need to update Dan on the shows he was binging.

"Dan! Dan Dan Dan. Have you caught up with season two of The Crown yet? There's corgis."

"Hey! Spoiler alert."

"Matt Smith is my favourite Doctor. You?"

"Woah okay topic jump. You only say that because you're binging The Crown right now,  _Philip!_ "

"That's a terrible Queen impression. Or Claire Foy impression. But seriously, who's your favourite Doctor?"

"I'd say Tennant. Although Jodie Whittaker is the new Doctor?!  _She_ is gonna be my favourite Doctor, definitely."

"Okay now that's a big bisexual mood."

"Philip Michael Lester, please don't speak like when you're texting. I'm cringing so hard right now."

"Yeet."

"Okay that's it I'm hanging up."

"No you're not."

The third time, it was finally Dan's turn to call Phil first. He was so bored - he would definitely deny missing Phil's banter though.

"I realised I haven't really touched the piano since... since house song wow," Dan distractedly announced to his phone on loudspeaker, whilst stroking an old keyboard in the attic, plugging it in and playing random notes.

"Play me something! Not Can't Take My Eyes Off You though, please."

"Hmm... okay. Radiohead? Or you wanna hear songs from the Final Fantasy soundtrack. I just started learning them this week!"

"Anything. Both?"

Dan played one of the songs he knew best off by heart - Radiohead's Pyramid Song, humming and singing along softly (and croakily, Dan couldn't stop cringing). Oh well, now that he was going to play lead in Les Mis, he couldn't exactly be shy about singing anymore. Phil stayed quiet during the entire song, whooping in the end when it was over, his applause cracky through the phone. Encouraged, Dan laughed and moved onto another song.

Dan knew that Phil loved Interrupted by Fireworks, but they both agreed that it didn't sound as good on piano, after Dan showcased several lines that he had just learned.

"You're really good at piano! Can you play something like, incredibly dramatic? Impress me, Danny."

Dan thought for a while, not particularly fond of the classical pieces he learnt when he was younger. He was struck with an idea, and promised Phil a surprise. Dan nervously found the first notes to Yuri On Ice, and managed to play through the whole thing. Dan was a sucker for love songs, but this tune, without words, somehow moved him more than most, when he first heard it in the anime. When he was done, the other side of the line was suspiciously silent.

"... Wow. That was beautiful, Dan," Phil's voice was quiet and thick with emotion, not unlike the time when he told Dan that  _he_ was beautiful, when he first saw Dan in the dress. Dan felt his heart catch at the memory, gulping and feeling very glad that Phil couldn't see him over the phone.

"Ah, thank you," Dan just about managed to choke out, leaving them in an awkward silence.

"I wish I could see you right now," Phil said, not easing the tension at all. Dan stammered.

"I uh... I... me too. We could... we could Skype? Maybe?"

"I'd like that next time. Yes, we should," Phil chuckled, the crackling over the phone warm and familiar. Dan smiled to himself, then diverted the conversation to tell Phil about their weird devoted Christian neighbours.

On a morning in the fourth week of the holiday, Dan's phone rang loudly next to his ear early in the morning (before noon, anyway), jolting Dan awake. (Dan was never one to leave his phone not on silent - but Phil had been calling him so often nowadays that Dan was always scared he would miss it.) Dan picked it up groggily, not even bothering to glance at the contact display twice.

Dan was about to yell at Phil for waking him up before noon when he heard the distinctive throat clearing cough of his mother's. Suddenly feeling very awake, Dan sprung up from bed, brows beginning to furrow.

"Hello. What do you want."

"Daniel! Don't be so rude to your mother! I gave birth to you, you know."

"... So what's up?"

"Can't I just check on my own son? Anyway have you thought about university applications yet? Do you know what course you're going to apply for?"

"No, and it's none of your business?"

"... Well I was think Law would do nicely. You do English and History right. I'm sending you a list of the top ten law schools in the country."

"Since when did I say I want to do Law?"

"It's not like you know what do you want anyway."

"And if I ignore you completely?"

"Well I'll just have to tell your dad to stop paying your school fees and pulling out from Harrow's Oxbridge scholarship was a colossal mistake. Chicheston has had  _a lot_  of bad influence on you," Dan could hear her triumphant smirk over the phone, and sighed defeatedly. Ever since accidentally coming out to his mum, Dan could only repair their relationship (ie. keeping his Dad at peace and in the dark in the middle) by admitting that his bisexuality was nothing more than a phase. His mum had been using it as a leverage ever since, getting Dan to be less of a brat and cooperate by threatening to spill what happened to his dad.

"Mum!" Dan groaned, but didn't dare to argue further.

"Can you at least promise to look at the websites and think about applying for law?"

"Yeah yeah, alright."

As promised, Dan actually put in effort to scroll through several prospectuses on university websites - a law degree sounded as bland as Dan's life could get, and his stomach churned uncomfortably at the thought that the grades they asked for were well within his scope. Getting the place, given that if Dan actually applied, was precisely what Dan was terrified of. He had a taste of what having his own life in his hands and controlling his future was like, and rather liked the scary responsibility than being plunged back into unhappiness again.

"Hey Phil, do you know what you're applying for uni yet?"

"Uh... I'm not entirely sure but I'm thinking maybe animation. Film production, more likely."

"Cool! That suits you so much, to be honest."

"How about you? ... Why do you ask, anyway?"

"I uh... I don't know what I should go for, that's why. My mum's trying to get me to apply for law," Phil listened pensively, knowing well enough what kind of influence Dan's mother could have on him.

"Have you never thought about what you wanted to do after school? Anything you fancy?"

"Well, you know how Tyler pushed me into the whole prom queen thing by promising me the lead for Les Mis. He said it would be good for applying for drama school. And you know how much I wanted it - I wouldn't have gone for prom queen otherwise."

"Drama school sounds like a good idea," Phil quipped, trying to be encouraging. Dan only replied with an uncommittal hum.

"You really think so? You think I'm cut out for it? It's gonna be hard."

"Everything is hard, Dan. But yeah, you're a pretty good actor, if your Shrek is anything to go by. Not that Shrek is exactly a must in every actor's resume," that elicited a laugh out of Dan.

"Well, you really should come see me in Les Mis then. Can't have Shrek be representative of my acting."

"Of course, wouldn't miss the world for it. I'm your biggest fan, Dan Howell," Phil said mischievously, trying to be flirtatious as usual. Dan scoffed.

"Ha ha, very funny,  _AmazingPhil_." 

Dan hung up feeling much more rooted and less lost that night. He could always count on Phil, as always. Dan wondered how would he cope without Phil after they graduate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i saw interactive introverts? oh my god. i now feel insanely weird writing phanfiction right now. dan was so so loud oh my god and phil bless him he's awkward but also a true comedy genius. so underrated. i wasn't fangirling as hard as i would've years ago but also i was about five years older than everyone else in the audience so. dan and phil are real people! and i love them! reality is weird now


	22. calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new headmaster who disapproves of Chicheston's laid back culture (read: freedom of gender expression) decides to take matters into his own hands.

On the first day back to school in summer term, Dan Howell caused quite a commotion by posting two photos on his (public) Instagram. 

Captioned "our two contrasting moods (crown emoji) (flamingo dancing girl emoji)", it was a selfie of him and Phil before prom, both shooting smouldering, unsmiling looks at the camera, which one could swipe left to see the other selfie - bad lighting, Dan goofily squishing his face next to Phil's, slightly turned as if almost reaching in for a cheek kiss (scandalous!), looking much more dishevelled than the moment when he was crowned prom queen. One could deduce from the photo that Phil was equally intoxicated and seemed to be giving Dan a piggyback ride. 

Dan had been agonising over whether to publicise the set of selfies, which he barely remembered taking and seemed a bit too intimate to be seen by anyone else than Dan (who looks at them from time to time, just to feel an embarrassing blush rise to his cheeks), but he had an impulsion to post them anyways. It was definitely  _not_ a power move against the surge in AmazingPhil's new Instagram  _female_  followers and - but Dan made sure to tag Phil anyway. When Dan asked Phil's permission, he had been perplexed, but agreed with some confusion anyway - Dan hadn't been sure why was Phil so hesitant, but he understood now, feeling more eyes than usual following him around campus. People, especially Phil's younger Youtube fans who weren't really in their social circle, were all speculating what exactly was the relationship between AmazingPhil and the new prom queen. After all, ever since Dan became an overnight celebrity when he put that crown on, no one could miss the implications of what it meant for Stanley's pretty boy - it was hardly a very  _straight_ thing to do. Dan hadn't really faced the repercussions until now, after the easter break, but thankfully most Chicheston boys were only prone to gossip and in the end, minded their own businesses when it came to outstanding individuals in school. After all, most people in this school were about as odd as they could get. Dan's friends hardly batted an eye, which was a relief - in between his corridor mates who were accustomed to Dan and Phil being dangerously close and the upper sixths in Stanley too busy in study leave to really care, Dan just about had room to breathe in the midst of all this social drama. Well, just.

"So, what's up with you and Phil?" Tyler asked with a raised eyebrow when he spotted Dan, sneaking into Les Mis rehearsals in between revision to yell at everyone for stress relief. Dan pulled a face at him and tried not to blush.

"Nothing's up? I don't know what you're talking about," Dan scoffed, and it was the truth. There was absolutely nothing between him and the roommate, despite how they were growingly overly affectionate and Dan definitely had a serious crush on Phil. Tyler squinted at him, unamused.

"Sure. What was that post about then," He commented with a smirk, calling Dan out. Surely Dan knew how much commotion he had caused with that little social media stunt he pulled - especially considering his and Phil's social positions in school. Dan rolled his eyes, hardly wanting to justify himself.

"Go back to revision, Oakley."

"Don't worry, I will!" Tyler left with a wink.

 **louise_pentland replied to your post:** Omg what is this

 **danielhowell:** just like the photo and leave, jeez louise  
 **danielhowell:** also what happened to taking a break from social media? log off, lou! delete your instagram app! now! bye! your exams are in 2 weeks!!!

 **louise_pentland:** Well I thought there might be some development on the Phil situation

 **danielhowell:** you wish  
 **danielhowell:** i wish  
 **danielhowell sent a post by amazingphil:** (hearteyes emoji) (hearteyes emoji) when he's not pulling that awkward selfie face

 **louise_pentland:** Did you take that?

 **danielhowell:** ya ofc (sunglasses emoji)  
 **louise_pentland liked a message you sent.**

**louise_pentland active 2m ago.**

A few days into summer term the boys of Stanley eventually found something else to dwell on, leaving their very own two local celebrities alone - even the TVs were void of the house scores leaderboard that PJ so helpfully paired with a photo of Dan's coronation as prom queen: Stanley's running joint third now, but there was still work to be done if they didn't want to slowly fall back to their rightful place in the bottom. PJ found something else to report: their headmaster Mr. Caine had disappeared out of the blue for some inexplicable emergency, as it seemed, and rumour has it that a Mr. Colton was stepping into the place for headmaster for now. Dan hadn't heard of a Mr. Colton in school at all before - he thought it was a bit risky to discuss school politics so brazenly around the house, but PJ assured him it wasn't an issue. House and school were so inherently separate anyway - especially Stanley, which was physically a mile away from school - and their house staff were always laid back about freedom of speech, as long as it didn't go too far. The boys actually talked into firing a racist gardener once - the house staff had never tried to stifle their words before, so PJ hardly feel threatened that they would start now, as the in-house gossip reporter.

But gradually different stories travelled from house to house, eventually to Stanley in the wilderness - stories that made even Chris, the most outspoken of them all, feel alarmed and the need to stay low. They started hearing all sorts of things about the acting headmaster, Mr. Colton - it rather sounded like some dictatorial social reform of Chicheston was underway. Rumour has it that he plucked two Churchill boys in his lower sixth class into detention because they were wearing jumpers with meme graphics on them - which was fair, "inappropriate" enough, but now everyone in sixth form started fearing that their dress code privileges would be soon taken away.

And then Stanley boys themselves started coming back with stories - Dan had never seen Duncan speak so many words at one go before, let alone actually visibly be angry - it seemed that when Mr. Colton was walking past his Chemistry class, he made sure to pull Duncan out for a good rant, just to humiliate him for the blond strand in his fringe. The entire group of friends decide to console Duncan by getting him an ice cream drumstick each - some of which that got chucked into the fields of Stanley's backyard, although no one really cared. Dan worried what would the implications be, for Phil and his dyed emo black hair, or even Tyler. Dan was just getting comfortable with Chicheston's freedom and slack on dress code rules - he couldn't thank them enough for letting him find his confidence, actually. Dan dreaded the day he runs into Mr. Colton.

Dan decided that he had enough of this sudden shock in their social system when Ben J. Pierce found his way to Dan and Phil's room one day after school, tears running down his cheeks. Dan opened the door, and Ben immediately rushed in, collapsing into Dan's chest for a hug. Dan patted Ben's mob of curls comfortingly as Ben sobbed, Phil quietly excusing himself from the room, not entirely knowing should he indulge in this obviously private moment. When Ben finally stopped sniffling and pulled away, Dan was expecting the young boy to look heartbroken. But he was wrong. Ben was furious, red rimmed eyes aside.

"You know I don't even wear makeup to school all the time, I don't even wear that much when I do," Ben rambled, voice scratchy from his short episode of crying, "I was just wearing mascara and a bit of tinted lip gloss today!"

Dan could tell. Ben's mascara was washed off into dark trails sprawling from his eyes.

"I'm really not looking to challenge the system or whatever! We never had any rules, and I'm not harming anyone! And then he, he..." It went without saying that it was Mr. Colton who they were referring to. Dan pulled a face, bracing for whatever Ben was about tell him he had to endure.

"He said, he said I was a _disgrace to masculinity_. What the fuck. That I'm a bad influence and shaming the school's reputation whatever. Like we had one in the first place. And then there was the prom queen thing, well. He said whoever encouraged it and made it happen was  _toxic_ ," at this, Ben glared at Dan, through angry teary eyes. Dan was quietly fuming, but only moved to soothe Ben by rubbing his arms gently.

"Anyway he then made me wash my face in the sinks in the lab, in front of everyone - of course this waterproof shit doesn't come off easily - and now here I am, ranting to you because I don't know who else to go to... Where's Phil?" Ben asked distractedly, in the exact moment that Phil decided to slip back into the room discreetly, hoping the tender moment was over. Ben stared at Phil pointedly, as if cashing in on Phil's promise that Ben would be left to his peace and somehow socially protected. Dan glanced between them in slight panic, and decided to somehow defuse the situation. (On the inside, he was about as angry as Ben was - he really hoped him and Phil could do something about it, as Ben's seniors.)

"So apparently Mr. Colton doesn't approve of makeup in the classroom now, even though it was never a dress code," Dan explained quickly to Phil, who stepped over to extend a friendly hug to Ben. Ben begrudgingly accepted it, pouting.

"I don't know who else could I take this to, that's why I came to y'all. I mean, I could go to Tyler, but I didn't really want to bother him when he's on study leave, ya know?" Ben said, feeling slightly lost. Dan nodded in sympathy. Phil looked down at Ben, considering him for a moment.

"This is difficult hmm. I mean I could easily do something about it if it were just someone else in school, I could even talk to the housemaster if someone in house was bothering you," Phil thought out loud, saying authoritatively, "But it's Colton. He's headmaster now, after all." At that, all three of them winced at the thought. Phil was right - the acting headmaster was pretty much untouchable, and if they didn't behave, they might end in serious trouble too.

"Let's just see if anything official changes, and as long as it's not set in stone into rules, we still have room to tackle. In the meantime, Ben, stay low, okay? Try not to get into any actual trouble, it's not worth it," Phil smiled reassuringly to Ben, sharing a knowing look with Dan. Dan was only slightly relieved at how Phil actually seemed to have a strategised game plan. Everything sucks ever since the new acting headmaster came into power - Dan couldn't wait for everything to return to normal.

Most of them finally saw Mr. Colton in the flesh, one evening when the entire house gathered in the common room for a house meeting. Tyler was boredly (and begrudgingly, Dan might add) announcing that sixth formers were no longer allowed to wear jumpers of their choice with their uniform, only grey or black henceforth - the room erupted into groans, mostly from the lower sixths and the fifth forms who had been looking forward to sixth form perks. Tyler consoled the boys in his year by reasoning that it was too warm to wear their jumpers anymore anyway. The second announcement was that piercings were now banned - Dan frowned at that, fingers flying up to thumb the hoop in his left ear unconsciously. It was his sixteenth birthday present to himself - Dan wasn't even quite sure was he allowed to take it off yet (of course he was, Dan was just bitter to part with his relatively new edgy look that he had been loving.) In the midst of everyone groaning and hollering, the room was suddenly hushed into silence as Mr. Colton appeared out of the blue.

"Good evening, Mr. Colton," Tyler said curtly, everyone else too intimidated to speak a word. It was quite an entertaining moment in hindsight - just moments ago everyone had been so loudly raging against his new policies. Colton walked into the middle of the room, eyes critically scanning everyone as he stepped, stopping right into Tyler's personal space, towering over their tragically short Head of House. Dan was gulping as he watched, but Tyler didn't seem to even bat an eye.

"So, you're the prefect in charge here huh? Wouldn't have guessed." There were some inaudible gasps spotted around the room. That was a blatant insult - but Colton was hardly finished.

"What do you call this ridiculous hair colour? Get rid of it at once!" He yanked at a corner of Tyler's hair - Tyler winced, but didn't say a word. "I thought I already gave this one a warning," He turned around to expertly point out Duncan in the crowd, who was emotionless in response, save for the clenched fist conveniently hidden from most people's sight. At that, Phil ducked into the crowd further, almost hiding behind the sofa. He was nowhere near ready for parting with his black hair just yet.

"The revised dress code says  _natural hair colours_ \- I believe Duncan's blond hair is completely valid," Tyler whispered softly yet defiantly, earning a hard glare from Mr. Colton. At least his hand was off Tyler's hair now - Tyler didn't really mean to be a rebel, but his purple hair was temporary and was due to wash off to nothing very soon anyway.  _Dissing Duncan for his blond hair would be racist,_ Tyler didn't say.

"Oh very well. But  _you_ are not abiding the rules, are you? What do you call this, Mr. Oakley? You give off quite the impression! Do you think yourself as a  _fairy godmother_? I wonder how do you even manage to be a persuasive leader... you certainly don't represent the school very well, I say!" Tyler clenched his teeth, barely biting back his words, for the sake of his boys. He wouldn't want some blanket punishment to be imposed on Stanley - he wouldn't put it past Colton to do that.

"You were the one that came up with all that prom queen nonsense right? That was unacceptable - we can't have people thinking Chicheston tolerates all these  _queer_ behaviour! I wonder if you're worthy of this responsibility at all," Dan froze at that, partly frightened at Mr. Colton's indirect mention of him, but mostly, his blood was boiling at how Tyler had been silently letting himself get attacked. Dan was about to make himself known, abruptly springing up from where he was sitting, so he could right the accusations made against Tyler. It wasn't fair that Tyler should suffer the consequences of his actions - but Dan's throat dried out when he saw Tyler staring at him sternly, subtly shaking his head and wordlessly ordering Dan not to make a move. Dan sheepishly sat back down.

"Mr. Colton, I ran the idea over with Jim, and he approved. It was democratically put forward," Tyler replied, impressively calmly, pointedly ignoring the jabbing, subtly homophobic comment. 

"Oh yes,  _Jim_! Our head boy," he tutted, sighing dramatically, "I've already spoken to him about this - I wonder what has gotten into that boy! I bet it was your charms - don't let your Head of House fraternise with you all as well, boys!" Mr Colton laughed maliciously, holding eye contact with several scared year 7 boys around them. Tyler snapped.

"Mr. Colton, with all due respect, is it appropriate to insinuate that I'm gay in front of everyone, with the intent to make offending jokes? And even if I  _were_ gay, since when does one's sexuality infringe the rules of Chicheston? Is there proof that it in any way interferes with how I carry out my prefect duties?" Tyler stated every word loud and clear, glaring up at Colton with an intense ferocity. Everyone was shocked with their jaws dropped now - Tyler's sexuality was a quiet and widely accepted fact, but this basically constituted as his first proper coming out to the masses. In front of the acting headmaster who just insulted him, no less. Colton was initially taken aback at the outburst at first, but once he recovered, he seemed more intent to tear Tyler down than before.

"How dare you speak to me like that? And your very existence is crossing our school ethos right now. Just you wait, Tyler Oakley. I will not tolerate you in this school," with that, Mr. Colton stormed off - probably getting his karma for walking all the way to Stanley instead of minding his own business.

Once Colton was out of earshot, the room was filled with cheers - some of the upper sixths ran up to engulf Tyler into a supportive hug, whilst most of the younger boys whooped and applauded in awe - they couldn't believe Tyler was brave enough to stand up to Colton. It was about time, someone had to. No one cared to dwell on the fact that Tyler just officiated his gayness (not like anyone was surprised). Dan stood up as he clapped loudly, stalking over to Tyler once the crowd dissipated and the meeting deemed over.

"Uh, thank you just now, for not bailing on me," Dan pulled Tyler into a tight hug, grateful beyond words. Tyler only chuckled tiredly.

"I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty scared about what's gonna happen next," Tyler sighed to himself, patting Dan on his back. "But hey, you really think I won't keep all my Stanley boys safe from that army discipline freak? I'm the most flamboyant gay of Stanley, destined for hell anyway - so I might as well," Tyler smirked, patting Dan reassuringly once more before returning to his prefectorial business of tending to the noticeboard or what not. Dan could feel that a war was coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we launch into the hot-headed school politics storyline as inspired by hana kimi! i hope you guys find this interesting: tyler is one of my favourite characters to write and i thought this could tie in nicely with dan's sexuality self acceptance journey!


	23. guilty as sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler Oakley is faced with a difficult decision, after being prosecuted for his relationship with another boy. The school is painted with fear, and for the first time, Dan doesn't let Phil touch him.

Nightmare came in the form of an ambush assembly one morning, when the entire school was gathered in the hall without explanation. The upper sixths were not supposed to be here, of course, being busy on study leave, but Dan with a sharp eye spotted the six head prefects sitting in a line behind where Mr. Colton was standing on the stage, all the way from the balcony - and he knew instantly that shit was serious. Tyler was just about as big as an ant from where Dan and Phil could see him - but it was clear that he was squirming with unease, fidgeting in his chair. Dan wondered what wrath Colton was going to bring this time, and if his grudge against Tyler had been a catalyst.

"Ever since I took on the role of acting headmaster, I have noticed that the school has been slack. Chicheston prides itself for being a school of many years of history, and a long succession of tradition; and it is not acceptable that we are reduced to laughing stock for the local borough! We are one of few in the country - an excellent, elite school for boys - you boys have start acting like it. There is a lot to be done. 

First things first, the dress code is an implementation,  _not_ a suggestion. Colourful uniforms and hairstyles will not be tolerated any further - they only belong to improper students who obviously do not have the right attitude for learning. If I spot anyone challenging the dress code by the end of the week - that will be a detention. I'm sure that everyone remembers that three detentions warrant a letter back home."

The hall, packed with people, was eerily silent, albeit a few terrified murmurs amongst the first years. The older boys were literally at a lost for words - detentions were hard to come by for all the years they have been in Chicheston, save for one or two major scandals surrounding alcohol or drugs or smoking on campus, or the very, very rare: truly scandalous sexy troubles. Those are the only matters that the school was actually stern about - most cases warranted an immediate expulsion, so most Chicheston boys learnt to steer away from troubles when they were, well, actually illegal. But being  _proper_  public school boys - it was never really their forte.

Colton was hardly done with his speech.

"I am appalled to see the complete disorder in most boarding houses - school is somewhat acceptable, and could be improved, but the disparity in discipline in boarding houses is  _shocking_. There is a total disregard for propriety and  _respect for teachers,_ " there is a dramatic pause in which almost every single Stanley boy in the room winced and was reminded of that little spectacle of Mr. Colton and Tyler arguing in house meeting, only several days before. Tyler sank into his chair in the background.

"I'd like to remind everyone that your houses are an integral part of school, and  _school rules_ are just as valid in boarding houses, outside of lesson hours. A certain degree of discipline is to be maintained - I can't have any  _individuals_  thinking that they are at home and can slack on their manners," Tyler's jaw tightened at that, knowing fully well that it was a reference to him. 

The house politics were going to be shaken to its core - before this assembly, the prefects were just notified and introduced to the new housemasters that Mr. Colton thought would be useful in swapping in. Stanley's new headmaster didn't seem all the bad, actually - he was a timid new teacher, fresh out of grad school as Tyler guessed, probably easier for Colton to distant monitor his least favourite house (Tyler was used to it by now, they were most teachers' least favourite anyway). He felt bad for their old housemaster though, he had hardly done anything wrong for trusting the house in Tyler's hands. Tyler couldn't help but feel immensely guilty that it was partly his fault that the old housemasters got demoted.

"To ensure that there are no illicit activities happening in the boarding house, from now onwards, an open door policy is enforced on all rooms in all houses. Until you prove yourselves trustworthy, transparency is necessary. To facilitate the new reinforcements, the Headmaster Office now accepts all reports of behaviour that are out of line: drinking, smoking on campus, drugs, inappropriate relations with girls - or  _between members of houses_ ," the audience burst into murmurs - Dan was stricken at the last insinuation, and he was sure that certain individuals like Phil or Tyler had caught on as well. It was a ridiculous breach on privacy - Dan couldn't even fathom the idea of all the bedrooms in Stanley with their doors all propped open, because apparently they were criminals who needed to be under constant surveillance. 

Tyler, behind Colton, was stuck between seething and feeling absolutely threatened - his impulse was forcing him to stand up from his chair, to do something reckless like confronting the acting headmaster who could totally demote him from his prefect position. Ryan Higa, right next to Tyler, quickly sprung into action to hold him back, soothing his friend when Tyler turned to look at him with a pained expression. Anyone who knew Tyler Oakley (and that was  _a lot_  of people in Chicheston) were no stranger to his openly expressed sexuality - it wasn't difficult to understand why Tyler saw it as a personal attack. Tyler Oakley himself pretty much believed it so - Colton hates his guts, mostly because he was gay, and now everyone had to suffer the consequences. This sucked - Tyler wasn't as worried for himself as he worried for others who might be affected. He could only hope that no one would get caught doing whatsoever that was probably supposed to be innocent.

The upper sixths on study leave heard about the news soon enough that night, when it was relayed by their new housemaster. Everyone was at least partially annoyed - studying was near impossible when all their doors were wide open to all the noises in the house, and although they could go to the library back in main campus or study rooms, it was just a nuisance. The more sharp tongued ones were already quick to point out that this was probably infringing privacy - and suggested they file a complaint to someone important right now. Stanley house was filled with unrest as the new rules were forced onto them.

"Well, you heard it from your headmaster. No alcohol in house, no smoking in house, no drugs, no sex - I'm pretty sure I need to report if any of you guys are in a relationship, actually," Peter stated blandly, helpless in the situation and just doing as he was told. 

" _Acting_  headmaster," Chris reiterated bitterly, yelling into the room as he walked past the office and overheard the conversation. Peter only shook his head in distaste.

Peter - the boys refused to call him by his actual teacher title (which would probably be another sin under Colton's book), seeing as how their new housemaster was lanky twenty-something scaredy cat - was friendly enough, hardly posing as a hostile threat; but he was only doing his job. The thought of making life difficult for Peter just because he was one of Colton's pawns didn't settle well with Tyler - but so did the new rules implying that any relationships within school were now forbidden and would call for punishment if busted. Tyler was old enough and levelheaded enough to recognise blatantly homophobic bullshit when he came across it - and this was all inspired by his very flamboyant, easily hatable self. He couldn't imagine how many closeted couples in the school that he didn't even know of would have their relationships strained, all because of him. Tyler was deeply troubled, even though he refused to let it show.

"Sorry guys for this, Colton is so desperate to catch me in bed with a heartthrob, so he can finally get rid of me for good," Tyler joked, in the midst of the grudging crowd that had gathered in the office. His peers were speechless at that - despite Peter's comment about relationships in the house going way over most people's heads - glancing at each other sheepishly, drowning the room in an uncomfortable silence. No one really blamed Tyler for what happened - it seemed terribly unfair when Tyler had always been so good to them, fighting for canteen welfare and whatnot, and making Stanley miraculously standing a chance at not running last for once. Tyler, out of everyone, must be feeling the most pressure from this ridiculous situation - anyone could notice that he wasn't exactly in Colton's good books, and it was no secret that Tyler was being targeted, indirectly or not.

"It's not your fault, Tyler," Phil quipped quietly yet steadily from the corner of the room, having been eavesdropping on the commotion in the office, together with a nosy Dan. Tyler smiled warmly at Phil - it was unexpected, but Phil Lester, for all of his quiet and gentleness, always knew what needed to be heard when someone was upset. Dan, right next to him, grinned encouragingly at him. Tyler's upper sixth friends all voiced their support and clapped Tyler on the back. He would be okay. This wasn't all that disastrous.

Colton's plan of boys snitching on each other had obviously backfired - they might not be the most well behaved bunch, but Chicheston - individual houses, in particular - was always a tight community where everyone looked out for each other. So the "open door policy" really didn't do much except for inconveniencing everyone involved, with Dan feeling horribly self conscious every time he had to basically undress and get changed in front of his entire corridor, and Phil finding it near impossible to film a video without the voices of absolutely everyone in the house drifting into the room getting picked up by his mic. 

Phil was seriously entertaining the idea of filming just like this, actually, a day after school when Dan was off rehearsing for Les Mis - just to make a passive aggressive point about this stupid policy that invades privacy. This was when the first scandal struck ever since the dramatic reform - PJ basically sprinted into Phil's room, with Chris hastily trailing behind, because those two were always the first to hear about absolutely anything of significance. PJ was stressed, frantically asking Phil for technical help to broadcast his newest gossip message in the quickest way possible. Something big had happened, PJ emphasised - something terrible.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think we're allowed to anymore," Phil asked, skeptically. It wasn't stated black and white, but he had a fair idea that Colton wouldn't appreciate all this freedom of speech that would stir up speculation and noise. PJ was adamant.

"Just wait till you hear what happened; word  _needs_  to get out," Chris demanded - Phil had never seen him quite so serious before. PJ invited himself into Phil's chair, already pulling up his own laptop and various cables, whilst Chris was in charge of filling Phil in.

Mr Colton caught a year 9 from Stanley smoking outside the gates of school - these cases were always difficult and ambiguous. Smoking wasn't exactly illegal, after all, and the rules only applied within the confines of campus; but obviously Colton dragged that poor boy into his office for a good long session anyway. Usually, cases like this warranted a detention or two, or maybe a letter home as a warning - but apparently the boy was threatened with a two day suspension instead. Phil gulped at that - a suspension was no small deal: you couldn't even be in the house, in addition to being banned from lessons, and would have to go home. This was where it got tricky - the boy was from Abu Dhabi, and he had absolutely no one to go to in the country, if he were to get suspended. Phil vaguely registered who the boy in question was now - he thought his name might be Ron. 

So poor Ron, already scared shitless and stressing out about being in such trouble, was offered a deal from Colton - Colton was determined to prosecute Tyler Oakley in anyway possible, with anything that could prove that he stepped out of line. Ron was pushed into snitching on his Head of House - he didn't have any other choice but to mention something he saw that he knew better to keep to himself when he first came across it accidentally.  Ron hesitantly mentioned that he might or might not have spotted a Norbury boy spending the night in Tyler's room, the implications going unsaid - he insisted that it had been during the holidays and said Norbury boy wasn't breaking any rules for not staying out an entire night. 

Colton was almost smirking with glee when he finally got his incriminating evidence, pushing for more, determined to find out who the Norbury boy was. Ron refused to spill, insisting that he didn't recognise the boy - although obviously as a year 9 from Stanley, he knew exactly who Troye Mellet was; he just couldn't bear to drag another person into the ditch of despair. (Chris, as he was retelling this story, wondered who the mysterious Norbury boy could be - Phil already knew, being more observant than most people, but kept it to himself.) 

So now Colton had something solid to prosecute Tyler by, and he certainly would use it against Tyler - God knows what he would do next. Ron was left with three detentions  _and_ a letter home, shaken and ranting in guilt to his roommates - who PJ and Chris heard the story from. They weren't sure what could be achieved by publicising what had went down, after failing to locate Tyler to warn him ahead of everyone else - but it seemed like something could only be done if Tyler got as much support as they could gather, if something terrible were to happen. Phil was pensive, but agreed to this suspiciously useless plan of action anyway - he wasn't sure what else he could do to help either.

By the time Dan returned from rehearsals, he didn't even have to hear the story from Phil, already bombarded by information once he stepped into the house - PJ's signature work was plastered on all screens around the common room, and different groups of friends were gathered on the ground floor, gossiping and discussing with worry, the house humming with nervous energy. Dan walked into Jack, who verbally completed the story for Dan, leaving him distressed and baffled by the turn of events. He walked into Duncan next, who helpfully told him that they have finally located Tyler - he was already sent to Mr. Colton's office, before anyone could warn him what was ahead. Dan finally reached the safety of his room, stepping into frame to see Phil spinning around his chair restlessly, as if waiting to break the news to Dan.

"Tyler's seeing Colton right now," Dan announced, before Phil could open his mouth. He was taken aback that Dan already knew, but then resorted to worrying over this new update instead, frowning to himself with his head squishing into his palm. Dan frowned together with Phil, their room filled with depressing silence. Dan glanced at Phil absently once or twice, wondering what would this mean for his crush on Phil and his bisexuality, if Colton was actually going to criminalise anything gay in school now - Dan was scared, furious, and stressed all at once. He was curious as to what Phil thought, seeing that Phil did somehow have a relationship with someone else in school. It was like all of Dan's nightmares were coming back to haunt him again - the years of oppression didn't seem like a far away memory anymore.

Tyler slowly stepped into the house when it was almost time for dinner, looking absolutely shattered and like he had been ripped into shreds by Colton. The crowded corridor was suspiciously quiet as everyone eyed Tyler in pity - they were all dying to know what had happened, what punishment was Tyler subjected to - but everyone was too scared to approach Tyler. Surprisingly, Phil Lester wasn't - he was waiting at the top of the stairs on the way to Tyler's room. Someone had to check up on Tyler, and Phil didn't hesitate to volunteer.

Phil wordlessly pulled Tyler into a hug, upstairs where there were less eyes and most people were out of earshot - Tyler gladly collapsed into the embrace, letting himself be small in the tall Phil's arms for once. They weren't very close, but Phil Lester was always one of the most sensitive souls around here - Tyler was almost relieved that it was Phil who he had to break the news to first. Phil was never one to overreact or panic, which would totally overwhelm Tyler right now. He was barely holding himself together.

"I'm either demoted and denounced as a prefect - which I have to write to all my universities about, by the way, or else I can get charged for fraud - or he just straights up expels me, if I absolutely refuse to. I don't have long to pick - my first exam is in two weeks, and that's when the damage could really be done if I get expelled," Tyler stated blankly, voice void of emotion. He was just tired - maybe it was best if he just gave up everything he worked for, all his work for Stanley House that he was so proud of.

"...Can he do that? Expel you? I mean, it's not like you're  _actually_  breaking any rules," Phil asked, soft and steady, trying to hold his shock back and focus on analysing the crisis on hand instead. Tyler winced as he clutched onto Phil's arm distractedly, bracing Phil for what he was about to tell him.

"They still don't know who it was yet, I wouldn't tell them and Ron didn't, bless him. But Colton is pinning me down with  _age of consent -_ since they didn't know who it was, they don't know how old he is. Colton is threatening to call the police to find out - so he can insist that I hooked up with a minor and broke the law, and then life is truly over as we know it." Shit. Phil was glad that probably-Troye's identity wasn't revealed, but this was serious trouble - either way, if Tyler didn't want to end up in jail, or get expelled, which would screw over his exams, he would just have to go through with being humiliated and stripped of all his previous glory. By the defeated look on Tyler's face, Phil suspected he was already committed to the latter. Dan, who had been quietly hovering around the two of them, decided to speak up this instant.

"Wait, but you didn't  _actually_ have underage sex, right?" Dan asked incredulously. Tyler just about had enough humour in him to roll his eyes at Dan - whilst Phil smacked Dan on the head hard, scarcely with any guilt for that totally badly timed comment. Phil couldn't help but be curious too - he really hoped Tyler hadn't actually done something of questionable morals.

"You're eighteen, and Troye's hasn't even turned fifteen yet," Phil muttered under his breath to himself, deep in thought, earning a glare from Tyler. He hadn't expected anyone to know he had a somewhat affair with Troye Mellet, one of the Stanley traitors in year 9 - but defending his honour was more important at the moment.

"Of course I didn't! We didn't... we didn't really go that far. Nothing even happened that night, it was an innocent sleepover, I swear to God," Tyler groaned, quiet enough so that not the entire house would hear. Phil was glad that at least Tyler still had some energy left to bicker.

" _Innocent_... sure..." Dan quipped cheekily, and Tyler only refrained from killing Dan because he wasn't straight either, and there was some sort of gay solidarity in times of hardship. Phil didn't hesitate to take the liberty to smack Dan again though, this time on the shoulder, and Tyler actually thanked Phil for it.

"So... what are you going to do?" Phil pried gently, once he succeeded in stopping Dan from goofing around, who was terrible at defusing the situation except in his loud and bizarre way. Tyler chewed his non-existent upper lip, face falling into despair once again.

"Denounce myself from my title and letting them take my name off yearbooks and stuff, probably. It seems like a lesser evil - I can't really pull out of my A Levels right now, and I can't do them if I'm not registered to the school anymore. I'm probably going back to America anyway, and they already have my SAT scores, but it's still better to sit these exams as well," Phil was solemn as he nodded along. Dan couldn't stomach the thought of Tyler being humiliated like that though, hot headed as always.

"Tyler, no! But all that you've done for us, for the house, you can't just let them take away your credit like that. It's not like you broke the law or anything, you have nothing to be sorry for! This is blatant homophobia, it's not fair on you to just take whatever shit they pile on you," Dan pleaded, getting angrier the more he dwelled on it. Tyler was hardly moved - he had already accepted his fate. His defiance had proved to be a burden for too many people: with the open door policy, the old housemasters, and now poor Ron, who was forced to use Tyler as a bargaining chip. Tyler imagined that letting this scandal rest as soon as possible was the best way to protect Troye, he owed him that much. Everyone speculating (staff included) were already starting to deduce who the mystery Norbury boy was - Norbury being a small house and the offender being someone who stays over during the holidays leaves a narrow pool for inspection. It was a shame it had to end like this - Tyler did like Troye a lot, despite him being too wary of something exactly like this to happen to ever let a relationship escalate to a serious connection.

"It's always going to be not fair, Dan! The sooner you learn that, the better you will do in life. I pick my battles to fight, and this isn't one of them. I'm done. I'm tired. I can't keep being selfish and drag everyone in my life down with me too. First it was the open door policy, next they're going to dig Troye out if I don't just play by their rules nicely. Colton is trying to make an example of me, Dan. Once I settle it, it'll be over, and it'll be fine. Are you suggesting that I should never rest until all the gays in Chicheston gets dragged into hell with me as well? I don't need that on my conscience, Howell!" Tyler glared up at Dan pointedly, silently insinuating that Dan was under his protection too, without possibly outing Dan to Phil. 

The both of them were seething, although Dan didn't have a better comeback. After a tense second, Phil apologised for Dan, before hastily excusing themselves, yanking Dan away and back to their room. Tyler retreated to his own room, planning on a shower - it was the only place these days where he could shut himself in and enjoy some peace and quiet, away from all the gossiping mouths and prying ears. He couldn't even slam his door shut to cry his eyes out alone anymore - Tyler hated himself for letting this happen.

That night, after Phil passed the information out and granted PJ the freedom to do whatever he wanted with it to keep everyone informed, as long as he didn't put it on walls everywhere, Dan paced their room, agonising over the situation. Dan then collapsed into his own chair, as Phil got ready for bed. He couldn't stop thinking about how Tyler was wronged to be coerced into taking his punishment, and getting more angry the more he let his mind wander. Dan couldn't stop dwelling on how he had always lived in fear, before he even knew what exactly he was scared about people finding out, always taunted by his peers. Chicheston, in contrast, had been a safe haven for him - Dan couldn't stand by and watch the best thing about his second home be stripped away just like that. It's not right that Tyler should be over-punished, very so publicly as well, for crimes he apparently committed when he hadn't done anything wrong at all. Dan was sure that if it had been a relationship with a St. Trinian's, no one would even bat an eye. 

But Dan should respect Tyler's decision, probably, and there wasn't really another option - he felt helpless, with nowhere to channel his angst, all intertwined with years of self doubt and self hate that Dan had been harbouring forever and trying so hard to fight recently. Dan was spilling angry tears by the end of his inner monologue, sniffling loudly without a care for the door being wide open and that everyone could hear him. Phil, noticing the cause for concern, padded over to Dan's side of the room to console him.

"Hey, stop stressing over it, your tears will be in vain. We couldn't do anything to help unless there's something else to be done - it would be pointless for Tyler to just stand his ground without a counterattack, he's right. Why don't you get some sleep and we can stress about this again at breakfast tomorrow?" Phil offered gently, pulling a tight smile to an unmoved Dan, who stopped crying but otherwise didn't make a move from staring into space in despair. 

Phil reached in to hold his hand gently, trying to tug Dan away from his slump in the chair. At the contact, Dan jumped, squirming away as if electrocuted. He glanced at the open door in paranoia immediately, afraid that someone had witnessed the two of them as much as  _holding hands -_ Dan's acute fear was hardly justified considering how most of the school had seen a photo of Dan being carried on Phil's back anyway. Phil only looked slightly hurt when he caught on, understanding Dan's motive and respectfully backing away. The entire school was living in fear right now, and Dan didn't want to be the next victim in Colton's witch hunting campaign - in that moment, when Phil reached for him, Dan felt immensely guilty, although it had been something so terribly innocent. To think that Dan used to rejoice at every single instance of physical contact between him and Phil, and he still does sometimes, and for that joy to be turned into dread so easily - it broke Dan's heart.

"You know, you had no right to lash out at Tyler just now," Phil said coldly, warm expression suddenly clouding over, as he stood a good feet away from Dan. Dan felt lonely without Phil in his proximity. "It's all very noble of you to cry for justice, to fight homophobia and talk about standing your own ground in the face of oppression. But in the end, you won't know how it feels until it happens to you. Until all the pressure is on you, and there are stakes at hand. Tyler is already braver than any of us would ever be - so who are you to judge him for cowardice when you are scared shitless as well?" 

Dan froze, chewing over Phil's words as Phil turned away from him to bury himself into his duvet, refusing to say anymore. The words hit hard - it was obvious that Phil was hurt that Dan had overreacted when pulling away from Phil's touch, and Phil had a point in calling out Dan as a hypocrite. Dan cursed himself for being a coward - he reminded himself to apologise to Tyler tomorrow, as well as trying to formulate some sort of rescue plan for him. As he tossed in his bed, Dan made a promise to himself - he couldn't be afraid to put himself on the line anymore, if the situation ever calls for it, if he believed in justice for Tyler as much as he talked of it. It could be terrifying, Dan acknowledged, but if he really believed in all those big ideas that he was lecturing Tyler about, there shouldn't be any wrong in Dan coming out as bisexual, or at least insinuating that he was. He had already put half a head out for Tom, when he put the crown on - surely he could do it again. For the dear friends that he didn't have in his life until two terms ago. Dan owed them his happiness - he should at least try to fight for theirs.


	24. rebel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil go on a mission to rally Tyler's team of support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second out of three acts of tyler's story arc! i recommend referring to chapter six to clear up confusion about houses and characters :)

Dan coerced Phil into a hug, at their doorframe and basically in front of their entire corridor, just to make a point of his apology. Phil grudgingly accepted it, not verbally but leaning into the touch anyway. Dan missed Phil's familiar warmth touching his skin - it was always like an anchor to him - and Dan needed all the courage he could get right now.

"I sort of have a plan, but I know you won't like it," Dan whispered into Phil's ear, pulling away just as Chris and PJ emerged from their room, joining them on the way to breakfast. Phil raised his eyebrow at Dan in question, but when he didn't get the elaboration he wanted, Phil nodded unsurely anyway, wordlessly agreeing to whatever plan Dan had in the works. If Phil was honest, he couldn't stop dwelling on how upsetting Tyler's situation was either, and although Dan's plans were often wildly unpredictable, sometimes they do work. Phil trusted him.

The dining hall was tense and depressed - everyone had their emotional energy drained out of them ever since the news reached their ears, and when Tyler Oakley walked in, a beeline was cleared for him to cut the queue in a split second, the air thick with pity. Tyler would have cringed if he wasn't already stressing to oblivion, picking up his food in a takeaway box and quickly escaping back into his room under the pretence of studying. Dan and Phil's friends pulled faces at each other - some wincing, some rueful. No one quite knew what was going to happen next, and all felt rather helpless.

As promised, Dan inexplicably dragged Phil with him to the sixth form office on Friday afternoon, when they were both free. Before Dan could stomp up the stairs though, Phil stopped him, yanking him to the corner behind reception for some answers himself first.

"Dan, whatever you're thinking, it's probably a bad idea," Phil stage whispered urgently, gripping Dan by the shoulders as if he would run off. Dan's expression was unreadable.

"I know Mr. Khan likes you well enough, but we don't just storm in and demand that Tyler should walk free, it doesn't do anyone any good. You're not involved in the first place, and the last thing we want is for anyone to think you're  _involved_ with Tyler," Phil pleaded. Dan smiled cryptically, patting Phil's back in reassurance.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything drastic. Not just yet. I'm just gonna... ask some questions, so I can think of our next step. And you're here with me so I don't have to be scared," Dan flashed a bright grin at Phil, hiding how low key terrified he was. Dan was self aware enough to know that he always make rash decisions that he often regretted later on - he hoped that this wasn't one. Phil rolled his eyes at him, but followed Dan up the steps nonetheless.

"Sure," Phil muttered under his breath, half annoyed and half amused. "AmazingPhil, here to the rescue. No reason to be scared anymore."

Mr. Khan, the head of sixth form, was working behind his desk in the office, just like how Dan expected him to be. Dan had several meetings here back when he was still a fresh new boy, and had committed Mr. Khan's schedule to memory (by chance, of course. Dan just had an incredible memory). Dan huffed in annoyance as he had to knock his way in - he wondered why hadn't the  _open door policy_  extended to be applicable to teachers as well, Dan was starting to get used to being able to storm into every room unannounced. Mr. Khan looked surprised by the visitors, but wasn't really bothered enough to not invite Dan and Phil in - Phil gingerly trailed behind Dan, sitting in the chair next to his.

"So, what brings you here, Daniel? I haven't seen you in ages. And ... Phil Lester! I've noticed your internet appearance is dwindling lately," Phil tensed as he heard that, like he always did when teachers actively acknowledge that they watched his Youtube videos. Rationally Phil knew that he had nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of - his videos were perfectly harmless and PG without an ounce of bad influence - but he still couldn't stop squirming every time it was brought up. 

"... Are you focusing on your academics instead? I wouldn't oppose to that, although you did give very good revision advice," Mr. Khan laughed cheekily, trying to break the ice and be relatable by referencing to the latest AmazingPhil video. "So? How can I help you boys?"

"Well, we're wondering... Actually, I'll be honest. We're terribly worried about our friend, Tyler Oakley. Everyone in Stanley is," Dan said steadily, as if he had a speech in place. Phil didn't know where this was going, but he was already impressed. He knew that Dan would rather die than be a lawyer - but in another universe, Phil thought Dan would've been perfect for law school. For all of Phil's charm in front of a camera, he wasn't the one doing the talking right now, letting Dan take the lead. It wasn't like he knew what was happening at all.

"Mr. Howell," Mr. Khan said gravely, almost dangerously, " as much as I want to help Prefect Oakley, whatever's decided is set in stone. I cannot override the headmaster's orders, and I suggest you to stay out of it as well, if you don't want to get into trouble. Unless you have any motive to be so  _impartial_  to Oakley? Anything to offer that might help his case?"

Phil gulped, despite keeping a level expression, kicking Dan under the table in panic. It wasn't subtle that Mr. Khan was hinting at Dan being Tyler's mysterious boyfriend - sure, if Dan stupidly stepped into that role, at least they would all know that Tyler didn't have sex with a minor, presuming that he even did hook up with anyone at all. Dan would turn seventeen in a month, he was sixteen before he even joined the school. But insinuating that Dan and Tyler were an item probably wouldn't save Tyler from all hells unleashed, and Dan would definitely get caught in it as well.

Dan was hardly phased, still smiling coolly as he didn't even glance at Phil's direction.

"Oh, no, I wish I had something. I was just worried for the house - what would happen, if Tyler were to be suspended as head of Stanley? I presume his tie and badge would be taken away, his name off the crest and the yearbook,  _and_ he gets banned from leading any future house events..." Dan listed idly, emphasising with an edge in his voice just to jab at how cruel all this was. Mr. Khan looked sheepish - he  _was_ in charge of the prefects, but there wasn't much he had control of after this scandal spread through the discipline team. The new headmaster was convinced that they were all terrible at their jobs - Mr. Khan was trying to get on his good side just like everyone else.

"Actually, sorry to break it to you two, but it means that Stanley as a whole is basically pulling out of all the remaining house competitions for the year as well. You would be losing a leader, and it's too late to find a replacement - the upper sixths are starting exams, and it would be too hasty to vote for the new one so soon and in such a short amount of time. Stanley's points would have to be frozen from now on," Phil couldn't help but protest quietly at that - they had been running strong as a house this year, surprisingly, and this blanket punishment hardly seemed fair. Phil had a suspecting idea that Colton wanted to punish Tyler by turning everyone against him, more than anything. Some ungrateful brat in house was definitely going to shift the blame to Tyler, even though he was the one who brought them here in the first place. Dan clicked his tongue, gears turning in his head.

"Well, surely the house system can't continue on like this if Stanley is suspended," Dan lightly argued, fingers fidgeting under the desk. Phil was tempted to grab Dan's hands to make it stop - the nervous energy was contagious.

"We were always fine with four houses before Norbury was founded last year," Mr. Khan said breezily, unfazed.

"But... what if  _all_ the head prefects are suspended from their positions... Surely the house system cannot function then, right? This is hardly a functional punishment," Dan said, slowly. Phil turned to stare at him with wide eyes at Dan's incredulous plot, quickly catching on. Dan was going to make all of the prefects suspend themselves - which wouldn't be difficult at the rate of Colton's stupid rules being carried out - and it would be a significant damage to the school. Then Tyler's sentence would be forced to be evaluated. Phil couldn't believe how crazy Dan was.

"But only Tyler is under probation right now. The prefects will never get demoted, not all at once - so stop getting silly ideas, Daniel. If that's all you've came here for, I'm afraid I have work to do. Please," Mr. Khan gestured to the door with a tight smile, impatient and having entertained Dan and Phil enough. Phil excused himself, dragging a distracted Dan away with him.

"I know what you're planning on, but it's never going to work. You're never getting all four other prefects in trouble as well, even if they somehow agree to - and Colton wouldn't be as harsh on them, enough to trash the house system. Tyler's just being made an example of," Phil convinced Dan as they make the walk back to Stanley. Summer was truly upon them now - the sun was hardly going away at dinner time.

"I'm thinking of making them resign, actually. All of the prefects: all or nothing - if they don't leave Tyler alone, the prefects step down with him. How does that sound? You know all the fineprint about resignation, right? How does that work?" Phil did: he was still fully planning on applying to be a prefect, already slowly getting ready for hustings in the near future.

"Yeah, well, prefects are only allowed to resign with a 'sufficiently valid' reason, and only before the spring half term - only then there's enough time to vote for a replacement. But, there's no stopping anyone from absolutely refusing to carry out prefect duties after the resignation deadline - the school would be in chaos, as well as just the house system. No one would be on duty for lost property, clearing bike racks, so on and so forth - you get the picture," Phil was slowly getting hopeful about Dan's idea. It would take a lot of effort to persuade everyone to basically boycott the school, but if they get enough people behind Tyler's cause, he might just about survive relatively unscathed.

Dan and Phil made it back just in time for dinner, Dan hastily signing in for both of them before Peter the housemaster could snatch away the clipboards. Phil was glad he did - he could never stand to watch Dan's horrifying handwriting. They were still getting used to actually adhering to the sign in system, and being punctual - Phil missed the days when he could just slip in and out whenever he wanted.

"Dan Howell, Phil Lester! Do you guys ever go anywhere without the other?" Peter asked casually, amused.

"No they don't," Mrs. Hedgers the matron chirped in reply, teasing slightly. Peter raised an eyebrow at that, laughing heartily with her. Dan squinted at them with a friendly, challenging glare.

"So? You're gonna report me and Phil as a couple, Peter?" Dan left them shellshocked in silence, smiling victoriously as he turned and walked away, with an arm awkwardly hanging around Phil's shoulder (Phil was slightly taller - sometimes Dan forgot anyone was taller than him at all).

"It's  _Phil and I_  - what happened to top set English," Phil chuckled, earning himself a nudge on the side. Ever since Dan apologised for his paranoia of Phil touching him, he was outwardly showing affection all the time now, seemingly out of spite of all the surveillance they were under lately. It was entertaining for Phil - he had always been the touchy one, clinging onto Dan without remorse or good excuses - this role reversal was refreshing. Phil couldn't help but be struck with a little glee that Dan actually didn't mind him invading his personal space all the time - Phil had been wondering for the longest time. Phil couldn't help but be a bit flirty sometimes - he had gotten rusty ever since his post kinda breakup depression. Sometimes it wasn't even flirting - Phil just liked to smack Dan gently on the head, or ruffle his curls, or tug him by the elbow wherever they went - ultimately, Phil liked being close to people. No matter how long he had been denying himself.

As per Phil's analysis and instruction, Dan decided to approach Ryan Higa at Turing House first, since apparently he was the closest to Tyler. Phil was at Dan's side, of course - after all AmazingPhil was the one who had access to friends and acquaintances all across school. Ryan barely knew Dan, outside of knowing of him as the much talked about prom queen. Turing House was renovated the latest - it was all floor the ceiling windows and new carpets, making Dan go starry eyed ever since they stepped in. Duncan had invited Dan to the Lunar New Year party earlier on in the year, his only excuse to be at Turing- Dan turned him down because he felt he wasn't Asian enough. A party in here probably would've been pretty lit.

"Hey! So, what did you want to talk about," Ryan asked cheerfully, addressing Phil. Phil was the one who messaged Ryan, and got an easy reply almost instantly - Dan could never stop being awed by Phil's social influence. It was Saturday morning, and Ryan was having a pot noodle for breakfast, offering Dan and Phil the same. Dan decided that he already likes the head of Turing.

"I don't know how much you've heard about Tyler..." Phil started, and Ryan's smile fell at that.

"Uh... I heard that he got caught with a boy in his room and now Colton's forcing him to step down."

"Actually, Tyler is refusing to step down but if he doesn't, he's going to get expelled." Ryan's jaw dropped at Dan's words.

"Colton's threatening to call the police - they think he's done it with a minor," Phil added solemnly.

"Did he?" Ryan wasn't judging, but was surprised nonetheless.

"You know Tyler probably better than we do. What do you think?" Ryan's silence was an answer well enough.

"... So I'm guessing you guys think something could be done. Let's hear it. Prom queen here surely has a lot of ideas, if what I've heard of is true," both Ryan and Dan managed a weak chuckle at each other. Dan told Ryan a vague outline of his proposal - to put Ryan's position as head of Turing on the line, threatening to resign if Tyler was made redundant - Ryan didn't flat out reject the idea, but was skeptical.

"This is a lot you're asking for," Ryan said slowly, looking at Dan, then Phil, pointedly. Phil held his gaze.

"I don't know if you could imagine what it's like, but Tyler is being targeted and pinned as guilty simply because of who he is, for something that he can't change." Phil prodded.

Ryan could imagine exactly what it's like - he still remembered, clear as day, in year 9 Maths when Tyler stood up next to him to shamelessly call out the teacher's blatant racist jabs at Ryan. Before then, Ryan and so many Asian and Black boys in school were used to it, immune even - it was just the way it was, and they were too scared to stand up for themselves. For their friends, especially white boys, to defend them against teachers, it took guts - and a certain level of integrity in friendship. Ryan was forever indebted to Tyler for that: Tyler Oakley really wasn't a friend to complain about, gay white American or not.

"...Okay, I'm in. Text me the details of what's going down when you've got them - I gotta go to rugby now. Bye!" Ryan announced cheerfully, clapping Dan and Phil on the back before running off. Dan broke out into a smile, relieved, and Phil smiled reassuringly back at him. One down, five more to go.

Dan initially thought the Holmes boys were probably the tamest and easiest to persuade, but apparently not. The head of Holmes house, Finn Harries was stubborn as hell - he didn't really feel like compromising his place to do law at Oxford. As Tyler said, they should probably declare that they were no longer a prefect, before someone at the uni found out and called it fraud - it wasn't necessary, but there was a certain risk. Not to mention getting on Colton's bad side was definitely high risk.

"You don't ever have to let them know - they probably never will find out," Phil suggested gently.

In the end, it took Dan's sharp, admittedly passive aggressive tongue to push Finn over the edge.

"Eventually, you want to be a barrister, don't you? You know that Tyler is being unfairly punished here - are you really going to stand by the sidelines in the face of injustice?" Finn frowned, deep in thought as he ran his fingers over his perfect blond quiff. Phil thought he rather resembled Taron Egerton in the Kingsman. After a while, Finn Harries finally cracked.

"Fine! I'll  _think about it_ \- tell me the details of how this is going to happen, ASAP. I need all the risks, what exactly am I putting on the table, everything - before I can decide," Finn announced in resolution, despite his twin brother's weak protests. Dan beamed, shaking his hand in a faux professional manner.

"I sure will, sir," Dan couldn't help the touch of dramatic - after all everyone in this house seemed to be a notch posher than the rest of them. Finn snickered.

"You can talk quite well. You thinking about applying for law as well?" Finn asked conversationally. Dan scratched the back of his head, cringing.

"Uh, yeah, I guess. My mum wants me to, anyway."

In the meantime, Phil had been trying to come to an agreement with Jim Chapman, the head boy - who had been silently listening in the entire time, frown deep and hands clasped. He slammed the table suddenly, stunning everyone into silence. Jim looked emotional, for someone who always seemed to be a calm leader.

"I'm gonna do whatever it takes to help Tyler. I need to stop being a wuss - this was all my fault. The headmaster came to ask for responsibility before - I shouldn't have told him anything about the prom queen contest, he wouldn't have gone to Tyler for trouble then. I can't just stand here and let Chicheston go to waste, all this reform is getting too far. I promised to be the people's voice when they voted for me," Dan didn't dare to tell Jim that it was him who started all the prom queen madness, that he had indirectly pulled Tyler into this hot mess. Dan and Phil were just glad that they had the head boy on their side - it really would make a difference.

It was weird that Norbury, as the newest house, wasn't situated further than Stanley. Phil didn't know what to expect - it was originally staff accommodation, so no one had seen the inside of it before. It was rather disappointingly ordinary, to be honest. Neither of Dan and Phil knew the head of Norbury Scott Hoying very well - but they have mutually decided that they would leave the most intimidating the last (the Churchill people, obviously). Phil had only met Scott in passing before, in the gym once or twice - but he was friendly enough to respond to Phil's cryptic request about meeting up. Phil reckoned it was because Scott was eager to shake away his ex-Churchill image of all of them being stuck up - Norbury was definitely a way more welcoming house. (The fact that a lot Stanley traitors had moved here certainly helped the case.)

"I'm sure you guys more or less already heard of what's up with Tyler Oakley," Mitch Grassi scoffed at Phil at that. Dan and Phil, and Scott and Mitch, were sitting opposite each other at what used to be a cafeteria bar for staff, Scott sipping on his protein shake. Phil wasn't really sure why was Mitch there as well - it seemed that Scott and Mitch operated as a conjoined unit: rather than saying that Scott was head of house, it was more fitting to say that they governed together as one. Phil didn't dare to ask any questions about how Mitch was basically a part of Scott, speaking on his behalf at times - it wasn't like Phil himself had a good enough excuse to be here accompanying Dan either.

" _Hearing_  about what Tyler has gotten himself into is an understatement. They have been turning Norbury upside down, trying to find whoever is Tyler's little lover boy. To be honest, I don't really wanna know," Scott elaborated helpfully, making an inside joke with Mitch at the end of his sentence. Dan and Phil grimaced, nodding along sympathetically - they didn't realise Norbury had been caught in the crossfire too.

"And do you intend on protecting whoever it is that's under your roof? Or are you just blaming Tyler for this," Dan very unwisely tried to provoke them. Mitch was about to retaliate, but Scott stopped him.

"Of course I am going to keep whoever it was from harm with my best efforts. I have a duty to the boys here - I practically convinced them to move to this totally new house. And I understand that we can't just sit by and watch Tyler suffer like some symbolic sacrifice. I'm not dumb, I can tell they're trying to make an example of him. It's either we fight back now, or we just get oppressed further and further, right?" At this, Scott and Mitch not so surreptitiously linked their fingers together, Scott seemingly holding on for emotional support. Phil with a sharp eye noticed right away (after all, he was one of the people who decoded Tyler and Troye's relationship very early on - just call him Sherlock Lester), shocked to realise that Scott and Mitch probably had more stakes in this than they would expect.

Phil decided to play along to this observation on his own accord, moving to slowly and deliberately place his hand on Dan's on the table, earning some silent choked off gasps from Scott and Mitch across the table who spotted the gesture. Dan, under the table nudged Phil's knee with his own in panic - but didn't dare to outwardly pull away in case this was important for Phil's grand scheme. Phil smiled at them, convincingly sickly sweet. It was his AmazingPhil million watt smile - Dan knew Phil was definitely going to get what he wanted whenever that smile was out. Unless Dan was biased. (Which he definitely was not.)

"Yes, you're totally right. I'm sure you understand that this isn't just about saving Tyler then, but also for a bigger cause?" Phil asked, smirking slightly, as if acknowledging the unspoken solidarity between them. Phil was almost surprised at how good his gaydar was - he was almost never wrong.

"Okay, so what do you have in mind," Scott coughed, turning to address a dumbstruck Dan. "Let's get to saving Tyler's dumb ass."

Convincing Joey Graceffa, the head of the notorious Churchill house, was easier than they thought. It seemed that Joey hardly minded Churchill's points being frozen as a consequence of their rebellion, since they were way ahead anyway - and he personally had no integrity whatsoever since he was promised a sports scholarship in America anyway. It certainly did help that he was good friends with Tyler, like basically everyone else on the prefect team - Dan was hardly surprised, but he admired Tyler for his wide networks nonetheless. The best Phil could do socially on this mission was laugh awkwardly when Joey complained that he still had a hundred to go before he had as many Instagram followers as Phil did. It wasn't a bad icebreaker, if Dan was to be entirely honest.

Dan's plan was plausibly within grasps, now that he had approval from all the key players of Chicheston (some grudging, but a promise was a promise) - he was rather frightened despite all the determination so far. Obviously, he couldn't drag people into this deal without putting his own foot forward as well - Dan would have to think of a way to put himself on the line for Tyler's name. More than anything, Dan doubted himself, and this plan that might not work at all. Phil had to knock him out of this pessimistic spiral - quite literally, elbowing him gently as Dan almost veered off track on the way back to their dorm.

"Hey Phil, can I ask you a serious question?" Dan quipped, and Phil nodded.

"So... who do you think is the most attractive out of the prefect board? Now that we've met them all," Phil rolled his eyes at Dan, who cackled at his own amusement. He was seriously convinced that being good looking was part of the job description - maybe the silver lining out of this mission was getting Dan closer to all the important and good looking guys.

"Hey! Hey, hey Phil, I have another serious question," Dan said, attempting to actually sound somber. It wasn't like the question wasn't inspired by everything that had been plaguing his mind so far. Phil hummed in annoyance.

"Did  _you_ do it with a minor then? With Charlie?" Phil's face flushed hot as soon as Dan's question was voiced - he didn't hesitate to shove Dan into the tall grass of the fields. He shook his head vigorously, refusing to elaborate. Phil didn't want to believe that he was somehow more sexually experienced than  _Tyler Oakley -_ if Tyler, being Tyler, was somewhat innocent, that meant that Phil had nothing to be ashamed of either. Dan only snickered at the thought, snorting as his laughs burst out loud - he pointedly ignored how he's turning red at the idea of Phil doing anything incriminating with his ex roommate. Definitely not letting his mind wander there today.


	25. revolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell becomes the local bisexual hero by stepping up for Tyler Oakley, their prefect in trouble.

Dan was sweating under the spotlight, heart hammering in his chest - sure, he was crazy nervous about being Jean Valjean on stage for their first night in front of public audience, his first lead role (singing! this was a milestone) - but he was even more worried about what was about to go down next, once the show was over. Singing about crusades and revolutions and righteousness only seemed to mirror his intentions to save Tyler Oakley, five days before the prefect was supposed to give up his badge if he wanted to stay in school for good. Phil wasn't watching in the audience, although he had been dying to see Dan in all his thespian glory - Phil was hiding behind the curtains instead, standing by all ready to back Dan up when the moment came.

Tyler, high up in the box with all the light panels, was simply enjoying a night of his production coming to fruition to take his mind off things, oblivious about what was in the works. Dan, as the lead, didn't disappoint - nailing his big solo and earning a long applause. Tyler smiled, despite himself: he was glad that he had decided to give Dan the opportunity after all, it was nice to see that his faith wasn't in vain. The first show ran through without too many hiccups, and soon enough Dan was leading the entire cast up to the front of the stage for bows - everyone cheered and clapped, including the governors and benefactors that rarely appeared in Chicheston, who were only here to keep up with appearances and pretend that they care by sitting at the front row (as Duncan skeptically told Dan). Dan bowed, again and again in the applause, before breaking out of formation and giving Phil signal to come forward as well, approaching the row of governors. It was now or never - this was their one and only chance to bypass Mr. Colton, the acting headmaster, in the ranks of power; and hopefully impose some change for good.

Phil stepped out of the shadows, handing Dan a big brown envelope. Dan confidently strode towards the audience, until he was within earshot from the first row, all these important and impertinent high class white elderlies who felt too awkward not to engage with the school play's lead actor standing right before them.

"Thank you all for coming to tonight's production. I would like to take the opportunity to raise an issue that has affected the Chicheston community deeply - we feel that a member of the prefect board is being unfairly punished for his identity that he could neither change or is ever stated as a violation against the school. Tyler Oakley, the head of Stanley house, could possibly lose his place at school to sit his exams during his last few months in school, simply because he  _allegedly_ was romantically involved with someone else in the school. We strongly feel that the school should reconsider the punishment - the prefect board has mutually decided to support Tyler by agreeing to resign if Tyler should be demoted as a prefect. So, I urge you to reconsider. Details are signed in this document," Dan pronounced, albeit slightly shakily, handing the envelope over to a bewildered old white lady in front of him. In the envelope was an "agreement" painstakingly crafted by Finn Harries and Dan - Finn making sure there were no loopholes that could be turned against them: signed by Joey Graceffa, Ryan Higa, Finn, Jim, and Scott Hoying (and Mitch - Dan didn't have the heart to stop him, even though no one really knew why did he consider himself involved). This was the boys' trump card - all the prefects revolting against the authority as a last resort.

Colton looked furious as he overheard from three rows behind, standing up to stomp towards the stage. Dan, standing his ground despite being terrified, reached blindly to grab onto the fabric over Phil's elbow. Phil wordlessly stepped closer by his side, back of his hand brushing Dan's shaking palm.

"I'm not afraid to admit that I was the one who orchestrated this," Dan stammered. Phil nudged him with the elbow Dan was holding onto. "And Phil Lester. I think I should remind you that I'm the scholarship student who is currently the only one in lower sixth with three predicted A*s, and Phil Lester singlehandedly has influence over more people in school than any member of staff - and we have been dutiful, squeaky clean, responsible students. We swear on our reputations that Tyler Oakley has been nothing but a crucial, respectable and helpful member of the house and the school - this is us showing our support and standing by him."

"But yeah uh, that's all, hope you all enjoyed the show, have a great night ladies and gentlemen," Phil announced, awkwardly and in haste, when Mr. Colton was almost in proximity, and the governors had made no move to engage or react except for being stunned and gathering into a tight circle to murmur about this astonishing scandal. Phil grabbed an unmoving Dan and yanked him behind the curtains. Before Colton could catch the two of them, the Headmaster was trapped by the crowd of governors demanding an explanation.

Only when the adrenaline started to wear off that Dan realised Phil had been clutching onto his sweaty, shaking palm for the whole time, Phil's bony fingers lacing with his as his only anchor to safety and calm. Dan breathed his nervousness out in one long exhale, finally pulling away only when he was sure he wouldn't collapse from shock. Phil gently leaned in to give Dan a reassuring hug, a quick pat on Dan's back before waving him off to the changing rooms to get out of his gross and sweaty costume.

"So, what do we do now?" Dan yelled across the small distance between them, unwilling to part with the adrenaline so soon. Phil slowly backed away from the hustle of backstage, calling back. "Now we wait."

By the time Dan and Phil were both calmed down and safely tucked into their beds, it was already past midnight. Luckily, and unexpectedly, they hadn't been harassed by any teachers for the stunt they pulled so far, although the paranoia didn't stop Dan from peeking at the open door every other minute, anticipating someone around the corner to jump into their room and ambush them.

Poor Tyler Oakley was still mostly in the dark about what had gone down tonight - not exactly knowing the big picture and the extent of his rescue mission, although he had been too scared to find out himself, happy to live in slight confusion and oblivion. Tyler didn't want to be a burden anymore than he already was for the past few weeks. Like him, most of the general members of the school had no idea what was Dan Howell's little stunt about too, although curiosity flowed between the boys and rumours travelled from corridor to corridor. Word was slowly getting out from the respective Head of Houses - a revolution was brewing in Chicheston.

In the morning, the entire body of Chicheston was treated with another whole school assembly by Mr. Colton again - with the row of prefects sitting on stage in the background, just like last time, although Tyler definitely looked slightly stunned to be included, shocked that he was still on this stage as Head of Stanley at all. (Earlier in the morning, Peter had cryptically informed Tyler that his deal of trading the badge with his right to stay in the school was called off by Colton, and everything was to carry on as before, but Peter didn't elaborate any further.) Some boys were utterly confused about the objective of this assembly, whilst others were sharing knowing glances, waiting with baited breath and speculating Tyler's fate. Dan would've been hyperventilating at the suspense, if it weren't for Phil's steady hand on his knee (to stop Dan's nervous knee bouncing), the two of them safely tucked away from view in one of the alcoves on the side of the room, away from curious pries.

Colton begrudgingly announced a new prefect system for next year, instead of addressing the elephant in the room: from next school year onwards, there would be a teacher picked, back up deputy prefect for each house, in addition to the democratically elected Head of House. He subtly acknowledged the flaw (loophole) in the current system, jabbing at how there was no failsafe should all the prefects choose to rebel against the system. The prefects behind Colton shared relieved and smug smiles with each other, before all turning their attention to a stunned Tyler Oakley, who was slowly clocking on what had his friends done for him. Colton ended his speech with stating that for the remainder of the school year, the prefect structure would stay as it was for now, with  _five_ Head of Houses on the prefect board - it was no explicit public pardon for Tyler, but it was basically implied that his life would be spared. As Colton made his hasty exit, some Stanley boys in the audience began to cheer. Tyler, overwhelmed by the support, was almost tempted to shed a tear - Ryan Higa next to him reached to grab his hand in solidarity and eventually, all the prefects were linking hands and raising them into the air, cheering with the boys below them. The Chicheston boys were slowly winning their own community back.

Mr. Colton by no means stopped being the acting headmaster, but the dictatorial autonomy seemed to pipe down after this dramatic incident. The star of it all, Tyler Oakley, was buried in exams like the rest of the upper sixth boys, and life in school was slowly finding its way back to the new normal. A week later, the open-door-policy was abolished, and uncomfortable conversations about possibly illicit relationships within the students and the school's stance on gay students were underway within the managerial staff. Chicheston was going through an uncertain turbulence, but Dan was at least thankful that the scandal between Tyler (and Troye, unbeknownst to most) was finally dropped, and him and Phil could finally have some peace in their room, door closed.

People started praising Dan as a hero, for stepping up to initiate Tyler's rescue mission. Dan Howell almost had as much as a stand alone presence as Phil now - and one of the most surreal reactions Dan got from this entire ordeal was definitely Ben J. Pierce inspired to come out to him as gay. Ben was feminine in some ways and enjoyed wearing make up, that was no secret to most (especially after the Prom Queen contest, obviously), so Dan wasn't exactly surprised, although he never assumed and felt it was too rude to ask. Dan would be lying if he didn't feel a slight bit touched by Ben 1) trusting him with this information, feeling safe with Dan and 2) almost worshipping Dan as some sort of an activist. Deep down, this overwhelmingly positive response definitely affirmed Dan better in his relatively newfound bisexual identity - he had come a long way from being in complete denial merely half a year ago. For once in his life, Dan was actually just a tad bit proud of himself - he couldn't help but ponder how he could bring this energy forward.

He finally vocalised the thought when they got their Maths AS exams out of the way (the only actually important exams him and Phil had to take during the three-week study leave. Phil was convinced he probably failed and would have to retake next year, although Dan had more faith in his tutoring.) It was the first time in almost a month that Dan and Phil could finally afford to be idle, going to town in the middle of a school day so Phil could do some prop shopping for his next video, and the rest of the day could be wasted in Starbucks.

"So... I have a thought, since the whole Tyler drama worked out in the end," Dan unsurely smirked over his Caramel Macchiato, breaking Phil's trance of playing Crossy Road. Phil put his phone down, curiosity and concern etching his face. Ever since Dan Howell waltzed into his life (and became his new best friend), it seemed that Phil couldn't live a day without drama caused by Dan's crazy schemes. He sighed.

"Exactly what kind of thought?" Phil braced himself.

"Uh... about being gay," Dan lowered his voice slightly, conspiringly, although none of their schoolmates would be within earshot on an otherwise normal school day. Dan still found it weird to say things like that out loud. Phil wasn't scandalised, but his eyebrows were shooting into his hairline in surprise.

"Dan, if you tell me you fancy some year 9 boy and wants to make a move, ask them out, and push the boundaries just because Tyler got away with it without  _being kicked out_ , I swear to God," Phil exclaimed exasperatedly, rolling his eyes at Dan. Dan was stuck between a laugh and being in shock, the concept of his (long time?) crush thinking he was interested in someone else churning weird emotions in his chest. At least Phil still didn't suspect a thing. Oh, Dan had almost forgotten about the now familiar crush sitting in the back of his mind.

"Oh my God, is it Ben J. Pierce? This is a disaster," Phil took the wordless response as a confirmation, going into hysterics now. Dan laughed at that in ridicule, calming Phil down with his vigourous denial through head shaking and flailing arms.

"Ew, no, not Benny! And who do you think I am? Do you think I'm really that reckless? I'm offended," Dan gasped dramatically at Phil.

"Anyway, I was just thinking, we should ride this wave and do something for the gays in school in general. Like, I'm not stupid. I know they exist. At least I'm pretty sure there's already some we know out there -  _Scott Hoying and his Mitch_ ," Dan coughed conspiringly.

"Like, right now there's still nothing official about what's allowed and not. Someone else could just get into trouble again like Tyler - I was thinking maybe if we have enough student pressure it will force them to actually address the gap in the school rules and lay their stance out black and white. So everyone's more protected against Colton targeting the next poor soul with his made up rules, I guess." Dan rambled, throwing out a stream of consciousness at Phil. Phil looked pensive, but he didn't outright reject the idea either.

"Well, if you force them to lay it all out on the table in the school rules, surely it will be worse if they end up actually writing official rules  _banning_ all gays in school?" Phil countered, stealing a sip from Dan's drink.

"Then we go public and complain about the school being homophobic, to like, local newspapers," Dan retorted confidently, snatching his coffee back. Phil nodded.

"Yeah, okay, fair. How exactly are we going to make it happen though," Dan glowed in glee at Phil addressing themselves as a unit, an unspoken agreement that Phil was once again on board with one of his crazy, risque ideas.

"You know those Gay Straight Alliances in American high schools? I was thinking maybe I should start one in Chicheston, making ourselves - the gays - known and forcing the school board to stop ignoring us. Obviously it's a leap of faith that anyone would join, but hopefully Tyler would give me a hand and his friends will support him - also the "Straight" part of the club will make people less stressed and pressurised to be outed or assumed to be gay. I  _hope_ ," Dan bit on his lip unsurely. It definitely sounded like a better idea in his head.

"Dan, you do realise this is effectively outing yourself to the entire school right... are you sure you're ready?" Phil asked gently, stare piercing through with all the seriousness in the world. Dan gulped - he did understand the gravity of this little move - he had considered it for some time now, and although he was low key terrified, Dan was more pressed to face his fears. Ever since joining Chicheston and staring his life anew, Dan felt like a new, braver boy that he never was. Not necessarily different and changed, but someone who he always could've been but was to scared to be. A better Dan. And the better Dan was sure he had the courage to come out to an entire school. He nodded firmly, albeit with nervous palms that started to tremble slightly. Phil smiled assuringly back at him, wordless as he reached out to steady Dan's habitually shaking hands in a firm, reassuring clutch.

"Obviously you don't have to join me if you don't feel comfortable, but it'd be great to have your support, even just behind the scenes, ya know. Or as Head Boy, when you do become head boy, who knows! I might be reckless but it doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless all the time LOL," Dan chuckled to himself, trying to break the ice, but Phil's stare only got more sincerely intense. Phil patted the back of Dan's palm, before moving away.

"Don't worry, I've always got your back. Go out there and fuck shit up like you always do, Dan Howell," Phil smirked. Dan tutted at Phil's off camera filthy mouth, and the tension dissipated instantly. Dan was no longer scared and was ready to take on the world again.

The founding of the Gay Straight Alliance came as a shock to everyone, including Dan's closest friends and his corridor mates. What came as a bigger shock was perhaps the fact that Tyler Oakley wasn't the flag bearer behind the entire campaign, but rather, Dan, who no one really saw coming. (Okay maybe a few did, after all he didn't have to go that far to save Tyler's ass, if he had no personal stakes in it.)  Dan was scarcely out two or three people before this (read: Tyler and Phil, Ben and Connor kinda knew indirectly, his mother is in denial), and this ordeal was obviously him not so subtly declaring himself as somewhat queer, although undefined. His friends weren't sure how to proceed with the news, but were overall awkwardly supportive. No one dared to flat out mention it except for some polite questions about the club (and never direct questions about Dan's sexuality), and although PJ didn't promise an appearance, he helpfully offered to make posters for the screens around the house and mass emailing (a bit too over enthusiastically in Dan's opinion, although he appreciated that it was PJ's way of showing support and wordlessly acknowledging that Dan was still accepted in the friendship group.) Dan didn't care to ask Phil would he be turning up to the first GSA meeting, not wanting to pressurise Phil into possibly outing himself too. One person in the limelight was enough for now, Dan comforted himself, and he always liked being in the limelight, supposedly.

Sitting in an empty classroom with Tyler Oakley, waiting (and hoping) for people to turn up to the first GSA meeting, was perhaps the most nerve wracking thing Dan had inflicted upon himself. The suspense was heavy in the air as him and Tyler exchanged curious and worrying looks, wondering if anyone would turn up, who would turn up, would they be surprised at the turnout. Not so surprisingly, Scott and Mitch of Norbury arrived punctually, together as usual, and Dan had to resist punching the air in victory of his suspicions confirmed. Some younger boys that Dan did not recognise started filtering in as well, timid and slightly intimidated by Tyler's over friendly welcomes (he was quite a celebrity, after all), and Dan couldn't be more relieved that his leap of faith had actually worked. People actually turned up. Jim Chapman even came to support - it meant a lot to have the Head Boy on their side.

Among the familiar faces, the surprises were definitely Sam Tsui and Jon Cozart of Norbury turning up (not together, and Dan highly doubt they came as a unit like their head(s) of house, although he couldn't quite gage were they actually queer), Dan's very own friend CHRIS KENDALL(!) entering the room almost late, without any prior notice to Dan. Dan's shock was poorly hidden on his face, but he readjusted quickly, deciding that Chris perhaps was only here to support the cause. Anyhow, Dan restrained himself from bluntly asking about Chris' sexuality, despite the burning curiosity. He should be professional.

Just before Dan started, after everyone had taken their seats in the informal circle and Tyler's Haribo sweets had been passed around, a latecomer joined Dan by his side. Dan's jaw dropped at the familiar sight of Phil's warm smile, as he politely excused himself for being late, before quickly settling in the empty chair next to Dan. Dan's heart soared at the unexpected support, more than glad to have Phil here keeping him grounded, bumping shoulders with Phil subtly as a gesture of a gratitude before composing himself to begin conducting the meeting. He couldn't believe that Phil actually came.

"Hello everyone, thanks for coming. So, I'm Dan, lower sixth from Stanley if you didn't already know me, hi. So I started this group with the purpose of supporting each other, especially members of the LGBT community, and also hopefully protecting each other from being unfairly punished, if the needs shall arise... again." Dan made a pointed gesture at Tyler, who rolled his eyes casually at that.

"I'm going to talk more about the main motives for the near future and my proposed plan of action later, but here's some fundamental ground rules for now: this is a safe and inclusive space; everyone needs to respect each other, and whatever is said in these meetings will remain confidential within the group. So, I'm thinking of starting with getting to know each other first, if that's okay? Again, I'm Dan, hi, and for the record, I'm bisexual - not that anyone here is expected to disclose their LBGT identity, or lack thereof, unless they are comfortable. Uh, should we go in a circle?" Dan turned to look at Phil expectantly, the breath leaving his chest after he huffed out his fast coming out speech in one go. No one were outwardly fazed by the revelation, although Tyler did shoot him a small smile of pride across the room. Phil waved at the crowd, and the attention was finally off Dan.

"Hey guys, I'm Phil, lower sixth from Stanley, and if you didn't already know me - subscribe to AmazingPhil!" At that, the ice was broken with a little burst of chuckle around the room. Dan was slightly disappointed that Phil didn't come out like he did, but nonetheless he was grateful that Phil was here at all. Phil was always so much better with people and diffusing tension.

They went around the room without much hiccup afterwards - Scott and Mitch unabashedly declared that they were both gay, although strongly emphasised that they  _weren't_ together; Tyler openly announced that he was gay (although you'd have to be living under a rock to not know by now), Connor and Ben stuck with  _queer_ , and surprisingly, Chris did too, although most of the room opted not to say (which was expected). The rest of the meeting went quite smoothly, with some homophobic teachers being named and exposed, and a particularly saucy anecdote from Tyler about an almost-threesome with boys from Radley and Winchester, respectively. (Tyler made sure to clarify that they were both indeed over the age of 18 - he did not need any more illegal rumours flying around again).

At the end of the meeting, whilst everyone dispersed, Dan gathered the courage the grab Chris before he could escape, curiosity getting the better of him. Chris only looked slightly annoyed to have been caught trying to slip away without noticing.

"So... why haven't you tell us about being, well you know, _not straight_ , until you drop this bombshell on me?" Dan asked daringly.

"Well you've never announced you're bi either," Chris retaliated, rolling his eyes at Dan. Dan huffed.

"I thought that was obvious, after I started the club! Anyway, welcome to the club, I guess," Dan smirked conspiringly, still gleeful that his social circle might just be queerer than he thought. He was never alone after all.

"Ew Howell, if you ever hit on me I will not hesitate to file a restraining order," Chris flinched, and Dan poked his tongue out at him in annoyance. Phil was the only sensible one to pull them out this feud and drag both of his friends home.

In the end, Dan decided to formally come out to his friends anyway, feeling bad that he had been dodging the topic and making his friends feel awkward and skirting around cautiously. It wasn't anymore ceremonial than Dan blurting out, "by the way, I'm bi," and most people replying with just a mere neutral "okay" over the dinner table, before they resumed as usual. The most animated response Dan got was Jack repeating " _bi_ the way," but at least it was finally out of the way. Dan initially felt weird that his identity was now in the open, but soon decided that it was hardly as bad as he expected. Everyone still treated him more or less the same, except for acknowledging him as the GSA president once or twice as banter. He didn't have much to lose, Dan decided - he only had two years in Chicheston and they were already almost half way through.

PJ definitely acted more comfortable around Dan now, when he arrived in Dan's room to show him the GSA posters, no longer having to tiptoe around Dan in sensitivity and suspicion after Dan had come out. Dan wondered if PJ knew Chris or Phil weren't straight either, but held firm to his own oaths of not outing any members of the club.

"So... are you and Phil a thing then?" PJ asked, out of the blue, breaking the comfortable silence between just Dan and him in the room. Dan, feeling busted, turned to PJ in shock, panic rising in his throat and was lightning fast to deny.

"Phil uh, he... no," Dan stammered, finding it impossible to deny the feelings he had for Phil but also terrified of accidentally outing him. Dan had no idea if PJ knew that Phil was bi too. But Dan would do everything in his power to stop PJ from being convinced that they were together - if Phil ever caught wind of this and trace it back to Dan's infatuation with him, Dan would actually die of embarrassment.

"If you're worried about outing Phil - I already knew. I guessed more or less when him and Charlie were together. I've been friends with Phil for some years now, he's easier to read than he thinks. I gathered that he probably likes boys, don't know if he still likes girls as well or not.  But honestly, I'm not that bothered. He's one of my best friends," PJ explained calmly, giving Dan just the slightest relief. That was one burden off his shoulder, at least.

"Yeah, alright. Don't tell anyone - including Phil, that I told you - but, uh yes, he's bi like me. We're not together though, I swear to God," Dan emphasised exasperatedly, ignoring the hammering in his chest. He wasn't lying - him and Phil were indeed not together, no matter how disappointing that fact was. PJ looked unconvinced.

"Are you sure? Don't forget that I know Phil like the back of my hand," PJ taunted, which made Dan further annoyed.

"What do you mean, am I sure? I'm pretty sure  _I_ would know whether I'm dating someone or not, thank you very much," Dan said stubbornly, trying to control the blush rising on his cheeks. He never dared to think about  _dating_ Phil at all, much less talk about it.

"Whatever you say, Howell. Anyway, my main point was, if you ever break his heart, I will not hesitate to come after you. Phil has been one of my dearest friends for a very, very long time," PJ threatened, slightly seriously, which confused Dan even more.

"Is this... is this a pep talk? Anyway, how many times have I said, I am  **not** dating Phil, Jesus Christ!" Speaking of the devil, the door handle began to rattle before PJ could come up with another retort. That must be Phil, Dan panicked.

"Conversation over," Dan announced, before shoving PJ out of the door as a confused Phil entered, pointedly ignoring the conspiring (and low key threatening) look PJ shot him last. The inexplicable doubt, however, was much harder to shake off. It seemed that Dan could never bloody survive a month or so without interrogating his relationship with Phil. 


	26. not a double act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil shamelessly uses the shipping of him and Dan to his advantage in the race for Head Boy, but Dan was having none of it.

Dan was getting a lot of stares around school lately. Understandable, really, ever since he became a celebrity and indirectly came out to the whole school. The attention wasn't exactly unfriendly or hostile, but it made Dan self conscious nonetheless, with him receiving curious glances or creepy glares from every corner of the campus. At least everyone established that there was no way Dan Howell was a threatening homosexual - he spent most of his time being some pretty prey rather than predatory every since his first day in school, so that was one thing that didn't change. Sometimes quiet curiosity evolved into snickers and murmur though, particularly when Dan was in the proximity of another male human who so as much as breathed. Especially Tyler Oakley - after all, he was the token gay of Stanley (of the school, let's be real) and Dan could somehow be attributed to be his knight in shining armour.

"Hey, well done for finishing your exams!" Dan said excitedly, when he spotted a rare Tyler Oakley in the dining hall, finally out of stress induced hibernation in the past month. Tyler looked extremely hungover - Dan knew better than to ask why. Just before Tyler could break out a tired smile and respond, they hear loud cackles behind them - Dan turned, irritated, to find some year 8 boys on the nearest table, chattering conspiringly and not so subtly making a point of the space (or lack thereof) between the two known gays of the house. Dan rolled his eyes whilst Tyler gave the boys a dramatic stare down - which finally did the job of shutting them up. Tyler sighed - the audacity of the boys not showing him some respect anymore, honestly.

"Uh, yes, thank you... I'm just glad they're over," Tyler replied amicably, pulling out sunglasses with a flourish (despite it being 7pm with the late sunset spilling into the room), attempting to dull the headache. He shouldn't have drank that much last night, sometimes the Head of House perks and post exam festivities could really backfire. Tyler took a big gulp of his glass of water, before attending to Dan conspiringly, who was refilling his own water bottle in innocence.

"Actually, Dan, I have some business to discuss with you," Tyler shuffled closer, careful to not touch sides with him. Gone were the days when Tyler was the only homosexual around and didn't have to be hyperaware. He was going to throw a fit if anyone else commented on his interactions with tall, skinny, brunet boys. (Oh lord it did seem like he had an obvious type.) 

Dan absentmindedly turned back towards him, humming.

"So... the end is near. Someone has to take over from me soon. Ever thought about applying to be Head of House?" Tyler smirked at him. Dan could scarcely hide his surprise - the thought hadn't even crossed his mind.

"Me? But, surely not! I mean, I'd love to, but I'm new and everything... Someone like PJ or Phil would probably be better at this..." Dan stammered, hardly believing that he could ever step up to Tyler's role. He vividly remembered the moment when Tyler was introduced to him for the first time - the confidence, the utter respect and authority Tyler exuded was something that Dan couldn't even aspire to. Dan was just a nobody in comparison. A celebrity featured in rumours, sure, but Dan was just a newbie who certainly couldn't be in charge of the entire body of Stanley house, never.

"Hunny, you're gonna be an upper sixth soon. You're not new anymore - and why would you think you're not good enough? You've done plenty for the house! You were in House Song, and then you got the Oscars for Pantomime... let's not forget Prom Queen," Tyler frowned at Dan, who didn't look convinced.

"I... I just haven't even thought about it," Dan stammered, biting his lip uncertainly. He didn't outright reject it this time though.

"Well, start thinking about it. Hustings start next week. If you do apply, I have total faith in you. I'll even put in a good word for you - not that any of the senior teachers like me very much right now, ha. But yeah, it's a democratic vote - many people like you enough, and you're certainly popular. And You are definitely Tyler Oakley endorsed," Tyler pushed his sunglasses down slightly to share a conspiring look. Dan gulped.

"You would do that for me?" Dan was starting to doubt himself less now, the idea of being a prefect, being important, and most of all, hopefully making a change - it was beginning to sound tempting. Tyler nodded, downing another glass of water before making a move to walk away.

"Of course! Think about it," Tyler waltzed off then, ignoring some wolf whistles from Chris who had caught sight of the two of them together. Dan only tolerated Chris because 1) they're friends and 2) queer solidarity. Dan stood next to the tap for another second, pensive and slightly stunned.

"Hustings' soon, apparently," Dan quirked in fake nonchalance, in between sucking on his ice lolly. He was precariously perched on the window sill to get most of the breeze in this hot weather, whilst Phil mirrored him by sitting on his own desk, legs dangling and chewing on the stick left from his already devoured lolly. Lessons had resumed, and they had work to do - but Dan and Phil were reluctant to part with the idle mood so soon, especially in this holiday heat they rarely got in ye olde England. Phil hummed, unsure where this conversation was heading - he was fully aware that prefect hustings were approaching, having agonised for ages over whether to chase his ambitions of applying for Head Boy. He wondered if Dan was about to give him a pep talk by bringing it up.

"Yeah, you thinking of applying?" Phil joked, diverting expertly - he kicked his wheely chair into the centre of the room with one foot, which Dan easily caught by extending a leg in front of him. He rested his feet on Phil's chair, gently swirling it around and avoiding eye contact.

"Actually, yeah. Tyler said I should go for his position, fill into his shoes," Dan muttered, trying to skim over the topic lightly. Phil erupted into liveliness.

"Oh my God, you should! You'd be great at it, do it. I can totally see you being Head of House, yeah," Phil encouraged sincerely, more excited for Dan's prospects than his own. Dan couldn't hide his grin at that, laughing unbelievably at himself. Phil's affirmation meant the most to him.

"You think so? Really?" Phil grinned back like an excited puppy.

"You kidding me? Yes of course! Everyone loves you, and you've contributed so much this year, there's no competition at all," Phil supplied helpfully, edging Dan on. Dan scoffed.

"Well yeah, everyone totally still loves me after I dramatically outed myself as a big ol' gay," Dan rolled his eyes at himself, poorly disguising his genuine concern. He knew that in the end, prefect hustings were primarily a contest of popularity. And although he was certainly known around the house (and around campus, God forbid), it was rarely for the right reasons. Phil didn't seem discouraged from the idea though.

"Honestly, if I were you, I would play it to your advantage. It could work. You don't have to be macho to be Head of House - I mean, look at Tyler. And Stanley has always prided itself as the progressive house - I would get even louder and more reckless if I were you, local disaster Dan Howell. Get in the gay votes! Be the voice of the little people! Everyone would totally buy it," Dan cringed a little, but couldn't help but match Phil's blinding, smug smile. Dan was already slowly making his mind up - it was just nice to have some kind of approval from Phil every time he indulged in another of his crazy schemes. He could always count on Phil to give him the last push, to become the crazy stupid brave Dan.

"How about you then? Head Boy?" Dan taunted, raising an eyebrow at Phil. Phil groaned, attempting to throw Dan off balance by kicking at his leg, but didn't argue against it outwardly. After all, he had been contemplating it since the start of the year. Dan took the silence as an invitation to challenge Phil further.

"You know what, if you go for Head Boy, I'll do it. Deal or no deal?" Dan wiggled his eyebrows playfully. Phil sighed dramatically - he couldn't see why not. It wasn't like he had anything to lose anyway - it was their last year in school, they might as well make the best of it.

"Okay, okay! Deal, deal. You have to do it, alright? Not like I'll get it anyway," Phil grunted unwillingly, hand limp in the enthusiastic handshake Dan forced him into.

"Hey! Don't say that, I think you have a fair chance," Dan exclaimed, clapping Phil on the shoulder. "But if you are a snake and snatch Head of House from me, I'm kicking you out of this room."

Phil laughed, shaking his head and solemnly swearing that he would never dare to steal Dan's spotlight. Phil couldn't believe he was actually doing this - putting himself out there and out of his comfort zone. It was getting increasingly difficult to stay as the cool, calm and collected Phil who was always a bit cold and tucked away in the background - with Dan around, Phil always inevitably get pulled into the whirlwind that was Dan Howell's colourful and dramatic life. And maybe it was for the better - Phil was lacking some noise in his life before then.

"Hi, hello everyone. Ahem," Dan raised his voice nervously, trying to get everyone's attention in the middle of the common room. Not many people were here anyway, it was just a trial run of hustings - since only members of Stanley get to vote on their Head of House, it made sense for candidates to sell themselves in front of their house first, before going onto the school-wide hustings. Dan was struggling a bit to get the crowd to quiet down though - what a great fucking start.

"Hi Daniel," a year 10 boy at the front replied sultrily, adding a wink in the end to contribute to the dramatics, effectively catching everyone's attention (and laughs). Dan chuckled drily back, rolling his eyes - the flirting wasn't genuine, obviously, and the boy didn't mean harm - but Dan was clearly the butt of the joke here. Sometimes he could really do without pretty boys thinking it's funny to purposefully mess with him, as much as it surprised Dan himself to deny attention from attractive boys. It was time for him to be charming, instead of being charmed by stupid boys all the time.

"Thank you for the attention," Dan smiled at the boy sarcastically. "Hi all, I'm Dan Howell, if you don't know me already. Your prom queen, remember?" At that, some cheers erupted. Dan spy a Chris Kendall in the corner, he could almost always count on Chris to be his biggest fan and also biggest bully. His peers making fun of him and self deprecation was always the way to go.

"Anyway, I'd like you guys to consider the wild concept of me being your Head of House next year. You see, not to brag, but we're  _not_ in last place right now - Whoop whoop! - and I'm pretty sure half of the points could be credited to me. I mean, being Shrek and prom queen isn't exactly glorious, but someone has to do it right? Clearly I'm that someone who's ready to serve you all," Dan managed to get some laughs here and there, which was good. Comedy was the way to go - Dan could do this for a living, screw serious acting.

"In terms of my skills and experiences - hmm, my CV is a bit thin, but does being lead singer in Les Mis count as leadership skills? Uh, and as everyone know, I'm the founder of the new Gay Straight Alliance - okay Jack stop snorting, I can see you in the corner. I mean, I did manage to get all the head prefects agree on something for once, and that is quite something, right?" Tyler's applause made up most of the cheers in the room. It certainly helped Dan's case that he was basically the only candidate running for the position - save for PJ, who was hardly serious and only asked for votes so he had something to put on his uni application.

Tyler piped in to try to be helpful. "Yep vote for Dan y'all, don't forget he saved my ass!"

"Anyway, if I get voted, I have big plans for you guys. Subsidies for bikes and repairs, maybe a shuttle golf car that goes to school - okay that's a bit too far. Push classes back by fifteen minutes at least, so you can stop using the 'Stanley is far' excuse. And, most importantly - girlfriends visitation rights!" At that, the boys were hollering. Dan knew he had hit the bullseye.

"Well, and  _boyfriends_  too, if that's your cup of tea," Dan winked, before bowing and diving into the crowd to escape the attention. Getting in on the joke on himself being gay (bi!) felt a bit weird, but whatever played to the audience, Dan was shameless enough to use it. At least no one was retching yet - they all found him funny, and his popularity was already in place for a while now. Fingers crossed for Dan.

Dan had to repeat the process again, but in the real thing this time - a lunchtime gathering in the hall, on the stage, with a real microphone; and his hands were shaking as usual. The voting system was weird - only house members get to decide their respective Head of Houses, but everyone also get to vote on whether candidates generally deserve to be a prefect at all. Dan didn't really understand, but he suspect that if more Stanley boys cast votes for Phil than him, it probably meant that the position would go to Phil instead. That was a conflicting thought - Phil deserved to get something, but Dan would be bitter for losing it to Phil. Phil better become Head Boy.

Dan went through his pitch, without much hiccup - and with way less gay jokes, obviously, although Phil told him to play it to his favours. Dan gathered that the general population of Chicheston was already rowdy enough at the mere mention of his new little gay club - there wasn't any more that Dan could do to get more votes. Dan already coerced (low key threatened) everyone in GSA to vote for him - if those boys betrayed him he would be seriously disappointed, and probably also screwed. Dan's last hope was gay solidarity - now he couldn't do much else except fall back on the Stanley boys. And make a Facebook Event for  _Vote Dan Howell as Head of Stanley_ , maybe, apparently social media advertising was allowed now, according to Jim.

Naturally, Phil's pitch followed Dan's, and his was obviously a much bigger deal: no one expected 1) anyone in Stanley to run for Head Boy and 2) that person to be the dark horse Phil Lester. Phil absolutely refused to practice his pitch in front of Dan, so no one had heard it yet - Dan's guess was as good as anyone else. Most people were curious what was Phil Lester going to bring to the table, and whether he had a chance to rival the usual favourites in popularity. Quite a few Churchill lads were running against Phil this year, and even a wild card, Eugene Lee Yang from Turing, who was surprisingly popular (and devastatingly handsome, Dan noted). Phil had some tough competition to beat.

"Hey guys! My name is Phil Lester and I'm running for Head Boy. I'm from Stanley and I do English, Maths and Art. You might know me from my Youtube channel, AmazingPhil - whoop subscribe! Thank you for that plug, Ben. Anyway, if you're familiar with AmazingPhil, you would know I have a habit of speaking up for the people who couldn't fight for themselves. And that's what I really want to work on in the coming year - fight for the little guy, stop bullying, and celebrating the diversity we have here in Chicheston. 

Firstly, I'd like to host more cultural events to accommodate for everyone - Chinese New Year, Hanukkah, even Thanksgiving for the Americans, you name it. I want everyone to feel welcome here in this school. One particular thing I really want to push for is for kitchen opening hours to cater for those who fast for Ramadan - and by being Head Boy, I can implement these across all houses. 

Number two on the agenda, I would like to reassess the dress code. I believe everyone has the freedom to express themselves to an extent, be it through makeup, haircut or piercings, as long as it is respectful. 

And then here comes the hard one - I would lift the ban on cultural and racial societies in school. I know we said they're  _exclusive_  several years ago, but I'm not gonna lie, sometimes shifty things and - low key oppression ahem, could happen right under our noses, if we don't give the little guys a voice. I know I can't speak for them as a popular white boy, so here I am giving them a voice," 

Phil's speech was fluctuating between his AmazingPhil persona and his presentation voice - Dan was rather impressed and stunned, if he were to be honest. And Phil was hitting some hard truths: you wouldn't imagine someone who seem as lighthearted as Phil Lester would outright tackle these rather sinister problems in the school, but Phil stepped up. He was getting a good response so far, getting applauded every now and then.

"One last thing I'd like to declare! I just wanted to announce that, I am also a proud member of the Gay Straight Alliance, kudos to my friend Dan Howell for setting it up," Phil pointed to Dan in the row of candidates behind him, whose face started heating up. Dan rolled his eyes in fondness to ignore his embarrassment -  _Thanks buddy for putting him on the spot._

"I stand firm with the LGBTQ community here in school, and just know that I hear you, no matter you're seen or not. I'm here to serve, and make everyone's lives better and equal. Thank you for your time, and please do vote for me for Head Boy. Thanks!" Phil grinned awkwardly as he passed the mic away, waving at the small crowd of Stanley boys who were cheering the loudest amongst everyone else. Phil moved to join Dan, away from the spotlight, but it seemed that their friends had other plans. Soon enough, the little sea of blue in the audience had broken into a chant of  _Stanley! Stanley!_  to cheer on their rare representation. Dan and Phil stood gingerly on the stage side by side, smiling at the support.

"Dan and Phil! What a power couple!" Connor moronically yelled out, and before either of them could register what was happening, the audience was hollering and exploding into cheers. Dan only realised what Connor had implied when it was way too late - Phil had made a bold move to mention being in the GSA in his speech (which was what Dan had wanted a week ago, right?). And sure, whilst it was no explicit coming out, people would start suspecting and talking. Dan wondered if Phil was desperate for the gay vote too. But damn Connor for being a stirrer - slip up or not, this would be the death of Dan (after he kills Connor first for this). Connor had known about Dan's crush on Phil since very earlier on, he probably had done this on purpose. Great, now Phil was also entangled into the very intriguing gossip about Dan Howell and his love life (exclusively just with boys - do people pointedly ignore what bisexuality means?) Dan dreaded the aftermath - having PJ alone speculating his and Phil's relationship was already agonising, the last thing Dan needed was every single person in Chicheston scrutinising his interactions with his  _roommate_ , for Christ's sake.

Voting started and all the candidates went crazy to fight for votes. Dan's Facebook campaign paled in comparison to the fly-posting and free food tactics boys from other house would resort to. Phil, in AmazingPhil fashion, obviously made a video for it, purposefully flashy with tacky WordArt of  _MORE PARTIES! REPRESENTATION! FIGHT RACISM AND HOMOPHOBIA!_ flying across the screen. What Dan was not prepared for was for one cheeky younger boy to leave a Youtube comment about the rumour that Connor accidentally started. 

 _"Are you and Dan together?? Go stanley go!!"_  it read, amassing several likes from other boys in school who were in on the joke. 

What surprised Dan even more was AmazingPhil's reply:  _What do you think ;)_ \- which succeeded to send everyone into overdrive, speculating about what Phil possibly could have implied and even stirring curiosity in the rare Youtube viewer who didn't go to Chicheston. Everyone who watched AmazingPhil knew who Dan was - he was featured quite a lot in Phil's videos and they seemed close, and it was probably mentioned once that they were roommates. The ever so gossip hungry Chicheston boys latched onto this juicy drama; and not before long everyone was interrogating the nature of this rather public could-be relationship. Dan and his poor heart was not going to survive.

Following Phil everywhere was really a bad idea, Dan realised belatedly, when he stepped into Holme's common room to join Phil on his conquest via bribing with free sweets. Everyone was excited by the sight of Dan Howell and Phil Lester together, Phil's supporters suddenly growing as a crowd as they approached to giggle and greet Dan as well as their prospective Head Boy. Dan really shouldn't have come. When a boy conspiringly told Phil that he had his vote for Head Boy, Phil somehow found it necessary to add, "Well, don't forget to vote Dan as a prefect too. We come as a package," which sent some boys into a frenzy.

The worst that happened was, as they were leaving the room, somehow Phil took the liberty to grab Dan's hand by his, held their linked hands overhead in a triumph stance, and getting everyone to applaud them. (What the fuck was this - the Hunger Games?) Dan was utterly confused - his hand tingling where Phil was touching him, face burning at the total humiliation of all these people under the impression that they were together and were actually, God forbid, cheering them on - the doubt of Dan himself  _actually not realising him and Phil were acting like a couple_  was resurfacing after being planted there by PJ. It wasn't like Dan wasn't used to physical contact with Phil, they accidentally hold hands all the time, it wasn't a big deal - but never in this context, when it was explicitly read as romantic. Dan hated this, it wasn't fair - it affected him so much but Phil was so nonchalant about it. Phil clearly felt nothing in return.

On the walk home, Dan was quiet and pensive, and Phil was being carefree as usual, totally not catching onto Dan's internal monologue. However, when they arrived back to the house, they were attacked by Peter dragging both on them into the office for a  _chat_. Dan panicked, his inner turmoil momentarily forgotten - it seemed like they were in trouble and he couldn't figure out why for the love of God.

"Hey, how's it going," Peter said casually, trying to ease into whatever was the real reason he brought the two of them in. Dan, already irritated, wished that he would just get to the main point without fuss. After some small talk, Peter cleared his throat awkwardly to finally break whatever he was going to tell Dan and Phil.

"So uh, I've been hearing some things around lately ... about the two of you," their housemaster said gingerly, and Dan resisted the urge to groan and roll his eyes dramatically. Of course they were going to get in to trouble for  _that_ , how could they forget about the turbulent political climate in school so quickly. It wasn't long ago when Tyler was about to get kicked out.

"Obviously whatever you two do in your private time is none of my business, but uh... yeah, actually it is. You guys know what Mr. Colton is like, and you two are roommates as well, so it's not going to be pretty when word gets to him. I'm not saying that you two are in trouble, you guys are great - Dan I'm actually so looking forward to working with you as Head of House - but, here's just a warning to keep you guys out of trouble. I would hate to see you two gone, eh?" Dan was quick to deny all rumours about him and Phil, although Peter didn't look convinced - he only reiterated that Dan and Phil should stay on the low and be less public. Dan wanted to scream.

"This is all your fault, UGH!" Dan cried, once they were finally in the privacy of their own room. He might be in tears, he wasn't really aware in the moment of frustration. Dan didn't know why he was getting so worked up over this, he just wanted everyone to stop deducing whether him and Phil had something in between them, making Dan conscious and overthinking his every move. He was sick of everyone trying to decipher him, when even Dan hardly knew what he was feeling half of the time. And worse, Dan was terrified of Phil reading into anything that he did. They spent too much time together and Dan really didn't need that stress.

"Dan, I'm so sorry," Phil exclaimed in panic, after initially feeling lost. Dan was always the more emotional out of the two of them, but seeing him distressed was one of the most upsetting things Phil could ever go through. Phil hated the thought that he might have unintentionally hurt Dan. 

"I'm so sorry for using the...  _shipping,_  for exposure and votes! I had no idea you minded so much, I'm so sorry, I should've asked," Phil explained sincerely, and Dan, furious (and mostly bawling his eyes out), wanted to retaliate with something bitter, but realised he had no coherent thoughts that he could voice. All he could do was heave and cry. When Dan showed no more signs of being hostile, Phil relaxed his tense form slightly, carefully approaching Dan with a polite distance between them. He needed to fix this.

"If you're really upset about it, I can clarify on the Internet or something, maybe after voting is over. Heck, I'll do it now, I don't care, as long as you stop worrying about it. We can even stage a break up if they don't buy it? Please, just talk to me, Dan. I'm really sorry," Phil wasn't one to get teary eyed, but Dan's lack of response had stirred something bitter and unsettling at the bottom of his throat, making Phil's heart and lungs and everything feel heavy inside him. Phil regretted everything he did, even though he wasn't sure what exactly went wrong. Dan was starting to calm down now, although the tears were still slowly flowing, making a clear track over his now blotched cheeks. Phil's heart hurt looking at him, knowing that he made Dan into this wreck.

"I... I really don't know why I'm so upset over it. I'm overreacting. I'm not sorry though, and you should be!" Dan finally voiced weakly, even attempting a bitter laugh at Phil. Phil, in utter relief, broke out into a sheepish smile, not arguing back for himself - he wasn't going to invalidate Dan's feelings even though Dan belittled himself. Phil might not understand, but he did upset Dan, nonetheless.

"Maybe the stress has finally caught up on you. It was an incredibly brave thing you did, to go ahead with the GSA and basically come out, and then keep mentioning it in hustings and stuff. You're being hard on yourself - you're already doing better than most people. You're definitely doing better than me, ha. And I'm sorry if me bringing it up has made it worse... Do you feel uncomfortable with people thinking we're together? I can definitely stop messing with them if you want, it is my fault. I kinda know what I was doing, I'm sorry," Phil admitted guiltily, and a small part of Dan (who wasn't too busy breaking down) wanted to punch Phil for it, if he were to be honest. So Phil  _knew_  what he was doing, was low key consciously flirting with Dan for the sake of it. How dare him make Dan suffer so much like that! But Dan always forgives Phil, he knows he would. Dan slightly hated himself for doing it, but it was done again.

"Mmm, maybe the coming out anxiety is hitting me. But can we talk my feelings out later? Right now I just want to go wash up and stop embarrassing myself," Dan lied through his teeth, the anger slowly bubbling away. At least Phil would try to stop now, all the hints and winks and flirting that slowly sent Dan into madness -and although Dan would appreciate the decrease in public interest that would come with it, he felt conflicted too. But there were more pressing matters at hand - Dan's top priority should be keeping Phil in the dark from how he felt. Keeping Phil at a safe distance was only the first step.

Dan was doing everything in his power to convince everyone that him and Phil were not a double act - maybe he should start convincing himself so too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "not a double act" is supposed to channel 2012 vibes but that i realised i blocked that dark part of history from my memory


	27. turning a new page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's first year in the school is wrapping up as he and Phil step into the shoes of Head of House and Head Boy, and they look forward to a summer together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter marks 100k words! woop!

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," Dan chanted unbelievably as Jim Chapman announced next year's elected Head Boy on stage, the audience erupting into loud cheers. Dan might have heard it wrong, the hollering covered up Jim's voice immediately, but it was unmistakable that Phil Lester was the one who stepped out from the line up of candidates. Phil was going to be Head Boy - Dan squealed and cheered, hugging Tyler next to him - he was even tempted to shed a happy tear. Dan was hardly as excited when he himself was announced as next year's Head of House and was handed a blue tie with not the ordinary black, but silver stripes across it - obviously Dan  _was_ over the moon for achieving his own goals, but nothing could compare to seeing Phil Lester finally get the recognition he deserved. Dan was slightly disappointed that he couldn't act on the buried urge to tackle Phil with a bear hug and squeeze him tight immediately after the news broke, a bit lost in the crowd once the adrenaline wore off - he couldn't help but regret the mere minutes before this moment, when Phil was still beside him, when Tyler announced him as the next Head of House and Phil only bumped shoulders with Dan, refraining from any outrageous display of affection. Dan and Phil had made up since Dan's little breakdown a few days earlier, but Phil was still weary and hyperaware than usual. Whilst Dan appreciated Phil's respect for his boundaries, he was conflicted. He did miss Phil, especially when they weren't under the stress of being watched - nowadays Phil felt so far away. But the rational part of Dan knew he was right to lash out and make Phil fix this - as Phil was being celebrated on stage, Dan still felt some curious eyes wander to him for no explicit reason. He felt like he was in the Oscars - they always surreptitiously turn the camera towards the winner's significant other off stage to capture their reaction. (Not that Dan was an equivalent to Phil's  _significant other,_  obviously.)

Dan went for the hug anyway, once the entire successing prefect board was summoned to join Phil on the stage and Sam Tsui took the lead to reach in for a pat on the back. Everyone took terms exchanging friendly hugs with Phil, so consequently it was natural for Dan to do the same too - everyone cheered a bit louder the millisecond Dan and Phil were colliding bodies, but Dan couldn't make himself care so much, when he was too busy grinning ear to ear and muttering an intelligible squeal to Phil that was supposed to convey a sincere congratulation. Phil couldn't help but break into a brilliant, genuine smile as well, melting away from the buzzing but nervous stance he was clinging onto ever since he stepped on stage. This was happening; he just became the most important, arguably most liked student in Chicheston. If little bullied Phil with crooked teeth and spiky ginger hair could see him now.

Once the handover began, everything felt more real: this was no longer a fever dream of running on adrenaline and going for hustings for the kicks, they actually got work to do. After their first few prefect board meetings, both with the outgoing prefects and some teachers, Dan got to familiarise himself with the people he would be working with next year. Obviously, there was Phil as Head Boy, whom he already knew very well (way too well to ever maintain a friendly yet professional relationship, Dan thought); Churchill was represented by Marcus Butler, who was supposedly prom king opposite Dan's queen (but there was zero interaction between them until now - not that Dan would've wanted any, to be honest), Joe from Dan's English class lead the Holmes house; the mysterious Eugene Lee Yang who went for Head Boy became Head of Turing instead; and of course, Sam (who Dan was acquainted with through Gay Straight Alliance) taking over from Scott's position as Head of Norbury. Overall, comfortably familiar faces everywhere - Dan wouldn't lie that he secretly did a count, and was satisfied at how half of them (that he knew of) weren't straight. Dan could feel right at home then, with all the boys who at the least weren't strangers - except Eugene, who intimidated Dan a lot. He seemed cool though.

Phil, and Marcus, Joe, Eugene, Dan and Sam were to shadow the current prefects through the last two weeks of term, and from then onwards they were on their own - the end was near. Dan wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to Tyler yet, who was his mentor in more ways than one - he was definitely nowhere near ready to be an upper sixth and the oldest in the school, but time waited for no one. Soon enough, him and Phil were approached by the house staff about room ballots for next year - everyone else too, of course, but Dan was supposedly in charge of organising it and both him and Phil had prefect privileges. Their duties were really sinking in now (with the perks). Mrs. Hedgers told them that normally prefects were entitled to the massive single rooms in the attic, but Dan, as the person who allocated everyone according to their preferences, basically had the freedom to go into whichever room he liked, and technically same goes for Phil, who got to choose before everyone else. Phil brought Dan around to look at the vacant single rooms once they were dismissed, since Tyler was the only one who moved into one. Dan peered into the rooms curiously, but was uncharacteristically silent as they walked through corridors side by side. Phil was spacing out as usual, deep in his thoughts.

"There's another option than the attic rooms, actually," Phil suggested slowly, when Dan showed no signs of expressing any opinion, even well after they returned to their own room.

"How would you feel, about sharing a room again next year? There's these two very nice ensuite rooms, in West Wing, right next to the end of the bike shed - I didn't take you there earlier because they're both occupied... but yeah, those two are the only ensuite rooms in the house. I thought you might like that," Phil said hopefully, "Obviously, don't feel obliged to say yes. I really don't mind either way."

Truth to be told, Phil minded very much. If he were honest with himself, he would feel incredibly lost without a roommate (read: Dan as a roommate, in particular), having gotten used to Dan after merely a year. Phil was so determined to be alone before Dan arrived, convinced that he was better off alone - but now, Dan was such a familiar constant in his day to day life in Chicheston that Phil couldn't foresee another year in school, back in solitude and not having Dan there whenever he looked back into the room behind him. Obviously, even if they got single rooms, they could be neighbours, and Phil could still barge into Dan's room whenever (or vice versa). But it just wouldn't be the same, and eventually they would grow apart because Phil would get self conscious about being a burden. Ever since Dan clearly drew the line between them (which Phil totally understood and respected, he reiterated to himself, not at all bitterly), Phil just wanted some reassurance that Dan still wanted him around. That he was still Dan's best friend. (he  _was_ , right?)

Dan couldn't be anymore relieved at Phil's suggestion. His heart sank when he heard that it was expected of him to live in a room by himself next year - of course, Dan was no stranger to solitude, he had grown up fairly independent and easily adaptable to change. And yet, ever since starting out in Chicheston, cohabiting with Phil was the only normal he had ever known. Come to think about it, Dan always had Phil by his side as long as he remembered (although in the virtual form of AmazingPhil), and now that he had gone this far to become Phil's roommate and, arguably, closest friend, Dan wasn't sure he could let it go just yet. He was going to bring it up before Phil even did, actually, but was too worried about being imposing - after all, Phil never asked for a roommate, Dan just kind of happened to him. Dan was too preoccupied to take initiative in asking for something more - after all, just not long ago he asked for distance between the two of them when it was too overwhelming for him. Dan didn't think it was in his place to constantly dictate the dynamic of their friendship and demand Phil of compromises for Dan's indecisive character, which Phil always accommodated for with no complaint. If Phil hadn't took the step himself, Dan would've regretfully but willingly let Phil walk away. Dan never knew what was appropriate anymore - he was obviously way more invested in this relationship than Phil was, and he hated the thought of straining Phil for it. Dan rather be an unhappy individual than Phil's clinging burden.

"Amazing. Let's go West Wing then, shall we?" Dan exclaimed, a bit too excitedly, before turning around to pull up the room allocation spreadsheet on his laptop, in pretence of being nonchalant and professional - obviously he wasn't going to leave room for arguing and backing off, now that Phil had already given him a chance. Behind him, Phil sighed in relief without Dan noticing - they had been a bit weird lately ever since Dan got worked up over everyone spying on their relationship status. Phil later realised that it was indeed his fault, he was just fooling around as usual and trying to get away with stealing intimacy without the commitment and Dan was having none of it - Phil shouldn't have gone overboard, in hindsight. It wasn't fair on poor Dan. Phil was just glad that they could repair this, despite him clearly having taken advantage of Dan and unintentionally hurting his best friend. Phil would have to try harder to not do it again, he hated himself for compulsively falling into it all the time - casually flirting and cosying up to someone without really meaning to, and backing up like a coward once he was caught in the act. Phil blamed his fear of commitment - he knew that he had issues, he should do better than to expect someone with a kind heart like Dan to always stick with him through thick and thin, especially through Phil's bullshit. This was Phil's attempt to put in effort for once, thank God Dan rolled with it immediately - Phil didn't think he could handle the rejection.

"So... we can move into our new room once term finishes right. I think I might stay here during the summer unless I have somewhere else better to go to. I'm definitely not going home though - my dad's flying here for work in August and then we'll all spend some time at nan's, I think. How about you? Any summer plans?" Dan rambled once he was done with his prefect admin duties, asking in genuine curiosity. He was really hoping that some of his friends would stay in school during the holidays, despite it rarely being the case; more importantly, his room ( _their_  room! Dan reminded himself) would feel so eerily empty with him and Phil parted for the long holiday. It was too soon to part, Dan thought - this school year had been too hectic, and it zoomed past before he could even register. And although he did get to know Phil very quickly in this one year, he never get much time to just chill and exist in Phil's company outside of their school life and dramatic antics. If only they could relive that time when Dan spent Christmas at Phil's - non stressful and domestic and most importantly, they were alone and away from the rest of the world (to a certain extent, at least). Dan missed Phil's simple presence - lately he had been so wrapped up in obsessing (and fretting) over the concept of Phil Lester that he was so supposedly inappropriately infatuated with, that he had actually neglected his best friend. Dan wished they had more time to themselves.

"Actually I might stay for a bit this year too. So my family goes on holiday to Florida every year in August, but now that Martyn is in uni it makes more sense for our parents to pick us up on the way rather than both of us travelling up. Plus, he's got an internship at uni... and I'm supposed to be 'revising' heh. So, should be fun staying here," Phil smiled warmly at Dan, suddenly feeling shy and awkward like they weren't already best friends. Phil felt a bit out of touch with Dan ever since all the gay drama in school - honestly he was eager to renew their friendship again, get to spend some quality time with just Dan. It definitely crossed his mind that they were racing against time too - no one was certain of what happens after they graduate next year, and Dan and Phil's friendship could expire very soon. Phil wanted all the time with Dan he could have.

The end of term dawned on them quicker than anyone could comprehend. Stanley, miraculously, came in third place in the league of houses after the finale of Sports Day (in which Chris did the 1200m sprint and almost died) - the massive cup felt heavy on Dan's shoulder, despite him sharing the load with Tyler. (It was really difficult - Tyler was basically holding it over his own head but it only reached Dan's shoulder.) Dan was slowly getting the hang of being Head of House and was no longer terrified of the prospect of handling this himself, not that he had a choice - Tyler was leaving Chicheston for good tomorrow, not even bothering to come back for graduation (it clashed with London Pride parade: questionable priorities, but also understandable). Phil was busier than ever - school work had almost winded down to nothing now, but he had a lot of Head Boy duties on his plate that he was still trying to juggle. Dan even offered to help pack his stuff (they were due to move into WW1 aka West Wing 1, the day after graduation slash prize giving day), but Dan gave up almost instantly - Phil's chaotic way of organisation (or lack thereof) was completely incomprehensible and Dan was convinced any more attempts to sort Phil's mess out will make him spontaneously combust.

Whilst Phil was too busy to entertain Dan, he took the liberty to station himself in the common room (mostly empty, everyone was busy packing now), summoning the very last batch of boys who haven't been allocated rooms for next year yet. It was already 8pm but the sun was still barely setting - Dan could get used to this. He appreciated summer more ever since moving away from Singapore (and Southeast Asia in general) - the British weather cheering up slowly throughout the year seemed to mirror his journey in Chicheston. He grinned as he spotted Connor walk into the common room.

"Connor! You'd be glad to hear there's no surprises - you're rooming with Kingsley in B corridor, just like the both of you picked," Dan quipped, double checking with his spreadsheet. Connor's shoulders drooped in relief. Most of the time he could stay out of trouble, but Connor was just a tad bit too flamboyant to be absolutely comfortable with anyone around him (usually it was the reverse - people get uncomfortable around Connor and it's a giant awkward mess). Kingsley was a nice boy and although they weren't close, Connor was glad that they agreed on the room ballot.

"By the way, I haven't seen you in ages. How's life? And also... what was that stunt you pulled in hustings," Dan narrowed his eyes at a sheepish Connor as his memory caught up with him. Right, he was supposed to be mad at Connor. Dan never really got over the uprising of everyone  _shipping_ him and Phil - it hit a bit too close to home and just made him panic about his totally not significant crush. Connor better have a good explanation.

"I uh... I'm not gonna lie, not doing great actually. Totally in denial about the fact that Tyler's gone forever," Connor pursed his lips to present an awkward smile, putting a false bravado (and evading Dan's second question). Dan's face fell at that - he hadn't thought of that, how completely in love with Tyler Connor was (or so he believed himself to be, anyway), and he must be missing Tyler a lot. Dan missed Tyler as well, obviously, but he definitely wasn't as attached as Connor: Dan wondered if Connor really ever had a life outside of obsessing over Tyler, how lost must he feel right now. Dan's head leaned sideways to give Connor a puppy look, trying to convey sympathy where words fail. Connor only shrugged.

"Well, it's not like it could ever happen. I always knew it was hopeless, and I'm not stupid, I know if Tyler did have someone, Troye was in the picture instead of me. But... it's just, now that he's not even around anymore, what better am I going to do with my life?  
You know what's the funniest thing? I doubt Tyler even ever knew... well he knew I was an annoying stalker. But he probably never knew how serious it was for me, hmm," Connor said emotionlessly, flopping down onto the sofa next to Dan. Dan reached up to gently pat Connor's mop of curls - he was surprised at the unexpected maturity coming from the younger Connor, who always seemed so immature from his perspective. Connor sounded genuinely upset - Dan had no idea how to comfort him except sit here awkwardly in silence.

"It's not that deep, I'll be fine hah," Connor chuckled a moment later, breaking the silence. "Anyway how are you and Mr Head Boy doing?" Connor wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, earning himself a slap on the shoulder. Dan was annoyed - it was clear that Connor had started this on purpose.

" _Great,_ no thanks to you! Everyone was tailing us everywhere and giving us looks, trying to bust us hooking up in the bike shed or something! For fuck's sake," Dan rolled his eyes, which only made Connor laugh harder. "It's not funny, Connor!"

"You gotta admit it's at least a bit funny," Connor choked out, laughing through tears. Dan scoffed. "It's all your fault."

"Hey! It wasn't just me. Phil was playing along with it, that's how you got yourself into this mess. And, between you and me, I honestly think I was doing you a favour. You think that it would've escalated if Phil wasn't into it as well? I'm not gonna lie, I have always thought Phil is feeling it too... and then I saw him in GSA. He's not straight either, right?" Connor explained conspicuously, gleeful in his deductions. Dan buried his face in his hands - he couldn't believe even one of the most loyal Stanley boys was plotting against him, the cheek of Connor. Obviously Connor was wrong - he was delusional and hungry for gossip like everyone else.

"But, even then, it's none of your business. You didn't have to stir shit up like that," Dan reprimanded, frowning at Connor.

"Uh yes, it  _is_ my business! I just want happiness for you, my dear friend, and you look like you really needed help. I'm just... nudging things along to make them go faster - knowing you, you're never going to make a move. You don't have a lot of time left... I'm just saving you some future regrets," Connor winked, before jumping up to escape the conversation as someone else approached Dan. Right, prefect duties. Dan distractedly returned to his admin work as he greeted the next enquiry with a fake smile, digesting Connor's words in the back of his mind. 

He was still holding a grudge against Connor, but Dan couldn't deny that Phil knowingly acting flirty with him (for the banter?! It frustrates Dan so much) had opened doors in his mind that he hadn't touched on before. What did this mean for his feelings for Phil that just wouldn't go away? Dan was happy to ignore them forever until it faded away, just like the initial starstruck feelings he used to get around his Youtube idol. But it seemed that something else was in store for Dan, in light of recent events. Dan simply couldn't ignore the glimmer of hope that was presented to him, despite all the recent struggle and confusion. There was something going on with Phil.

Prize giving was emotional in many ways. So there was seeing all the upper sixth boys off - not that Dan knew a lot of them anyway, save for Tyler who already bailed to be at London Pride right now. And there was also Dan, (and Phil and the rest of the prefects) standing on the stage in his special tie and badge for the first time, truly feeling like he was someone important and responsible now. Phil looked particularly dashing today: his quiff perfect, his suit fitting, and his new tie gleaming in the sunlight - blue with golden stripes to distinguish him from everyone else. Phil indeed was special. It wasn't like Phil didn't meet Dan's expectations before, but Dan couldn't help but think this was the particular AmazingPhil imagery of his dreams coming to life: Phil Lester, dapper and smiling, happy, confident, lovely, and loved by all in return. He deserved the world and Dan was so glad that they were sharing the stage together, right here, right now. There was no one more fitting to be Head Boy - they had an exciting year ahead of them.

West Wing 1 was absolutely stunning - Dan hadn't really seen it in the flesh until the moment they were handed the keys and started moving their biggest boxes in. Firstly, it was massive - there was the full on porch slash living room area that Dan opened the door to, the long stretch of the room's width exposing him to the beautiful view of the village beyond the windows. You could even almost see the sea glistening in the sun in the far distance. Then there was a small two-seater sofa, a coffee table, and a tall bookcase on the left of the door that cut off the rest of the room from view. You walk into the room to find two desks facing away from each other - they were old wooden desk sets, with rows of drawers and shelves - Dan's inner organiser freak was very happy. Through the arch was the two beds opposite the windows in an otherwise rather empty space, separated by wardrobes and bedside tables, and at the end of the room was their ensuite. Neither the beds or the ensuite were particularly luxurious, but the room was already much more than they could've asked for. The company of each other aside, being in WW1 was definitely much more worth it than each having a room of their own. It was beautiful - Dan couldn't wait to live here. 

They flopped onto the sofa once everything was moved from their old room into this one, Dan sighing happily as he watched the townscape out of the window. Many of their friends had left for home now, except for Duncan who was flying home in a few days - it would be weird but fun to really enjoy the holiday, whilst still at school, and with Phil only. Dan was already immediately in love with this room - back then, he never had a choice except to get plunged into a random room, which fatefully happened to be Phil Lester's so no complaints - but this one, it really felt like  _their_  room, instead of Dan rudely barging into Phil's life unannounced. It was a collective decision, Phil had wanted to stay close to him - this room was Dan's as much as it was Phil's, and they were already cheerfully discussing the prospects of decorations and houseplants and possibly a lava lamp and a carpet. 

For Dan, who never knew any permanent home where he belonged, it felt awfully like making a new home of his own with Phil, his best friend, the boy he was absolutely smitten with. Dan couldn't wait start this new chapter with Phil - another year ahead of them in Chicheston, as Head of House and Head Boy, Dan finally fitting in somewhere for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew we're officially half way through (timeline wise??) i can't believe i'm drawling this story out so long and still sticking with it wow  
> i felt bad stalling the romance even though Dan and Phil have been both out for some while but also,,, seems realistic in light of how them irl are, i would say, comfortably not straight, but it doesn't mean they're gonna outright jump us with the news that they been married or some shit ya know  
> also... knowing each other one year is a good amount of time for a build up?? speaking from experience (kinda)  
> 


	28. blue eyes to drown in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil make the most of their summer by going on beach dates.

"Can we please go somewhere that is beyond the town of Chicheston, for the love of Jesus," Dan whined in virtual pain, a week into the summer vacation. They had been enjoying the routine of doing nothing, and also being in charge: being the highest in command in the house with all the staff on leave, Dan (but mostly Phil) were free to roam and rule Stanley house. It was incredible to just exist without the purpose of being productive - they woke up midday, played video games all day, finished an anime, and even went furniture shopping for their newly inhabited room. Dan hadn't known such freedom ever since before moving to the UK, when he was just living with his incompetent dad - Phil let Dan keep the keys to the house to make him feel important, and they pretty much come and go as they please (except for when the campus security come to check that they are alive every other night). Dan felt like he was slowly rotting away if he kept at this routine and never leave the house.

"That'd be fun, actually," Phil quipped, trying to cheer a grumpy Dan up. "Have you ever been to Brighton? It's not that far, we can do like a day trip."

"Have I  _been to Brighton_? Phil, have I even been anywhere that's not here, my nan's, or yours?" Dan yelled exasperatedly to himself, eyes wide rather dramatically. "Do we go by train? Can we go now? Please?"

It seemed that a wild Daniel Howell was impossible to contain - and so they do set off to Brighton, early on the next Saturday morning, the soonest when cheap train tickets were on sale. Dan regretted the impromptu trip when he had to get out of bed before 9, but not for long - once they settled into the crammed train and they pulled out of the quaint little town of Chicheston, Dan was buzzing with excitement. Phil couldn't help but feel cheery too - he hadn't been to Brighton in ages and the happy Southern seaside atmosphere was one of Phil's favourite things.

It was actually hot and sunny for once - Dan was beaming in the sunshine once he stepped out of the terminal. He had been doubting his outfit choices - one of his hoe outfits that were not exactly British weather appropriate, Dan was wearing basically a romper today, a black short sleeved overall with really short shorts, that matched with his black converses (with black laces and black soles, Dan takes his sadboi aesthetic seriously). He was definitely overjoyed to know that he wasn't going to freeze in his outfit - Dan had dressed up for the occasion for the sole purpose of having a social media photoshoot. They were finally going outside partly because Dan needed to update his Instagram and prove that he was still alive. Dan even forced Phil to put an effort - in the rare case of them taking a selfie, Phil's outfit better match up to Dan's. Obviously, Phil didn't disappoint - he wore a light blue denim jacket with a striped T-shirt underneath, and shorts that were just above his knees. Dan noted that the jacket was new - it really matched with Phil's eyes and Phil's square shoulders fit snuggly into it. It was a vision - Dan had to immortalise it in several Instagram Story shots, at least.

Brighton was colourful and loud and full of people - basically a more overwhelming version of the seaside town that they were used to. As they strolled down the street towards the beach, passing brightly coloured houses one after another, Dan and Phil took turns getting distracted by something in a shop window and dragging the other to fawn over it. Phil wanted the knitted cactus plushie, and eventually gave in after Dan became devil's advocate and encouraged Phil to splurge on all the stupid things he liked collecting. 

They almost lost each other in a crowded alley where all the cool shops were - luckily Dan and Phil were inhumanely tall and easily spotted each other. Phil, walking ahead of Dan, reached back blindly to grab Dan's hand to pull him with Phil - Dan's fingers loosely clasped around Phil's as he got dragged through the crowd. Dan had missed this, the casual touch linking him and Phil together, after a period of time being on edge and paranoid of being too close (especially when there were eyes watching). Dan had been crushing on Phil for quite a while now, he'd be pathetic to still get worked up over simple and innocent physical contact (that used to happen when it was still the silly oblivious Phil calling the shots all the time), but it was just nice. A physical reassurance that Phil was here, his teeter to warmth, sunshine, safety, happiness; all things good that Dan associated with Phil.

They went into a vintage metal workshop that sold handmade brass and silver jewellery, the wind chimes on the doorframe jingling as they walked in. Phil had lead Dan in, partly to escape the crowd on the streets, but also he knew Dan would like it, although he'd be too scared to admit it. Dan always had this weird dynamic with traditional gender expression - Phil never had that problem, he was hardly as fashionable as Dan to be aware of pretty things and also look good in them. As Phil correctly predicted, Dan's eyes lit up at the little trinkets and accessories dotted around the displays - but they ain't cheap. Phil himself was rather interested in a set of quirky, hand sculpted cutlery - but the price tag kept his curious hands away quickly. Dan spent an awful amount of time in front of a pair of earrings - even Phil recognised them. It was a beautiful two piece: an intricate gold and silver pair of holding hands, linked by a chain to a cuff that had a line of silver stars. Phil wasn't one to notice the details, but he remembered Dan raving about it - it was part of the newest Doctor's (read: the first female lead in Doctor Who aka Dan's newest TV favourite) outfit. But also, Dan was a massive space nerd and would've liked the starry earring anyway.

Eventually Dan had to tear his eyes away from his beloved earrings - theoretically he could afford them but his overdraft hadn't rolled in yet and he really better not spend unnecessarily. Dan, distracted in his disappointment, quickly escaped the shop once he spotted the infamous chocolate shop across the road - Phil momentarily lost him before catching up. Just like most things Dan had the self control to not buy, the earrings were quickly forgotten as they marvelled over the massive chocolate fountain instead.

They managed to go through all of the shops mostly unscathed - Dan picked a Harry Potter themed floor mat for their room, and they both picked some candles each (although they definitely weren't allowed to light them at school - Phil argued that they could be decor anyway), and Phil got a whale plushie to add to his cactus. Dan took a photo of Phil next to a house painted with an Adventure Time theme. The beach was finally in view - Dan stopped them at the pavement above the beach, falling into a bench that overlooked onto the ocean after getting distracted by all the dogs that were out on a walk. Phil fell silent beside him, smiling and peacefully looking out to the ocean. The sea was extraordinarily blue today in the nice weather - aquamarine near the shore and fading into an intense sky blue that mirrored the horizon. Dan sneaked a glance at Phil next to him - the sea always reminded him of those eyes that he was first drawn into.

Phil caught him watching. He turned to stare back, making Dan flustered. The intense moment was over as soon as it started, although Dan's heart was left leaping in his chest afterwards. He belated realised that this outing was rather like a date. Dan looked away awkwardly, and turned back, looking for something to say to break the silence. Phil beat him to it, pulling something out from his bag behind him as he spoke.

"So... I thought you might like this," Phil laughed awkwardly at the understatement, as he dropped a little paper gift bag into Dan's palms. Confused, Dan opened it to find the earring he didn't get earlier sitting inside. Dan was lost for words - he just realised couldn't remember the last time he was given a present. It wasn't like his dad never spoiled him for birthdays - but being the busy man he was, he always just gave Dan financial autonomy to buy whatever he liked himself. Dan felt special, having someone pick something with him in mind, and a surprise as well - although it was obviously a split second spontaneous choice, coming from Phil. But still, the sentiment wasn't lost. Dan would well up, but he wasn't that pathetic, so he settled for a chuckle instead, delicately picking up the earring to smile at it idiotically. Phil watched his reaction nervously.

"Yeah, because I never got you anything for your birthday, we were both so busy with exams then... do you like it?"

"Thank you so much Phil! Yes of course," Dan huffed incredulously, still not taking his eyes off his new earring. It was so pretty. Phil smiled proudly to himself, before brewing up an idea, as he watched Dan fiddle with his gift.

"Do you want me to put it on for you now?" Phil cringed inwardly as soon as the weird offer left his lips. He was being weird, he shouldn't care this much about Dan being happy about his gift. Phil was probably being insecure - he had nothing to worry about what was Dan's opinion of him, Dan was his biggest Youtube fan. 

Dan was hardly fazed, nodding excitedly. He quickly took one of his usual black stud earrings off, turning his side to Phil and scooting closer. Phil, as careful as he could (which required a lot of effort, given how clumsy he was), slid closer on the bench and reached up to delicately clasp the new earring on. Phil didn't have any piercings, and earring backs were rather fiddly, but he managed to secure it, along with the ear cuff on the top of Dan's left ear. Dan, curious, kept glancing to the side as if he would sneak a peak at Phil's work. Phil only noticed Dan's freckles now, when he was in such proximity and had broken his attention.

Dan looked rather cute today: sunny and smiley with his curly hair and nice outfit. Giving into temptation, Phil tucked a stray curl behind Dan's ear when he was done, watching the tip of Dan's ear turn a satisfying pink before pulling his hand away. Dan blinked at him nervously, and Phil glowered in glee inside, despite the guilt that he hadn't deterred from messing around with Dan slowly creeping up on him. Phil just had to reassure himself. Dan was still his, even though he was now popular and on his own feet and most alarmingly, out in the dating pool with all the hot boys of Chicheston. Phil didn't want to imagine where would he stand in Dan's life, if Dan were to date someone in school, in their house, even. But for now, he had Dan all to himself, as selfish as Phil was acting right now.

Dan diverted the attention away from this tense moment by forcing Phil to stand in front of the sea so Dan could do a photoshoot of him matching with the ocean. As he stared at Phil, all sunshine and perfect through his phone screen, Dan pondered just exactly what the fuck happened a moment ago. Obviously, he wasn't complaining - Dan loved and missed the rare opportunities when Phil was being sweet and intimately soft with him - but after Dan's little outburst a while ago, there was no way Phil had done that by accident. But Dan had to be flattering himself to say that Phil had done it on purpose. Dan frowned at Phil's smoulder, moving his hands distractedly to get a better angle of Phil. Dan couldn't ever imagine Phil manipulating Dan for no particular reason, Phil wouldn't hurt a fly with his generous heart - Dan must be overthinking. Phil waved Dan over to get some selfies together, and Dan grinned to the camera, his worrying abandoned. He was definitely just overthinking. Phil was his amazing (ha!) best friend, and everything was perfect right now. Nothing to worry about.

They made a short trek on the pebble beach, just to get some ice cream - but Dan quickly abandoned the beach, ultimately disappointed. The water was cold, the pebbles were disgusting and could hardly match up to the sandy tropical beaches that Dan was used to, and sea gulls tried to steal his ice cream. So they soon took refuge in the pier - Dan started out with ordering Phil to take some aesthetic shots of him and his outfit on the boardwalk, but was quickly distracted by the massive arcade ahead of them. Phil first challenged Dan to a game of air hockey - which Dan lost spectacularly, and they lost way too much money trying on the claw machines in the blink of an eye. (So much for Dan trying to spend less money). Dan eventually won a pathetically tiny Winnie the Pooh plushie, which he oh so generously donated to Phil, just because Phil was so tragically terrible at claw machines. Phil didn't even particularly like Winnie the Pooh, but snatched it into his arms anyway, pouting and grinning like a child. At the end of their adventure through the arcade, Dan dragged Phil to the Dance Dance Revolution game, swearing vengeance for the air hockey game that he lost to Phil.

They were both surprisingly good at DDR - Dan was shockingly amazing at it, much to Phil's surprise, easily aceing all the most difficult songs without breaking a sweat, feet lightning fast as Phil tried to catch up. Phil did manage to catch up - his stamina had improved ever since he started going to the gym last term, but obviously he was no dancer and was no match for Dan. They hustled a lot of rounds out of one pound just because Dan kept getting through the songs that got more and more difficult - but eventually Phil failed one and the game came to an end. Dan had a go at Phil jokingly for failing. Phil was huffing in pain from all that vigorous exercise by now.

"Since when did you become this fit, Howell," Phil teased, once he was no longer out of breath. Dan smirked at him.

"Well, maybe someone has been going to the gym as well, every time when you were away in the art department..."

"I'm  _always_  in the art department!" Phil argued.

"Precisely," Dan grinned smugly at a pouty Phil. They left the arcade and continued to walk towards the end of the pier.

"But yeah, I live on this island on Singapore and the closest shopping centre on the main island, Suntec City, has this massive arcade. I used to go there every day after school to go on the DDR," Dan recalled fondly, chuckling to himself. Phil watched him curiously.

"Do you miss Singapore? I mean, you haven't been back for the entire year," Phil asked, genuinely interested. He couldn't imagine living independently and being so far away from his parents at all - sure, he didn't see them often either and he wasn't going home this summer, but at least Phil had the security blanket of knowing that if he ever needed his parents, home was just a train ride away. He wondered if Dan was ever homesick - Dan always seemed too busy to be, and he was so British and familiar anyway, so it hadn't crossed Phil's mind before. Dan just shrugged.

"Eh, not really. I kinda miss my dad sometimes, but other than that, Singapore isn't home. I don't have much to go back to anyway - I'm only really close to Louise and she doesn't live there anymore. So, Chicheston is home for now," Dan smiled sombrely at Phil, before dashing off to the cotton candy in the distance, although Phil couldn't help but feel a puncture in his heart as he chewed over Dan's words. Dan sounded so lonely before he came to Chicheston, with no real sense of home and belonging in a foreign country as well. Phil watched Dan laughing carelessly as he bought a massive cloud of pink cotton candy, waving it at Phil. Despite all, Dan kept smiling and bringing joy to so many people - Phil admired him for that. Maybe Phil would go visit Dan in Singapore one day, he mused.

At the end of the pier was nothing but the vast Atlantic Ocean before them, an endless stretch of blue. Dan stared in awe at the sparkling sea below them - it had been a perfect day and he was so glad that they came. More importantly, Dan really felt that he was reconnecting with Phil again, spending time alone together and doing fun and cute things. Getting so caught up in school drama, Dan had missed the Phil that he had known before: fun, happy and insightful at the same time. It didn't help Dan's case of unrequited crush, but at least he was enjoying himself along the way. In the end, Phil was Dan's best friend through thick and thin, and life was more fun with a partner in crime by your side. They went on one or two rides at the end of the pier, clutching each other's hands in horror as they reached the top of the smallest roller coaster known to man - not because it was particularly terrifying, but the roller coaster was made of timber and precariously perched on the edge of the dodgy boardwalk that was metres away from shore into the Atlantic Ocean. Dan was convinced they wouldn't make it out alive. Phil was also tempted by the bouncy castle, but Dan stopped him and dragged him away - the parents of little kids surely wouldn't appreciate two six foot tall stupid teenagers taking up space. By the time they were done with the pier, Dan and Phil's stomachs were rumbling.

They ended up in an Italian restaurant near the pavilion at 3pm, because they had a big vegan section in their menu and Dan was "trying to be vegan". Phil was sure that Dan wouldn't keep up for long, but tolerated him on most days anyway. The restaurant was mostly empty and opened up to the pedestrian road outside with adorable patio seatings on the street, but Phil was starting to look sunburnt (bless his Northern skin) so Dan spared him and chose a table in the shade instead, still in view of the lively street outside by just shy of the deadly sun rays. They soon realised the restaurant was ran by an Italian family with strong mafia vibes, but the food was cheap and looked promising so Dan and Phil happily overlooked it. It was a chill and quiet afternoon as they chatted about everything and nothing, sipping on their limoncello sodas. Dan hadn't been so simply content for years. Dan had a delicious vegan pasta and Phil joined him (he hated cheese anyway, so vegan wasn't much of a compromise), and they shared a dessert. Dan was the happiest boy on earth by the time their food was done - the cursed Zizzi's that Louise loved so much was obviously no match for real Italian food.

They spent the rest of their day lying in the patch of grass (in the shade) in front of the pavilion, idly chilling and in Phil's case, occasionally dozing off. Running out of things to say, Dan told childhood stories of his grandparents, and Phil in return exchanged some childhood anecdotes as well. They had a deep conversation about siblings, and family; and Dan admitted to Phil that if he and Adrian weren't brothers in such an awful circumstance, and his brother was brought up better than by his mum and whatever father his mum's new husband was like, maybe they could've gotten along. Phil made them take a break from the seriousness by pointing out clouds that looked like animals, and making Dan laugh. Phil glanced at the time on his phone (they should start heading to the station soon), before turning to Dan to break the comfortable silence.

"You know, I'm happy that you did leave Singapore and came to Chicheston. I'm so glad we're friends. I really value you as one of my best friends," Phil said sincerely, looking at Dan warmly with wide eyes and a soft smile. It was heart wrenching - Dan felt as if he couldn't breathe.

"Thanks, Phil. I'm glad to meet you too," Dan replied shakily, almost choking on emotions, not once breaking the intense eye contact. And yet, he felt weirdly choked up thinking about Phil addressing them as best friends. Dan had never dared to imagine him and his longtime idol as something more - and yet, he was growing increasingly disappointed whenever he was reminded this was all it would ever be. Dan should be grateful, and he knew that realistically a relationship with Phil was just an idealised concept in his head - anything that wasn't attainable always seemed perfect. This had been a flawless day - Dan shouldn't ruin it by being greedy.

Phil brushed the leaves off Dan's shoulder when they stood up to leave, and on the train ride home, they leaned on each other casually as they left the colourful town, just like they always did on long journeys. Everything was alright and back to how they used to be.

After a few days back in the house doing nothing much other than dramatically stare out of the window and contemplate, and maybe laundry, Dan had came to the conclusion that he would just stop overthinking about Phil and go with the flow. He might even let himself be reckless, since Phil was apparently being cheeky more often than not. Two can play at this game. It wasn't that deep, they were just two best friends who were both not straight and very comfortable with their deep emotional connection. There was absolutely no need for Dan to investigate into every single little instance with romantic connotations. If he was reading too much into it, he might as well just relish in it in his twisted fantasies of dating his idol, his best friend, his roommate. Dan was only human.

It was with this mindset that Dan agreed to go down to the beach with Phil when he suggested it, days after their Brighton outing. Phil promised Dan of a "real beach" after Dan's incessant whining at Brighton about pebble beaches never matching up to the Sentosa goodness that he used to live above (ironically, just about everything on that Singaporean tourist island was artificial) - and there was none better than their very own local Chicheston Bay. Funnily enough, Dan had never thought of taking a dip in the beach that he saw every day - it was always too cold for it to be beach weather, and when the temperature was finally acceptable, they hadn't had the time to leave campus even. Chicheston Bay was small and underwhelming like everything else in the village-town but at least, there was real sand. Dan was actually getting mildly excited at the thought.

It was a Wednesday early afternoon and yet, the beach wasn't as empty as they hoped. After all, it was the summer vacation - kids young and teenaged were out as well as the usual retirees. Phil packed them a picnic of Starbucks frappuccinos and panini that they picked up along the way - and then they were awkwardly stripping in public down to their swimming trunks that were underneath.

"Since when did you get so fit," Phil teased, eyes dramatically scanning up and down Dan's torso, which Dan was subtly covering up with an awkward arm draped across his middle. Phil was being a little shit, he had known since the start about Dan's crippling insecurities. Dan stared at him, ready to retaliate - but he got distracted by Phil's abs instead. Phil had fucking abs - since when, Dan cursed to himself. Dan suddenly felt hot all over, forcing himself to tear his ogling eyes away.

"You can talk, Mr. Washboard Abs," Dan grumbled dramatically, before flicking sand at a yelping Phil. It wasn't fair. As he watched Phil rub sunscreen on himself (what a weak Northern pale boy, Dan mused), Dan hated himself for hyperventilating over the sight of Phil's lanky fingers running over his jutting shoulders and collarbones. Maybe Dan should offer to help Phil, that would teach him a lesson. But alas, even Dan wasn't  _that_  gay - so he would spare the eyes of their 80+ audience for now.

The water  _was_ cold - Dan squealed and flinched as soon as his toes touched the water. Phil only laughed, jumping into it till waist high right away. Dan was still treading away from the shore slowly, but the feeling of the fine sand between his toes was nice and familiar: Dan used to go Palawan beach alone to gather his thoughts in the calm ocean, and although teenage solitude was rather depressing in hindsight, it had always been a bittersweet romantic memory for him. Now Phil was beside him, giggling and splashing.

After a few minutes of shoving each other and absentmindedly wading further into the sea whilst in a game of chase, Dan and Phil found themselves relatively away from the crowd, the water reaching up to Phil's shoulders (they were taller than most people, that why no one else had ventured that far). Phil's fringe was wet and sticking onto his forehead messily - it was endearing, but also very funny. Dan's curls were completely soaked too - they just couldn't stop giggling at each other.

And then somehow they started underwater wrestling, Phil grabbing onto Dan's shoulders and half heartedly attempting to trip him over with a feet hooked around Dan's ankle in the sea. Dan, squeezing his eyes shut at the splashes, blindly tried to retaliate by gripping onto Phil and pull him down into the water with him too. Somehow Dan's hands ended up on either side of Phil's waist, firmly holding Phil in place (and away from being a threat). When the play fighting was finally over, Dan belatedly realised that his palms were still resting on top of Phil's waistband: Phil's giggling died down as Dan absentmindedly drew circles on his skin with his thumb. Phil was skinnier (and slightly more athletic) than Dan, his hipbone and subtle abs prominent under the pale and freckly skin. Dan couldn't breathe - immediately pulling away once he came to his senses. Dan spotted a dog waddling in a distance, and immediately paddled over in faux interest, escaping the situation. The moment was over as soon as it registered how inappropriate that was.

Dan's heart was still leaping as he stroked the swimming dog and Phil joined him eventually, normal as if nothing had happened. Dan couldn't recover for quite a while - he was even cringing at himself too hard to check if he did actually get a hard on low key stroking Phil's abs. That was too real. Dan had always had a cutesy romantic crush on Phil, but now the hormones finally kicked in and this was getting way more difficult than what Dan thought he was dealing with. Phil  _was_  hot, goddamn it. Dan, dumbfounded, realised that they were  _roommates_  - he wasn't going to survive this summer after all.

Dan hated Phil for being such a heartthrob and unfortunately the first boy he had feelings for as well. He was going to hell for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 20BIteen! brighton depiction is 98% accurate except i don't remember are there claw machines
> 
> look forward to chapter 30 for a biG pivotaL cLimaX ;D


	29. stay close to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil somehow found an excuse to share a bed, and Phil finally lets himself have what he wants for once.

Dan would never have imagined a mere twenty one degrees to be classified a heatwave, but here he was, sweating his arse off in their room at 2 in the afternoon with all the curtains drawn, all the windows open, and him in a vest and booty shorts. This would've been a winter back in Singapore - maybe Dan was truly turning into a real Brit now. But to be fair, heavy masonry Victorian houses and carpeted floors were always a bad match on the rare day that the UK was actually warm and not gloomy and freezing: Dan so bitterly missed air conditioning. It was so hot that he couldn't do much except for stay in the shower or lie in his bed (on top of the covers), inanimate and moaning about the heat. It was actually cooler outside in the breeze - but Dan, like the vampire hermit he was, obviously wanted to make the most of his summer playing on the Xbox (that Martyn had so generously donated via mail because he ran out of space to store it) on their newly acquired second hand 30" screen that sat on their coffee table now, second to road trips that drained his account dry. (Dan's overdraft still hadn't came in yet, goddamn it what was his banker dad doing - and Dan had spent the last of his pennies on a vintage DDR mat to plug into their Xbox, which he couldn't even bother to play with right now because it was too hot for fuck's sake). Phil would've been happy to spend most of the day outside where it wasn't a steaming sauna, but his skin needed saving from all the sunburns and it was impossible to look at a screen in daylight anyway. Phil was trying to be productive with the last real break before important university preparations started, making videos to be scheduled all the way till next year. This was mostly done with him sprawled out on the carpet (cold air sinks, apparently), shirtless, and intensely frowning at his laptop with glasses on for the entire day. Dan couldn't help but sneak glances every now and then - he took his frustration out on all the terrible Call of Duty games he had been keeping a streak of. This heat was unbearable.

Dan didn't want to feel incompetent as Head of House during the holidays, but here he was, watching Phil smugly drag the one and only fan in the house (that Dan hadn't know had existed) into their room. He couldn't deny the genuine relief he felt when they plugged it in and it whirled to life, after some concerning wheezing noises. It was heaven - even tho the fan was kind of broken and could only stay in one direction - Dan and Phil just had to strategically align themselves in the room during their daytime activities in order to both benefit from the breeze. It was hard, but not impossible. Dan swore to himself that once he had money again he was going to look into the possibility of some miraculous portable air conditioning machine.

Sleeping was slightly harder (read: near impossible). Everything was too stuffy and warm and sweat inducing - the sun being down made no difference. And yet Dan would rather boil to death under his blankets than get his exposed feet snatched by ghosts, not to say the rest of his body. Phil was used to wearing pyjamas, but the T-shirts had slowly turned into sleeveless tanks as they tossed and turned into poor sleeping patterns. Dan used to sleep in nothing but his boxers back at home when he had a room all to himself, and made the jump to being fully dressed at all times to protect his crippling self esteem, but he had to make way for the aircon less hot nights - a long (womenswear) T-shirt over his boxers was what Dan had reduced to for now, but he couldn't eliminate the possibility of stripping naked if he could, in this sweltering heat.

When the fan came into their lives, it was supposed to revolutionise their sleep - but there was a problem. Dan's and Phil's beds were rather far from each other, kept apart by their two bedside tables, and there was no way the mono directional fan could reach the scope of both. It was a painful dilemma. Dan and Phil had tried everything - a compromise of the wind going diagonal across two beds that really benefitted nobody, being polite and taking turns but being kept up (in the cool) by the other fidgeting noisily anyway, and even aggressively fighting over it when all else failed. They just wanted to get some good night's sleep in peace.

One day, after Dan's second cold shower of the day (there was also him running his hair under the tap in between those, but that didn't count), he left the bathroom to find Phil clumsily moving furniture around (and exerting energy and heat?!) in their bedroom. Dan wasn't just confused, he thought Phil was out of his bloody mind.

"Uh, what are you doing? Some cheeky workout over redecorating? In this weather?" Dan deadpanned skeptically, immediately finding his spot directly in front of the fan's stream of air, despite being more refreshed than ever from his shower. Phil didn't stop in his tracks, pulling both of their bedside tables out of their rightful places.

"I'm pushing the beds together; so the fan wind could go in the bang middle and we can finally both sleep," Phil explained his grand plan enthusiastically, clearly convinced that it will work.

"Okay whatever, I'm going to the kitchen for more ice cream. Vanilla for you?" Dan dismissed Phil's slightly weird scheme quickly, a more important mission on his mind. (They really should get a mini freezer in their room to add to their mini fridge - sounds incredibly extra but Dan could really use some accessible ice cream right now). Dan frankly thought that moving their beds were a bit farfetched from staying cool, but whatever Phil thought would work - it was definitely worth a try. Dan was constantly sleepy from the sleep deprivation and always too uncomfortable to properly doze off and it was getting really, really annoying.

To Dan's astonishment it actually worked - the breeze running under his empty duvet cover (a compromise of a blanket) giving him a chill from toe to head. It was so relaxing that Dan would have fallen asleep right away like a baby. But there was an issue - the saviour breeze was only available in the narrow space overlapping the left edge of Dan's bed and the start of the right edge of Phil's. Dan subconsciously shifted closer and closer to the edge in order to catch the breeze, careful not to fall into the uncomfortable dip in the ridge where the two beds touched, or accidentally breaching Phil's space. It seemed that Phil was doing the same, edging closer to the right side of his bed towards the cool stream.

Once Dan found his spot in the delicious cold air to stay in, he shifted around to get comfortable, left arm lightly smacking the side of Phil's in the process. Only then Dan belatedly registered that him and Phil were basically  _in the same bed_  - Dan's almost asleep body tensed up immediately at the revelation, Dan avoiding Phil's line of vision as he blinked at the ceiling. Phil didn't seem to be bothered or have noticed at all, happily snuggling into his pillow once he found the perfect angle where his hair was flopping lightly in the wind. Dan however was the furthest away from being comfortable ever since he became hyperaware of the distance (or lack thereof) between him and Phil: lying horizontal, next to each other, at night - all the alarming tick boxes checked. The faint body heat radiating next to him was yelling at Dan to overreact according to these cues, start hyperventilating and expect another night with poor sleep, maybe even get slightly turned on by the implications (please don't, Dan pleaded with his stupid body, it would be mortifying).

Dan would have rolled back to the safety of the centre of  _his own_  bed, a security arm's distance away from Phil, but even despite the phantom warmth from the body close by, the breeze was too inviting to ignore. In the end Dan compromised and rigidly laid flat on where he remained, right on the edge of his own bed and an inch away from Phil, trying to stay still as he willed himself to sleep. Luckily it wasn't as difficult as Dan thought: in the escape from the heat that he longed for, and his current state of sleep deprivation, Dan was out and dead to the world in minutes.

 _Sharing a bed_ (obviously an exaggerated term) with Phil was actually... manageable, Dan reasoned with himself the next morning (late afternoon really when he finally woke up, well rested and his entire body soft and relaxed). Phil was still snoring lightly beside him, in the same position as he was last night with an elbow wedged under his pillow, dutifully on his own bed, despite having shifted a milli inch in his sleep to have a significant portion of his torso (note: fully clothed and not at all inappropriately erotic) borderline touching Dan. Dan couldn't even feel the fabric of Phil's pyjama bottoms on his bare knee, if he didn't focus too much on the hairs sticking up from the static electricity, an actual manifestation of the tension in this carefully crafted distance between the two bodies. Dan would get over it - he couldn't deny that the cooled air was soothing and put him to sleep quickly for the first time in ages. He was being dramatic and romanticising the entire scenario - must be the stupid animes he watched. Dan glanced at Phil one last time, rarely this close and off guard with his floppy hair and nose scrunches, and made himself get up and out of bed.

The second night was easier, Dan and Phil getting into bed and comfortably settling into their mattress dips a thumb's width apart, snoring in the light breeze. After having accomplished once, Dan didn't think much about it anymore, even deciding to stay in nothing but boxers and his T-shirt as per usual after a slight dilemma. Nothing was going to happen, now that he had survived lying hyperaware of Phil almost hip to hip with him, Dan could literally sleep in peace. He sure loved this bloody fan so much - as Head of House he was so going to waste petty cash on investing in more fans to prepare for the next heatwave.

On the third day, Dan woken up nose to nose with Phil - which gave him a fright (more like a mild heart attack), but it had been his fault anyway. Phil, heavy sleeper who slept like a koala, had obediently stayed in the position that Dan had last seen him in before he drifted into unconsciousness. Elbow under his pillow, his face turned towards Dan, legs tangled with his right calf exposed from his PJ bottoms riding up. Dan was the one who ended up drifting closer to Phil - he had no one but himself to blame. It wasn't that bad anyway - Phil was still in dreamland and Dan didn't humiliate himself too much. If he brushed it off as insignificant (which it totally was) Dan wouldn't have to worry at all. So he did. And on the third night, they crawl into bed and happily fitted themselves into the stream of cold air again, safely apart from each other like always.

They woke up with calfs tangled, each other's knees locking onto each other in a knot. Phil's right trouser leg had ridden up, leaving his bare skin brushing at Dan's, and one feet lightly stepping on Dan's shin. Dan weirdly liked the cold feet resting on his shin, as he blinked to consciousness, before freaking out when he fully registered the physical contact and proceeded to overreact. Phil as always slept on his side, his elbow jutting out supposedly effective in keeping that precarious distance between Dan and him. Dan somehow had mirrored Phil in his sleep, curling up into fetal position facing Phil and very unfortunately woken up to stare at blue eyes that were blinking blearily back him. Fortunately (or not) this time round Phil woke up at the same instant as him and seemed as horrified as Dan was at this breach of personal space, immediately lifting his legs up and away as he muttered a sheepish "sorry" in his wake. Phil rolled away with his back to Dan, and seemed to have fallen back asleep.

Dan was screaming inside. He was never really used to physical affection - obviously it was hella weird if him and his dad even hug or do anything affectionate of the sort, and Dan never really had close enough friends to be comfortable on a level to share a lot of physical touches. Him and Louise hug, but that was about it. They had a perfectly simple and platonic dynamic and so would never dare to cuddle or even hold hands. Obviously Dan had never  _cuddled_  with anyone - not that him and Phil's legs touching counted - so given the context, Dan was allowed to freak out. Dan had next to no clue about casual intimacy - needless to say with boys. He had grown up in toxic masculinity his whole life - Chicheston had been a culture shock in more ways than one, and Phil Lester even more so, once he warmed up to Dan. Dan used to think it was a refreshing change, that boys here were confident enough in their masculinity to be soft and touchy with each other. But after his sexuality revelation, every interaction with boys henceforth was just infuriating, especially with his tragic crush Phil - Dan never knew what was normal platonic behaviour anymore.

But Dan supposed at least Phil had a grip on what's okay and what's not - after all Phil had more experience than him. Phil kinda had a boyfriend, and still managed to have close friendships with other boys, he probably had a way better platonic/romantic meter than Dan. Phil always seemed like his feelings were in check and not one big muddled soup like Dan's. If they were two girls, even if they  _were_  cuddling it wouldn't be a big deal, Dan reasoned with himself. He probably had societal gender roles to blame, it wasn't that deep. Besides, all that happened was his legs got a bit tangled with Phil's. It wasn't the end of the world.

One week into the heatwave that never ended, Dan woke up with Phil's left arm lightly draping across his waist, reaching over from where he bellyflopped into the right edge of his bed, face smushed into the pillow and drooling slightly. Phil didn't look attractive at all, but somehow Dan's heart was steadily speeding up in his chest, almost physically in pain at the dilemma of whether did he want Phil closer or not touching him at all. The lanky arm on his waist (one of Dan's most insecure body parts, he flinched at the hyperawareness) was a solid dead weight - Dan wondered if he could squirm and get comfortable under Phil's hold, or subtly lift Phil's arm and escape without waking Phil up. Phil rolled around slightly, but his arm didn't budge, not retracting nor moving to grip onto Dan either. It was infuriating. Dan was getting low key tempted at the idea of cosying up to Phil, although he also was painfully aware what a colossally bad idea it was. He'd just play it off like it was friendly affectionate shenanigans, which it was in the first place anyway.

Phil finally realised what he was subconsciously doing, when he jolted himself awake one early morning to find the back of his curled hand hitting Dan's back on the journey of drifting into Dan's space, the fabric of the worn T-shirt coarse and scratchy. Dan, curling away from Phil this time, was still sound asleep with his shoulders rising and falling rhythmically in the soft stream of sunlight. Scandalised at himself, Phil drew his hand back into his own chest, staring at Dan's mop of curls swaying in the fan wind and frowning. He knew that he was a touchy person, sometimes too much to be socially acceptable, but being impulsively cuddly was an issue Phil didn't prepare himself for. Before this, he had only shared a bed with Charlie before - squishing into one tiny single bed and obviously doing more than just innocently sleeping side by side. Come to think of it, Phil didn't remember a time when Charlie crawled under his duvet without an ulterior motive (and it never was the other way round, Phil was never calling the shots or ever had the upper-hand) - if they weren't going to heavily make out (or in one regrettable occurrence, give each other messy handjobs), they always slept in their own beds, a good metre away from each other. Phil found it difficult to dissociate the warmth next to him with anticipation for intense physical contact of affection (and lust let's be real), despite his usual casual attitude to touching other people. And Phil missed it, being close with another person - his fingers through their hair, stroking the soft skin that was just above waistband, the palpable tension in the air when noses touched but not lips just yet, even the simple feeling of enveloping someone else's body heat in his arms. Before Dan, Phil had been closed off from the world and craving the deep emotional connection that he didn't know he missed, and Dan had delivered and satisfied with his big and generous heart - but Phil was now wanting more. His heart was telling him whatever Dan offered him was already enough but his body was greedier than ever. Phil was in immense guilt.

With Dan, Phil had to be gentle and tread lightly, unlike his relationship with his last roommate Charlie, where it was all fire and passion and hormones but also constantly trying to one-up each other in a power dynamic that was unhealthy in retrospect. Dan was sensitive (not in a bad way) and innocent; Phil was terrified of getting him hurt, even unintentionally. He wouldn't dare to just keep mercilessly taking and taking from Dan: Phil had learnt so much about himself and thinking about his actions beforehand in the process of trying to be as good a friend as Dan was to him. Dan deserved the utmost care, after all he's done, especially in teaching Phil to be less selfish in this aspect. That's why Phil had to be careful in respecting Dan's boundaries and playing by the rules - he didn't want Dan to be a rebound, until he was sure that he was done healing from a disaster year with Charlie. Because Dan was so much more than that - he was Phil's best friend who made him a better person and inspired him to do better, and soft and kind and beautiful. Phil wouldn't walk in a field of delicate flowers in fear of damaging them, and with Dan it was the same.

But the heart wants what it wants. Phil wanted and wanted so much that he just couldn't deny it - Dan was just right there for him to reach out and touch. It was innocent enough, right? Dan wasn't a rebound, Phil reminded himself and chanted like a mantra in his head - he was just showing the love and affection he had for his wonderful friend whom he really really appreciated in his life. Dan was soft and lovely and so Phil was totally justified in treating him like that. So Phil finally gave in to the inviting warmth of Dan's chest and slowly scooted closer, until his elbows were snuggly fitted into the void between their torsos and his nose was almost hitting Dan's collarbone. They fit like puzzle pieces, and Phil's twisted insides from the tension of the gap between them slowly unknot. The breeze was stronger in the middle of where the two beds meet, and Dan's T-shirt smelled of the warmth and home, the familiar bio-detergent that Dan swore by. Phil snuggled a bit closer.

Dan was startled awake in his fleeting consciousness from all the movement in the middle of the night. The elbow under his head had been ingeniously wedged into the gap between the two beds, but his other arm, which had been stretch out ahead of him in an awkward angle, moved to immediate hit the top of Phil's head by his elbow. Dan peered down onto his chest to find Phil Lester himself snuggled into the concave spot his body had created in the mattress. Dan bit his lip, unsure of how to proceed. This had been progressing for a while now, it would be a shame to disturb Phil when he looked so cozy. He could just blatantly ignore how questionable it was like they always did and not address it when they woke up. But also, Phil's closeness was getting harder and harder to excuse as an accident and not deliberate. Dan was confused, although mostly tempted to let it be.

Phil felt Dan elbowing his head by accident and squirming around. He held his breath and stayed unmoved for a second, but decided to tip his head up to meet Dan's fleeting eyes anyway. Time to stop playing dumb for once and confront, Phil squared his jaw. No more taking advantage in the dark and pretending nothing was happening.

"Hey, is this okay?" Phil whispered in the dark to Dan, his expression basically unreadable due to Phil's poor eyesight and the darkness. He waited with baited breath, stroking the front of Dan's loose T-shirt distractedly and putting on a brave front. He could take rejection, it won't be that bad. Phil reminded himself that the last time he invaded Dan's privacy without asking, it didn't end well.

Dan, in all his sleepiness and just the perfect temperature to fall asleep, couldn't find in himself to deny himself of this. He wasn't the one being clingy, it was Phil who started this. Phil just looked so soft and inviting - how could Dan refuse. It wasn't like he was imposing his selfish wants at all.

"Yeah yeah," Dan muttered, looking away and beyond Phil's face, embarrassed. Phil smiled, all soft and genuine unlike his AmazingPhil stage smile that was a bit too bright, before bowing his head back to happily snuggle into his previous position. Dan, unsure what to do with his free arm now that Phil was in the way, awkwardly wedged it into the narrow space between them as well, rather like a crooked mantis arm. As Dan finally got over himself and drifted to sleep, he felt Phil's fingers gently linking with his, in between their chests.

They woke up slightly untangled and more socially excusable than the consensual cuddling the night before. At some point during the night Dan had pulled both of his arms free, so they were lightly caging Phil's shoulders still, but Phil had rolled over to turn his back to Dan, so now they were spooning (not really, with an arm's distance between them). Dan woke up first, pulled away to lie on his back in the comfort of his own bed and scrolled on his phone for hours until Phil awoke. They acted normally and didn't speak a word of it, although Phil was secretly smirking to himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. Dan didn't reject him.

The next night, Phil was more brazen, literally pulling Dan into his arms not even five minutes after the light was turned off. There was no pretence for it, Phil just simply wanted to cuddle. They were closer than ever - all limbs tangled, Phil's elbow cushioning Dan's head and Dan's arm being mercilessly dragged to rest on Phil's ribcage after some slight hovering. Phil let out a satisfied sigh when he was finally comfortable, almost going out instantly. Dan wished he could be so nonchalant about this, although he definitely wasn't complaining - his cheek was cozily resting on Phil's chest and Dan wouldn't want to be anywhere else really. Dan could hear Phil's heart thumping steadily through his skin lulling him to sleep, and was so glad that it was his turn to snuggle into Phil this time. If it had been the other way round, Dan would so get busted by his traitorous heartbeat that literally had no chill - thank god last night they weren't as close together. Dan wondered how long would the cuddling last - would Phil get tired of it, would they run out of an excuse to when the heatwave was over, would they suddenly snap out of this bubble that they were so happy in right now - he wasn't sure did he want it to end soon or not. 

But for now, Dan would just live in the moment, because he did enjoy this moment: having Phil's underrated and unexpectedly fit torso to hold in his palms, Phil's soothing fingers distractedly playing with his hair (which was so sweet that it's unconscious), the two of them fitting together like two halves of a Claire's friendship necklace pendants. Dan could pretend Phil was his, for a bit longer.

The heatwave finally ended (thank god?) as they went well into August and back to more normal British weather. The fan was eventually packed away, but Phil made no move to separate their beds since, and Dan had been too scared to voice his confusion - he didn't want to burst whatever fever dream was happening right now, as well as the hope that his feelings might just be reciprocated. So the two beds in the room remained merged as one, and Dan and Phil continued to sleep side by side every night, sometimes in tangles, but more often than not just comfortably close enough to each other, but never quite touching. Rather than intense and obsessive, Phil's adoration was soft but steady, like a trickling mini waterfall. Sometimes he wanted Dan in his arms, but he finally was somewhat convinced that he wasn't undeserving, and Dan wasn't going to slip through his fingers if Phil stopped holding on for dear life. Phil wake up, and Dan would still be there next to him, smiling with an elbow propping himself up on the good days, and groaning with bed hair on the not as good days. Phil knew he was playing with fire, with the boy who was his best friend and also his roommate, but Phil would rather ignore it for now. Just for a while longer - until he finally got enough of Dan.

This entire summer was just like a dream to Dan - and he never wanted to wake up. Just like every morning, basking in the simple warm bliss before having to break away from Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shameless gay ass cliche i'm not even sorry  
> BIG THINGS PLANNED NEXT CHAPTER!! this slowburn will finally be worth it  
> much love xxx please give me motivation i'm so shook that i wrote 100k in 2018,,, here's to the first completed fic in my life in 2019 (hopefully)


	30. take my breath away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In between glitter, Beyonce tunes and shots at Brighton Pride, Phil kisses Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realised this fic probably warrants an alcohol warning tag oops  
> sorry pals ya girl is a 20 year old socially anxious gay brit being alcoholic is kinda my personality

Dan was lying on his bed at 2 in the afternoon, idly going on his phone (as he had been for the past hour ever since waking up), when he came up with the idea. He was stalking Tyler Oakley on Instagram (as one did, Dan was slowly getting Tyler withdrawals when it sank in that he was no longer coming back to school), looking at pictures of Tyler being deservingly happy at London Pride almost a month ago, with all these strangers who were too cool for Dan to know. Then Dan fell into a Google spiral, curious about the other pride parades that might still be happening, to find out that Brighton Pride was less than a week away.

"Hey, have you ever been to pride before?" Dan stroke up a conversation, turning his head to Phil next to him, who was wrapped up in his duvet and editing in concentration. Dan realised after a moment that Phil was plugged in and didn't hear him, so he cheekily kicked Phil's shin (it was a stretch) to get his attention before repeating his question.

"Nah, I never have anyone to go to and also, I wasn't out at all," Phil mused casually, not registering that Dan was cooking up another plan, returning to clicking at his laptop. Dan slowly crawled out of bed to sit properly against the headboard.

"I think we should go to Brighton Pride. Maybe make it into a little GSA outing? I don't know how many people are still around or live near, but we can check," Dan proposed tentatively, which was replied with a noncommittal hum from Phil.

"Yeah I guess. It could be fun. When is it?" Phil stopped editing now, vaguely interested in the conversation. He figured that this was yet another farfetched plan for the not so foreseeable future. Dan bit his lip.

"Uh coming Sunday." Phil jumped at that.

"You really miss Brighton huh," Phil chuckled in shock, trying to come to terms with the rushed impromptu plan. "My parents are coming on Monday to pick me up, but I guess we could go... aren't we cutting a bit too close, you think? Maybe it'll just be the two of us, ha!" (That sounded exactly like what couples do, Phil didn't say.)

"Well, I'll try and make it happen. If it flops, it flops," Dan announced happily, jumping out of bed when he finally found a new purpose in life after days of zero productivity. (Dan wondered how did he ever survive summer holidays in his life - they were so empty and endlessly boring, or maybe it was just because he was no longer in metropolitan cities where there were loads to do). 

Dan made it official after lunch, even taking out his laptop, a rare occasion that required real urgencies usually, so he could make a Facebook event. The GSA had their own secret page on Facebook soon after it started, so everyone who went was in on the loop and updated on meetings and stuff, but most of the time it was just solidarity meme sharing or venting about casual homophobia in school. Dan made a quick post asking whether people would be interested, before deciding to make the event semi-public by invitation. Dan hoped that if anyone were to come, they would bring their straight friends too, so it'd be one big party.

Pride parades always looked like so much fun - it had always been a far away concept ever since Dan was aware of them, but even when he came to terms with his bisexuality, he had never imagined himself participating in one. It always looked so extravagant and exclusive of people who were beautiful and proud and brave - Dan imagined the people who went to pride parades were married gay couples with children and drag queens and pole dancers who were much more confident in their own skin and were an actual known member of the local LGBT community. Not to mention, they would be obviously out of the closet - Dan hardly belonged in such a space when he was even too paranoid and cowardly to let his parents know. It would feel ironic to participate in pride celebrations, which was all about being proud and true to yourself. Dan just didn't see himself deserving to be in one, despite how much he adored the colourful and cheerful atmosphere that radiated out of the photographs. But then Tyler went to London Pride, and then the whole concept seemed more friendly than it used to be to Dan. He   
was allowed to go like everyone else who did; he  _was_  a part of the LGBTQ community. Also, it seemed exactly like the kind of thing he should do as Gay Straight Alliance president - even though he was a mess and this was all very last minute.

The response... could be better, with Chris and PJ both bailing because they couldn't be bothered to travel down, and most of Dan's friends overseas back home. But some of the younger boys who stayed in school in the other houses were excited to go, which should be a nice opportunity to get together and know them better. What really surprised Dan was Eugene Lee Yang clicking going on his event too - he wondered who from GSA Eugene might be friends with. Eugene had never came to their events before, so surely he couldn't be... right? Dan tried to get Phil's opinion on it, but Phil simply smacked Dan on the head and told him it wasn't nice to speculate, so Dan was left to pout to himself. He was slightly hurt when Eugene texted Phil (and not him!) to ask about travel details on Sunday - but it was probably Dan's fault for being too intimidated to be sociable. Phil was definitely better at connecting with people - and to be fair Phil was actually their superior, so obviously Eugene would go to him for directions.

By Friday Dan was obsessing over outfits - his bane of existence - before settling on a baby pink T-shirt (about the only colourful item of clothing he owned) and pale denim dungaree shorts that were Phil's, to adhere to the bisexual colour themes. Dan really needed to branch out from black in his wardrobe and maybe return to his teenage pastel roots, now that he was more comfortable in his own skin. Phil proclaimed that he had "nothing gay" to wear - which Dan argued reverently, proving him wrong by pulling every single item of glittery clothing out of Phil's wardrobe.

"Face it, Phil, you're at least as gay as I am," Dan deadpanned victoriously with a raised eyebrow.  _The fact that you have to spoon me to sleep also suggests otherwise_ , Dan didn't say. He wasn't going to go there today, although teasing Phil was fun. They didn't speak of what happens when they go to bed.

They went to the local party shop for supplies (for everyone) - gathering an extensive collection of face paints and glitters - surprisingly they had tiny paper rainbow flags. Dan grabbed some, but was ultimately disappointed that they didn't have the bisexual flag, or any other pride flags for that matter. It was understanding, but Dan was still a bit begrudged that he had to be branded gay by society just because he was embracing this side of himself. Phil comforted him that they could probably get a bisexual flag for Dan when they get to Brighton. Honestly, the thought of flaunting his not-straightness for the first time unnerved Phil a little, but he was putting on a brave front to be encouraging to Dan, their ring leader. Phil knew how much this meant to Dan and never lost sight of how much Dan had achieved on this self acceptance and confidence journey - Dan definitely didn't need one more person to doubt him. Phil would just have to suck his own insecurities up and be a good supporter by Dan's side.

They decided on getting the morning train to Brighton on Sunday, and agreed with the entire group to meet and leave school together since most people would be travelling from Chicheston. The people travelling with them were now pretty much set in stone now, a new group chat created and buzzing with energy as Dan hyped everyone up with a photo to show off their colourful array of supplies. The younger boys were nervous, but mostly excited - they were really lucky that they had people like Dan and Phil to stick with to go to these things. Most thirteen year old gay boys just spend all of their time crying in the closet. The more Dan thought about it, the more glad he was for going through with his plan. Everyone deserved to be loved and celebrated - it would be a great little bonding session. It really seemed like he was doing some good here.

When Sunday morning came, Phil jolted awake at the crack of dawn unusually, gently shaking Dan next to him awake too. Dan only groaned and rolled back into the warmth of Phil's chest, burying his head in Phil's shirt. Phil rolled his eyes in fond exasperation. He usually slept more, but this morning he was too nervous to stay asleep, having fidgeted restlessly the entire night. They were going to a pride parade - well, not exactly, they were just going to cruise around all the things happening in town and watch the parade on the sidelines. Nonetheless it was outlandish behaviour that Phil would never expected himself to do. He had always labelled himself as "unlabelled" - in a way, maybe he had always been too scared to adhere himself to the LGBTQ community. Maybe this would change today. Plus, it was a promising day of fun, so he had loads to look forward to.

Dan eventually appreciated Phil waking him up early, when he had to get all fussy about dressing up and making up. Obviously, he was never going to recreate his iconic makeup look from prom, nor did Dan really want to prance around in public looking  _that_ feminine - but nonetheless he thought looking a bit girly could be fun, now that he had a rare excuse to do so. He started painting his nails with a clear glitter polish last minute (bad decision, Phil predicted correctly), after carelessly slapping on same subtle pale pink lipstick. As his nails dried, Dan instructed Phil to put pink and silver chunky glitter on his cheeks - their carpet suffered instantly. Phil pulled on a buttoned up with a sequinned dinosaur on it and jean shorts, and soon enough they were dashing through the door of Stanley. The group had agreed to meet before they leave, so everyone could glitter up and paint rainbows on each other - Eugene had generously offered to let everyone into the Turing common room since it was the nearest house to the main gate.

Some people had already arrived Turing when Eugene lead Dan and Phil into the nice and new common room, which always send a pang of jealousy through Dan every time he was here. Eugene looked gorgeous today, in a lacy black crop top and skinny black jeans that continued to a pair of laced up high heeled boots, crimson red lipstick and what looked like a black velvet cape draping from the shoulders of his top. In awe, and determined to strike up a conversation, Dan didn't hesitate to voice his praise out loud. Eugene laughed a little, thanking Dan with a flourished twirl which made his cape thing fly behind him.

"Aww, thank you Dan. Low key inspired by your prom queen look, not gonna lie," Eugene answered with a wink, before dashing off to let more people into the house. Eugene didn't even stumble on those six inch heels. Dan was startled for a second, a blush rising to the tip of his ears. He couldn't believe that he was actually responsible for inspiring the creation of such a breathtaking vision. Eugene looked like what Dan didn't dare to aspire to (a skinny sexy vampire with a chiselled jaw?), and Dan's adorable look today paled in comparison. Whilst Dan was busy being a squishy twink who looked like Kirby, Eugene was out here looking like a real man. Dan also couldn't deny that the interaction was flustering and flirty - Eugene was very obviously not straight. Dan was relishing in the attention, and also mostly having a little joke with himself about how most of the prefect board were just like him.

Whilst everyone was busy covering each other with rainbows, Dan sauntered over to Phil to glitter him up, dabbing blue glitter and silver stars confetti on his cheekbones to match the twinkle in his eyes. Phil had picked the silver stars to match Dan's earring that he had planned to wear, and it was a really good call. Dan flicked some into Phil's quiff too, before he could protest.

"Have you seen Eugene? Oh my fucking god," Dan whispered conspiringly, leaning in under the pretence of straightening (ha) Phil's collar. Phil scoffed, before sneaking a glance at Eugene. Dan was obviously fussing over him to avoid socialising.

"Yeah," Phil replied noncommittally, sitting still and letting himself be fussed over. He would've been blind if he didn't notice how extravagant Eugene was today - not exactly Phil's type, but he could understand why was Dan acting so blown away. Dan was always easily impressed - why else would he somehow think Phil was worth worshipping.

"Ugh! I don't know do I  _want_ to be him, or am I  _in love_  with him," Dan proclaimed dramatically, before being summoned to find the yellow glitter pot. Phil frowned as he considered the way Dan was biting his lip earlier. Surely Dan couldn't be serious - but now that they have confirmed that Eugene was potentially like the rest of them (who was Phil kidding, Eugene today looked more gay than Dan  _and_ Phil combined), Phil was immediately alert of the flirty winks he sent Dan's way. He wouldn't want them to become a thing (which was totally a tangible threat right now), it would be terrible for the prefect board. Or at least that was the excuse that Phil came up for himself, as he watched Dan's interactions with everyone carefully. That was one of the only advantages of being with Charlie, despite all the difficulty and heartbreak - they were both deep in the closet so there was never any chance that some other boy would just snatch him out of Phil's hands. But Dan, oh well - Dan was somehow everyone's, giving out these bright smiles and crinkled eyed giggles to everyone like they weren't goddamn precious. Dan was the end of Phil.

The entourage was definitely getting weird looks on the train, a bunch of teenage boys dressing up from head to toe in outrageously feminine and glittery garments. Luckily they stuck as a group and could look out for each other - a year 8 from Holmes was getting pretty stressed out by the unwanted (and unfriendly) attention, but Eugene jokingly assured him that he could take anyone down with his black belt karate. As Dan continued eavesdropping on Eugene's conversations, ranging from his Korean upbringing that got cut short when his mum remarried in France, to switching to fluent French to speak to an international from Norbury; he couldn't help but be intrigued and fascinated by Eugene. Dan couldn't believe that he had missed his presence until the prefect hustings - he simply had to go befriend Eugene (and debunk the mystery that was plaguing him for a week, obviously).

"So... I've never seen you come round to GSA things!" Dan feigned casualness as he carefully plonked himself down into the empty seat next to Eugene, treaded through the moving train cart. Eugene only chuckled.

"You couldn't have guessed that I'm queer, right? Must be me being too asian hahah," Eugene grinned at Dan, when Dan sheepishly tugged his lips, obviously having been busted. At least he knew now.

"... Anyway you really should come!" and hopefully bring more people in, Dan didn't say. He was glad that him and Eugene had something in common though, otherwise Dan always felt that he wasn't on an equal playing field with the rest of the prefects, being a late addition to the sixth form and all. Eugene shrugged good naturally, picking at his black nails.

"Eh, I'll think about it. I definitely appreciate the work you're doing for us all though," Eugene gestured at their group around them vaguely, and Dan blushed at the compliment. That wasn't a promise, but it was a start. Eugene seemed like the low key sort of person anyway.

"To be fair, I'm not even  _gay enough_  to be part of this, I think? I'm basically a straight guy who kissed a boy like, once," Eugene laughed it off, masking his insecurity.

"Trust me, you're already doing better than me. And  _I'm_  supposed to be president, so," Dan chuckled, assuring Eugene in his usual self deprecating fashion. Eugene's eyes widened in interest.

"So... you've never kissed a boy before?" Eugene asked conspiringly, wiggling his eyebrows at an increasingly embarrassed Dan. Dan shook his head, regretting himself for having revealed that. Luckily Eugene was nice about it, only lightly teasing Dan.

"Don't worry Dan, a lot of chances for you today. I'll make sure it happens, I'll be scouting cute boys for ya," Eugene said conspiringly with a wink, which only made Dan blush harder. Eugene was right though - where better to lose his first kiss (with a guy) to a stranger than a massive party of gays? Dan was imagining it, but he was pretty sure he would never be ready for it. As Dan stuttered his way out of this disaster conversation, Phil appeared in front of them, grabbing onto Dan's hand in his lap as he steadied himself in the aisle. Dan didn't think much of it - after all, as the train approached Brighton, more and more visibly not straight people piled in. This environment was definitely better than most for Phil to be as touchy as usual, so Dan didn't have a reason to complain.

"We'll be there soon," Phil informed everyone, subtly glaring at Eugene who had been having a laugh with Dan after glancing around. Dan hadn't noticed Phil's quiet jealousy and possessiveness, but Eugene with a sharp eye definitely picked up the familiarity of Phil slipping his fingers through Dan's. Interesting, Eugene noted to himself, thinking back to the many occurrences that Dan and Phil were operating as a conjoined unit, which was basically all the time. Maybe Dan was closer to his kiss than he thought, Eugene mused to himself.

It was the most stressful day known to man. From trying not to lose anyone in the crowd, to trying to figure out where to be at what times and just simply for once knowing what the fuck was happening - by the time they got everyone together in one piece, at an acceptably crowded spot (read: everywhere was crowded, as long as no one was suffocating it was fine), with the parade route in view, and in time to see the parade; the three upper sixth boys supposedly in charge were sweating head to toe and equally exhausted mentally.

But at least they made it. And it  _was_  worth it. As the parade started passing by the pedestrian that they were stationed at, everyone around them cheered at the floats and the parading people. All the paraders were dressed to impress, on cloud nine and spreading so much positivity and love - dancing and singing along to the assorted cliche pride songs blasting from the floats. The spectators were filming, snapping pictures - of the parade and also of themselves and each other. Everyone looked so beautiful and happy. And all the strangers were so nice - even offering to take a photo of all the boys, after watching Phil struggle to take a group selfie. Dan was so, so glad that he came - this might be the only day when he was actually really, really glad that he wasn't straight. That he got to be a part of this, all these friendly strangers waving at him and genuinely showering each other with celebratory love. It sounded cliche but Dan really felt appreciated in this overwhelmingly positive environment - and from what he could tell, the boys from GSA loved it too, with awed big grins on their faces as they waved the drag queens by.

The University of Brighton's group passed them, blasting "Born This Way" (which Dan was yelling the lyrics to, obviously); and a short Asian girl in the parade excitedly approached their side of the road, waving like mad. Eugene slowly recognised her and jumped in excitement as well, yelling Korean phrases back at her before she danced away.

"That was a childhood friend from Korea," Eugene explained, at everyone's confusion. "I uh, I actually have plans to go clubbing tonight so won't be going back with you guys probably, but anyone is welcome to join?"

"Even _I'm_  not eighteen yet, Eugene, I think we'll have to pass," Phil chuckled awkwardly, trying to ignore Dan's disappointed pout. "But yeah, should we all make our way back ourselves? People could stay for stuff or leave earlier if they wanted... Kevin is that okay with you guys?" The young boys seemed a bit unnerved at that, but agreed anyway. They wouldn't enjoy tagging along with the sixth formers partying, to be quite honest. 

The parade was over too soon - Dan was still buzzing with energy and fill to the brim with excitement as people began to fizzle away and volunteers began to pack up the venue. Phil gently stroked Dan's cheek to fix his glitter, as some boys began to bid goodbye and leave the group to go explore. Dan was dramatically bursting into tears just earlier upon seeing a group of old Christians with signs saying  _"We love you our angels"_ and  _"You are all God's Children"_  and et cetera - he just immediately started tearing up, before the old granny could even come to give him a hug. And Dan wasn't even religious - having people accept him with an open heart just really got to him, the memory of his mum driving him out of the house on Christmas Eve still a fresh wound. Phil chuckled exasperatedly at Dan being a mess, before pulling him into a hug, him standing on the curb and incidentally taller than Dan for once. Dan squeezed Phil tightly, laughing wetly at himself. He was so so happy today, goddamn it.

There were only Dan, Phil, Eugene and two other fifth formers left when they finally decided on where to go next. Since Eugene was the only one of age out of them all (because of something about moving schools in several continents that made him repeat a year), Eugene decided to take them to the main event space in a park, where he could get drinks for everyone, and they could all have a tipsy boogie with all the other pride goers. It was still bright and early for a club anyway.

The park was packed - they had to go through a small queue and security to be let in, but it wasn't actually too crowded when they had gone through. Eugene came back to their little bar table with five pitchers of cocktails and a group of older Korean friends, and the day just became blurry from then onwards. Dan was usually incredibly intimidated by strangers, but after some alcohol and Korean drinking games, he was suddenly a social butterfly. The older Koreans really took a liking to Dan because he was frankly, good game and a very entertaining drunk, and also adopted for being  _somewhat maybe kinda honorary_ Asian. And Jesus Christ the Koreans really could drink. By the second round, Dan was tripping on his own feet standing still and relying on Phil to prop him upright, although Dan himself kept insisting that he was fine through giggles and hiccups.

"We're going to go dance, wanna join?" Eugene yelled a bit too loudly into the middle of the table, a while after a DJ coming onto the main stage. Eugene might be able to hold his liquor, but he was obviously drunk now - everyone snorted at him. Dan was the first to squeal "Yes!", before begging Phil to join him with lazily blinking puppy eyes. Phil himself was pleasantly tipsy and swaying on the spot (definitely not as catastrophically drunk as Dan, it was somehow unwritten that Phil was in charge of getting them home), and the idea of dancing seemed more inviting than he would usually find it. The familiar melody of Beyonce was luring them in, and before they knew it, Dan and Phil were being dragged by Eugene into the middle of the field (dance floor), surrounded by other drunk dancing people.

Dan loved being drunk (not that he could say much from experience). The buzz in his veins, just generally being a bit less inhabited, everything got a little funnier and he giggled a lot, and him being more brazen and generally doing whatever the fuck he wanted, although still conscious enough to see himself doing it, and knowing that he would cringe at himself when sober, but still glad that drunk him was braver than usual. Like flirting with anyone with a heartbeat, up-selling himself as pretty in jokes, being the one initiating the touchiness with Phil for once, or in his case now, actually attempting to dance. This was his favourite part. While at prom, he was just testing the waters and swaying around happily: it didn't change the fact that he was super conscious about being 1) in drag and 2) the infamous prom queen. But here, today, Dan blended right in and couldn't stand out less if he tried - everyone around him was more flamboyant, more outlandish, and doing whatever the hell they wanted. Even dancing in proximity with any other male creature was a big step for Dan, not to mention many shirtless, ripped, older men. If Dan wasn't this intoxicated, he would run away. And they were acting slightly problematically predatory, although Dan didn't notice, but as always Phil kept an eye out for him and always subtly manoeuvred Dan away before he could feel uncomfortable.

At one point, Eugene slut dropped out of nowhere to a Rihanna number in attempt to do the Vogue, and Dan clumsily sauntered away and into Phil's waiting grip, as everyone cleared the floor for Eugene. Dan giggled again as he turned to face Phil properly, who was laughing slightly at Dan's clumsiness. And then they were dancing - Dan's arms waving crazily above them as he bounced to the beat, Phil joining him in awkward shuffles (that he was just drunk enough to stop caring about) and steady hands on either side of Dan's hips to make sure he didn't fall.

Dan was so beautiful - all bright and loud and massive smiles. Many people thought that Phil Lester embodied happiness and sunshine itself, being reliably positive and wholesome all the time - but Dan was the stars themselves. Spectacular, a bit too overwhelming, and taking Phil's breath away, especially in this moment right now. He didn't even know he could feel so alive before he met Dan, when every single day became an adventure. Even now, the two of them dancing chest to chest, in the middle of a pride parade after party with rainbow confetti raining around them, filled with so much joy that Phil would never have even dreamt of. Dan made Phil so happy.

Phil was captivated, he couldn't keep his eyes off Dan; his crinkly smiling eyes and sparkly freckles and asymmetrical dimples. Those brown, almost amber eyes in the late sunset were drawing Phil in, in, in; so warm and inviting just like the squishy lump of Dan under his covers every single night. Phil wanted Dan so, so much; he was almost surprised at himself that he had never noticed before. And here Dan was, right in between his palms, grinning at Phil like Phil actually mattered.

Crazy in Love came blasting in the speakers, and the crowd went wild, nudging Dan and Phil closer to each other. Dan's fingers were hooking onto the loopholes on Phil's jeans right now, pulling Phil snug against him as he enthusiastically mouthed the lyrics without a care in the world, staring right into Phil's eyes with their noses touching. Phil was so close - Dan couldn't even see him clearly in this distance anymore, going cross eyed if he tried too hard to look into Phil's eyes at this distance (or lack thereof). Phil was breathing in short puffs, warm air hitting Dan's cheek as they distractedly swayed to the music; chest to chest and hip to hip. Dan was right here: Phil reached up to run a hand along the side of Dan's cheek, starting from his chin and slowly through his hair tucked behind his ear until they reached the back of Dan's head, holding him in place. Dan's lips were brushing against his skin in the process of his distracted singing, and Phil was incredibly aware of every spot where they were touching, hot like a sparkle. Dan was right here. Phil took a long glance at Dan's lips beyond the bridge of his nose (as well as he could in this proximity), contemplating, unconsciously wetting his lips. Eventually the incredibly hazy Dan caught on, eyes drifting downwards to where Phil's line of vision had been, Phil's lips, so inviting. Dan's lips softly part in anticipation, their warm breaths mingling in between their skin as Phil's bottom lip teasingly grazed across Dan's top lip. The tense moment lasted forever - Dan blinking into the darkness which was just Phil's skin really, really close. Phil never taking an eye off his destination - the glossy pink lips of Dan's which tasted like artificial strawberry. The music around them dulled into an atmospheric hum, and suddenly it was just the two of them, swaying together in the centre of the universe.

Phil pulled apart just ever so slightly to swirl the tip of his nose against Dan's in a teasing dance, tickling Dan and startling him into a sharp intake of breath; and then Phil leaned in all at once, lips capturing Dan's smoothly with a slight tilt of his head. Phil was home.

Dan's eyes soon fluttered closed as Phil started kissing him, breaking away quickly after a slight tug before immediately going back in for a deeper kiss, softly sucking on Dan's lower lip with no mercy. Phil's fingers were tugging lightly on the hair on the back of his neck, whilst his other hand was steadily holding Dan close on his lower back: everything sent Dan into sensory overload that he just had to keep his eyes closed, he couldn't focus otherwise. Dan was melting into a putty inside - Phil wouldn't stop kissing him, he was incredible at this; soft and tugging and pulling and obediently following Dan when Dan clumsily chased him with his lips. Dan was so overwhelmed that he didn't know what to do with his hands except uselessly grab onto Phil's prominent shoulder blades, holding onto Phil for dear life. Their heads switched directions several times, as per Phil's cue, and Dan stupidly smashed his nose with his, but they were to busy to resume kissing to care. It was addictive - Dan felt like he had wanted this his entire fucking life, like every single mediocre kiss in his life had lead up to this. Heck, every single mediocre person in his life had lead up to Phil Lester, the perfect piece missing from his life that he didn't even know he was searching for.

Phil's stubble was scrapping against his jaw, which was a new sensation for Dan - but before he was conscious enough to complain, the tip of Phil's tongue teased his lip gently, triggering Dan's lips to hastily go slack and let Phil in. And then they were properly making out - Dan unabashedly sighing into Phil as he tried to match the tongue action, his entire being melting and the beginnings of a hard on draining all the blood in his body. Dan was so, so drunk, but still impossibly aware of Phil, who was all over him, all that he was holding onto. Phil was greedily taking in all of Dan that he could manage, that Dan was willing to give - they were shamelessly making out in the middle of a public park, but Phil also couldn't give less of a shit in this moment. Let the whole world know that Dan was his - because it was true. There must be no denying now.

The kiss dwindled to a natural end as Dan, still incredibly drunk and confused, became tired and the hype died with the music fading out. Phil pulled away, just enough for them to properly look at each other since ages, Phil looking incredibly sheepish as he came down from the high. Dan was just beginning to process that  _holy fuck_ , Phil just kissed - passionately made out - with him and it was the hottest thing ever that Dan was almost unable to physically cope - when Dan's thought was cut short with a dark fuzz momentarily clouding his vision.

"Phil? Phil, I feel terrible. Let's get out of here. Also can I get some water, please? Like now? I think I'm dying," Dan choked out in one go, and Phil immediately sprung to action, escorting Dan out of the crowd and grabbing a free water bottle out of the ice bucket as they marched to the toilets as quickly as possible. And that was the end of their night as Dan knew it.

Dan woke up with a pounding headache and the bin a makeshift sick bucket on the side of his bed. At the lack of rustling around him, Dan slowly remembered that Phil was due to leave for Florida today, and he vaguely heard the Lesters attempting to quietly move around the room a few hours earlier, Dan falling back asleep instantly after a peek and a probably rude grunt. It was a shame that he didn't see Phil off, although they would see each other in two weeks time. Dan drew an arm to his beside table, finding his water bottle that Phil had thoughtfully left and gratefully chugging on it, and slowly sat up in his bed once he deemed himself capable of doing so.

His right leg was burning like hell. Dan pulled his covers away to find a concerning cut running along his calf, the blood freshly dried and hardly scabbing - and most alarmingly, Dan had absolutely no recollections of it. He blinked at his leg, carefully turning it to inspect it, before deciding on consulting Phil about it.

"hey safe trip! sorry i couldn't see you off."  
"by the way, wtf happened to my leg? since when? (worried emoji)"

Dan impatiently double texted, when he didn't receive an immediate answer from Phil. Everything hurt, he needed answers.

"You okay? You seemed pretty rough this morning. You fell at the platform when we got to Chicheston, remember?"

Dan frowned at the text, before realising with a start that he did not remember how did they get home at all. Dan could scarcely remember how much did he have to drink. It was time to panic.

"phil what the fuck i've forgotten what happened the entire night... how much did i have to drink? why didn't u stop me? omg"

Dan sighed dramatically at himself, as he waited for Phil to reveal more embarrassing stories of himself that he couldn't recall. This always happens, Dan really needed to start regulating his alcohol - Dan didn't remember all of his prom either.

 _"_ How much did you forget? (thinking emoji) (surprised emoji)"  
Phil seemed adamant to embarrass Dan. But oh well, Dan remembered jack shit, he could just deny anything that Phil claimed to have happened.

"literally like, nothing?!!!! i mean, i know we went to dance, and then eugene tried to vogue... next thing i know uh, omg did i puke in the portaloo?? ffs end me"   
Dan texted his stream of consciousness as he tried to recall broken pieces of the night, horrifying himself further and further. It was an incredible day but, never again. Dan flopped back into bed to hopefully cure his hangover.

Meanwhile, Phil was gaping at his phone, in the car on the way to Heathrow airport. Whilst he had been in a turmoil ever since last night, the memory harshly branded in his mind, Dan had completely forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahHHHhhHH thirty chapters and we finally got to a kiss! yay!
> 
> sorry for the longer chapter and filler beginning lol, i hope that was worth it
> 
> i hope the kiss was good enough i didn't want it to be like, too hot and dramatic but also; in context 1) phil is a player and has done stuff with a boy before and 2) i'm assuming this isn't dan's first kiss and there were some not serious girls in his life
> 
> i'm sorry nothing ever happens if no one's drunk! this is definitely a reflection of my own person lol i'll try and make it more healthy and wholesome in the future


	31. are you mine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the kiss, Phil reassesses his feelings towards Dan. Oblivious and on the other side of the world, Dan opens up to his family, and owns his sexuality.

Florida was scorching hot. The Lesters always rented out a holiday home for two weeks, the little villa houses with their own pool that were managed by Disneyland but a tad bit further away from the actual parks - it was a family tradition. Katherine Lester was obsessed with bonding time and open communication and building a healthy family and all that - so they did this every summer, spend the first week driving into the parks and the second just chilling in the house and the pool. This year both Phil and Martyn felt like they were growing out of Disneyland parks (which was a tragedy), and everyone felt too old and tired to intensely queue up for ride after ride like they used to before, so the trips to the parks were more sparse and short and most of the time was spent in this massive house with confusing room configurations, their parents sitting out in the patio to soak up the sun and Martyn bellyflopping into the pool. Phil stayed inside the most often during the day because he burnt too easily.

He was always sweating. The heat reminded Phil of the heatwave they got in Chicheston, but luckily in Florida they have air conditioners instead of just one half-broken fan that he had go share with Dan. Phil wondered what his family thought of him and Dan sleeping together - innocently, cuddling at most, something like that. They weren't even exactly coddled up lovingly the last time Phil's family caught a glimpse of Dan - Phil was paranoid all night after sobering up and taking care of Dan, worried that he was going to choke on his vomit and die a dramatic death, although Dan only passed out after throwing up a gallon in the loos outside their common room (Phil was kind of glad it hadn't been their en suite, or anywhere he had to be responsible for cleaning up). Phil had a sick bucket ready, he had two water bottles by his side, and he sat up against the headboard next to Dan all night, watching his every move. Eventually Phil's own exhaustion took him out like a light, and he fell asleep draped across Dan's pillow (which had escaped Dan who was fidgeting during the night). His mum calling him woke Phil up, and he hastily went to the front to let them in (it was Phil's house for now, after all), still in his pyjamas and just trying his best not to wake Dan. Obviously Phil never thought about their two beds still pushed together or their clashing duvets tangled with each other.

His parents and Martyn quickly learned to hush and creep around the room, once they took in the dark room and Dan's corpselike lump in the bed, who barely responded at Phil's mum's empathetically chuckled hello. Phil's dad raised his eyebrow at the interesting sleeping arrangements posing suggestions before him, and Martyn was less reserved, ready to snicker out a tease, but Phil shooed them out of the room with his already packed luggage before they could say any further. He only backtracked quickly to move the water bottles from his side to the table beside Dan. Phil blinked forlorningly at Dan, the disaster of crazy curls and soft cheeks that Phil didn't really want to leave right now, and left Stanley in his dad's car.

Martyn saved it for the journey, after feeling sorry for the mess that Dan was (he's a uni student who always drank too much, of course he sympathised).

"So, how's Dan?" he asked suggestively across the backseat, meaning to hint that he was asking about how was Dan  _and Phil doing_. Phil was texting on his phone (to Dan, ironically), frowning at it and incessantly distracted.

"Oh, he's terrible. We went to Brighton Pride yesterday and I really shouldn't have let him drink that much," Phil answered, and the tense car full of people decided that was the end of the conversation when Martyn didn't tease out anything he wanted to hear.

Phil's out to his family now, have been for a while. During New Year's, a few days after Dan had left them to go back to his nan's, Phil decided that it was time to come out. He was strangely calm about it, like it was long overdue that he told his parents. Phil had a feeling that Martyn kind of knew, Phil had always been a strange child and the little brother that Martyn had to be protective of to get bullied less, but Phil only felt comfortable recently seeing how Martyn had grown out of his typical dudebro attitude. Uni had changed Martyn, perhaps. So Martyn wasn't really all that surprised to hear, only clapping Phil's back encouragingly before excusing himself to his room again. His mother was being overly emotional as usual - not in a bad way, she was just glad that Phil was finally out his reserved funk over the past year, immediately deducing that it must have been because of Phil being stuck in the closet. She wasn't all wrong, Phil thought. His dad was initially a bit weirded out about it, but he got over it soon enough - Phil was convinced that there was less pressure on him since he was the younger son and they still had Martyn as the  _normal_ , lesser of a headache of a son, but Phil wasn't complaining. At least his bisexuality was one thing out of the way with his family, who had always liked to pry until there were no more secrets between Phil and them. Phil figured that he could explain his past affair with his roommate that resulted in him breaking into tears at every opportunity during the last time they were in Florida at another time. Even Phil himself still needed time to process that.

Promptly after him coming out as bisexual, Phil's mum started the interrogations in no time. The first, and foremost question was, of course, "Is it Dan?"

She had to wink and giggle along with it as well, implying that 1) Phil's unexpectedly timed coming out was attributed to Dan (in hindsight it probably was), and 2) Dan and Phil were a thing, well, something. Phil saw it coming, he knew that his mum had a soft spot for Dan. Most people did. But at the time, truthfully Phil's answer was: no, Dan didn't inspire him to realise his bisexuality, and there was nothing but innocent friendship between them, and Phil soon enough distracted his mum with the heart-wrenching story of the real reason why Dan crashed their Christmas. Phil shouldn't have told, but it wasn't like his mum was going to tell anyone that would put Dan at stake anyway. It was mostly the reason why she was so desperate to invite Dan home for every single holiday now, worried that he would be homeless. It was quite sweet how she liked Dan so much, to be honest, but mostly, she was hungry for gossip and making theories out of her sons' love lives as a hobby.

That was the Lesters' go to attitude towards Phil's newfound bisexuality now, to harmlessly tease and conspire against him, in a subtle way to hint to Phil that it was okay and he could be open with his family. But there was no denying there was something suspicious between Phil and the fast friend he made this school year, his roommate Dan, after they all walked in on their bedroom having only one bed(! it took Katherine a heart attack later to notice it was indeed two beds, pushed together). Phil's mum knew all of Phil's friends by name, but she would be stupid to not notice how Dan stood a special place. Martyn tended not to interfere with his brother's life, but he did watch Phil's videos and notice how close the two boys were; naturally the duo had been gossiping the entire holiday when Phil was too busy mysteriously moping around to notice. Maybe Phil missed Dan, they theorised. Martyn certainly missed his girlfriend, who was banned from the trip because they hadn't been together for a half a year yet and the relationship apparently wasn't serious enough to introduce her into a family tradition (he knew better than to argue mum).

Phil gave up on trying to film a new video after his thoughts have drifted to Dan and his family conspiring behind him yet again. And he couldn't even deny it if mum finally decided to upright pry about him and Dan - Phil was hit by the realisation of how serious his feelings for Dan was, like a high speed freight train. Phil wanted to curse himself for not seeing it coming: in hindsight, Dan had probably been special ever since thinking about him had given Phil the courage to continue making videos. And that was in October, oh God. Phil had been incredibly thick. He probably had been consciously in denial, under the surface where he liked to ignore thoughts that could be dangerous to his shallow and easily happy existence, wary to ever think about another person like that ever since Charlie walked away. (It wasn't like it was Charlie's fault, or that Phil was  _in love_  with him, they were nowhere near - it was all just a bit too intense, over too quick, and traumatically ended without closure.)

Phil didn't want someone to stamp over his life again so quickly, but Dan Howell waltzed in anyway, quite literally taking up space in Phil's life before Phil declared he was ready. Now Phil  _wanted_ Dan to hold that space in his heart, not just because he needed someone, but because he wanted Dan, specifically; and yet Dan was an ocean away and had conveniently erased the moment when Phil finally found to courage to cross into that space, that special spot in Dan's life, and let Dan into his. Now that Phil, colossal idiot that he was, finally caught up with his feelings, him and Dan were supposed to go back to the way it was before, and under the limelight again, no less. The universe was pulling a joke on Phil. He simply couldn't go back to the way it was, now that he knew what it was like to have Dan; in his arms, captured in his lips, in his life bringing more joy than Phil ever remembered having. It wasn't like he was unhappy before Dan, but Dan added so much more ever since he was in the picture. And now Phil was proper unhappy about this whole disastrous situation.

Dan wanted Phil to send him all their photos from Pride. Phil sighed loudly to himself, but flopped onto the sofa and started scrolling through the photos on his phone, marking them to send to Dan anyway. They  _were_  cute photos. A darker side of Phil initially thought that this was a trick from Dan, that he was under the pretence of forgetting their kiss because 1) Dan regretted it or 2) this was some kind of a test. Phil doubted that was the case, once he cleared his head (with extreme difficulty in the Florida humidity), but decided that playing along with it was the best course of action for now. Phil should talk about his feelings with Dan, sooner or later (for once in his life, committing to confrontation), but certainly not now, over the phone and miles away. This would give him time to prepare and sort out his thoughts anyway.

Martyn walked into the living room from the patio, draped in a towel and still slightly dripping. He casually peered at Phil's phone to spy on him, and Phil hadn't bothered to hide it (it wasn't anything scandalous anyway). Martyn smiled to himself at a selfie of Dan and Phil, cheeks shimmering in glitter and pressed together. Dan was a painfully awkward boy with strangers, but Martyn could see the two of them getting along. They had been bonding over Facebook messages over Martyn's old Xbox games that were now Dan and Phil's.

"So... what's up with you and Dan? Mum wants to know too," Martyn asked, as suggestive as he could manage to sound. He'd like to think he was making an educated assumption and not just out to bully Phil like Phil thought - after all 1) Dan went to Brighton Pride so that probably meant he was gay in some capacity and 2) they  _were_ sharing a bed. Phil groaned, irritable as he was lately, as he sent his photos and threw his phone onto the sofa.

"You want me to be honest? Really, I don't know. I don't know what's up between us," Phil declared defeatedly, pouting at his older brother. Martyn stopped in his tracks of rubbing his hair dry: that was not the answer he was expecting. At least Phil sounded genuine. Now Martyn felt incredibly awkward: he should never have agreed to do this for Mum, God damn it.

"Oh. Well, I'm sure you guys will work it out," Martyn said sheepishly. Phil only chuckled bitterly back. Martyn had never seen Phil in so deep with a girl before (it had always been a girl, as far as he was concerned anyway) - Phil seemed like he was in real trouble this time. Dan was sweet though, they'd probably be fine sooner or later.

"Anyway, I never knew how you and Cornelia got together," Phil quipped, trying to lighten up the conversation. He liked Martyn's new girlfriend - they hadn't met yet, but Phil and Cornelia followed each other on Instagram and stuff. She seemed so cool, Phil almost thought she was a bit too eccentric for Martyn to keep up - but she was getting him out of his shell, so Phil was happy for his brother. Phil and Martyn weren't distant brothers, but they almost never breached the topic of relationships. At the mention of Cornelia, Martyn blushed hilariously.

"Oh, um. We've been flirting back and forth pretty much since the beginning, really. And our friends forced us to go on a double date the weekend before Valentine's Day - obviously it wasn't a  _date_ then. And then I was just gonna tell her to forget about everything that happened, but then Cornelia, she uh," Martyn laughed at himself, before he could continue.

"So on Valentine's Day, she just walked up to me, and was like, 'Well  _I'm_ not gonna pretend everything just didn't happen,' and then she asked me out," Phil laughed at that. Cornelia was incredible.

" _You_  got asked out? I can totally imagine her doing that, to be honest. Aw man, I can't wait to meet Cornelia, she seems so cool. Way cooler than you," Phil teased, poking out a tongue at Martyn.

"Yeah, I think you'll like her," Martyn smiled bashfully, once they were done poking each other on the sofa. He was really happy that him and Cornelia got together - he wished that Phil could be happy too. Phil deserved it.

Dan stared at himself through the screen, grinning wide and cheeks painted in pink glitter, arms spread around all the boys that were with them at Pride. He was contemplating posting these photos - who was Dan kidding, of course he was going to fish for affirmation on Instagram, why else did he look so cute for: Dan being a flamboyant bisexual was no secret to most by now anyway. Obviously, it was a bit sensitive and Dan had to make sure he didn't out anyone in the group photos - maybe him and Phil's selfie could make the cut, although Dan was unsure what kind of message would that send. Although he did explicitly specify that he was going to post photos - Phil sending them was a silent permission, Dan hopefully guessed.

Having a closet to come out of was still incredibly difficult to navigate - it seemed that Dan never stopped having to come out, when considering ever single action in his day to day life. It felt a bit like a smack to the face, really, especially after going to a pride parade. For instance, Dan's dad and nan still had no idea - not that he ever had to lie about anything, so he wasn't purposefully deceiving per se, just, retaining information (which he did a lot with all aspects of his life anyway). Even at the rare tease about girlfriends from his nan, Dan was still as honest as he could - the perks of being bisexual, Dan mused to himself. His closet could be see through and invisible forever, if he wanted it to be.

They were spending time together right now - his grandmother, his dad, and Dan, all sitting in the TV room after dinner, distractedly watching Jeremy Kyle (just because it was on). His dad had some business to do in London first, but for the rest of the week, he was actually taking a vacation, back in Reading, to spend time with his son (and his own mother as well, obviously - sometimes Dan forgot that his grandma and his dad didn't see each other for years at a time). Dan didn't remember a time when his dad was so chilled, waking up without having to rush off somewhere, Dan coming downstairs to find his dad idly drinking tea and reading the papers at the dining table. They even went strawberry picking one day, the three of them - which felt surreal and out of place, but Dan enjoyed it nonetheless. 

Dan finally opened up about school, over dinner tonight, which he had almost never done before in his life. But lately they had spent so much time together and were running out of things to say, and it was comfortable, and conversation between him and his dad was finally not rushed so... well, why not. Dan's dad was definitely surprised to hear that Dan had became a completely different person in the past year - doing theatre and being a prefect. Dan used to be a happy theatre kid - both his nan and dad were thankful to hear that he got back into the game, both of them sharing fond memories of taking a toddler (and primary school aged) Dan to rehearsals and dance classes. They even found the cassette tape documenting a wee little Dan doing a karaoke/choreography extraordinaire in the attic and watched it to reminiscence, much to Dan's embarrassment. Dan was far from ever feeling settled and content in the house in Reading, but the time spent with his dad and nan felt surprisingly easy and familiar, like the years of angst and bottling himself up just faded away.

"Dan, I'm actually so glad that you found your passion in theatre again," his dad said, seriously, late into the night when the TV was nothing but a low hum in the background and his nan off to finish up the washing.

"As you got older, you are great at school, but I noticed that... that you got less and less confident. Unsure of yourself, really. I'm happy that you're out of your shell again," his smile was so sincere that Dan felt choked up. Dan could only manage a meek smile back, hands clutching at the mug of no longer hot tea in a death grip. His dad's suddenly emotional lecture was hardly done, as it seemed. Dan was both uncomfortable and weirdly welcoming to this sudden shift in their relationship.

"You know that you can do whatever you want in life, right? Be whoever you want to be. I've let you gone this far to leave Singapore in the first place, and I trust you to make the right decisions for yourself, so you know that I'll always support you in anything you do in life, hmm?" He's being too serious for Dan to cope - Dan knew that this sudden declaration probably stemmed from earlier conversations about Dan's university anxieties about the future, but Dan couldn't help but fixate on how by approving of his theatre career, his dad was silently approving of Dan's less than traditionally masculine being as well. That was one of the major reasons of Dan quitting drama in his adolescence - he had felt too self conscious to continue, ridden with the unknown growing sexuality identity crisis that had always been brewing in the back of his mind. 

His dad had always been here for him, however dysfunctional, he was always supportive and kind hearted - Dan was overcome with the urge to come out to him, right here, right now. It seemed like it was now or never: Dan had been obsessing over this for every waking hour in the past few days, he should seize the opportunity. His palms were sweaty and Dan could taste bile in his throat.

"I uh... I'm bisexual. I like both... both guys and girls. Yeah," Dan blurted out in one go, regretting instantly as he scrutinised his dad's multitude of expressions, holding his breath as he waited for any reaction. This frozen moment in time was the most terrifying - Dan's legs were telling him to bolt and run, like how he did when he fled from his mother.

"What?" His dad finally settled on confusion, after spending forever trying to react to the news that came out of nowhere. Dan bit his lip, unwilling to push the same words out of him again, all the emotional energy already drained out of him - he knew that he was heard, no one would take that long to process something they didn't hear. This wasn't as bad as the outright rejection by his mother, but Dan might as well have been rejected again. Dan shuffled in his chair, tempted to just leave the room and the situation.

"You heard me. You know what, never mind..." Dan was about to take in a large breath and walk back to his room to regret all of his life decisions, when his grandma inconveniently walked back into the living room, trapping him. She looked so undisturbed and out of place in the tense environment.

"Heya! What's going on?" Carol asked, confused, after picking up on both Dan and his dad's pained expressions. Dan shrugged, wanting to shrink into the carpet and just disappear. His dad cleared his throat, and slowly made his way across the room to Dan, much to Dan's surprise.

"Nothing much. Just that Dan likes blokes as well as girls," his dad said slowly but surely, belatedly and awkwardly pulling Dan into a half hug, as some sort of consolation gesture of solidarity and support. Dan sighed in relief and felt half his weight leave his body. His dad's palm is warm and heavy on his shoulder - Dan decided that he loves his dad ten thousand times more than he could ever even tolerate his mum. His dad was terrible and kind of unavailable when he had to work on his own issues but still, Dan loves him.

His grandmother chuckled, in her omniscient, unsurprised kind of way, before swapping both of their teas out with fresh, hot peppermint tea, resuming her normal actions. Dan accepted it gracefully, blinking out the tears that threatened to fall and letting the steam unclog his emotional and sniffly nose. His dad stopped touching him and went to lead on the side of the armchair instead. Carol was still staring lovingly at him, a small smile on her cheek.

"Are you together with that Philip then?" His nan asked, cheekily, and Dan spluttered dramatically. His dad, still in the process of accepting the news, did a double take as well.

"Who's Philip?" he asked, half alarmed and half amused. Dan went back to wanting to die, groaning loudly.

"No! And no one! Phil is no one," Dan retaliated in panic, and his dad and nan crackled in sync, sharing a look conspiringly. His nan whispered something to his dad, and agreed to share more intel about this mysterious boy in Dan's life at a later time. For now, they would leave the teasing alone. 

His grandma soon left the room with another "Love you both, goodnight", just like any other night, but nonetheless the small proclamation of love and acceptance left Dan warm and content inside. He knew that his nan would probably be fine with him being a serial killer, but it was still nice to hear verbal affirmation, no matter how insignificant it was. Dan and his dad was left alone in the room, weird tension still not yet dissipated. Dan still couldn't gage if his dad was sad, or even a little disappointed at the news. At least he wasn't mad at Dan.

"Are you disappointed?" Dan asked meekly, after minutes of dead silence. His curiosity got the better of him, but Dan really needed to know. He wasn't used to being a disappointment - even when his dad didn't ask much of him, Dan always delivered. Flawless grades and never getting into any trouble. His dad sighed deeply.

"To be honest, I thought I would be. But then I thought about the time when me and your mum split, and I was so, so glad that I got to keep you. You're my child, the only thing that really matters that I get to have. As long as you're healthy and happy, I don't think anything else could really bother me, especially something as trivial as your love life and dating. I'm your dad, I'm here to support you." 

At the end of the little speech, Dan and his dad were hugging each other, Dan having stood up from his chair half way through to walk into his dad's embrace. Dan was tall, but his dad was even taller - it was just like the years before, him and his clueless dad against the rest of the world. Dan couldn't be anymore grateful that his dad got his back, despite everything.

"Ugh, does this mean I have to give you another sex talk?" His dad groaned in dread, and Dan yelped in protest at that as well, breaking out of the hug and physically bolting across the room and away from the disaster.

"NO THANK YOU! I  _know_  my stuff, I'm responsible, that's all you need to be concerned about," Dan protested, blushing wildly. 

"I'm the president of the Gay Straight Alliance, for Christ's sake, so I'm definitely educated. And responsible. Very safe. And not even having sex at all. There you go." Dan was as red as a tomato. His dad laughed, hardly hiding his relief.

"Alright then, Mr. President. I'm more than happy not to pry, if you don't want me to." He shrugged, slightly embarrassed too. This had been an emotionally taxing evening. 

"Although I would like to be introduced to Phil some day." Dan shoved his dad unapologetically on his way out of the living room.

Ironically, Phil was the first friend who Dan shared his coming out experience with, over frantic texts later that night when Dan was struggling to fall asleep and Phil was still in the Floridian sun. In hindsight, Dan probably could've texted Louise first, but for a while now, Phil had been the person who knew Dan most intimately, and all the ins and outs of the things that Dan kept close to heart, so Dan just had to talk it out to him out of everyone first, despite the massive hurdle of his coming out being intrinsically linked with his hopeless and dangerous tangle of feelings with Phil. Phil had been the there since the start of Dan's sexual discovery (ha), so it was only fair that he was updated along the way.

"i came out to my dad and nan just now!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhh"

"it went alright i think"

"he was cool with it"

"i don't know why i did it but i'm glad i did"

"by the way don't call me i don't wanna wake them up lol"

Dan typed furiously on his phone, sending the last text when he received no immediate answer. He was too emotional to talk on the phone right now, he didn't say. Or the fact that if his dad or his nan overheard him on the phone with another boy it would just confirm their teasing suspicions. 

Dan belatedly realised that time difference was a thing, after ten minutes of radio silence and his heart slowly returning to a normal pace. Phil was so far away - Dan swore it caused a physical ache in him to be so far apart from him, especially when he needed Phil right now.

On the other side, Phil just woke up in sunny Florida, groggily picking up his phone on his side which had been vibrating non stop. Upon reading the texts, Phil sprung up from his bed immediately.

"Omg (wow emoji) (wow emoji) (wow emoji)"

"Well done? I'm so proud of you dan. I'm glad that it went well!! (blue heart emoji) (pink heart emoji)"

"lol thank u me too. i can't believe i actually did it, i didn't even think about it a lot beforehand."

"at least my mum can't use it as blackmail now. it feels weird! idk do you get me if i say that, it feels more real now? like i'm a real gay (laughcry emoji)"

"LOL real gay"

"okay anyway i gotta sleep. enjoy your day! don't burn too much lol"

"You bet lol. Goodnight! Tell me all about it once we get back! (smiley emoji)"

"ya will do have a nice day phil x"

Phil flopped back onto his bed, holding out his phone above him pensively once Dan showed no more signs of texting back. Quoting Dan, his sexuality felt truly valid now. Happy and proud of Dan aside, Phil couldn't stop wandering back to his dwelling on the goddamn kiss that they shared the day before they parted ways. Or it could've been multiple kisses, Phil lost track. The memory of the actual kiss might be blurry, but the deep desire for more of Dan was scorched into the back of his brain, never forgotten. All Phil knew was that he wanted more - kisses, another sample of the sparks that were ignited by Dan's touch, or even just the goodness of Dan himself. The more he pondered on Dan's growth in confidence in his sexuality, the more Phil doubted that Dan completely averted and ignored the incident because he was shell shocked from finally kissing a boy. Phil highly doubted that it would be an issue for the Gay Straight Alliance president himself.

So it must mean that Dan had a problem with Phil himself instead then. That he regretted kissing Phil in particular - the thought was bitter at the back of his throat. In all fairness, Dan had all the reasons to. He probably didn't like Phil, or maybe he felt that the potential of them was cursed: because they were best friends, roommates, and Dan felt weird about having a romantic aspect towards a youtuber he had been following for years. The odds were against Phil - the problems were as real to them as they could be to Dan too. The last time he "dated" his roommate, who was also his closest friend, it had ended in flames. Who was Phil to decide that it wouldn't this time round. 

But Dan Howell was worth it. 

Was Phil worth it for Dan too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for low key filler!! and slow burn!!


	32. leap of faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time Phil tries to be honest with Dan, something always get in his way. But he's done with excuses. He wants Dan, for real.

Phil had meant to stop being a coward and confront Dan about whatever was now hanging between them, he really did. But as the cab drew closer to Chicheston School and the familiar red brick of Stanley House was in sight, he felt his heart hammering so hard in his chest that he couldn't breathe. The thought of seeing Dan in the flesh again for the first time after that pivotal kiss (well, it was technically the last moment Phil saw Dan before he lost all consciousness) was making Phil panic - he was definitely going to back out, or pass out. Phil knew he was going to chicken out the moment he stepped through the threshold - he didn't know what was he nervous about, he had weeks to think about it and his excuse of not seeing Dan face to face had ran up. Phil guessed he was scared of Dan's real time reaction - behind a screen, Phil could pretend everything was fine, and curate the direction of the conversation in his own head, sparing his dignity. But an actual conversation with Dan in front of him, in real time - ugh he hated how much of a socially anxious millennial stereotype he was - Phil was afraid that he would read something off Dan's face that he didn't want to, even before he would have a chance to get all his words out. It was easier to be in denial of rejection when he couldn't see it. Plus, it was totally weird to burst into such a conversation topic right away anyway, at the first sight of his roommate who he hadn't seen in three weeks. Yep, it's a totally weird thing to do. And in the worst case scenario, if all things go south, term had just started. If Phil really read it wrong and botched this, they would have to be awkward and unfriendly to each other whilst being roommates, in the same friendship group, and having prefect meetings every week for the rest of the year. Phil wasn't ready to let go of the blissful pretence of not noticing the thick tension between them whilst cosying up to Dan just yet.

It seemed that Phil didn't have to agonise over making his mind up after all, once he entered the familiarity of West Wing 1 (God, he still couldn't get over how this room was basically an apartment), walking past their sofa and Phil's dying plants on his desk, through the arch, to find that their beds had become two again. Where it used to be two beds joined in the middle was now Phil's bed right against the wall, so very far away from Dan's, with their two bedside tables in between, just like how it was originally set up before they moved in. Phil was already mourning his cuddles with Dan, or even just the prospect of them lying next to each other, fully acknowledging the romantic connotations. He heard the shower running before he could even process what this new (old) furniture arrangement meant, and Phil could never ignore Dan's pile of mess left sprawling from his desk to his bed. Dan was already back - Phil wondered if it was Dan's doing, jumped to the conclusion right away even. Rationally, in the back of Phil's mind, he had a slither of hope that maybe it was someone from maintenance, or the cleaner who was supposed to clean their ensuite weekly who had moved things around - after all, Dan and Phil had stayed in their room throughout the summer relatively undisturbed, and even Phil himself would have reservations about being walked in on sharing a bed with Dan by virtual strangers. And yet, a despaired Phil latched onto the possibility that it was Dan's doing - even so, there could be totally valid un-Phil-related reasons behind it, and yet, Phil thought it must be a silent hint for Phil to back off. That Dan had cleared his head after three weeks of being apart and realised that whatever trajectory they were on, it was probably a bad idea. Phil sometimes tried to convince himself that it was a bad idea too, lord knows he had been subconsciously doing so because he liked denying himself of happiness. So it seemed they were back to square one now - it was like the summer was just a dream. Phil couldn't help but sigh as he flopped onto his bed.

Dan always took ages in the shower - when he stepped out, Phil intuitively sat up slightly to look at him, and immediately wished he hadn't. Dan got a haircut - the shaved sides were more prominent, and his mop of curls was definitely styled (Phil wondered was it something bougie like seawater spray that Dan's dad brought from home), his arms were out in a white tank top, showing off a field of freckles dotting his golden skin, now that the sunburn had gone away. 

Dan cracked into a wide dimpled smile and Phil felt physically pained. He didn't know was he supposed to be overjoyed to see Dan again or wallowing in self pity about the recent revelations of unlikely prospects between them. Dan was so beautiful - once Phil had realised, ever since he had crossed that line, it was like a switch he couldn't turn off now. Just the sight of Dan was overwhelming. He sat up fully, attempting an enthusiastic greeting; Dan stepped closer to give him a brief hug, holding Phil's hand and not letting go when they parted, swinging their hands between them cheerfully like it was something casual. Phil was going to cry out of frustration. Dan's palm was soft and squishy and fit perfectly in his equally freakishly long fingers.

"Oh my god! I still haven't told you about coming out to my dad," Dan sprung into action, blabbering immediately, excited that he could finally rant and squeal about it to Phil, having to keep it to himself unbearably for the past few days. Phil reacted to the story appropriately, an engaging listener as usual - although he couldn't stop being distracted from staring up to Dan standing in the way of the window, his face unfortunately obscured in the shadow and a soft halo glowing above his curls. Whilst Phil was having a shocking revelation crisis, Dan was still the same old, jumping back into their friendship like there hadn't been a break and Phil simply had to click the pause/play button. Phil kind of loved and hated Dan for being so - always thawing ice wherever he went, but sometimes too much to handle.

By the end of his story, Dan had scooted onto the corner of Phil's bed, sitting crossed legged in front of Phil and still holding his hand in his palms distractedly. Phil didn't think Dan was even aware of it, but he wasn't complaining at all. Phil's legs were folded too, his knee slightly touching Dan's through his grey sweatpants - Phil felt like his entire lifetime of carelessly flirting has backfired, now that he had to be hyperaware of every little infuriating touch. No wonder Dan was so mad at him before summer, he kind of deserved it.

"And now my dad and my nan are conspiring against me and saying that I'm dating someone from school," Dan giggled, humouring himself. Phil didn't find it as funny - the thought of Dan seeing someone was devastating. Phil found it impossible to stay gloomy when Dan's happy face was so close to his though, corners of his eyes crinkling and his cheeks blushing.

"They thought - ah, never mind," Dan caught his tongue before he could slip up, peering at Phil surreptitiously. Dan gulped - mentioning the prospect of him and Phil together was too risky and too revealing of him. 

Phil's clear blue eyes snapped back into focus, staring at Dan curiously, gently humming in question. Dan choked out an inexplicable chuckle, making Phil even more confused. Dan hadn't realised that their faces were so close - he would try and avert eye contact, to not let Phil read him, but it's been long enough for Dan to know that it was a futile attempt. Phil had him locked in. 

They were still holding hands. The quiet tension just wouldn't dissipate. Dan tried to find something to say, to change the topic, but no words would come out. Dan had no idea how they got here - he could see the specks of green in Phil's eyes, that was how close they were to each other. He supposed it's inevitable - Dan and Phil couldn't be in the same room for more than one day without Dan feeling like he was going to be suffocated by his overwhelming feelings. Phil Lester was going to be the death of him.

The room was so quiet - all Phil could hear was him and Dan's soft breathing - although Phil thought he was maybe holding his own breath altogether. Dan was right in front of him - this felt familiar. Phil had never had a bigger urge to kiss someone than right now in this moment - but it was so delicate and Phil was so scared of breaking it. He wanted to reach out so bad - and he did, as subtly and slowly as possible, softly squeezing Dan's hand once and inching his face even closer. Dan was frozen, but didn't make a move to pull away either, eyes widening in a minuscule movement. His lips were slightly parted in shock, and Phil couldn't help but sneak a quick peek at them. Dan had been taking care of himself, his lips weren't chapped as always. Phil surprised himself for having taken notice all this time. They both couldn't believe that this was actually happening.

"Dan, I..." so close now. Their nose were almost touching, and in another second, Dan's eyes would flutter shut.

"Hey - ho!" PJ's cheery voice shocked them out of the moment with a loud swing of the door, Dan scrambling off the bed and escaping to meet him immediately whilst Phil jumped in his own bed. Dan's heart was still pounding in his chest as he stepped into their living room to give PJ a hug.

"Oh wow, is that an Xbox? You guys are so gonna fail your A Levels if you keep living this lavish lifestyle," PJ tutted, taking in their room and eyes already glimmering at their TV set. Dan nodded distractedly, hardly taking offence to PJ's teasing. 

Phil was about to kiss him, wasn't he? Dan was internally screaming. But he couldn't stop doubting himself - it undeniably felt like it was going to be a kiss, but now that PJ had so rudely interrupted, he would never know. Dan condemned PJ as he glared at his oblivious friend flopping onto their sofa.

"Hey PJ! How was your summer! Missed ya," Phil chipped in cheerfully as he emerged from beyond the arch, composed as ever as if nothing happened. Dan blushed - he couldn't bear to make eye contact with Phil right now. Phil was set on avoiding peering at Dan too, dragging PJ to a room tour. Not long after Chris arrived to intrude their room too - happy to see his friends aside, Dan was already regretting letting Chris and PJ move into WW2 next to them. He wondered would he ever have an opportunity to address what just happened between him and Phil, after the moment was so rudely killed.

The contrast between their idle summer spent in Stanley and the start of term was almost comical - Dan and Phil, as Head of House and Head Boy, were expected to hit the ground running in their roles right away, especially with chores like meetings with every single important teacher, receiving the newcomers, and Phil delivering a speech for the start of year. Hitting the ground, immediately tripping over his own toes and falling behind was more suited to how Dan was feeling about himself right now. Term hadn't even started officially, and he was already overwhelmed with all his responsibilities. The first morning after he came back, before Dan could even finish unpacking, he was subjected to room allotting spreadsheets that Mrs. Hedgers dumped onto him last minute, and familiarising himself with a surprisingly not short list of newcomers at Stanley, some of which had willingly moved from other houses, which was a small blessing (and perhaps, boost to Dan's house pride) to this stressful ordeal. He hadn't even had time to properly catch up with Phil after dinner last night - the Head Boy was promptly dragged everywhere to meet every single year head and new teachers and what not. Dan felt quite bad for Phil, to be honest, although he missed his best friend. Phil looked immaculate as the Head Boy though, in his suit and badge and blue and golden tie - Dan couldn't really complain.

Dan had his own go at being a real leader as well, to attempt to be half as charismatic like Tyler Oakley was, when he was suited out in his own badge and tie to brief the new students who just joined Stanley and bring a handful of timid lower sixths to go uniform shopping, a ritual that Dan had gone through himself. It was hardly cold enough to warrant a jumper under his suit jacket, but Dan wanted to be as visibly queer as he could get away with, so sue him, fashion over function - he was feeling himself in his baby pink sweater, apparently nonchalant but actually meticulously styled hair curls, and his favourite stars earrings. Phil hadn't overruled the dress code yet, but Dan couldn't care less about breaking rules today - he was a committed queer icon in school and in making Stanley seem like a safe space. If even one scared new boy was comforted by Dan's appearance, it was worth it. 

And it became more obvious throughout the day that there indeed was a queer boy in the group, even more brazen than Dan himself, who had been breaking the ice and entertaining the quiet and slightly painfully awkward cohort with an adorably loud personality. John, Dan thought his name was - Dan was an incredibly terrible Head of House for already forgetting the names of the new boys - had painted nails and a giddy shrill in his London accent to offset his jock appearance, obviously unafraid to be judged. John and Dan flirted back and forth, more and more outrageously as the day went on - it was harmless, a selfish part of Dan could never deny himself of attention, and the other boys were too shy to hold a meaningful conversation with Dan, either deeming him intimidating or too lame. Dan hoped it wasn't the latter, they all seemed friendly enough. By the time they returned to Stanley from a walk around town, Dan was beaming in harmless banter with the new sixth formers, arm in arm with John, who had latched onto his side once Dan didn't shake off the first physical contact that the younger boy so shamelessly initiated, and another boy, Nathan, on his other side, mirroring John as a joke. Dan was glad that he had already made two fast friends from the year below - he made sure to pester John about Gay Straight Alliance once Dan was safely convinced that John was definitely not straight. He got a wink in return. They didn't disengage their linked arms, even as they walked into the common room, where crowds of people were gathering, new boys all looking disorientated. Phil was in the middle of the room, mingling with boys new and returning, looking regal in his suit and Head Boy garb, before he caught sight of Dan arriving.

"Dan! I'm starving. Are you done yet? Let's go get supper soon," Phil said, trailing off as he realised that Dan wasn't alone - he took in the entourage of bashful new boys behind Dan, the black boy next to him who grinned meekly as he quickly retracted the arm that had been looping through Dan's - and the other one boy who wouldn't, infuriatingly latching onto Dan's other side, smiling smugly and flexing both biceps and dimples. Phil's glare was poorly hidden as jealousy brewed in the pit of his stomach - he was half tempted to snatch Dan away from  _gay Captain America_  over here, friendly Head Boy impressions be damned. Dan, oblivious and hardly catching onto what he had done to piss Phil off, nonetheless felt oddly guilty under the scrutiny and gently shook off John's grip. 

"These are our new lower sixths! Guys, meet Phil Lester, Head Boy," Dan recovered, after a tense moment too long, not trusting himself to introduce everyone by himself because he definitely would mix up one or two of the names wrong. The boys went around introducing themselves shyly, all slightly wide-eyed to be meeting the Head Boy - although it shouldn't be such a surprise that the Head of House and Head Boy were friends. Phil distractedly nodded a polite hello, although he never stopped judging John in particular, who was still standing far too close to Dan. Luckily enough, the new boys were soon left to their own devices and Dan, free from everyone's attention and back by Phil's side. Phil had a long day and felt horribly irritated and hungry - he debated a 6pm coffee as he walked to the dining hall, Dan in toll by a death grip on his sleeve. Dan assumed that he was just actually that hungry.

Their friends, now upper sixths and on the top of the social chain (being the oldest but also friends with not only one, but two prefects after all), naturally felt the need to gossip over all the new faces in the crowded dining hall. Dan cringed at the thought of someone in the crowd being PJ and Chris' next victim of humiliation, remembering the prank that left him roaming the house basically naked, and promptly threatened the two of them with his newfound power. Chris pouted at him, before returning to his social commentary with Duncan as they scanned yet another row of tables behind them - their group of friends were too addicted to drama for their own good. Jack and Dean were trying to make their own conversation with Dan, determined to catch up now that they no longer lived close to each other and see each other as much, although the topic still revolved around the newcomers after short small talk. After all, there was nothing much else exciting happening around here. Jack quickly spotted the tall and hunky blond boy sitting around some people from the year below, looking extremely out of place. He looked like the typical Churchill jock instead of someone who would end up in Stanley, and Dan agreed, having debated himself against revealing the little piece of juicy gossip about the fact that John was very probably not straight. Conveniently, Phil suddenly felt the need to chirp into the conversation, after a night of sulking to himself when the coffee machine ran out on him (it was incredibly nostalgic of this time last year, when Dan first met a gloomy Phil. He wondered if Phil was just prone to start of school depression every year.)

"Yeah, Dan could tell you  _all_  about Hercules over there, they were well chummy just now," Phil said, half bitterly and half conspiringly, not forgetting to add, "there was  _a lot_ of unprofessional flirting involved. Dan is clearly stepping into Tyler's shoes just fine." 

Dan squawked in annoyance as his friends erupted into hollers, sending Phil eye rolls and death glares. Dan had no idea why Phil had to be such a shit stirrer today, his claims were entirely untrue - nonetheless, his cheeks were heating up with all the assumptions that his friends were rudely making. 

"No offence Dan, I wouldn't have thought that  _he's_  your type," Dean squinted at John's direction to get a better look, finding the unnecessary muscles deeply offending. Dan scoffed, yelping and quick to defend himself. 

John really wasn't - Dan hadn't really seriously considered the scopes of his sexuality and male attractiveness yet, but he was quite certain that bodybuilding overkills weren't really his thing, as lovely as John was. John's face wasn't even that handsome - they just had a moment because Dan was attention starved. His friends really had to stop jumping on a bandwagon every time two queer individuals were in proximity with each other. Phil out of everyone especially really didn't have to do that. Dan groaned in frustration as they continued to tease him - being Head of House hadn't granted him any more respect at all. 

"Come to think of it, I don't really know what's your type, Dan," Chris mused mischievously. "Personally I'm not really into blond boys," he added, casually talking about boys for the first time in front of their friends, but they either didn't take notice or didn't really care. Chris had been slowly opening up ever since going to Gay Straight Alliance last term, and everyone had quietly accepted whatever he chose to share with the group or not. Dan did notice though, shooting a look at Chris amidst of all this teasing surrounding him, and wondered was it Chris' twisted way of shifting the attention away from Dan. Anyway, it backfired. Dan just wanted to eat his Shepard's Pie in peace, goddamn it.

PJ was incessantly confused by this conversation at hand, attentively waiting for what Dan had to say for himself, whilst glancing at Phil across him every now and then. He genuinely believed that Dan and Phil were together, even if Dan wouldn't admit it, but it seemed that that wasn't the case. PJ was actually shocked to learn that he had been mistaken - he wouldn't call Phil his best friend anymore per se, but he would still confidently say that he knew him pretty well, better than most people. The way that Dan and Phil were, they had to be an item, especially in comparison to whatever short lived was between Phil and Charlie before. PJ was dying to know - he could just confront Phil about it, but was too scared to try treading on talking about Charlie and Phil's subsequent depressive episode that went unacknowledged for so long. He was just glad that Phil hopefully talked it out with Dan, who pulled him out of his funk - whatever was between the two of them seemed like something that they had to work out by themselves. 

At the turn of the conversation, Phil was suddenly intrigued again, at the mention of what Dan might find attractive in a boy. Phil hated himself, he was masochistic for letting all hell loose and the speculation around Dan spiral, all out of pettiness, and then letting himself be curious; but now he was genuinely concerned about what Dan would reply. Phil wasn't sure what he was expecting - that Dan's type would be someone exactly like Phil all along, and not someone who was prettier, fitter, and probably braver than Phil the coward, who was drawling out the possibility of them forever until it would inevitably dwindle out. It would kill him, but Phil needed to know. That there was even the slimmest chance that Dan ever saw him in that light. Phil desperately needed some hope.

"Uh... I," Dan interrupted himself, his cheeks burning crimson red all the way to the tip of his ears as he caught the direction of his train of thought. Whenever he tried to think of boys that he was attracted to, ultimately his thoughts ended up on Phil Lester, and Phil only. Obviously he couldn't describe Phil as his type, that would be incriminatingly telling and deeply embarrassing and definitely not banter over their first dinner of the year. Dan wanted to make it out of sixth form in one piece. He would die before he tried to reveal what his "type" was, if that even was a thing. He was too obsessed with Phil to know otherwise - sure, there had been many other boys that Dan had found attractive, which was basically every other person in Chicheston, but it was just superficial level of aesthetic acknowledgement. Phil Lester was different. 

Phil wasn't just good looking. He was beautiful, inside and out; mind, body and soul. The most beautiful thing that Dan had ever laid eyes on.

Yep, Dan was definitely not going to let anything slip tonight, or ever. He blushed at his frankly, rather shamelessly dramatic thoughts, and deemed the conversation over with a loud huff. His chair scrapped across the floor as he abruptly stood up and left, leaving his friends groaning in dissatisfaction and curiosity. Even Phil himself couldn't help but sink in his chair defeatedly, although a tiny part of him was glad that he didn't have to endure the crushing realisation that him and Dan were definitely not meant to be. 

"Oh boy, that was emotionally draining," Dan proclaimed as he stretched, glancing back at Phil who just walked into their room, minutes after Dan did, propping himself up on his desk and reaching down to swing the mini-fridge's door open. Thank god Dan stocked up on canned Starbucks - Phil was going to die without his coffee. Dan was sorting out his books and his new timetable on his desk with his back towards Phil, nonchalant as he hoped that Phil wouldn't press on the question that Dan had left unanswered.

"You probably shouldn't have mentioned John though. I love them lot, but they have enough juice to run on as it is LOL, I don't need more embarrassing discussions about my gayness," Dan chuckled awkwardly, trying to rein in the casualness and not sound as annoyed as he really was at Phil. Phil probably didn't mean it. What Dan didn't expect was for Phil to lash out instead, despite Dan being more forgiving than usual.

"Am I wrong though? He was basically glued to your side and ogling you the entire time! Like I wasn't even there!" Phil raised his voice, fuming, before he could hide his traitorous jealousy. 

He couldn't stand the sight of someone else holding Dan like that, looking at him like that, as if Dan was still up for grabs (he was). Ultimately it wasn't someone else physically touching Dan that ticked Phil off, he wasn't that psycho possessive - but rather, every reminder that Dan could end up being involved with someone else and cutting short whatever little romance had been sparkling between them, so that Phil could no longer get away with holding his hand and cuddling him in his sleep or ever get to kiss him again; it was like a stab to his guts. Phil actually felt sick at the prospect.

"So what? So what if he really had been chirpsing me? What is your problem?" Dan turned fully in his chair to glare at Phil, slowly getting angrier in return as well. Phil seemed to be at a loss of words, which Dan wordlessly replied with an exasperated, dramatic gasp expression. This was ridiculous, Phil had no right to police Dan's life all the fucking time, it was hardly fair.

"If you were going to say some shit about how I shouldn't date someone in the house and,  _look where it got Tyler Oakley_ , I swear to God! I don't fucking care! I'm gonna live my gay life as I goddamn please, and if you're not letting me, what's the difference between you and bloody Colton then?" Dan barked.

"Or is it just me? Do you have a problem with  _me_  chirpsing someone else? We're just roommates, Phil, not  _married_ \- what I do really is none of your business. If I share my life with you, it's generosity, not a given. Stop being so fucking entitled," Dan choked as he drew the line clear between them, saying that they were  _just roommates_ ; he was heaving when he was done with his rant. His own words killed him - he hoped it hurt Phil as much too.

This wasn't the first time that he had to put up with Phil's stupid power dynamic complex, intentional or not - Dan was tired of Phil constantly calling the shots in their relationship, outrageously flirting with him in public before the summer, and somehow thinking he had the right to restrict Dan doing so with someone else now. Phil's hypocrisy was exhausting, and the long term grudge Dan had of Phil often acting like they were in a relationship without committing to it even more frustrating to Dan. They _weren't_  together, Dan painfully accepted and acknowledged - so Phil definitely didn't have a right to judge Dan's romantic advances, or be jealous of them, even; Phil wasn't his and so Phil really needed to stop acting like Dan belonged to him. Dan needed to call him out - better to be honest than let this strain their friendship. Dan's crush on Phil or not, Phil had been terrible to him in this aspect. Dan wanted out, some room to breathe - not being forever stuck in this suffocating hold where Phil was always about to kiss him but never going all the way, but never stepping away either.

"And by the way, Head Boy, get on with your job, will ya? They won't let me wear the earrings you got me," Dan spat out bitterly, when Phil remained frozen at his rant. At this, Phil lowered his head in shame, softly muttering an apology.

Dan was right - as painful as the thought was, he wasn't Phil's to be possessive and jealous over. Phil had gotten carried away and overstepped their boundaries again - he had been doing that so many times as of late, all to indulge his suppressed feelings for Dan that he wouldn't own up to, taking advantage without having to put himself on the line too. No wonder Dan felt hurt and confused - Phil hadn't been fair to him. Dan had all the right to be interested in people other than Phil (if he were even interested in Phil, that is) if Phil didn't put in an effort to pin him down. 

Phil was at a crossroad dilemma right now: either control his impulses and never let his heart rule him again, so that Dan could be left alone without Phil stepping out of line; or just man up and tell Dan how he felt. That he wanted Dan to be his and his only to hold, to flirt at, to publicly called his. But it was a leap of faith - and Phil rarely knew how to be brave if he didn't have Dan by his side every step of the way. This was one of the only things that he had to face alone, without Dan's support, and Phil seriously doubted his ability to do anything in life without Dan.

"You're right, I crossed a line. I'm so sorry Dan, won't happen again," Phil said, as sincerely as he could, expression inexplicably crumpling as his eyes welled up. 

Dan's face went from angry frowning, to surprise, to concern, before it went blurry in Phil's vision. Phil walked away into the room, sitting down on the corner of Dan's bed before he could even reach his own, overwhelmed and suddenly breaking into tears. Dan, startled and his grudge against Phil promptly forgotten, rushed out of his chair to follow Phil. All his time of knowing Phil, he had never seen him tear up before - terrified of having seriously upset Phil aside, it was heartbreaking to watch. Dan wanted to be free of his own frustrating pain of an unrequited crush - but never at the cost of Phil's pain. Dan approached Phil from the back slowly, tentatively placing a hand on Phil's shoulder when Phil showed no signs of responding to Dan's pleas. Phil's shoulders were heaving in time with his little sobs - Dan desperately wanted to see him from the front, to kneel in front of where Phil was curling in on himself and apologise for everything he might have done wrong and telling Phil that everything would be alright. But Dan was too scared to, the thought of seeing tears running down Phil's usually bright blue eyes knocking the wind out of Dan, in the worst way possible; and Phil seemed adamant to protect what little dignity he could preserve, so Dan dutifully stayed behind his sitting form, carefully hovering over Phil and hoping the sniffles would die down soon.

Phil had no idea what got him so upset all of a sudden. He was devastated at the realisation that Dan wasn't really his and he couldn't forever pretend that that was the case. He was guilty that he kept hurting Dan because he was selfish, even though it was the last thing he'd want to do. He was angry that the one time that he did find the courage to explicitly cross the line that was already blurry, that moment was so cruelly taken away from him. He was even more mad at himself for still being a coward, causing them to be stuck in this limbo, where Dan and Phil could be happy, but only for a short while, before Phil let it get into his head and screw it over again. All Phil knew was that he was hurting, both himself and Dan, and he really couldn't go on like this.

Dan's hand was on his shaky shoulder, warm as always, and Phil gladly leaned into the touch. Slowly, when Phil started calming down and showed no signs of resistance, Dan carefully climbed onto the bed and scooted closer to Phil, until his arms were wrapping around his shoulders from behind and his folded legs gently framing Phil's hips. Dan's chest was enveloping his back, warm and steady - Phil choked back another sob that attacked him out of nowhere.

Phil was hit with the realisation that he liked Dan so much that there really wasn't turning back. Dan was so lovely - Phil had no idea if he was deserving of Dan, but he would die trying to be. It was terrifying. Phil doesn't remember ever caring about someone so much. His heart was twisting and shaking and doing the flippy over thing - it hurt in the best and worst way possible. Phil wanted it to stop. He never wanted Dan to stop making his heart stop either. 

Phil  _had_ to take that leap of faith, risk of rejection be damned. 

But obviously, on another day, when he wasn't a mess. Today was emotionally draining as it was. When Phil finally caught his breath, he sheepishly turned around to look at Dan, still trapped in his arms. Phil let himself be pulled into a tentative hug, just inhaling the warmth and goodness of Dan Howell once more without feeling the crushing guilt. When they pull apart, Phil chuckled meekly, attempting to be as normal as he could be.

"Sorry bout that. I'm not quite sure what got over me. I'm not trying to guilt trip you, I swear. I really am sorry, Dan," he tried the apology again, when his emotions weren't trying to suffocate him in a death grip anymore. Dan's smiled in relief, rubbing Phil's arms in a soothing motion. He couldn't care less about anything else, as long as Phil wasn't falling apart anymore, he was happy.

"It's alright. It's probably the Head Boy stress, yeah? I'm sorry I yelled at you as well, wasn't worth it," Dan said gently, and Phil nodded in agreement quickly to the excuse, swallowing down the desperation and want as he moved into another hug, fingers clutching at the front of Dan's shirt. Phil felt a bit silly to still be in his uniform now - Dan had since changed into his pyjamas. They stayed like that for a while, content and tangled on top of the covers in Dan's bed, Phil's head buried in the nook of Dan's neck and Dan's fingers lightly massaging his head, their legs bracketing each other. Phil never wanted to move, almost wanted to outrageously suggest they cuddle to sleep again, even - but he eventually found his determination and left the embrace, under the pretence of having to wash the tears off (which was only a half lie - Phil looked wrecked in the mirror). 

As tempting as it might be, Phil was resolute - no more Dan from now on. Not until he earned it square and fair. 

Phil was ready to leap.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for angst??  
> sorry for sporadic update!! i am a mess right now - both academically and mentally - so this really is therapy more than anything  
> expect regular updates after june, and hopefully some before then  
> thanks for being patient x


	33. reach out and touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil won't stop doing nice things for Dan. It's driving Dan mad.

Dan had decided that Phil had been acting very weird lately. He couldn't quite decide was it good or bad yet, but his roommate was definitely acting very differently as of late.

Despite being roommates, Dan and Phil didn't actually see each other often anymore (as often as either of them would like, anyway). They had been told that the first term of upper sixth would be the busiest time of their lives, but they still somehow underestimated it. Juggling prefect duties aside, there was the looming UCAS university application deadline (Dan was still being pressured into applying to Oxbridge, which was obviously a bad idea seeing that he didn't even have any clue about what actual subject to go for), and also the actual courseworks that they had to do to get the grades to get into uni in the first place. 

Phil was almost never in the house, busy wrapping up his Art coursework that he had been working on since last year, whilst Dan was starting to seriously regret his decision to flex and do three essay subjects, debating dropping out of Geography every other lesson. He would be more stressed, if he had the time to actually sit down and have a nice mental breakdown. But alas, he still had to go to classes for five subjects, be a functional Head of House - which entails going to weekly meetings and already starting to plan for bloody house events and having chores to do in the house,  _and_  keeping Gay Straight Alliance afloat,  _and_  actually decide on where and what he was going to apply for university. Whenever Dan had actual free time, which was basically never, he just went straight to bed, always exhausted. He could only dream that him and Phil could take some time out to play on the Xbox again.

But anyhow, the hectic rhythm didn't stop Dan from noticing how different Phil had been ever since they came back from the summer. Some had been pleasant surprises to Dan, his teether to reality when the stress almost drove him over the edge; but other times Phil just did something impulsively outrageous and very decidedly not Phil, but Dan never had enough time alone with Phil to bring it up and question him, which drove Dan insane. It could be Phil stepping up to the game ever since being Head Boy, but Dan just wished he knew what Phil was thinking. Phil seemed to be hiding something from Dan, but not in the usual brooding way - he was definitely plotting something, unless Dan was overthinking it. (Dan always overthinks.)

It started at the first Gay Straight Alliance meeting, the day after the clubs and societies fair in which Dan recruited a fair amount of new members - including John, obviously, although he had been wary after his fight with Phil. Dan still stood his point, but John wasn't worth any more conflicts between Dan and Phil - Dan wasn't actually interested, after all. So there they were, sat in a circle again as always, the numbers sustained by the newcomers who replaced the outgoing upper sixths (most of them were intrigued by how liberal Chicheston was), John eagerly pulling up a chair next to Dan whilst Phil sat on the other side of him. Dan tried not to make a fuss out of the obvious tension on either side of him, proceeding to introduce himself like he did when the group started - name and year group (and his prefect title) and pronouns and sexuality and all that. He let Phil go next, figuring he would spare the new boys for now, not thinking much about it. What came out (ha!) of Phil's mouth next pretty much shocked the entire school (a bit of an exaggeration, the GSA had a confidentiality policy, after all), as well as Dan himself.

"Hello, I'm Phil, upper sixth from Stanley. I'm sure most of you know me as Head Boy, and less of you know me from my embarrassing Youtube channel AmazingPhil - heh, please subscribe. My pronouns are he/him, and I identify as bisexual," Phil said nonchalantly in his camera voice, poised as always and not missing a beat, whilst Dan gulped when Phil unexpectedly dropped the bomb. 

It wasn't like Dan didn't know that Phil was bi - he just never expected Phil to actually come out, having been accustomed to Phil's streak of noncommittal worries and fears. Most people didn't outwardly react to the statement, the introductions going forward around the circle - but across Dan, Connor Franta was shooting him daggers, eyebrows high into his forehead, whatever that cheeky bastard was trying to insinuate. Dan didn't know how to respond either, shrugging back at Connor: he had no idea what caused Phil's sudden change of heart, it wasn't like Phil ever said anything about this. 

Connor was probably under the impression that Phil was trying to declare something - declaration of war, perhaps, it clicked in Dan's mind as Phil scooted closer to him, chair unapologetically screeching across the floor loudly, smiling smugly ahead after a quick side eye at John on the other side of Dan (who wasn't even sitting that close to Dan in the first place). Dan blushed and froze in his spot as Ben J Pierce, sitting right next to Connor, caught on and had the audacity to wink at him too, totally uncaring of whether Phil saw this silent exchange. Dan rolled his eyes, both at the boys across him and Phil's dramatics - when he passive aggressively expressed that Phil didn't have the right to be possessive over him, this was definitely not the direction that he had envisioned their dynamic to go. More concerned about Phil's reputation as the Head Boy rather than whatever the fuck Phil was playing at with Dan, Dan couldn't help but internally groan at how Phil basically just willingly fed into everyone's obsessive speculation on their relationship by actually outing himself. This was not like Phil at all. The Phil Lester Dan knew was not a risk taker and definitely wasn't expected to own up his bisexuality (which Dan was completely fine with, have never been bitter about it at all). Phil must be going mad. 

Dan never got to actually interrogate Phil's newfound insanity - after the session, when the strange new boys finally dissipated, anyone and everyone who was Phil's friend immediately flocked to him, to attack him with congratulations and in Chris' case, rude questions. Connor and Ben both pulled Phil into a seemingly harmless hug, which Phil leaned down into with a crack of laughter, whilst the boys wiggled their eyebrows vigorously at Dan behind Phil's back. Dan was almost tempted to tell them to shut up. And so very unfortunately, this was one of the rare occurrences that PJ turned up as well, their staple straight friend who was dragged here by Chris - PJ definitely had more elaborate theories than Connor and Ben running in his head right now, Dan sighed to himself as he curiously held eye contact with Dan. 

PJ was glad that Phil finally publicly came out, having already known, patting him on the back and holding fierce eye contact, hoping that it would be enough of a cue for Phil to finally open up to him again and tell him what was happening soon. PJ was dying to know was his two friends actually together, and just catching up with Phil in general. Over the years, it was almost like he could feel Phil closing into himself more and more - PJ just wanted Phil to know that he could always talk to PJ.

The commotion would never end - in the end, Dan left before Phil did, having given up on waiting for his friends. It had been an emotional roller coaster - pure shock aside, the dissociative part of Dan couldn't stop dwelling on the fact that if PJ and Chris were both present, it basically meant their entire friendship group would know. And they already had been teasing about Dan and Phil's special friendship pretty much since day one - Dan was since beyond caring, but he had no idea why would Phil inflict that upon himself now. If he thought about it anymore his brain would start hurting. Phil was being so weird.

Phil apparently was the master of confrontation and recklessness now, Dan mused to himself, as Marcus Butler, Joe Sugg, Eugene Lee Yang, Sam Tsui and him were sat in one of the study rooms in the library in a meeting with Phil. It was a weekly ritual - the Head of Houses report on whatever problems might have arose during the course of the week, and Phil would run over their agendas of things to do. Phil had just repealed the ban on ethnic minority and cultural societies, right in time for the clubs and societies fair, which was a pretty big deal - so the team wasn't really expecting any other big tasks so soon, assuming Phil would want a break from negotiating with the senior teachers. Phil only went and dropped another bombshell on them.

"So, I've been writing up the new dress codes this week, mostly focusing on sixth form dress codes - Mr. Khan wasn't very happy about it, but we've found a compromise and hopefully, these will be official from coming Monday onwards. I'll have a little read of the main points and see if you guys have any comments for tweaks?" Phil smiled meekly at the group around him, professional and calm as a leader. Dan had no idea how did he do that so effortlessly.

"So, we're back to freedom of jumper colours for sixth formers, we all know that. Hair is now _natural hair colour during term time_ , tied up and out of face if longer than shoulder length," Phil recited. The hair length rule was new, and obviously the dyed hair rule became more relaxed than before. Dan personally didn't know anyone with long hair, but he was sure that more than a few in Gay Straight Alliance would be happy to hear that. Not that having long hair was necessarily a queer thing, but it'd cause less dress code conflicts. Phil wasn't finished.

"And uh, piercings. It used to be  _no visible piercings except for one stud earring per ear_  - I've pushed it to  _no visible piercings except for earrings that do not extend past the earlobe,_ so like, no hoops and dangly earrings - There, are you happy now," "Phil couldn't help but bicker at Dan, who snorted in amusement at that, after being nudged by Eugene at his side. Dan wore the stars earrings that Phil got him almost every day - and had gotten into trouble for them as often. He was such a drama queen sometimes that even Eugene had already heard of this fiasco. A confused Marcus and Joe turned to chuckle at them - Dan felt a little self conscious. When he had his passive aggressive spat with Phil, he didn't expect Phil to take it that seriously. Obviously, Phil didn't go to change school rules just for Dan - but it certainly felt that way. Honestly, Dan was a little touched, if not extremely overwhelmed by the attention. He couldn't imagine Phil bothering to argue with Mr. Khan, or God Forbid, Mr. Colton, over freaking dangly earrings - the mental image was both harrowing and hilarious.

"And then," Phil sighed here, "Makeup. We have had a few issues last year, but I've managed to argue for something to be written into the dress code. Fifth formers and sixth formers  _can_  wear makeup now - but only  _'discreet makeup with a natural look'_ , whatever the fuck that means. If there's a dispute the discipline heads will assess it on a case by case basis, which is not ideal, but it's a start, I guess," Dan just blinked at the information, shocked that Phil would actually tackle the touchy gender politics head on so soon, whilst Marcus and Joe, the token straights in the room, stayed quiet and looked slightly too uncomfortable to comment. Not that wearing makeup was exclusive to queer boys - but so far, only gay boys had gotten into trouble for it, it was implicit. 

This was clearly a  _gay agenda_  move - not that anyone on the prefect board would object, Marcus and Joe were both acceptably decent people, but they were still surprised that it came from the Head Boy himself, and not the usually loud queer representative Dan. Dan himself didn't expect it either, having fully accepted the burden of bring these issues up by himself - Phil seemed determined to work on what they jokingly referred to as the  _gay agenda_  now, probably ever since that spontaneous stunt he pulled in GSA. As if coming out to twenty odd boys weren't enough, Phil subsequently posted a throwback photo of him and Dan in pride on Instagram as well, the two of them beaming and standing in front of a wall painted with the colours of the bisexual flag. Phil basically came out to the entire world. Everyone went wild at that - it was one of Phil's most liked photos. Dan's friends bombarded him with questions of the implications, to which even he didn't know the answers to. Louise had a meltdown over text upon seeing the photo, there was so much that she needed to catch up on - Dan didn't even know where to begin. At this rate, Dan wasn't even the most chaotic out of the two of them anymore - the newly out bisexual Phil Lester was on a rampage and Dan could barely catch his breath, torn between the tension between the two of them but also just, constant internal screaming of  _"Phil Lester, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!"_

Meanwhile Phil, Eugene and Sam in the corner had already delved into a serious discussion on makeup dress codes. Eugene famously went to Turing's start of year dinner in a dramatic smokey eye, just to protest and spite the teachers in his house, and although Sam himself wasn't one to flaunt, he had enough thespian friends in his own house who would love to. Dan was just in awe of the fact that Phil was the one who was spearheading this conversation - he would never expected Phil to grow into the next queer icon of Chicheston, as Head Boy as well. Now Dan was tempted to start wearing makeup to school, just because he could.

Dan was starting to suspect that maybe Phil was trying to be nice to him in particular (not that he wasn't before, but like, going out of his way to be nice to Dan. Which was a bit flustering, if Dan were to be honest). He had been pretty stressed lately - he just submitted his Geography and History coursework, and started drafting for his English one. The script for his drama piece was going underway at the same time. Dan ultimately decided to mostly apply for Law, only because he had been coerced to apply to Oxford (because, not to brag, he had the best grades out of everyone in their year and it was kind of expected from the teachers), and he had to write a personal statement before they miss the deadline. He didn't know anything else better to do with his future anyway, being brainwashed into Law by his infuriatingly annoying mother (who still sent him weekly links to league tables and articles telling him why Law was an employable degree) - and once he started writing an application for Law, it wasn't like he could throw in one rogue application to theatre school anyway. Acting was a distant dream that Dan was probably going to put on hold forever. So he hadn't been in the greatest of moods, being quietly diligent at his desk most of the time and exuding negative energy in their room. Phil probably had noticed.

They were at lunch in the Stanley dining hall, Dan thankfully not skipping lunch this time round, all thanks to Phil making sixth formers' double periods before lunch finish earlier so Dan actually had time to go back for food (well, not just for Dan, obviously, but Dan had been one of people who got to enjoy this perk the most. There went another favour that Phil did for Dan.) Phil was actually an angel. Dan was actually in a rather fine mood today, getting into hall in time, sitting in between Duncan and PJ and minding his own lunch, when Phil approached from behind.

"Here you are," Phil announced, an arm reaching between Dan and Duncan as he placed a plate in front of Dan, his chest brushing against Dan's head in the process. The plate was piled with a mountain of fluffy, crumbly scones - a Stanley special with berries baked into it. It was Dan's favourite food ever - the catering kitchen hadn't done it ever since graduation last year, it was a specialty saved for occasions only. Dan tried to recreate it over the summer, following a Mary Berry recipe, but he failed spectacularly. Whatever else scones he tasted then, they just weren't the same. The head chef would never budge when Dan asked for more scones on the regular menu, and Dan was Head of House, so obviously it was never going to happen if even he got shut down too. He didn't even bother checking the pudding counter anymore. He wondered how Phil did it. Dan was breaking into a wide grin as he began attacking one with a generous latter of cream - this was the best day ever. The gesture made Dan warm and tingly inside - he couldn't believe that it was Phil's doing, especially for him, although it had to be.

"Oh my god, my babies, how? I kept asking and they wouldn't make them!" Dan exclaimed, as he scooped all the scones onto his tray before his friends could try stealing one from his serving. Phil shot him a winning smirk, still standing behind Dan with a hand on Dan's shoulder. Dan almost swooned. He doesn't remember how to be upset anymore.

"Was it you, Phil? Oh my god thank you so much!  I didn't know Stanley catering is now your responsibility as well, I might as well retire," Dan didn't forget to bicker and laugh, just to soften the gravity of Phil's gesture, as he shoved another heavenly scone into his mouth. It was so good. Everyone was raging then, getting up of their seats to help themselves to the rare scones, or questioning Phil how did he manage to convince their stubborn head chef to change a menu - it was harder than going to the moon. And to think that Phil did that for Dan. Phil only smiled mysteriously, all whilst smiling warmly at Dan. There was no mistaking, this was a favour to Dan, probably just to cheer him up. Dan might start crying over baked goods very soon, he thought to himself after tearing himself away from Phil's intense gaze.

"Wow Phil, you're really going out of your way lately. Are you trying to seduce Dan? It'd totally work on me," Chris teased unashamedly, as he munched on a scone noisily. Dan flushed, staring very hard into his plate, feeling eyes on him and Phil. In contrast to his tense form, Phil seemed completely relaxed, his hand still soft and steady on his shoulder blade.

"Maybe," Phil winked, before chuckling and walking away, patting Dan's shoulder as a quick goodbye. 

The entire table erupted into teasing and disbelieving screeches. Chris wasn't expecting this answer at all, spluttering and choking on crumbs. PJ's eyes were wide as saucers, shocked as his eyes followed Phil out. Now that Phil was openly bisexual like Dan was, everything had to be interpreted in a new light. But Phil had always joked and teased, so there was no telling was he serious or not. Dan himself was generally dying, not really knowing how to react to Phil just blatantly flirting with him. The Phil Lester he knew did not wink. And he certainly never said anything outrageous like that out loud. Even after a year of familiarity, Phil was still constantly surprising Dan. Dan didn't even know how to start to unpack what just happened. He just sat there, frozen in shock, ignoring his friends' burning questions and quietly eating his scones. For the first time in Dan's life, Phil was unmistakably flirting with him. If the fifteen year old AmazingPhil fanatic could see him now - he would probably pass out. The Dan in the present was tempted to pass out himself. He would try and confront Phil about it, but he knew he definitely would chicken out - damn Phil and how smooth he was. Phil Lester was trying to kill him with scones, Dan was sure of it.

Phil grabbed PJ's sleeve on the way to the laundry room, when PJ was just walking out of it. He had a favour to ask, and PJ, more than happy to have an opportunity to finally grill Phil in an one on one conversation, willingly followed him back into the laundry room, so Phil wasn't awkwardly balancing his laundry basket anymore. PJ knew that there was no one else in there - it was the perfect location to interrogate Phil about boyfriends, both old and anew, once Phil got his question for PJ out of the way.

"So, I've heard that you're appointed deputy Head of House," Phil started, politely leaving his laundry on hold and facing PJ. PJ nodded. "I was just wondering would you mind if you took over a bit of the house song competition? Dan's pretty stressed lately and I think he has an interview two days before house song."

"Uh, sure, I don't mind - but shouldn't Dan be the one asking for himself? Since when am I so scary to him," PJ laughed, slightly confused by the request. Phil looked sheepish as he shifted on his toes.

"Dan doesn't know that I'm asking. You know how he gets, he hates asking for help - I just thought he might appreciate it," Phil was pulling a rare expression - eyes fleeting, and lips taut in an uncomfortable smile. PJ dared to say that he was unsure of himself. Phil Lester could be reserved, but he was never unsure - PJ thought he might know where this was coming from. He didn't even have to bring up Dan, it was already a great conversation segue way - so PJ went for it. 

"Is this another one of your schemes to chirpse Dan?" PJ asked lightly with a wink, so he could always take it back as a joke, but Phil's splutter already gave him the answer he was searching for. Interesting.

"Philip Michael Lester! Are you guys dating? How long has this been going on? Spill," PJ pestered on enthusiastically, unable to stop a wide grin from appearing. He couldn't believe that he was right (actually, he totally could). Once Dan and Phil were more public as a couple Chris would owe him five quid, for betting on Dan dating Ben J. Pierce instead. Phil chuckled awkwardly, trying to keep PJ's voice down. It was only the two of them and Chris and Dan living on West Wing, but Phil still rather if no one overheard their conversation.

"No we're not...  _yet_ ," Phil couldn't help but poke his tongue out bashfully at PJ, who gushed and overreacted. PJ was one of his closest friends for a long time after all - Phil was glad that he was finally actually sharing this with someone, after keeping to himself for such a long time. PJ was practically squealing, obviously more than supportive.

"What the actual hell? You haven't asked him out yet? Jesus Christ," PJ was slightly frustrated at the news. Dan and Phil were a bunch of idiots - the two of them had basically been flirting with each other since day one, anyone could see it, especially now in light of new revelations and coming outs. He couldn't believe that they had been dragging this out for so long. Infuriating, the two of them were.

"I swear I'm going to! Okay?" Phil reasoned in exasperation, sighing at PJ's antics. PJ, having recovered, was crossing his arms at Phil now, unimpressed.

"Yeah? When? Why not now? For fuck sake Phil, Dan likes you so much. He's basically an idiot for you, we've all known since the first day he joined. What are you waiting for?" Phil was spluttering again, excuses finding their way easily, even though he had promised himself no more excuses. He had a plan, he really did, and he had been silently trying to show how he felt for a while now. All whilst trying his best to stop stealing touches and confusing the heck out of Dan - which took a lot of restraint from Phil. Phil liked to think that he was already putting in a significant amount of effort.

"I... I will when the time is right! It's just, he's so stressed now, and we're both so busy anyways, and then soon enough it'll be half term and he's going up to Liverpool and see Louise. Better to do it afterwards and jump right into it so he doesn't have room to overthink, right?" Phil argued weakly, the excuse sounding lame even in his head. PJ breathed out a deep sigh, rolling his eyes at Phil.

"Yeah, after he goes to visit his  _ex-girlfriend_. Great plan, Phil. Your boy is going to get stolen from you. Because you wouldn't grow a pair, pfft."

"Well! I trust Dan, he wouldn't get with Louise then..."

"Listen to yourself, Phil! Dan isn't exclusive to you, not until you fucking ask him out already! You can't just rely on him to not leave you. If you don't do it, you're gonna miss your opportunity. Just do it mate," PJ's tone was softer now, attempting a pep talk and reaching up to grab Phil by the shoulders. 

"I know! I'm trying," Phil puffed out frustratingly, ducking and escaping PJ's hold as he started to passive aggressively throw his laundry into the washing machine, taking it out on his clothes. PJ watched him in pity, giving his friend a pat on the back of his head, to which Phil shook out his messy hair at. Phil was such a mess, but PJ would never stop helping him anyway. 

"You don't talk to me as much anymore, I kind of miss it," PJ sighed, a rueful smile on his face. Phil soften at that, reaching back to pat PJ on the knee mindlessly.

"I'm glad you came out, buddy. And that you are  _gaaaay_ for Dan - even though you two are literally disastrous - at least now I know that I am still your best friend, not him!" PJ cackled, as Phil slapped him with a flick of a towel, muttering a  _"you're_ gay _"_  as a retort, a reclaimed mockery to using gay as an insult. It was an inside joke from Gay Straight Alliance that his entire friendship had picked up on, god save Phil. PJ finally headed for the door to leave.

"Anyway, nice chat. I'll talk to Dan about House Song. Good luck on your  _courtship_!" Phil pulled an expression at PJ, and with that, PJ left it to rest. He could only hope that it does go well when the time finally came. Jesus, he'd be dead by then. Dan and Phil were impossible.

Dan couldn't appreciate PJ's help any more, and the House Song competition had thankfully gone smoothly with their Queen medley that got them a close third place, luckily because the new lower sixth Nathan was an incredible drummer to add to their existing band, and Churchill had really been going down hill. Like last year, Norbury and Turing came before them with their a cappella and dancing talents, so there was no real surprises. PJ could never shut up about how Dan was so lucky to have his assistance though (which was true, but still slightly annoying), especially making a massive point out of how it was a favour to Phil. Dan was surprised to hear that, extremely flattered, obviously, but tried his hardest to keep a straight (ha!) face and deny the rumours about him and Phil. Weirdly, PJ didn't press it, but only sighed, almost like he was disappointed. Dan could relate.

Fast enough it was finally time for them to break for half term. By this point, Dan had already sent out his uni applications, submitted half of his courseworks, and already gotten rejected by Oxford. If he were honest to himself, it was a relief, as ungrateful as it sounded - Dan dreaded the prospect of going to another interview and pretending that he loved Law. He was an actor, but there was only so much that it could reach. There was finally time to breathe, to rest, (and maybe to catch up with Phil literally two seconds before Dan left for Liverpool - Dan was dying to know what was Phil playing at lately). 

"You excited for Liverpool?" Phil asked in feigned casualness, peeking at Dan over his laptop, where Phil was perched on his bed uploading a video. Dan was maniacally throwing clothes from his wardrobe into a duffel bag, leaving packing to last minute as usual. He hummed, not turning to look at Phil.

"Yeah, I haven't seen Louise in ages. I miss her so much."

"So you're ... okay with staying with your ex-girlfriend in the same room for two entire weeks?" Phil asked, unsure. Dan paused at that, almost forgetting his lie of a relationship from a year ago. He wouldn't even have remembered if Phil hadn't brought it up. 

Dan wondered what was Phil trying to mean by that. Phil hadn't acted weirdly possessive ever since they had that little row at the start of the year - sure, he had been super weird in other ways - but otherwise, he was good at keeping himself at bay. Dan thought that it was over and Phil had gotten over it. Dan contemplated whether to call Phil out on it, if Phil had just slipped up and was just generally concerned for Dan or was it some hidden control complex again. Dan squared his jaw and let a lazily smirk settle on his cheeks.

"Yeah? What, you're worried that we'll get back together? Even if we do, it's none of your business, ya know," Dan reprimanded lightly, eyes steady on Phil in a challenging glare even though his tone was less serious than usual. Dan was just curious, he wasn't going to pick a fight.

Phil seemed taken aback at first, blinking into blank space, but quickly recovered as he sat up straighter as well, a cheeky glint in his blue eyes as he arched an eyebrow at Dan. This was a battle Phil picked - he really couldn't risk Dan to get claimed by Louise before he had a shot, Phil's cowardice or not. _The game is on_ , Phil thought, telepathically conveying it through eye contact. God, he was so handsome, Dan almost heard his own breath catch in his throat. Dan just about held back his eye roll - Phil couldn't be more wrong in assuming Dan would be interested in anyone else any time soon. 

"I know it's none of my business ~" Phil sprawled, in a singsong voice, slamming his laptop shut to look at Dan properly, "but I'm just saying that, it'd be a shame if you do."

Phil was smiling innocently and turning his head away in nonchalance, but he was actually sweating internally, heart hammering in his chest. This was it, if Dan didn't let him back out of it, there's not walking out his blatant flirting just now. Desperation makes you do reckless things - Phil had been on a reckless rampage lately, he was kind of impressed with himself. It seemed that one could say that Dan was impressed too, momentarily lost for words as he zipped his bag shut.

"And  _why_  would it be a shame?" Dan stood up to tower over Phil sitting crossed legged on the bed, just to challenge him further. Dan wasn't going to let Phil get away with it.

Dan was biting his lip, in nervousness, or determination, maybe - nonetheless it was so distracting to Phil. He could still talk his way out of this, if he wanted to - Phil couldn't decide. The air was so tense, Phil couldn't really breathe. Dan's staring at him intensely, almost daring him to chicken out. Phil wanted to look away but it felt a bit rude to do so, so he just helplessly held eye contact, trying to look as unfazed as he could. Phil was too cowardly to take the initiative - part of him just fantasised Dan to push him down into the mattress in this moment and snog the life out of him, so Phil wouldn't have to talk. It was only fair -  _he_  kissed Dan last time. The train of thought made Phil blush. He was tempted, but an erratic move like that was hardly appropriate.  _Use your words_ , Phil. He wasn't even sure what he was supposed to say.

Dan's phone rang, shocking them both. Dan pulled it out of his jean pocket, staring it in stupor for a second, before answering it. Phil mentally sighed, out of relief or immense frustration he wasn't sure. Perhaps both. He sat back and swung his legs over the edge of his bed, as Dan hung up.

"My taxi's here," Dan announced, shifting on his feet unsurely. Now wasn't really the time to have a conversation, he cursed internally. Dan had a glimmer of hope that Phil would dramatically claim his infatuation with Dan and they would make out passionately in the middle of their room - even the thought seemed a little too ridiculous in Dan's head. He guessed he would never know. Dan turned to leave, giving up on the cause. 

"Yeah, you should probably go," Phil shrugged, getting up to follow Dan to the door, which only made Dan more resolute to leave the tension at rest. He was wrong to expect anything. 

Phil pulled at his wrist right before they reached the door.

"Have a nice time, Dan," Phil said, sincerely, before pulling him into a light hug, which Dan leaned into without much thought. They hadn't been big on physical contact this half term - Phil had been eclectic and unpredictable for the past month, so Dan didn't think much of it. It was just a friendly hug. As they pulled apart, Phil leaned into say something in Dan's ear. 

"Don't miss me too much," Phil whispered, before landing a soft kiss on his cheek. Before Dan could react, he was already ushered out of the room, the door slamming on him with Phil's obnoxious "BYE!" ringing in his ears. Dan stood outside in the West Wing corridor, frozen and feeling very stupid. 

Phil kissed him.

At least, that's what Dan thought it was, unless he had been imagining it. He couldn't be sure - but he swore he felt Phil's lips pause at the top of his jaw, the spot right under where his hair stopped growing. It felt like a sting - the psychological aftermath of one, anyway. He was almost tempted to burst back into the room and demand clarity, but the cab driver was ringing him again. Dan had to go. Phil was such a tease - Dan almost groaned out loud in utter frustration, if he hadn't have a shred of dignity left. Dan kicked the fire door as he walked further away from Phil, blushing madly. Weeks without even the slightest brush of hands, and now Phil managed to rile him up in a blink of an eye - Dan hated Phil. So much. Louise was never going to hear the end of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear i am genuinely sorry for the suspense!!! i am a lesbian and this is how my version of romance operates !!! with many many frustrating disaster gays!!! also the chapter is getting too long so i had to draw it out to the next but i swear. next chapter. these dumbasses will get together my dudes.
> 
> (i don't know when will next chapter be though. sorry lol)


	34. top of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally got that ferris wheel ride that he missed out on last year - and he came back down with a boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CN mild sexual???? content???? i don't know how to tag this it's really just, making out ;)  
> would appreciate someone telling me how to rate this lol

"... and that's where we're at now! Ugh, I hate Phil so much," Dan groaned loudly at the end of his rant, sprawling over Louise's bed as she hummed and continued to paint his nails black. Louise laughed at his antics, silently soaking in all the dramatics.  She had been uni for a month now and so far, still no luck on the romance front - if she were to be honest, she was rather jealous of Dan. 

"I just, I wish he could stop leading me on," at that, Louise raised an eyebrow, and Dan pouted at her with puppy eyes. They had this conversation before - Dan needed to stop doubting himself and start entertaining the possibility that yes, as ridiculous as it sounded, AmazingPhil himself might actually like Dan back. They were never going to go anywhere if Dan didn't accept that first. He huffed.

"Yes, alright, can he just ask me out already then! Jesus Christ," Dan kicked the wall, before being chastised by Louise. She had her own room, but it was small and her flatmates were a bit pissy about noise - and Dan was one loud boy. (Not that they were having sex like everyone assumed - Louise snorted at the idea.)

"Dan, sweetie, have you ever entertained the outrageous idea that, maybe, just maybe  _you_ should ask him out instead?" Louise was dripping with exasperated sarcasm. 

Dan shook his head reverently at that. He couldn't! Trying to rid himself of self doubt was one thing, but being so confident and potentially have it end in disaster was too much for Dan. As long as there was even a slither of doubt that this might not end well, Dan was never going to let Phil know how he really felt unless he was sure that Phil reciprocated. He couldn't live through the rejection if he did try to make the first move, Dan already didn't believe in himself enough.

"Just think about it," Louise sighed, when she got no answer back. At least Dan wasn't protesting as much this time - he'll eventually come around, hopefully before Phil went on to date someone else, god forbid. "Now, what should we have for dinner?"

Dan came back from the break determined as ever. He decided that since his crush on Phil wasn't going away any time soon, he might as well find the guts to do something about it. When he stepped back into the familiarity of WW1, Phil was settled into the sofa, feet perched up and playing Mario Kart. He grinned up at Dan innocently as if he actually missed his roommate, and immediately held up another controller at Dan, smiling with his tongue poked out. Dan's heart hurt - he didn't want to make everything awkward so soon, everything was so fine and nice as they were. 

Dan dropped into the spot next to Phil without question as the game was restarted, side pressing into Phil and almost leaning into him. Phil didn't protest or budge away, but didn't make any move to pick up where their conversation was left off two weeks ago either. Dan wondered should he verbally reassure Phil that him and Louise indeed, didn't "get back together", just to give Phil a hint - but he decided against it. He had only been back for ten minutes, he shouldn't be hasty. Dan could only hope that Phil's flirting would keep coming and eventually they would naturally slip into a relationship, hopefully without anyone having to say anything. Because just cosying up to Phil already made Dan choke up - he couldn't find the words if he tried. 

Phil ended up beating Dan to it.

The first Saturday of the half term was Bonfire Night, and Dan was determined to enjoy it this time round, having ruined his last one at Chicheston by having a sexuality crisis and breaking down. A lot of have changed since then, Dan mused to himself - he couldn't believe that this marked one year since he realised he was a dumbass who was infatuated with Phil. 

It was colder than last year, thanks to global warming, so they didn't head out until it was an hour or so before the fireworks would start, and not before wrapping up incredibly warm. Phil was wearing his holographic coat and a wooly scarf, looking very cosy. As per usual, Jack and Dean flocked to the food immediately, with Duncan immediately trailing behind in search for a hot drink in the cold. PJ seemed to conspiringly dragged Chris to follow the group too, pointedly winking at Phil, which Dan didn't notice because he was too distracted looking at the game booths on the other side of the park. The booths didn't have Pokemon plushies last year - and this year Dan came prepared and had the cash to have a go at them. Phil tried not to be nervous about the fact that it was now just him and Dan left on their own - he knew that PJ was trying to create an opportunity for the two of them to be alone (and pretend to be going on a date, basically). Tonight was Phil's chance - they already found out that nothing had happened between Dan and Louise - or so had Dan claimed, anyways, so Dan obviously wasn't getting back with his ex-girlfriend anytime soon. 

"Do you want any food?" Phil asked gently, pressing closer to Dan's side to whisper in the midst of a noisy crowd. Dan shook his head distractedly, still eyeing the stuffed toys on display in the distance. Phil chuckled. "What do you say if we go and try to win a Snorlax?"

Dan didn't have to be asked twice, eagerly pulling Phil through the crowd by the elbow, Phil chuckling with him as he tagged along. Soon enough they got themselves a bucket of hoops to throw. Dan wasn't terrible at it, actually, but always just missing the mark slightly, ended up winning a lot of smaller prizes of sweets and chocolates. Dan was still set on the grand prize though, scrunching his nose up adorably as he tried to aim with one eye shut. Another near miss. Dan sighed dramatically, leaning backwards to stretch his neck. Phil was content to just stand by the sidelines and watch, it was Dan's money, after all - but it seemed like Dan needed a bit of help. And from what they've learned from their time at Brighton Pier, it was that Phil was on par with Dan when it came to arcade games - so eventually Phil stepped closer to Dan, right behind him where Dan was bang in the middle to aim at the target. Dan used to be a good inch shorter than Phil, but he had been catching up - Phil had to settle his chin next to Dan's face to see past him now, holding up a hoop to have a go of his own, desperately trying to hide the fact that his primary motive was to get closer to Dan. Phil genuinely tried to focus on winning and not how he was so close that he could see Dan's individual eyelashes in his periphery - Phil threw the hoop with an elegant flick of the wrist.

It was a near miss again. Closer than Dan had ever gotten, but still a miss. Dan and Phil both groan loudly in defeat, Phil's head drooping to rest on Dan's shoulder, pouting as they got handed another consolation lollipop. Dan, immersed in the game and not noticing how Phil was now basically wrapping around him from behind, let Phil stay there as he peered at the bucket in annoyance. They had two hoops left. Dan picked another one up, playing it in his hand as he contemplated his chances to win, feeling very defeated. Phil stood up straighter behind him and, in a split second of bravery (and mostly recklessness), turned to speak in Dan's ear again.

"Here, why don't we try it together," Phil suggested as he held Dan's hand in his own, with the hoop still clasped in Dan's, guiding their arms together to aim for the target whilst Phil trapped Dan in his embrace with his right hand holding onto the counter for balance. Phil hoped that Dan wouldn't call him out on his bullshit - it clearly wouldn't work, Dan was left handed and Phil wasn't. He just wanted an excuse to hold Dan's hand in his and lean in close. Dan's heart was leaping - he wasn't sure was it from the adrenaline of being so close to winning or the fact that Phil was attached to him, from palm to chest to hip.

The hoop bounced around for a bit, as Dan and Phil watched with bated breath, but eventually it got in. Dan all but screamed, whilst Phil cheered happily, his right arm reaching to snake around Dan's middle in a quick squeeze (Phil swore that wasn't intentional - he was just excited). The person manning the booth, disgruntled, grabbed the Snorlax that had been hanging over them like bait to finally pass it to Dan. Dan grabbed the plushie by its leg, raising it over his head in triumph, turning to whoop at Phil before rushing in to hug each other again. They were chuckling to each other silly as other people behind them filtered through to have their go instead. The booth person was almost shooing them alway, annoyed and slightly amused at these two nerdy boys' antics.

"Your boyfriend here is a fiend," the guy said, addressing neither Dan nor Phil in particular, as he swept the hoops off the counter, rolling his eyes without any real malice. "Take him away from my booth, please. I'm running out of sweets."

"Will do, sir!" Phil answered cheerily as he draped an arm around Dan's shoulder, slowly stepping away before Dan could answer or even react. Dan was blushing mad (it was partly the cold too, as well as the fact that the guy just assumed that him and Phil were  _boyfriends_ and Phil didn't even deny it), dumbly letting Phil usher him away and walking around the park, still with an arm around him. Phil didn't even say anything about it, only turning to Dan to cheer about their prized Pokemon again with a sparkly glint in his very reflective blue eyes. Dan liked the festive season for a reason - Phil always looked particularly pretty under glimmering lights in the dark. It seemed that Phil was going to play dumb and continue on as mistaken  _boyfriends_ (god _,_  the thought made Dan shiver), not set on address it - not that Dan was complaining, quite the contrary. It was just the two of them wandering around, none of their peers in sight - Dan was more than happy to keep on playing pretend, until it was too real to ignore. He happily snuggled into the plushie in his arms, leaning into the side of Phil as Phil manoeuvred them around the site.

Eventually, Phil's arm was getting tired and it was too awkward to navigate crowds as a conjoined unit, so he slowly slipped his hand off Dan's shoulder and pulled his arm back into himself. Dan, panicking and already mourning the loss of the touch, didn't think twice before clumsily brushing his fingers against Phil's once they found their way in the space between the two of them. Phil momentarily froze, before Dan came to his senses and attempted to hold Phil's hand in his as smoothly as he could. Phil's cold and lanky hand eventually comfortably fit into Dan's palm, and whilst neither of them say a word about it, Dan swore he saw Phil smiling to himself ahead in the distance, refusing to look at Dan but beaming from cheek to cheek nonetheless. Dan barely managed to swallow his own giddy giggle, trying to hold back a smile as well, as they continued to walk side by side as if nothing significant happened. And it wasn't significant - Dan and Phil held hands all the time, unintentionally and platonically (although Dan was questioning his entire existence right now). But somehow, this felt different. It wasn't like Dan didn't felt all tingly and sparkly inside every time Phil touched him - but ever since they were called  _boyfriends_ , it was like it finally mattered. Dan finally mattered to Phil. Dan smiled harder to himself.

"We should go on the ferris wheel, we never got the chance to last time," Phil suggested, although not without a hint of wariness. This time last year Dan did have a break up after all, Phil wasn't sure exactly what would trigger Dan's bad memories. However Dan didn't seem fazed by that at all, agreeing excitedly and all but leading the way to the queue for the wheel. It was long, but Dan was still bitter about the last time when they didn't get to go on it, so he was adamant. They didn't say much whilst queueing, except shamelessly latching onto each other's side when either didn't outwardly protest at every advance, all whilst holding hands the entire time. Dan was snuggling into the nook of Phil's shoulder, his head resting on where Phil's scarf was bunching up, arm intertwined and ending with their hands still in each other's, when he distractedly gaged the magnitude of the queue.

"Do you think we'll miss the fireworks?" Dan asked, slightly worried, since he didn't watch the fireworks last year either and was torn between missing out on either. Phil shrugged nonchalantly, nuzzling his chin into Dan's curls. 

"I mean, it's not that bad if the fireworks go off when we're on the wheel, we'll still see it," Phil said, eyes fleeting around before settling on Dan. "On the top of the world, with you."

Phil's fingers decided to twist and interlock with Dan's in this particular moment, and Dan gulped - maybe then his heart wouldn't leap out of his chest. Phil was still staring at him intensely with those gorgeous eyes, the ones that Dan had been staring into for years, through a computer screen - Dan was properly drowning this time, and had no intentions to breathe. If Phil saying these things and making him breathless made Dan feel like this, so incredible and exhilarating and like all the stars in the sky was his to touch, Dan doesn't ever want to breathe again. Phil looked soft, not cheeky and confidently flirty like he always did - he looked like he meant it, smile soft and eyes slightly nervous, his cheeks pink atop the fading freckles. Dan always liked Phil best like this - genuine and only for him to witness. 

Eventually they break eye contact, bashfully looking away as they were ushered forward in the queue - although Phil's fingers never stop clutching Dan's. At one point, after Phil's incessant huffing steam clouds into the cold air and Dan silently rubbing his thumb over Phil's knuckles to warm him up, Dan pulled their hands (still conjoined) into his coat pocket, causing Phil to blush adorably, nose burying into his scarf in embarrassment. Dan couldn't help but feel happily smug - he finally got to make Phil a fraction of the flustered that Dan had to endure on a daily basis no thanks to Phil. 

Finally it was their turn. The operator made Dan leave his plushie on the ground, calling it a health and safety hazard, so Dan had to momentarily pull away from Phil to set his Snorlax on the floor, chuckling awkwardly at the operator. Phil pulled him up onto the seat, not letting his hand go again as they slowly ascended upwards in the circle. The higher they went, the more the noise dulled, the fairground below them but a dark field with dots of people and light. It was relatively quiet with off key merry-go-round music surrounding them, the night cold and serene and dark. Their faces were barely lit by the warm yellow glow radiating from the massive bonfire in the middle of the park. Dan felt so peaceful up here, with no one else but Phil next to him and a steady presence in his palm, but the moment also felt overwhelmingly intimate. Phil was glowing in the light beside him - Dan was so tempted to turn and stare until the sight took his breath away. 

"Dan?" Phil asked softly, almost shakily, causing Dan to turn and look at him. Phil's eyes were skittish, his hand squeezing Dan's in his distractedly without much thought. Dan's thumb drew gentle circles into Phil's hand, trying to steady Phil, although Dan was also holding his breath at how serious Phil was being. 

"Can I ask you something?" Phil scooted closer, or at least as close as he could whilst being mid air in a precarious hanging chair (which, thank god, wasn't moving right now), turning his entire torso to better face Dan. Dan gnawed on his lip nervously, but gravitated towards Phil anyway. He couldn't stop himself if he tried - Phil was his sun and Dan was caught in orbit.

"Yeah?" Dan's voice had gone quieter as well. He didn't know why he did that, it was already awfully quiet around them, so much so that Dan could hear his heartbeat drumming in his own ears. But the moment seemed so delicate that if Dan were any louder he would break it. Phil inched even closer then, until the thin mist of their breaths mingled as one in the insignificant space between them. 

"Can I kiss you?" Phil's eyes were steely, intensely grasping at Dan with those blue eyes that sparkle in the dark. Phil hadn't wanted anything more in the world before. Dan took a sharp intake of breath at the question, internally screaming  _YES YES YES YES YES_  - whilst on the outside all he could manage was a dazed gasp, not able to respond except the most minuscule of a hasty nod. Phil took in a deep breath as well, although he was doing it attractively - lips slightly parted, eyes fixed on Dan, the top of his cheeks dusted with pink. They both slowly draw into each other at snail's pace, slightly awkwardly and incredibly tentative, scared to break the magic. It was as if time stopped.

Phil's nose touched Dan's first, Phil's eyes fluttering shut as he swirled the tip of his nose against Dan's button nose, foreheads touching but lips not quite there yet. Phil breathed in and sighed ever so softly. He could finally breathe again. This felt familiar - he knew this off by heart. He missed this. He wanted to draw it out for as long as possible. He didn't want it to ever end. Phil could stay here forever - they were so close. Dan was finally here, impossibly close to him.

Dan's fingers clutched at his uselessly as Dan's other hand hover around them, desperate to touch more of Phil and pull him in. Dan could feel Phil's warm breath on his cupid's bow - it was tickling and sending shivers down his spine. Dan couldn't believe that he was almost content with never having this - the closer Phil was, the more his resolve crumbled. Dan could never keep himself away from this, he wouldn't even dream of it.

Then,  _Dan_  kissed Phil. 

Dan, so desperate, surged forward and clumsily caught Phil's lips in his in a flurry, the hand that wasn't holding Phil's flying up to hold Phil's jaw in place. Phil fits perfectly in his palm, stubble slightly prickly and his sideburns soft at the fingertips. Dan stroked at the baby hair at the edge of Phil's cheek as he kissed Phil in a fervour, eyes fluttering shut as he got lost in Phil. 

Phil, as smooth as he always was, moved his lips expertly around Dan's, before Dan could freeze up against him in panic. Dan gasped involuntarily - Phil was tugging softly at him, teasing and pulling away and leaving Dan hungry for more, before attacking again, sighing into Dan and breathing him in like Dan was Phil's oxygen as much as Phil was Dan's. Dan's insides were melting into a putty, every inch of him that was touching Phil was a spark that burned to his core. 

They pull away too quickly, Phil slowing them down with one last drag on Dan's lower lip, featherlight as he backed away from the kiss. Just like Phil anticipated, the wheel started creaking to life again as they slowly ascend to the top. Dan was disappointed that it ended so soon, but couldn't help but giggle to himself, both at the kiss that finally happened and the unexpected movement from the wheel that startled him. Phil was grinning to himself, looking away in embarrassment and chuckling slightly as well. Dan touched his lips in awe, which still feel burnt from Phil's electric touch. He  _kissed Phil_. Holy fuck.

When they paused at the top, the first firework was let into the night sky, Dan and Phil both staring at it as it shot up and burst into a beautiful explosion of colours. Dan gasped lightly, despite having seen much more impressive fireworks than this village fireworks before. He just couldn't believe that he was up here in the sky, watching fireworks, kissing Phil Lester. It was like a dream. He wanted to do it again - the fireworks was nothing but a background distraction as Dan ran over the kiss in his mind on repeat, the ghost of Phil's lips still lingering. Dan instinctively pulled at Phil's elbow, to get Phil to look at him again - Phil didn't have to be asked twice. Phil smiled, the smile small and a bit of a smirk and confident this time, knowing that he finally had Dan where he wanted him. And that Dan wanted Phil back too. Phil leaned in with the smirk still on his lips. 

Dan closed his eyes expectantly, a smile against his lips as he felt Phil's nose nudging at him again. Unlike Dan, Phil was soft and needy, but not urgent. He moved slowly against Dan, gently pulling him closer and closer and closer until Dan finally melted into Phil, pliant under his hands and his lips, letting Phil inhale him. Dan was all Phil's to take. 

It remained little loving pecks and close lipped teasing, in time with the firework bursts going off around them - like Phil couldn't have enough of Dan, but didn't want to devour him just yet either. It was frustrating in the best way (like Phil always was to Dan) - Dan hated and loved it at the same time, it was torture but Dan never wanted Phil to stop either. Dan wished that Phil would just let the kiss heat up, but before they knew it, the wheel was moving again and they were descending. Dan was breathing heavily as he settled back into his seat, blushing mad and letting his senses slowly coming back to him. Phil was blushing too, but hardly embarrassed - he was more delighted about finally getting what he wanted, after weeks of being driven mad with want. He got to kiss Dan again - all was right in the world.

As they slowly descended, Dan and Phil avoided eye contact awkwardly, despite both grinning ecstatically. In the end, it was Dan who couldn't hold the silence - after all, Phil asked a question, it was only fair that he asked one back too.

"So...  _boyfriends_?" he asked, timidly, as his hand found its way back to Phil's. Dan couldn't stop touching Phil some way or another - now that he knew he was allowed to, it was addicting. He shot a hopeful smile at Phil, who laughed uninhibitedly, tongue poking out and eyes crinkling in the corner - so undeniably happy, as if he couldn't quite believe it. He settled down on a tight lipped smile, cheeks straining so much that it must hurt, eyes darker than usual and looking slightly drunk. (It must be from the kiss, Dan thought to himself with glee - they hadn't had any to drink tonight.)

"Boyfriends," Phil confirmed, before pulling their hands up to land a kiss on Dan's knuckles. They were back on land but Dan felt like he was still floating in the clouds, almost forgetting his Snorlax if it weren't for the operator calling at him. They giggled in embarrassment as they left the wheel, hand in hand as always. 

Conveniently (or not), this was the moment when Dan and Phil reunited with the rest of the pack, their friends dissipating from the crowd after the fireworks have ended. Phil waved at them as they walked over, Dan still in tow, trying to act as casually as possible. Dan couldn't help but feel incredibly awkward and bashful, considering what just happened - but he let Phil pull him by his hand anyways. If their friends noticed a difference, they didn't comment on it, Duncan immediately focusing on the plushie in Dan's arm instead. PJ did scrutinise their interlocking hands for a second, before peering back up at Phil with a knowing look, grinning conspiringly. Phil only a coughed out a chuckle in response, looking away. As they head back to Stanley, it started snowing. Dan turned his chin upwards to look at the sky, marvelled, before turning to look at Phil in awe, somehow attempting to share the moment silently. The corner of Phil's lips twitched upwards at that, making Dan warm all over again. Every time their eyes met, it was like they were sharing a secret. Phil was Dan's boyfriend now - they both couldn't quite believe it. 

When they step back into WW1, it was both familiar and exhilaratingly new. Dan couldn't help but see this room in a new light now - their home, where they spent so much time alone together, where they  _slept in the same bed together_ \- Dan's cheeks were immediately flushed from that thought. Dan was living with his boyfriend now. Phil was comfortably quiet after returning to their room, walking in to switch on the fairy lights and radiators and pulling the curtains shut as usual, not even turning to look at Dan once until he had hung his coat up and rid himself of his scarf. Dan, following Phil's lead, tried acting naturally and tending to his own business too, piling his coat on top of his designated chair of laundry and plugging his phone in to charge on the bedside table. After pulling his shoes off, Dan looked back up to catch Phil already watching him, sitting opposite him on his own bed. They stared at each other for a while, in the dim glow of multicoloured string lights and Phil's cloud shaped nightlight on the side of his bed, before Phil wordlessly stood up and walked the two steps over to Dan. For the infinite number of time of the night, Dan forgot how to breathe yet again.

Before Dan could register it, Phil was practically in his lap, straddling over him on Dan's bed as he pulled Dan's face into his with both hands and started kissing him again, this time with no reservations.  _This was more like it_ , Dan thought to himself, before letting out the quietest of an embarrassing moan at Phil's tongue swiping at his lower lip, teasing Dan to gasp and let Phil in. It was sensory overload and, incredibly hot and addicting, not knowing where Phil ended and Dan started as their mouths merged into each other and Phil slightly writhing on top of Dan, his entire body following the movement of the kiss. Dan desperately grabbed at Phil's waist, pulling Phil down into himself for a deeper kiss. Phil's hands were mussing up Dan's curls as his lips slowly migrate away from Dan's, landing a wet open mouthed kiss at the corner of his mouth, pecks trailing down Dan's jaw and down the underside of his chin. Dan felt like he was on fire with every spark that Phil left in his wake, arching his neck backwards slightly to push himself further into Phil's intoxicating lips, lost in the touch and breathing heavily with his eyes fluttered shut (Dan was still too self conscious to moan out loud - he was readily getting more and more turned on, but not enough to embarrass himself yet.) Dan, relishing in Phil's kisses aside, wanted more of Phil for himself as well, so after a bit of mindless fumbling, eventually slipped his fingers under the hem of Phil's shirt to touch Phil's bare waist, fingers swirling into the smooth skin softly. Dan felt Phil's breath stutter against his neck, and held onto Phil more firmly. Dan distractedly wondered if Phil was getting hard - Dan was surely and steadily getting there himself now - the idea was too arousing to keep dwelling on it. Dan was extremely tempted to gain more access to Phil's skin, to take this further, anything - he was almost inspired to maybe try and lift Phil's shirt over his head or lean backwards into his bed.

Phil was in control again, as he slowed the action to a stop, moving his lips back up to Dan's mouth for softer, tamer kisses whilst reaching down to gently pull Dan's hands out of his shirt and holding them instead. Dan's skin was left with wet patches and slightly shivering in the cold without Phil latching on it - it had been nice but Phil hadn't quite left a hickey there yet. Dan was pouting when Phil eventually climbed out of Dan's lap and slowly stood back up, albeit still unbelievably gracefully. But Dan's head cleared soon enough once Phil was out of reach - he knew that it was right for Phil to stop it before they threw themselves into more without thinking much. Dan knew he definitely would have let it escalate - he had been thirsting over Phil for god knows how long now. But Dan also knew that this was too good for his horny ass to mess it up, so he just had to give it up for the night. They had been boyfriends for approximately an hour and not even talked much about it - tonight's make out session would have to suffice for now. Phil smiled down at Dan ruefully, as unwilling to part with him as Dan was, tenderly brushing Dan's messy hair back in place before landing one last kiss on Dan's forehead. Dan actually thought it was just as gratifying as the hot neck kisses. 

"I think I'm going to get ready for bed now," Phil announced softly, gentle but firm, as he walked away from Dan's bed to get changed into his pyjamas. Dan nodded to no one in particular, still in a daze, before doing the same for himself too. Although tonight he allowed himself to ogle over Phil's bare back as he pulled his shirt over his head and stretch the muscles on his shoulder blades. To think that minutes ago Dan had laid his hands on Phil's waist - Dan still couldn't quite believe it. That he was allowed to have Phil now.

They slipped back into their usual routine - choreographed around each other easily as they used the bathroom in turns, pulling their respective covers over themselves before Phil switched off the lights like he was always responsible for. Dan made himself be sensible and not mourn cuddling with Phil (extremely tempting, now that they had a legitimate reason to), and settled into his own bed, trying to get comfortable. Phil began to go to sleep too, but not before he turned towards Dan, facing him even though Phil was blind as a bat and definitely couldn't see Dan. It didn't stop Dan from smiling at him, lying on his side to face Phil as well.

"Goodnight, Dan."

"Goodnight,  _boyfriend_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i did it yall two chapters a day i just couldn't leave this to rest  
> all whilst my degree is in the gutter lmao  
> hope it was worth it  
> hope the action was good! i am not v experienced in both kisses and writing them lmao  
> comments and constructive criticism appreciated  
> ferris wheel moment is MANDATORY because 1) manchester eye and 2) love, simon   
> ferris wheels belong to the gays i don't make the rules  
> okay goodnight it's fucking ass crack of dawn here  
> hope u enjoyed x


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